Tag Archives: funny

Grapefruit your man

So my wonderful friend Candice sent me this funny as shit Youtube video.

There are no words

I was really trying to think of my own comments to this video but there are no words for this video. just watch it and you’ll understand.

Thank you Candice for showing me funny ass video

I’m sure I’ll never look at a grapefruit the same again.

Leave a comment

Filed under FOOD, funny, WTF?

Dark Horse

I’ve been having sex since I was a junior in high school (my first time) I think I was 17 years old and I may have been one of the last of my friends to get my period in middle school but I was the first of the group to lose my virginity. Not surprised at all. I was always the more sexual one of the group. The crazy, freaky, fast paced friend who never really slowed down.

It’s been five months since I’ve had sex. This is the longest I have gone without sex since my first time. Between 17 and 24 I was either in a long-term relationship or having a good old-time with groups of different guys. Of course there were moment of dry spells. Little ones though, like four months.

This dry spell has no end in sight. I’m not worried or upset. It’s more of my ongoing joke and something I enjoy talking about.

But don’t you hate it when you tell people you’re going through a dry spell and they try to out do you and tell you they spent even longer not having sex. Like you say, “Oh, its been six months now.” And then someones shots, “oh I went two years.”

What do you want? A slow hand clap? A gold star? Sex from me?

Don’t you also hate those people with statements: Oh, I don’t need sex.I’m asexual. Ha! I think it’s almost insulting to those of us that can admit sexual desires play an integral role in our daily lives. It’s like when you were a little kid playing sports and you cry after getting hit by a basketball and your friend would laugh and shout, “ha I never cry, because I’m tough.”

And you’re like, “um that’s not healthy.” Actually emotionally damaging.”

Also they always seem like they are looking down upon you and you need to get your act together. Ugh I dislike this. Especially from those who don’t even masturbate. These are healthy needs, like wanting pie or smoothies.

Masturbating: Don’t you hate it when you masturbate to a certain song a few times so after that its hard to listen to it in public. I masturbated to Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse” one too many times. Now I live in fear that if it comes on the radio…I may come too…

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Being a woman, Confessions, Friends, funny, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, thoughts

Yeah…this dry spell is a mess and full of food

Yesterday my three roommates and I drove 45 minutes to a different town to get our hands on:

  1. Jamba Juice
  2. Krispy Kreme Donuts
  3. Sweet Potato Tots <– These were just a plus and weren’t planned until we got into town.

For anyone that lives out in the “middle of no where midwest” you understand the need to venture out and find other kinds of food. Especially when my roommates and I are all from California, where everything you ever wanted is everywhere.

Food tends to be the center of my universe. I’m going to be making a poetry performance trip in April and the first thing I told my roommate was, “I’m going to look up what kind of food they have there.”

Also we are planning a road trip for May and June and the majority of planned out events involve food.

This is my life.

Also for many of my readers of this outrageous blog, I haven’t had sex as of recent. Actually I haven’t sense November. So I so how went on a celibate binge without my knowledge.

Or as my dear friend told me, “Your celibacy is bumming all of out.” And apparently my poetry is missing the nasty like it once had. But I’m sure I still sneak that shit in there a lot.

But last night really confirmed my need to get laid.

Valerie and I stayed up until 2am watching The Voice in our blanket fort we made for the living room, that’s now been up for a week and some days. One Usher makes our loins burn, that was until Usher reminded Valerie of this guy she dated for a while. Still Usher is yummy yum.

Then this guy comes on The Voice and sings and I’m sure Valerie and I both had mini orgasm’s

 

The conversation as he sang-

Valerie: imagine having sex with him

Me: imagine him taking off your clothes and singing

Valerie:  ahhh don’t say that! I’m going crazy!!

 

Yeah…we need to get laid and badly…very badly.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Being a woman, Confessions, FOOD, funny, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, Struggles

Today I masturbated to a Berry White song, candles and my pretty pink vibrator

1339727474569_4383588

Today (I mean Saturday March 8th) was amazing. Now of course I’m writing this at 3am which is due to the fact that I just watch half of the documentary, My Amityville Horror and after the creepiest fucking picture of a ghost boy we shut off the film and freaked out for 10 minutes and then put on The Office to calm ourselves down. Real ghosts or not and no matter what you believe it was creep as fuck.

But this March 8th was an amazing little day. I got to spend all day at my favorite little coffee shop working on my poetry. Hung out with friends, went to two little house parties, had a nice beer, lots of food all day. I’ve been pushing myself to eat better and eat more throughout my day and my body has been feeling wonderful.

Also I found out today one of my poems found a home! It’s going to be getting published in a University Journal! Yay! It felt wonderful to read the email. They also invited me to read at their university so I’m pretty sure I’m going to attend that. Basically I’m feeling great, because this is another stepping stone for my work. I can’t wait to see where I’ll go from here!

As for the title of this blog, yes I masturbated. Ha!

Honestly I hadn’t recently masturbated the last week or so, but after I had dinner I just got the feeling and ok I happen to have a candle already lit and ok I may have put on some Barry White, because I have a poem where I joke about masturbating as a Berry White song plays so I thought I should actually live up to umm my writing….yeah.

Two things I learned today: I need to get laid and I want a new fancy vibrator

and of course I would talk about masturbation and my poetry getting published in the same goddamn post. Ha!

And this is my life.

FML bahahaha

Leave a comment

Filed under Being a woman, FML, FOOD, funny, poetry, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny)

Gosh, I can be such a mess

Today was beyond hilarious and showed everyone how much I’m a mess of red hair running around.

First I woke up early today to go to the gym and I thought to myself at 8am, I’m going to sleep in a bit longer but I though hey I’ll go on Facebook for a few minutes and then sleep a bit longer. But I forgot last night I decided to be a grown up (kind of) and log out of not only all my emails but my social media sites as well. At 8am trying to remember one of my millions of passwords was a struggle.

Problem 1: Forgot Facebook Password

Problem 2: I Forgot my yahoo password which is the recovery account

Problem 3: Can’t access the recovery email for yahoo but to be honest I don’t even remember that old email.

Problem 4: So next step was to use a new email-used my college email-didn’t send to my email right away and Facebook tells me I should wait 30 minutes so I figure ok i’ll nap for an hour and see when I wake up

Problem 5: Still nothing, so I try another email…still nothing

Problem 6: Try my phone number, but I don’t have a smart phone. Oh don’t worry I tried to send the link to my email, but when i did that it told me I have to use the link through my phone.

So I can’t get on Facebook and I think to myself ok that’s not all that bad.

Problem 7: OMG MY SPOTIFY! I need that for when I’m working on poetry.

So I made myself a new spotify account.

*THIS IS MY LIFE**

Also I went to my poetry workshop today and I’m sitting in there with one of my peers and we are chatting and having a good time being in class earlier and I look down at my shirt and I realize: “Damn, my shirt is inside out.”

Shit.

This was my day all day!

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, FML, funny, This would happen to me (funny)

Pizza & Sex (Places you don’t want to get sauce in) Or do you…

“I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.” -Mike Birbiglia

Now that I’ve finished my chapbook I’ve given myself a few days of down time. Letting my mind rest and my body just lay down in bed or watching movies in the downstairs living room with a plate of cookies.

Since I’ve been “trying” to not work on my poetry I’ve been scanning the internet reading other blogs and articles. Tonight I came across a post Thought Catalog: 7 Types Of Pizza That Would Make Great Lovers If They Were People.” 

After reading the title I became extremely excited about reading a post not only having to do with food, but is resonate talking about having sex with me…clearly an article for their women’s reader-ship when the main picture of the post is of a woman holding onto her pizza lover. But once I began reading this article I realized how a funny little idea went in the wrong direction. (Maybe I’m far too passionate about my lovers and my pizza)

Their number one: DiGiorno Pizza

First of all they failed to mention DiGiorno Pizza Cheese Stuffed Crust. If we are going to be comparing great sex and pizza lets first start off with cheese in the crust. Second of all DiGiorno Pizza should never be compared as great sex or a “great lover” as this post likes to call sex. DiGiorno becomes the “stay at home boyfriend.” No, I had that boyfriend when I was twenty-one. The post then mentions that you don’t have to go outside to get this pizza. Umm no, you still have to go drag your hungry ass to the grocery store, with no bra on, single and too damn lazy to make a homemade pizza, so you make your way to the froze pizza section where you meet “DiGiorno” and you think this could work, it looks good, it’s friendly and I don’t have to work at all to get a bite. But at the end of the night you realize this pizza is not sweet on me, it’s not good in bed at all. It turns out it was just a romp through the field.

Lovability is not a 9.8/10 (No)

Their Number Two: Little Caesars HOT-N-Ready Pizza

The post seems unsure if Little Caesars is the relationship type or the booty call. Clearly they have never eaten Little Caesars because it’s not only the booty call pizza but the really drunk one night stand that you have and after you end up going to the clinic for an STD test. This shouldn’t even be the “quick fix.” Believe me I’ve had a bite of this pizza and it was a one time very very drunk hook-up that you wake up to thinking, “fuck I did that” and “time to go get tested.”

Lovability is not: $5/10 More like 0/10

Their number Three: $1 NY Pizza (Or cheap slices, $3 Maximum)

I’m not a hooker, they are not a Giglio and we are not strippers. Great sex is not based on the amount of value of money, unless you’re into that short of thing…But still that’s not a “great lover.” Plus the post claims, “You would hold on tight to this person and consider yourself lucky to have found an affordable, scrumptious significant other.”

No…

Lovability they gave A+/10 (seriously need to stop switching the scale…

Their number four: Papa John’s Pizza

Ok, I agree with this one the most and what the post has to say. Papa John’s Pizza is the equivalent  of the guy you date that after you break-up you see everywhere. But I disagree I can to resist biting into their hot pizza, it’s not worth the burnt mouth. They were an asshole, always going to be an ass hole and they are just acting like they care. So no I will not bite into them. I’ll find my own local pizza place that cares about my needs, my hunger and will give me a light spanking now and again.

Lovabilty is not a 8.9/10 (This rating they gave doesn’t make sense. If they’re the ex and burning your mouth why would you rate them so high?) Booo!

Their Number Five: Domino’s Pizza

I’m rather confused with this portion of the post, because they don’t really discuss the quality of pizza itself more the fact that Domino’s comes off as “thirsty” and the Pizza Tracker can be related to a boyfriend who constantly lets you know where they are at all times. (Which is not a healthy at all) Yet the post fails to mention how this pizza would make a “great lover.” When in the reality the post sets up Domino’s not as a great lover but a  clingy lover who you felt bad for because they tried really hard to win you over, so you give them a go in the sack. (Which will all know who that turns out).

Lovability they gave: 9.89/10 Ok maybe more an 8, but that’s because they are cute and sweet, but the sex….no  that’s nowhere near an 9 or 8. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Their Number Six: Pizza Hut

The describe Pizza Hut as, “Pizza Hut the person would obviously have a symmetrical face and a witty personality, glowing with a gorgeous aura that is borderline intimidating. If Pizza Hut was interested you’d certainly act because who can resist…”

I will agree with the first line I left out, that yes I knew Pizza Hut growing up and I was always excited to see one or hear I may end up with some pizza, but the fact is I was young and I just wanted some pizza. Then I grew up and realized what Pizza Hut really was. Full of coupons that don’t do shit, pizza that looks better in the picture and if I’m going to order pizza from a place I’m ordering from Domino’s (they have pasta bowls)

Lovability they gave: 9.1/10 (No….no way in hell)

Their Number Seven: A Pizza Buffet

Ok…poor pizza buffets. Plus this portions is just informing us lovely ladies that you shouldn’t jump from man to man or as they put it, “relationships.” Oh hell no….I want to try myself different types of pizza and I’m going to bite into has many slices as I want, when I want. Not necessarily all at one time and at one place but shit if I want a different kind of pizza by GOD I’M GOING TO GRAB IT AND EAT IT!

Lovability they gave: beginning &Middle: 9.8/10, Towards the end of relationship: -3/10

I really don’t what this one should be really rated but to me a variety means I’m going to find a good time and I thought this was what this post was really going to be about. The good times and the great sex moments via Good pizza.

Now I’m hungry for a real good time and a really good slice of pizza.

Both…at the same time….now.

1321081969705_4397886Did I just rant about pizza? Yes…yes I did.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Causal, Dating, FOOD, for fun, funny, Pizza, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems

Said no single person ever.

tumblr_m5bs5iVrqN1rteai5o1_500

At least once a day I stumble across a Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog or miscellaneous post about being single. Weather it’s be funny or inspirational the post tends to dance among the seams of the world of singledom and how us single people feel.

Even though many of little anecdote of singlehood do have truth to them I find many of them rather incorrect and only reminding me that I am single and there for this must be a problem. Especially as I begin to come across the posts about, “whats holding you back from marriage” or “23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23.” It’s like when Beyoncé sang, “Single Ladies.”

Thanks happily married lady for tricking us single people into thinking, “fuck yeah gurl!” When in reality she goes home to a husband and child each night. And we stay out dancing (falling over if you’re me) and acting like each of us falls under the same category when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

In an era of mass communication involving the internet I think we’ve forgotten the needs, requirements, views of each other are just as different as each person on this planet. I know this must sound rather redundant, but it reminds me of the book, He’s just not into you and the underlining message I took away from it. Both men and women need to stop looking at others relationships, non relationship, or dating style and think that’s how it’s going to work out for us. Because we are all such different people and no cosmopolitan tips to flirt or your best friend telling you how her boyfriend cheating and then coming back to her and now there married and happy, that doesn’t happen for everyone.

Dating and love is not like meat temperatures, there’s no set rules on how to…cook me. (Ok I was trying to be clever) Fail. But that’s my point I’ve finally come to terms with today when I met this guy for coffee. Instead of reading the post from Cosmo titled, First Date Tips…From Guys. 

For once in my life I took a deep breath, wasn’t buzzed and just talked. It was rather refreshing. Now I may have been feeling super so warm(actually really hot) I felt like I was on a tropical island in the coffee-house but for once in a long time I had a normal, nice conversation with a good-looking guy that didn’t end up naked or drunk.

Because you can’t get drunk in coffee houses that don’t sell booze.

Leave a comment

Filed under funny, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, thoughts