Transition

• I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
• There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.

And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness

• I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
• I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
• When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.

Doubtful

I’m in one of those moods.

Feeling forever doubtful about poetry and my work.

I’m gradating soon and I have seen so many of my fellow talented writers leave college and to never write again.

I don’t want that to happen to my poems.

But is this a real thing? Many moments throughout my day consist of the thought, am I really good at this whole poetry writing stuff or is everyone just being really nice to me? Because who would say, “Well Sally maybe you should try something else.” This is all I got, I love it, I live for it, it’s what makes me feel better and I am the most happy writing and performing. But how will I make money? How will I get into a great MFA (Full time or low residency)

I want to be the best, but this just never seems to be in the cards for me, well I suppose I just need to dig really deep.

I’m just been so down on myself this week and my work. Maybe it’s the period, maybe the terrible back pain that makes me sleepy and in exhausted. MaybeI’m just facing some hard facts.

I don’t know what else to do but keep writing and performing.

This Week

This week has been teetering on the cliff of terrible and emotionally draining.

I’ve been back and forth with my poetry this entire week.

It easy to say this week has really tested me as a writer and to keep pushing through and not giving up, even though I’ve wanted to shut the door and just sleep all day.

I think I’ve wanted to cry about ten times this week and questioning my poetry. I have no idea if any of this stuff is even worth the time. (ok I know it must be) Be I’m going through that shitty week where I think my stuff must be shitty. Which is most of the time because I mean how can I be good at poetry? How can this be true, there has got to be a catch.

I’m just feeling shitty. I’ll get over it.

Plus this shitty mood hasn’t slowed down my writing.

Just need to get through this week and get over this terrible feeling.

How do you…

How do you thank someone who has done so much for you?

So much that I don’t think they will ever fully understand how much they have done for me.

I am so thankful for my professor. I don’t know where I would be today if not for stumbling into my spring poetry workshop last year. Gosh I owe him everything.

He has been an extraordinary professor. And I’m very sad this is the last semester I’m going to be working with him as a student. Because this last year and a half has been amazing for me.

To say I struggle in school would be an understatement. I have never been a very good student. As hard as I’ve tried I have struggled a lot and I have far too many memories of messing up in school. Too many tears and too many times I’ve hidden facts about myself to friends. Because I don’t want to appear as stupid.

For once in my life I feel like I’m apart of the education community instead of out-of-place. I feel like I belong and I can hold my own not only in my poetry workshops but in all my classes.

It’s hard to express over the internet how huge of a feeling this is for me.

I cry every time I think about it.

Every time I think about much I use to pray as this 7-year-old kid asking God to make me like everyone like. Make me not stupid.

It’s taken me a long time to figure out why I’ve ended up the way I have.

I don’t use the normal route like everyone else. It’s taken a long time to be happy with the fact that  I learn differently. There are times will I still break down and I still get mad at myself. But I’ve gotten better now.

I’ve found a voice and a place where I belong. I am so grateful.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I was a little kid in first grade reading Cat and Dog. The one book I remember as a child because I remember picking that book because it was the only one I could read. Or on kindergarten visit day I would have my buddy kindergartener read the books because they could read better than me and I didn’t want them to find out.

It’s been a long road and it amazes me how young I was and I still knew something felt off about myself.

And that’s what’s wrong with the education system. The fact that I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t smart enough. Finally I’ve realized how many gifts I have and the many gifts that have developed due to my learning disability.

I am so grateful for the woman I am today.

I am so grateful for all the amazing teachers I’ve been given throughout my education. Without them I would not be the person I am today. That is the moment I believe there must be something out there in the universe taking care of us. Because it’s not by accident that I was given all these wonderful teachers and these wonderful parents to hold my hand and help me through my greatest struggles and tears.

Oh my goodness I am overwhelmed with such strength and love.

This is why I want to be a teacher.

Thank you to my teachers.

Thank you to my parents.

Thank you.

In a pickle (FML)

I’m stuck between a rock and fucking problem. I’m still not exactly sure if I know the whole story, or maybe I’m just lying to myself. No I’m sure I don’t know the whole story. Just the fragments, the pieces of what must be a much bigger and more complicated story/issue.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. Really nice, sweet guy, the conversations are easy and he’s a lot of what I’ve been looking for. And those negative qualities I’ve seen so far I’m willing to put up with. Now a week after meeting him, he told me he was “seeing someone.” Now problem number one “seeing one” can mean a bunch of different stuff for different people. Which really sucks because I’m pretty sure after Wednesday night over hearing the word “girlfriend” flying out his kind of tipsy mouth that there is more going on. Which prompted a very long drunk conversation outside, that I kind of remember and I kind of remember talking about poetry…goddamit Sally! Really? Of course drunk Sally starts talking about poetry and my ex’s and when I was cheated on, of course!

I’m so confused at the moment. Because this guy he not acting like I would assume he would. After large amounts of assholes and my fair share of watching my ex cheat I’m confused. Because I’ve met a huge chunk of his very good friends, we are friends on Facebook and well after Wednesday night he called to say sorry and talk to me. Maybe I’m just acting very stupid and very naive.

But this guy could just take off, get out of here, never talk to me again. Like every other guy has done to me. But he hasn’t and maybe he will eventually. But my gut tells me he’s a sincere guy, who does like me a lot. Maybe more than he should.

But I could never be the other woman. Never.

So I will talk to him soon. I will ask him whats going on and I will him what I kind of remember telling Wednesday night when we both were drunk. I will tell him what I have been too nervous to tell most guys. I want more than the hook-up, more than a back up and deserve more than that. I always have deserve more. And I don’t want to ever hurt another woman’s heart so I can have happiness.

I’m very sad and very heart-broken over this, because I know exactly how this is going to play out. He will say sorry, he will feel like shit and he go back to the life he was living. Because there is nothing romantic about leaving someone else for another.

It’s funny because I wonder if this so suppose to happen, I mean something like this situation was bound to happen. People being a part of monogamous relationships at my age seems less and less.

Last month I was thinking a lot about what happened with me. Last night I also told Valerie I don’t think I’m mad at the other woman anymore. To be honest I think I would have gotten over it/her a lot faster if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew her very well and that Thrilla took my car and well how I found out about it.

It was weird to be in these shoes. Different and I told Valerie I’m sad that Thrilla handle things the way they did. Because you know I do think they really loved each other and really were happy together. I wish he would have just broken things off right when things started to become than friends. I’m a bit sad for them in that sense. If only they would have handled it better.

I think they would be together… maybe be happy. And I would be much happier too and without some baggage. I suppose these are the lessons I needed to learn though and has fueled a lot of my soul. Without being cheated on i don’t think I would have ever moved on from Thrilla and I don’t know if I would have ever found poetry.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it.

It’s been rough, Zombie rough

I sang in a show on Saturday! Badass zombie make-up

My poetry has been rather frustrating lately. Not the poetry’s fault, but I do blame all my class work and certain events that have taken place that have really put a damper on my work. Which sucks because I have a huge contest deadline on Thursday and I’m not too happy with the product I have right now. I haven’t had a lot of people willing to go through my stuff and I haven’t had the time to write and it’s very much effecting my moods. Lets hope this mood goes away soon.

I had to deal with some assholes last week. The mens club that goes on without the poetry community is one of the worst ones out there. No my name is not baby and you’re a pig for not only performing drunk, for thinking your shit is gold but especially for rubbing up against women. (More on this later maybe.

(SCHOOL IS A BITCH AND A HALF)

I must confess I have been struggling with posting this last week and I have so much to say now I feel like this post may be rather too long but FUCK IT!

The one that wants to be the fuck-buddy emailed me a second time and sent me a friend request. GO AWAY! He has been nothing but drama in my life and I don’t need any more of that in my life.

Virgin Cornfield guy called me out of the blue tonight. Which was funny because I was crying. He told me I could come over lay down and just fall asleep, you know get away. Which I was rather tempted to, because comfort right now is something I’m dying for, but i know this is something I need to get through without needing someone. Plus he’s not the guy I want comforting me.

THAT guy (the one I really like right now) seems to have stop speaking to me. I know I could be over doing it, so what if he hasn’t text me in three days. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the fact that he’s bailed so many times before this just worries me even more. He just has promised so much these last few days and out of no where just kind of stopped speaking to me. I’m so sensitive to stuff right now and this is just going to drive me rather crazy, especially since we kissed the last week. For all I know he’s changed his mind. (Not sure what to do)

The hardest thing to deal with at the moment…my kitty cat back at home in California is not doing so hot. She’s 20 years old and she’s been my bestest little friend for these last 20 years now. My mom keeps sending me these cute little texts and stuff, like they took her into the vet today and my mom texts me she’s a tough old cat and a fighter. I don’t think she’s going to be around much longer, but if I am to be honest I rather not be home when she decides its time to go. I know I must sound rather silly, because some people don’t care for cats every much or think well it’s only an animal.

But I don’t think it’s silly. She’s my best friend, she was there when my doggy was hit by a car, she was there during the moments I felt so stupid and struggled each time in school. She was there after each break ups. She was always there and she’s always been there for me. It’s hard to think I won’t have that little cat in my corner for much longer. She’s the last of my childhood pets and my God I’m going to miss her to pieces when she’s gone and I think that may be happening pretty soon. (I’m Praying for you Kitty cat) I wish I could give her one last hug, but she knows I love her.

Adele: Make you feel my love

God, I need a pick me up after these last few weeks.
I’m burnt out and about to give up.

And I hope my writing picks up too

Exhausted and getting my ass kicked (And not in the way I would want)

^That title is my failed sexual pun.

Man, I failed at life today! The bad jokes, cutting my foot shaving (I have hobbit feet, they gots to be shaved!) to dropping my apple mid bit as I was walking to class and yelling out loud, “ahhh man!” girl walking by me laughing. Then bringing the wrong book to class. Then hitting my toe on the stairs and a series of more terrible jokes.

(I wasn’t upset about any of these things, it was actually all pretty funny)

I’m so exhausted tonight!

From the three papers, getting my chapbook into my professor for my independent study, working and working on submissions and of course finally memorizing and more memorizing for this Thursday poetry performance, where I’ll be featured!

I’m so exhausted and now I’m planning on a 45 minute performance on my own schools campus, in their art series, which may happen within a weeks time. Of course I have more papers due within these two weeks and submission deadlines are about to come up. And I’m editing now for my schools journal.

I haven’t been this exhausted since, well coaching a year ago. Normally I don’t need a lot of sleep or rest but damn….my ass is getting kicked and I’m feeling it tonight.

But awesome news for next year! In Feb. I’ll be touring from Feb. 17th-20th through Kansas, two schools in Nebraska and then Iowa. That’s going to be one hell of a sick week! I cannot wait!

Damn I’m craving a milk shake and a burger right now! That’s it! I’m getting myself a burger and fries and an awesome milk shake on Friday! OMG! I can’t wait!

I want this burger so bad that I would give up hot hot sex, with a naked bearded man holding a very yummy dark beer. I know the whole bearded man thing may not sound like a big deal but believe me my friends know how badly beards make me hot! So to give that up for a burger….THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!

Wow…this post went from one conversation about poetry and writing to food.

As it should.

My guilty pleasures of the week:

My guilty pleasures of the week:

• Pizza
• Wine
• Watching The Bachelor and eating popcorn at the same time.
• Listening to Pitbull as I write. This has become my number one new favorite thing that I need in my life. Pitbull+writing poetry=life.
• Listening to Missy Elliot (not really guilty but my poems get sexual and my friends said they need a break)

Yesterday my friends Valerie, Cassidy and my roommates were making fun of me due to the fact that I go through phases where I create sayings for myself. Last fall my big saying was, “I need this in my life.”

Now I apparently have been saying, “It’s been a week” and “I’m having a day.”

The Universe is watching after me

I have this belief about the Universe, where when you’re having a bad week the universe finds a way to pick you back up. The Universe knew I needed a win this week and oh boy did the universe open my eyes to my future. So I will write here, who ever is in control of the Universe, who ever is watching after me, thank you.

Last night I went to an Open Mic night on Campus and it was wonderful. My best friends all came out to see me, some who I always torture with by sending them files on top of files of my work and some who have never heard my work until last night. I knew they would love it and support me but the audience, woah. Such wonderful feed back, such wonderful comments, such wonderful energy. Not only that but a local Poet approached me right after to get my number and has been pouring out invites for me to attend spoken word performances and wants me to work on a project over the summer.

Then this afternoon I got a call from my professor informing me I won The Academy of American Poets contest that my university puts on.

I know to some these things may be consider small achievements and for me I look at both of these as my stepping stone into a career I wasn’t even thinking about a year ago. I wasn’t even writing like how I am now a year ago. So today I’m sitting here crying, not because I won something but because I remember the nights I sat alone in my bedroom at the age of six praying to God to make me smart, to take away my learning disability. Now here I am, an English creative writing major sitting down writing in a language I could barley spell or read in first grade. So I will sit here and cry about how happy that the years of bedroom tears are finally being wiped away.

I am so thankful.

I would trade a hundred times falling in love with a man for the feelings I have when reading and writing my poetry. These are the moments I’m reminded I don’t need love from a man, I feel love in my writing and in the books I read.

Gosh, I’m just so blissful about all thats happening for me, I can feel it. This is only the beginning and I cannot wait for the rest of my life. I feel the momentum building inside of and nothing is going to stop me.

This is how I want to feel for the rest of my life.

Blissfully happy, crying over my hard work and falling in love with the Universe.

Photo: My laptop and drinking coffee at my favorite little coffee shop.

Sorry I’ve been ignoring you blog, I’ve been ummm “busy”

Ok, I’ve been sex for the past three weeks now. Wonderful, hot, sexy, sex that you only see in the movies kind of sex. Mind you I basically have sex two times a day. So yeah, I’ve been busy. Oops, sorry blog.

But i’m not ready to start blogging about him, about the funny stories, or about the sex. I can’t really give you the right answer to why I don’t want to, but I’m to ready to. But I thought the least I could do is explain why I haven’t been blogging for the past month. Don’t worry, I’m alive, i’m healthy and I’m still happy, I’m still glowing, I’m still full of life. I’m me.

On another note, my classes. I’m in love with my English classes! I feel like I’m really mastering my craft, really learning how to improve my writing and all of this is helping me shine as a person. I miss soccer and running all the time, that’s never going away but I’m so thankful I’ve found another outlet, another place to perform, to master skills and try and be the best in what I love. Sometimes I do think, maybe I wasn’t meant to play sports for ever, maybe writing, maybe speech was all a lone going to be the place I was going to end up. I believe this now. I’ve fallen head over heels with writing. I love language. I love words. Which is some funny irony, because I have my language disability. But it’s true, I love words, I love having others read my work and feeling, seeing what I feel and see really day, every minute, every moment.

Stuff I’m missing:

• I miss hiking
• I miss the ocean
• I miss my mustang
• I miss my friends in Cali.
• I miss the smell of evening and morning grass on a soccer field
• I miss California
• I miss the smell of the ocean
• I miss my dirt bike

I may miss all these things, but I have so much here with me right now. I’m just excited to go home this summer and have new experiences at home. I cannot wait! For now though, where I’m at, is pretty great as well.