Movie I’m watching right now: Love Actually
A Book I just got done reading: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Quick recap of the weekend before I get into the real story:
- Walking Dead is back! Woah! What a season premiere!
- Going to lunch with my little brother and his girlfriend tomorrow. Sushi!
- We will be adding another member to the house soon! Frida the Cat!!
- I have stopped crying and finally back on my birth control, so now I’m just very horny and it’s making me sweaty and shit. Also I now have a huge sweet tooth because of it.
I swear when guys know your dating they come at you all at once. It’s like they don’t know how many people you’re seeing but they pick on this scent and the scent is called, “Hey lets tell Sally how we really feel about her.”
Guy number one: Well he’s been a friend, he comes over a lot. We workshop poems together. There has been on and off flirting a lot! And as my friends put it, every time I perform my poetry he gets a “poetry boner.” This is what I’ve been told from my friends watching the face he makes when I perform. (This has happened to multiple guys and my friend joke to me all the time about it) This one is never going to happen. Lets be real, he’s a nice guy but he’s just a big old flirt and he’s still pretty young. It would never work, nothing beyond a fun make out session.
Guy number two: My friend kind of set us up, he just moved into town recently. We met up at this really fun fall festival of beer thing. Ran around to different bars with him and my friends. Seemed to hit it off and he didn’t jet when I drunkenly spilled about my ex cheating on me. Then he came to my big poetry reading and then we both hung out this last Friday, just watched a movie. I wanted to take it easy, didn’t want to go out. It was nice, he didn’t make a move. Which is a new thing to feel, not having someone try and jump my bones. He’s a nice guy, attractive, runner, gets along with my friends so far. I just don’t know. He seems young, not to sure how to date or I guess take charge. He’s a very nice guy so we shall see. Plus one negative is he doesn’t really read. But he’s a big movie buff, so that kind of makes up for it, but who am I kidding, it’s a turn off when someone says they don’t read.
Guy number three: Oh boy, this guy again. So I hooked up with him drunkenly once and to be honest it was always more. I guess more than I even was aware of at the time. Which I should have known by the way he left that night. By the way he kissed me on my forehead, picked me up and place me on the bed and pulled all the blankets on me. But I kind of fucked up. A week later I slept with his friend. Did I know they were that close friends? No. Did I know this would affect him that much? No. This is one of my biggest regrets. (I don’t have many regrets) So we kind of stopped talking, but of course there was a little back and forth flirting, a little texting and then it stopped over the summer with him.
I stopped sleeping around and haven’t since May, because I realized I wanted something more than a one night stand.
Then we started talking again. I think it was the weekend I got back into town.We ran into him and his friends, who happen to be my friends and old roommates. That night as he was leaving my kind of drunk best friend Valerie whispered to him, “You fucked it up.” Which lead him to texting me that night, about how it was nice to see me and we started talking again. That lasted until the end of September and then again nothing.
Now I was aware that a friend of his had just passed away so I only figured he was going through some stuff so I stepped away. (My senior year of high school my speech team went through two very tragic death so I really learned that year that everyone griefs differently.) And then what seemed like time away turned into me thinking, “well I’ve just faded into the background.”
That was until Saturday morning I woke up to a late night text message.
Two texts: He spilled his guts out about the death of his friend, which was rather tragic and very sad to hear and then the passing of his cousin, which is also very sad to hear. Which lead to him shutting everyone out and I should point he’s been going through stuff. You know, just life changing stuff, that “stuff” we all go through, just getting are shit together and figuring it all out(I’m not going to go into detail)
This lead to his second text, about how he does like me and does want to get to know me. And this is the last part of the second text (Replaced his name with guy) “But before I can do that, I have to sort myself out first. Its only fair. I refuse to give you the guy I am right now. I want to give you the guy I can be.”
I was rather speechless and not sure really what to say.
This one is hard for me. I like him, rather more than my head says I should. But it’s hard not to like him because it’s so easy with him. The talking, the looks, the jokes and he cares on another level. Like he knows my friends approval means a lot to me and how he gets along with them means everything. Sexual knows what he’s doing and he likes biting, which lately has been hard to come by. And more importantly his touch feels different. He’s somebody I want holding me. I’m craving for him.
But will this one ever happen? I’m not very hopefully, because well it’s been easier this past year to not have hope then it is to have hope in dating. Hearts break less.
But maybe I’ll give this one a little bit of hope.