Tag Archives: cheating

The dick

This weekend was a reminder of past pain that I though I was almost over with. But triggers have a way of going off and within seconds your laying on a crying in tears struggling to breathe about all the pain you’ve endeared. I always think about the quote by Joan Didion.

“I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with everything we lose.” 

Last night all the way till noon today I spoke to a guy I was starting to really like. Lets call him “the dick.” Not because his penis was large or anything, he just ended up being a dick.

I found out he not only has a girlfriend but I’m pretty sure they have been together for years now. He came over, we talked for a long time about everything throughout our lives. I guess we didn’t want to focus on the real issue at hand.

Which we eventually ended up on, which of course ends exactly how anyone would expect it to. He loves his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to give up on that. Yes, he does really like me. But let’s be honest whenever does someone really leave their relationship for a “like.” Ok, maybe my ex did that. But most guys aren’t going to leave their girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is also his fiancé.

It was terrible this morning. Absolutely an awful morning. I will never see him again. I mean of course I’ll probably run into him downtown here and there. Which will be awful and of course Valerie will murder him each time she runs into him.

I cried, slept for three hours, eat some food. And I’m feeling much better. It amazing how easily I can move on more and more now. Will I break down a few more times? Yeah, I probably will. Will this fill up another piece of baggage for me. Of course.

But later today everything seemed to changed. The universe of something is looking out for me because everything shifted to a much better day. A bunch of people I haven’t spoken to in a while spoke to me. A few will be in town next week and I cannot wait to be back home for a little bit and enjoy friends and family. I’m so so thankful that something is watching out for in the world. I have never felt more safe and so full of comfort.

Thank you

It gives me hope.

 
Now “the dick” is just distant memory of how terrible men can be and the test that I made sure that I never do what was done to me. I could have continued on with fooling around with him, but that’s not ok. I told him he should tell her too. To be honest I don’t think he will. I don’t think that’s ok. He will be another lesson, another pain and another reminder that I do deserve better and i will find someone who is going to be so lucky to have something like me in their life and I’m going to be so lucky to have a man someday in my life who is going to give me all the love and care I deserve. 
 

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Hope, Life, single girl problems, thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

In a pickle (FML)

I’m stuck between a rock and fucking problem. I’m still not exactly sure if I know the whole story, or maybe I’m just lying to myself. No I’m sure I don’t know the whole story. Just the fragments, the pieces of what must be a much bigger and more complicated story/issue.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. Really nice, sweet guy, the conversations are easy and he’s a lot of what I’ve been looking for. And those negative qualities I’ve seen so far I’m willing to put up with. Now a week after meeting him, he told me he was “seeing someone.” Now problem number one “seeing one” can mean a bunch of different stuff for different people. Which really sucks because I’m pretty sure after Wednesday night over hearing the word “girlfriend” flying out his kind of tipsy mouth that there is more going on. Which prompted a very long drunk conversation outside, that I kind of remember and I kind of remember talking about poetry…goddamit Sally! Really? Of course drunk Sally starts talking about poetry and my ex’s and when I was cheated on, of course!

I’m so confused at the moment. Because this guy he not acting like I would assume he would. After large amounts of assholes and my fair share of watching my ex cheat I’m confused. Because I’ve met a huge chunk of his very good friends, we are friends on Facebook and well after Wednesday night he called to say sorry and talk to me. Maybe I’m just acting very stupid and very naive.

But this guy could just take off, get out of here, never talk to me again. Like every other guy has done to me. But he hasn’t and maybe he will eventually. But my gut tells me he’s a sincere guy, who does like me a lot. Maybe more than he should.

But I could never be the other woman. Never.

So I will talk to him soon. I will ask him whats going on and I will him what I kind of remember telling Wednesday night when we both were drunk. I will tell him what I have been too nervous to tell most guys. I want more than the hook-up, more than a back up and deserve more than that. I always have deserve more. And I don’t want to ever hurt another woman’s heart so I can have happiness.

I’m very sad and very heart-broken over this, because I know exactly how this is going to play out. He will say sorry, he will feel like shit and he go back to the life he was living. Because there is nothing romantic about leaving someone else for another.

It’s funny because I wonder if this so suppose to happen, I mean something like this situation was bound to happen. People being a part of monogamous relationships at my age seems less and less.

Last month I was thinking a lot about what happened with me. Last night I also told Valerie I don’t think I’m mad at the other woman anymore. To be honest I think I would have gotten over it/her a lot faster if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew her very well and that Thrilla took my car and well how I found out about it.

It was weird to be in these shoes. Different and I told Valerie I’m sad that Thrilla handle things the way they did. Because you know I do think they really loved each other and really were happy together. I wish he would have just broken things off right when things started to become than friends. I’m a bit sad for them in that sense. If only they would have handled it better.

I think they would be together… maybe be happy. And I would be much happier too and without some baggage. I suppose these are the lessons I needed to learn though and has fueled a lot of my soul. Without being cheated on i don’t think I would have ever moved on from Thrilla and I don’t know if I would have ever found poetry.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it.

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Filed under Being a woman, Causal, Confessions, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, FML, Life, my writing, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

Facebook Conversations with “The Other Woman”

My roommate Valerie leans over to me and says, “Do you mind if I start talking to her again?” “Her” is the other woman who was involved with my Ex for five months. Valerie and her were best friends all throughout college, they have had a touch and go relationship since the cheating and sense Valerie found out more. I told her I don’t mind, but I did tell her the changes of me ever being ok with seeing her or chatting are gone. There was at one point I was trying but with the way things have ended with me and Thrilla and the fact that they still have been lying about a few key points, even a year after! I’m just done.

But as I was laying in bed, I remembered the Facebook messages I sent her and I thought to myself, “I wonder if I kept them or not.” Sure enough down deep into my message they were still there. So since I can’t sleep I decided it was time to post the small exchange I had with “the other woman.” It’s now 5am, lets do this.

Conversations started August 17, 2012

8/17/12 7:07pm

Hey,

This is Sally and I believe we have meet a few times. I’m good friends with Valerie. So look, it’s come to my understanding that you and Thrilla may have been getting very close over the course of the summer. Especially ever sense Valerie party.

And look it’s fine, date, do what you two want to do. I’m not sending you this email to cuss you out or tell you not to date him, I’m sending this because you know, maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s not you, and maybe Thrilla has told you a different story about our four year relationship. Maybe you didn’t even know Thrilla and I were dating till as of now.

But I’m emailing you, because I just want the honest truth. Especially sense you know me, you have seen me around, you hosted the poetry event, you said hi to me and hugged me.

And from the notes, roommates and other various red flags its led me to believe you and Thrilla are more then friends. I just want to move on. I want the honest truth and to know if anything did happen. Because honestly I do believe he had been seeing you over the summer in some form of dating and I do consider that cheating and I am very hurt and very shocked that anyone would be ok with knowing someone else was getting badly hurt within the process of all this.

As a women, it hurts to think that you did know about me and you were ok with it all. Because it is situations like this that many women fight against. I feel as though you would be someones very against this very situation. Please I only want the honest truth so I can let go and move on.

If you are truly uninvolved and unaware of all this, then I’m truly sorry for sending this email out to you. I hope you can see and understand why I’m sending you this.

I want closer because honest and I have gotten none and I have been left very hurt and shocked by my break up with Thrilla, who is not only been my boyfriend but my best friend at one time.  I have been very hurt in this relationship and I have just become numb to this whole issue.

Thank you,

Sally

_______________________________________________________

I’m not sure what events lead up to the second email because I found out a few interesting things through Tina and through Valerie. Before Thrilla fully admitted everything I spoke to her through this second and last email I ever sent her.

8/18/13 18th 2012 3:11pm

Ok, also I should let you know I do know some stuff/found things. And I figure if I’m asking you to be honest with me then I will be honest with you.

I found a lace white silk undershirt in Thrilla room, and a note that said, “keepsake to remember what I wore that night.”

I found journal notes by him that didn’t say a name but was to someone. It said you left today and I Miss you and love you and some other stuff about wanting to do things to the person and not having them around. This date this women left was not the day I left for California.

I found a note that had text messages on it that was very sexual and lots of very sexual poems about doing things to a women. They were very sexual.

Also I know you and Thrilla were flirting at party Valerie’s when I came over to the kitchen it was very awkward when we walked in.

I also know Valerie doesn’t know a thing , which leads me to believe both of you knew this was wrong and what you both were doing was not ok on any level no matter the reason or logical thinking or heart-felt feelings you two may have for each other.

Also his roommates told me that a few times Thrilla took MY car and drove off somewhere they didn’t know where, and one time he left and didn’t get back till the next day. I would really hate to think that Thrilla, who at the time didn’t have a driver’s license drove to meet up with you and drove you around.

I know you came over to Thrillas house this summer and met his roommates, who by the way are my best friends and they told me you guys went up into his room.

I also found a list, with your name on it and my and many other girls he’s dated/wanted to or maybe is flirting with idk….and we had numbers to go with our names and he wrote down negatives and positives for each of us. And your name was definitely on the list.

I know Thrilla sent you some literature I do not appreciate that because that is from my job thats my high schools literature, not yours or his or mine for that matter. That is very unethical of both of you.

I have seen more than my share of emails between you and Thrilla and they made me really uncomfortable and I’m not stupid I can tell when I guy and girl are flirting with each other and developing a bond together.

I can’t write out off the top of my head all the emails and Facebook messages but I’ve seen a lot….more then Thrilla even knows. I also checked his history on his computer and saw he had spoken to you numerous times, but deleted the messages. I also had asked him not to speak to you  during him and I dating because I felt comfortable and I know he still was messaging you.

I know this is a lot but I felt like I should tell you what I know, but I guess he seems to really love you and I guess you to are a lot closer than I had thought. To be honest it hurts to see these journal entries about how much love he has and what not.

Also from the past messages I’ve seen you and Jenkins both seem to enjoy poetry, so I thought you would like this poem and Thrilla would too.

_______________________________________________________

8/18/13 (The other woman)

Hi Sally,

I understand your reaching out to me and that you want the truth about what’s been going on. But after that second message, it seems like you really already know what’s been going on.

I don’t know what you want me to say from that list of things you sent me. We have been talking online, texting, through Facebook, etc. I don’t know anything about the journal entries/lists. I did not know that car was yours or that he did not have a driver’s license until later, but he did drive up to see me one time. The lace cami is mine. As for the lit you mention, I don’t know about that either.

That night at the party is where this all started. That night, I did not know you were still with Jenkins, but I knew about your relationship after that. We started talking that night and have been throughout the summer.

When you said you’re hurt that I did know about you, had met you, and was ok with it anyway, you’re right. I don’t think I would have done it or allowed it to continue as long as it had had I not been dealing with my own issues at the time, which was my break up with my own boyfriend of 3 years. At the time, I did not care much about anything or anyone. I’m not saying it’s an excuse for what I’ve done, only maybe help you understand a little why I did it, at least at the beginning. By the time I had a grip on myself and realized what I was really doing, we had been already been talking for a few weeks.

We would talk online, text, and sometimes go on walks. We also went to salsa dancing and to a poetry slam, maybe you’ve heard about that. When I graduated and left Bradley we continued talking, much of which you’ve seen I guess.

When I came down and visited Peoria, I did meet his roommates and go up in his room. I also stayed for a night at his house. Up till then we had just been talking, but that night we did kiss and fool around a little. Nothing went on below the waist, but neither of us felt good about it, so we stopped and haven’t done anything since then.

Our actions were not intended to hurt anyone, but they did and I’m very sorry about that. I don’t think either of us expected it to turn out like this, for this to go on for as a long/far as it has.

I’m sure it sounds hollow coming from me, but I am truly sorry for all of this and the hurt it has caused you. I hope this gives you the closure you were looking for and I appreciate your honesty with me. Thanks for the poem, I will keep it in mind.

_______________________________________________________

I will later find out that yes they did have sex and then year later I found out she went to California with him that summer, the point in the summer where I had just flown back to Peoria. He introduced her to his family, she stayed as their guest, she baked cookies, she became family.

 And the fact that she brings up her struggle with her break-up. I am sorry but I don’t feel bad at all and would have preferred her not to mention it, because when you state something and it’s follows, “I’m not saying it’s an excuse for what I’ve done” No that’s your excuse, you’re trying to sugar coat, but adding sprinkles to a piece of crap is just a piece of crap with some nasty sprinkles on it now.

 It was only a week after all this that she showed up in town to stay the night with him. It took me a year to realize neither of you were innocent and knew exactly what you were doing. You were both excited with the fact of seeing each other as I was still there. For all I know the moments I was on the phone with him, you were sitting beside him. I should have never blamed myself but I have been fighting myself for a year now and that is done and over with. I had nothing to do with any hers or his weakness, their lack of empathy for another human being.

I hope posting this will allow some form of healing for me and to be honest I think it will in some way heal me a bit more.

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Filed under Being a woman, Ex-boyfriends, thoughts, universe, Words

One Year

Thank goodness I don’t remember the extact date I found out my boyfriend of almost four years was cheating on me, but I do remember it was between the 14th-20th.

It’s been a year, I got through a year and probably one of the hardest and most beautiful years of my life thus far.

I feel like I’m an alcoholic or a drug addict celebrating my one year of sobriety. I guess they would maybe call it, “celibate.”

Of course I was naked for must of last fall and this spring with various men, so I was very far from being celibate….so far and so naked from being celibate.

This has been a tough year, lots of tears, for not only my ex who cheated on me but for other boys I thought were men, thought they could love me, thought they could fit into my life. And it just took me some time to realize that I was just too farer along in life then they were and they were too scared, too nervous to love someone like me.

I’ve had to learn to really love myself, love myself deep down into my own poetry and realize the moments I feel lonely, are the moments I am closests to my poetry.

I feel as though I am just randomly moving through my thoughts in this post but I don’t feel as though I have a chronically order for my feelings with this past week. Maybe beside feeling like I’m part of alcoholics anonymous I also feel like I lost my arm last year and its the one year anvery of the accident and I barley even notice my arm is even misisng anymore.

All I am left with is wondering if I have ever really been in love with someone. I’m starting to wonder if I ever was and now thats all I’m craving. I’m so hungry for love, for someone to lay down with and just kiss and smile with till the sunrise.

Dang….do I miss having a man wrap his arms around me.

Have I even had a man wrap his arms around me?

 

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Filed under Dating, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Life, Love, sex, Struggles, thoughts

Forgiveness

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines forgiveness as:

transitive verb
1
a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for –forgivean insult-

 b : to grant relief from payment of –forgive a debt-
 2
: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardonforgive one’s enemies-
A Little over a year ago I had one of the worst experiences of my young adult life.
Standing in the middle of my boyfriend of the time bedroom, holding a beautiful silky pearl under shirt my whole world came crashing down around. Every red flags, every fight, every fear hit me like a bullet to the heart. I couldn’t breath, couldn’t stand, couldn’t believe that someone I had been dating for four years of my life could cheat on me. But these are the facts, these are the moments that will forever be a scar on my heart and these moments have become haunting,the worst of my nightmares since the beginning of last August. From finding letters, emails, finding out my car was taken to visit this other women, who was not only someone I had met before but a friend of my best friend.

Then two weeks ago I found out not only were they seeing each other over the summer I was home working my job but when i was heading back, both of them came to California, she met his family, friends and where he grew up, all the while with the understanding we were still together.

Last year has been nothing but a struggle for me. A struggle to date, to trust again, to love again and a struggle to forgive those who have broken my heart. Yes I did forgive Thrilla. We became close friends and I really had to convince my friends again that this person may have not been the best boyfriend at the end of our relationship but he was going to be a good friend, he was going to make it up to me. So there was forgiveness.

This has all come crashing down around me yet again as I bring up deep dark issues that haven’t been spoken about since last year. Not only has my ex not learned to accept what he did was not ok, was not right. He blames me for the loss of his job.

I have become the one to blame, the one that changed his life forever.

I want to make a few points clear:

My life has forever been changed. Not only has trusting men become near impossible but scares me half to death. Not only have been jumping in and out of bed with men that I have no feelings for, I have made one night stands my drug, my band-aid, my way to fill the huge gap in my heart, in hopes for brief moments I will forget the emails I read, forget the “I love you” they wrote back and forth to each other, and I hope having another man on top of me will help me forget that she sat inside my car as they kissed, held hands and fell in love.

I not only lost my boyfriend of four years, but my best friend and my co-worker.

So yes Thrilla, your life has forever been changed, you have lost so much. But YOU made that decision, I did not decide to kiss her, fuck her, to love her. That was you, those were your moments. Your life has changed because of you, her life has changed because of you and because of her own decisions. And my life has changed because of both of you.

A year ago I decided to forgive, to do something I have never heard anyone else do. I became friends with my cheating ex. I welcomed her into my house and I listened to how much you loved her with no resentment. This is the kind of person I am. I forgive; perhaps too much but this is who I am.

Today though, today has shown me that maybe forgiveness was a mistake, was a silly idea on my behalf. Not only did Thrilla discount what happened a year ago, he saw nothing wrong with his actions and then continue to point out he can’t keep saying sorry for something he did a year ago.

Look a year is nothing, a year is a blink of the eyes. 

It seems as if I have become a victim needing to get over my problems, my sadness and a woman who still clings on to events.

This is not the case, this is anything but the case. I have moved on, I am very happy and I have a much better life then I did during this relationship, but that does not mean scars still do not bleed or hurt once and awhile.

So no Thrilla, this does not give you the right to yell at me (especially when i was not yelling at you) does not give you the right to cuss me out, to kick me out of your house, to flip me off and then continue to text me afterwards. You have no right to ever raise your voice to, not only because I am a women but because I am a human being. I deserve respect, class and a man (friend or more than friend) who will never raise their voice at me.

I promised myself a year ago that you would hurt me again, this promise was broken today. You confirmed everything I ever feared. That you still get it, you don’t see the magnitude of what you have done.

Still I will forgive you, I will let go of the pain bit by bit each morning and I will move on from of this. Someday I will be in love with someone who will forever hold my heart in the right place and someone will love me for each wrinkle of my smile and each tear I shed for those who have done wrong to me.

I am not just a strong woman, but a good PERSON. I am compassionate, I am caring and I give all of myself to love.

I will move on, I will heal, I will forgive still.

I do not know if I can still say the same for you. I do not know if you can move on. Forgive me, for something I should never say sorry for.

I did nothing….I was the victim of a failing relationship that should have ended much sooner. I was a victim of a man who did not have the courage to treat me like an equal person and break it off with me.

Tonight I will forgive myself first, I will wash my salty face and I will sleep with good dreams in mind.

I know the rest will follow.

“True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.”
― Oprah Winfrey

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I’m a Wildflower

I’ve been seeing “falling into his arms” for about a month now.

I like him. More then just sex (But I guess my past blog made that very clear)

My biggest fear at the moment? That this is all going to end at some point. Like the guy “the best sex ever” where everything was going so well, I was just all smiles and then he changed his mind, wasn’t feeling it, wanted to explore the world more, see different girls more. I wasn’t the one at all, a good friends by the end of it, but not the one.

Then of course there was Vanilla thrilla; the one I thought would never cheat on me and then he did. It’s this relationship that has changed me; yes for the good, but sometimes good things also come with “the extra” the fear of abandonment, the new trust issues, the new worry of the guy I’m sleeping with is talking to other women more beautiful then me. I know this fear I’m having in the moment is something I shouldn’t be feeling or worried especially  when he has no time to be sleeping with anyone else but me, but still because of Thrilla and because of the other men in my past and of last fall, the men who normally flirt with me are not the best men, haven’t treated me well, not the in the way I should be treated. These past men have caused me to become cautious but Tina is right, I shouldn’t worry. Yet I do.

Because I do like him, I do care about him and seeing him does brighten up my already lovely day and on bad days. He is the positive man in my life. Don’t get me wrong I have positive men in my life, my father is one of them and I do have some fantastic guy friends but men I’ve dated, well that list is well, looking back at the guys I’ve dated in my past none of them treated me the way I should be treated , because at one point each of them have criticized me being too skinny, too heavy, needing to work out, less make up, more make up, dress up too much, dress down too much, was too sexual, not into sex enough, some cheated on me, some promised me they wanted me around, changed their minds and left without really letting me know. Each of these guys were more focused on what they wanted then loving me, caring about me just being myself.

I don’t feel this way anymore and to be honest that has a lot to do with me. I won’t let anyone make me feel that, I’m too strong now, now who I am now. I am and have always been a wildflower.

A flower of an uncultivated variety or a flower growing freely without human intervention.

I am fearful at moments he will walk away, he will leave me here alone. But thats a risk i’m very ok with making because he makes me smile and if he walks away then thats ok, because I’m strong enough now, I’ve always been strong enough. And the loss is his if he walks away. Plus I must remember he is must certainly not like any of the guys I have dated in the past, he is unconditionally kind.

 I’m not going anywhere, I’m enjoying the ride. I may have these “fears” but I must just continue to remind myself that fear is what makes me feel alive and is the reason I write. Like I just said, I’m a wildflower blowing in the wind of chance.

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