So my wonderful friend Candice sent me this funny as shit Youtube video.
There are no words
I was really trying to think of my own comments to this video but there are no words for this video. just watch it and you’ll understand.
Thank you Candice for showing me funny ass video
I’m sure I’ll never look at a grapefruit the same again.
I’ve been having sex since I was a junior in high school (my first time) I think I was 17 years old and I may have been one of the last of my friends to get my period in middle school but I was the first of the group to lose my virginity. Not surprised at all. I was always the more sexual one of the group. The crazy, freaky, fast paced friend who never really slowed down.
It’s been five months since I’ve had sex. This is the longest I have gone without sex since my first time. Between 17 and 24 I was either in a long-term relationship or having a good old-time with groups of different guys. Of course there were moment of dry spells. Little ones though, like four months.
This dry spell has no end in sight. I’m not worried or upset. It’s more of my ongoing joke and something I enjoy talking about.
But don’t you hate it when you tell people you’re going through a dry spell and they try to out do you and tell you they spent even longer not having sex. Like you say, “Oh, its been six months now.” And then someones shots, “oh I went two years.”
What do you want? A slow hand clap? A gold star? Sex from me?
Don’t you also hate those people with statements: Oh, I don’t need sex.I’m asexual. Ha! I think it’s almost insulting to those of us that can admit sexual desires play an integral role in our daily lives. It’s like when you were a little kid playing sports and you cry after getting hit by a basketball and your friend would laugh and shout, “ha I never cry, because I’m tough.”
And you’re like, “um that’s not healthy.” Actually emotionally damaging.”
Also they always seem like they are looking down upon you and you need to get your act together. Ugh I dislike this. Especially from those who don’t even masturbate. These are healthy needs, like wanting pie or smoothies.
Masturbating: Don’t you hate it when you masturbate to a certain song a few times so after that its hard to listen to it in public. I masturbated to Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse” one too many times. Now I live in fear that if it comes on the radio…I may come too…
Yesterday my three roommates and I drove 45 minutes to a different town to get our hands on:
For anyone that lives out in the “middle of no where midwest” you understand the need to venture out and find other kinds of food. Especially when my roommates and I are all from California, where everything you ever wanted is everywhere.
Food tends to be the center of my universe. I’m going to be making a poetry performance trip in April and the first thing I told my roommate was, “I’m going to look up what kind of food they have there.”
Also we are planning a road trip for May and June and the majority of planned out events involve food.
This is my life.
Also for many of my readers of this outrageous blog, I haven’t had sex as of recent. Actually I haven’t sense November. So I so how went on a celibate binge without my knowledge.
Or as my dear friend told me, “Your celibacy is bumming all of out.” And apparently my poetry is missing the nasty like it once had. But I’m sure I still sneak that shit in there a lot.
But last night really confirmed my need to get laid.
Valerie and I stayed up until 2am watching The Voice in our blanket fort we made for the living room, that’s now been up for a week and some days. One Usher makes our loins burn, that was until Usher reminded Valerie of this guy she dated for a while. Still Usher is yummy yum.
Then this guy comes on The Voice and sings and I’m sure Valerie and I both had mini orgasm’s
The conversation as he sang-
Valerie: imagine having sex with him
Me: imagine him taking off your clothes and singing
Valerie: ahhh don’t say that! I’m going crazy!!
Yeah…we need to get laid and badly…very badly.
Today (I mean Saturday March 8th) was amazing. Now of course I’m writing this at 3am which is due to the fact that I just watch half of the documentary, My Amityville Horror and after the creepiest fucking picture of a ghost boy we shut off the film and freaked out for 10 minutes and then put on The Office to calm ourselves down. Real ghosts or not and no matter what you believe it was creep as fuck.
But this March 8th was an amazing little day. I got to spend all day at my favorite little coffee shop working on my poetry. Hung out with friends, went to two little house parties, had a nice beer, lots of food all day. I’ve been pushing myself to eat better and eat more throughout my day and my body has been feeling wonderful.
Also I found out today one of my poems found a home! It’s going to be getting published in a University Journal! Yay! It felt wonderful to read the email. They also invited me to read at their university so I’m pretty sure I’m going to attend that. Basically I’m feeling great, because this is another stepping stone for my work. I can’t wait to see where I’ll go from here!
As for the title of this blog, yes I masturbated. Ha!
Honestly I hadn’t recently masturbated the last week or so, but after I had dinner I just got the feeling and ok I happen to have a candle already lit and ok I may have put on some Barry White, because I have a poem where I joke about masturbating as a Berry White song plays so I thought I should actually live up to umm my writing….yeah.
Two things I learned today: I need to get laid and I want a new fancy vibrator
and of course I would talk about masturbation and my poetry getting published in the same goddamn post. Ha!
And this is my life.
FML bahahaha
Today was beyond hilarious and showed everyone how much I’m a mess of red hair running around.
First I woke up early today to go to the gym and I thought to myself at 8am, I’m going to sleep in a bit longer but I though hey I’ll go on Facebook for a few minutes and then sleep a bit longer. But I forgot last night I decided to be a grown up (kind of) and log out of not only all my emails but my social media sites as well. At 8am trying to remember one of my millions of passwords was a struggle.
Problem 1: Forgot Facebook Password
Problem 2: I Forgot my yahoo password which is the recovery account
Problem 3: Can’t access the recovery email for yahoo but to be honest I don’t even remember that old email.
Problem 4: So next step was to use a new email-used my college email-didn’t send to my email right away and Facebook tells me I should wait 30 minutes so I figure ok i’ll nap for an hour and see when I wake up
Problem 5: Still nothing, so I try another email…still nothing
Problem 6: Try my phone number, but I don’t have a smart phone. Oh don’t worry I tried to send the link to my email, but when i did that it told me I have to use the link through my phone.
So I can’t get on Facebook and I think to myself ok that’s not all that bad.
Problem 7: OMG MY SPOTIFY! I need that for when I’m working on poetry.
So I made myself a new spotify account.
*THIS IS MY LIFE**
Also I went to my poetry workshop today and I’m sitting in there with one of my peers and we are chatting and having a good time being in class earlier and I look down at my shirt and I realize: “Damn, my shirt is inside out.”
Shit.
This was my day all day!
Filed under about me, FML, funny, This would happen to me (funny)
“I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.” -Mike Birbiglia
Now that I’ve finished my chapbook I’ve given myself a few days of down time. Letting my mind rest and my body just lay down in bed or watching movies in the downstairs living room with a plate of cookies.
Since I’ve been “trying” to not work on my poetry I’ve been scanning the internet reading other blogs and articles. Tonight I came across a post Thought Catalog: “7 Types Of Pizza That Would Make Great Lovers If They Were People.”
After reading the title I became extremely excited about reading a post not only having to do with food, but is resonate talking about having sex with me…clearly an article for their women’s reader-ship when the main picture of the post is of a woman holding onto her pizza lover. But once I began reading this article I realized how a funny little idea went in the wrong direction. (Maybe I’m far too passionate about my lovers and my pizza)
Their number one: DiGiorno Pizza
First of all they failed to mention DiGiorno Pizza Cheese Stuffed Crust. If we are going to be comparing great sex and pizza lets first start off with cheese in the crust. Second of all DiGiorno Pizza should never be compared as great sex or a “great lover” as this post likes to call sex. DiGiorno becomes the “stay at home boyfriend.” No, I had that boyfriend when I was twenty-one. The post then mentions that you don’t have to go outside to get this pizza. Umm no, you still have to go drag your hungry ass to the grocery store, with no bra on, single and too damn lazy to make a homemade pizza, so you make your way to the froze pizza section where you meet “DiGiorno” and you think this could work, it looks good, it’s friendly and I don’t have to work at all to get a bite. But at the end of the night you realize this pizza is not sweet on me, it’s not good in bed at all. It turns out it was just a romp through the field.
Lovability is not a 9.8/10 (No)
Their Number Two: Little Caesars HOT-N-Ready Pizza
The post seems unsure if Little Caesars is the relationship type or the booty call. Clearly they have never eaten Little Caesars because it’s not only the booty call pizza but the really drunk one night stand that you have and after you end up going to the clinic for an STD test. This shouldn’t even be the “quick fix.” Believe me I’ve had a bite of this pizza and it was a one time very very drunk hook-up that you wake up to thinking, “fuck I did that” and “time to go get tested.”
Lovability is not: $5/10 More like 0/10
Their number Three: $1 NY Pizza (Or cheap slices, $3 Maximum)
I’m not a hooker, they are not a Giglio and we are not strippers. Great sex is not based on the amount of value of money, unless you’re into that short of thing…But still that’s not a “great lover.” Plus the post claims, “You would hold on tight to this person and consider yourself lucky to have found an affordable, scrumptious significant other.”
No…
Lovability they gave A+/10 (seriously need to stop switching the scale…
Their number four: Papa John’s Pizza
Ok, I agree with this one the most and what the post has to say. Papa John’s Pizza is the equivalent of the guy you date that after you break-up you see everywhere. But I disagree I can to resist biting into their hot pizza, it’s not worth the burnt mouth. They were an asshole, always going to be an ass hole and they are just acting like they care. So no I will not bite into them. I’ll find my own local pizza place that cares about my needs, my hunger and will give me a light spanking now and again.
Lovabilty is not a 8.9/10 (This rating they gave doesn’t make sense. If they’re the ex and burning your mouth why would you rate them so high?) Booo!
Their Number Five: Domino’s Pizza
I’m rather confused with this portion of the post, because they don’t really discuss the quality of pizza itself more the fact that Domino’s comes off as “thirsty” and the Pizza Tracker can be related to a boyfriend who constantly lets you know where they are at all times. (Which is not a healthy at all) Yet the post fails to mention how this pizza would make a “great lover.” When in the reality the post sets up Domino’s not as a great lover but a clingy lover who you felt bad for because they tried really hard to win you over, so you give them a go in the sack. (Which will all know who that turns out).
Lovability they gave: 9.89/10 Ok maybe more an 8, but that’s because they are cute and sweet, but the sex….no that’s nowhere near an 9 or 8. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Their Number Six: Pizza Hut
The describe Pizza Hut as, “Pizza Hut the person would obviously have a symmetrical face and a witty personality, glowing with a gorgeous aura that is borderline intimidating. If Pizza Hut was interested you’d certainly act because who can resist…”
I will agree with the first line I left out, that yes I knew Pizza Hut growing up and I was always excited to see one or hear I may end up with some pizza, but the fact is I was young and I just wanted some pizza. Then I grew up and realized what Pizza Hut really was. Full of coupons that don’t do shit, pizza that looks better in the picture and if I’m going to order pizza from a place I’m ordering from Domino’s (they have pasta bowls)
Lovability they gave: 9.1/10 (No….no way in hell)
Their Number Seven: A Pizza Buffet
Ok…poor pizza buffets. Plus this portions is just informing us lovely ladies that you shouldn’t jump from man to man or as they put it, “relationships.” Oh hell no….I want to try myself different types of pizza and I’m going to bite into has many slices as I want, when I want. Not necessarily all at one time and at one place but shit if I want a different kind of pizza by GOD I’M GOING TO GRAB IT AND EAT IT!
Lovability they gave: beginning &Middle: 9.8/10, Towards the end of relationship: -3/10
I really don’t what this one should be really rated but to me a variety means I’m going to find a good time and I thought this was what this post was really going to be about. The good times and the great sex moments via Good pizza.
Now I’m hungry for a real good time and a really good slice of pizza.
Both…at the same time….now.
Did I just rant about pizza? Yes…yes I did.
At least once a day I stumble across a Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog or miscellaneous post about being single. Weather it’s be funny or inspirational the post tends to dance among the seams of the world of singledom and how us single people feel.
Even though many of little anecdote of singlehood do have truth to them I find many of them rather incorrect and only reminding me that I am single and there for this must be a problem. Especially as I begin to come across the posts about, “whats holding you back from marriage” or “23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23.” It’s like when Beyoncé sang, “Single Ladies.”
Thanks happily married lady for tricking us single people into thinking, “fuck yeah gurl!” When in reality she goes home to a husband and child each night. And we stay out dancing (falling over if you’re me) and acting like each of us falls under the same category when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
In an era of mass communication involving the internet I think we’ve forgotten the needs, requirements, views of each other are just as different as each person on this planet. I know this must sound rather redundant, but it reminds me of the book, He’s just not into you and the underlining message I took away from it. Both men and women need to stop looking at others relationships, non relationship, or dating style and think that’s how it’s going to work out for us. Because we are all such different people and no cosmopolitan tips to flirt or your best friend telling you how her boyfriend cheating and then coming back to her and now there married and happy, that doesn’t happen for everyone.
Dating and love is not like meat temperatures, there’s no set rules on how to…cook me. (Ok I was trying to be clever) Fail. But that’s my point I’ve finally come to terms with today when I met this guy for coffee. Instead of reading the post from Cosmo titled, First Date Tips…From Guys.
For once in my life I took a deep breath, wasn’t buzzed and just talked. It was rather refreshing. Now I may have been feeling super so warm(actually really hot) I felt like I was on a tropical island in the coffee-house but for once in a long time I had a normal, nice conversation with a good-looking guy that didn’t end up naked or drunk.
Because you can’t get drunk in coffee houses that don’t sell booze.
Filed under funny, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, thoughts
I decided that tonight I wanted Bdubs so Valerie and I ordered take out by phone. Which I may add I’m terrible at! I started to order right when the woman picked up the phone. This reminds me of how terrible I am at ordering through the drive-thru. My brother makes fun of me because I always end a order with, “that will be all” and I also say, ‘I would like a coke to drink.” My brother is always like, “to drink?” and then laughs at me. (I’m a mess)
So at the start of the drive we start to talk about the two guys we both are stuck on. Valerie is into “the Rabbit” again and I’m hung up on Bruiser again. Which leads to Valerie saying, ‘How did this happen?!” “Right when you think your over someone!”
Which lead to the car ride home after getting take out,
Valerie started eating her fries in the car, saying, “God damn he’s sooo hot.”
Which lead to a series of conversation on the car ride back:
Valerie: God the rabbit is so hot! His hair!
Me: God Bruiser beard
Valerie: God he’s so good at sex
Me: And Bruiser likes biting
Valerie: and the rabbit grabbing my ass
Me: OK WE HAVE TO STOP! I’m getting turned on!
Then Valerie starts her weird laugh cry she does as she’s saying, “Sally we are waiting for guys! We never do this! We sad we never do this but we are!! What are we going to to?!”
And this is us right now, laughing, joking puzzled about how we got into this mess. So we are sleeping in the living room tonight watching Forrest Gump.
I think we needed it.
Filed under FOOD, Friends, funny, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems
Remember how in my more recent posts I spoke about how I just found out they [the stupid birth control making people] “the manufacturer’s” stopped manufacturer my brand of birth control “Loestrin 24” aka the birth control I always accidentally call “Lustrine” [God Damn my life]
So the wonderful birth control making people decided to make “Minestrin.” It’s the same damn thing, but you can chew this one, which I say, “WHAT THE FUCK?!” “NO.” I do not want to chew my pill. First have you ever seen a pill before? They are so small and second I’ve been taking them since I was 17 years old, I think I got this shit on lock down. Expect for that time one pill fell down the sink but that’s why I no longer take them near sink like drains now but still I think I’m good to go!
I even told my roommate Valerie, “Watch before we know it they will have birth control in gummy form.” And she replies, “OMG I WOULD I LOVE TO TAKE THOSE!”
So my doctor was out-of-town until Thursday, then they call and tell me I have to find out what my health insurance covers and I’m like, “umm so you don’t even care what I take?!” So I tell them I’ve already check so they are like, “Oh ok we will send it off.” Then I get a text on Thursday. Oh boy! My birth control is at the pharmacy in California! So I had to call two pharmacist and thank goodness the lady working there is a normal human and understands where I’m coming from.
All thursday though I have been uncontrollably crying at everything! You see if I’m even off by a few hours of taking my pills my body freaks out and well I cry at shit like this:
Shit I was crying about for hours: Valerie comes home and finds me crying on our porch and I go in how they call this bear, lion and tiger trio the “BLT” I can’t stop crying and she’s like, “Oh my God Sally!”
And now its friday, I finally got a call to come pick up my pills at CVS! Hallelujah! Then as I’m walking out of CVS I walk past the all the cards and I see these Boofle cards and I have to rush out of the store before I start to cry again! OH MY GOD WHATS WRONG WITH ME! I NEED MY PILLS!
As I’m sitting at the local coffee shop I visit almost everyday I’m about to take my pills, because I am lady and a lady takes her birth control next to a bunch of strangers drinking coffee and reading The Da Vinci Code because clearly they made a life choice this morning too.
THEN I REALIZE!!! I HAVEN’T TAKEN MY PILLS IN SIX DAYS! I call the pharmacist again and they tell me to start this Sunday, so I have to go through this crying hell for another few days! And of course use other forms of protection for a while and I should have just told her over the phone, “Oh ok.” But what I did say was, “Oh I haven’t had sex since May and that’s not changing anytime soon, so its all good.”
Looks like I’m going to be crying a lot this week.
This is worst then the time I cried every time I saw this commercial: Budweiser Clydesdale Commercial, Super Bowl 2013
^That title is my failed sexual pun.
Man, I failed at life today! The bad jokes, cutting my foot shaving (I have hobbit feet, they gots to be shaved!) to dropping my apple mid bit as I was walking to class and yelling out loud, “ahhh man!” girl walking by me laughing. Then bringing the wrong book to class. Then hitting my toe on the stairs and a series of more terrible jokes.
(I wasn’t upset about any of these things, it was actually all pretty funny)
I’m so exhausted tonight!
From the three papers, getting my chapbook into my professor for my independent study, working and working on submissions and of course finally memorizing and more memorizing for this Thursday poetry performance, where I’ll be featured!
I’m so exhausted and now I’m planning on a 45 minute performance on my own schools campus, in their art series, which may happen within a weeks time. Of course I have more papers due within these two weeks and submission deadlines are about to come up. And I’m editing now for my schools journal.
I haven’t been this exhausted since, well coaching a year ago. Normally I don’t need a lot of sleep or rest but damn….my ass is getting kicked and I’m feeling it tonight.
But awesome news for next year! In Feb. I’ll be touring from Feb. 17th-20th through Kansas, two schools in Nebraska and then Iowa. That’s going to be one hell of a sick week! I cannot wait!
Damn I’m craving a milk shake and a burger right now! That’s it! I’m getting myself a burger and fries and an awesome milk shake on Friday! OMG! I can’t wait!
I want this burger so bad that I would give up hot hot sex, with a naked bearded man holding a very yummy dark beer. I know the whole bearded man thing may not sound like a big deal but believe me my friends know how badly beards make me hot! So to give that up for a burger….THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!
Wow…this post went from one conversation about poetry and writing to food.
As it should.
Filed under FOOD, Life, my writing, poetry, thoughts
The Cat Chronicles 