I’m restless at the moment. With one paper, journals and one more exam between me and undergrad graduation. My parents will be in town shortly and then I’ll be road-tripping. All sound fun and all are stressing me out.
I’m looking into two manuscript submissions and I’m not sure what to turn into who. Which is stressful. Maybe I’ll get this last paper done tonight so I can put together two chapbooks I would be happy to send out.
I hate and love moving. I hate taking down my good feeling energy. I can already feel it. But I love the idea of change and moving onto a new life. Especially since I’ve lived in this same house for two years now. It’s time to move onto new things (I’m not going to say adventures because…stupid) So the idea of fresh places, a change of scenery sounds wonderful but I hate cleaning, packing, cleaning, hot weather and the never-ending of packing boxes and trying to lift heavy boxes. Which just turns into my ass in the air, loud sounds, cussing and getting no where. (Like bad sex)
Road trip should be fun. I just can’t wait to get over the planning and packing for that as well. Especially because I’m doing most of it. Everyone is so busy it’s hard to meet up with them to work out things and if I don’t get it done…it won’t get done.
So here I am.
But I’m excited because I’ll be in my favorite National Park for my birthday!
But I’m ready. Ready to get home and start making my next move.
I can only take two more weeks of limbo before I say, “fuck this!”
- I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
- There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.
And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness
- I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
- I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
- When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.
Filed under Dating, Disability, Friends, Home, Life, Love, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Teachers, thoughts
It’s been rather snowy few months here in the Midwest. It’s almost like the Midwest knew I was going back to California in the spring and wanted to make sure I had the full Midwest snow experience. (Thanks)
January/February has been a mix of stress, peaceful meditation and moments like the ones I’m experiencing today. Blissful happy and sad memories.
You see I’m working on my second chapbook for my workshop class. I’ve decided to focus on my past relationships. I think it’s about time I’m honest with some of the most intimate moments of my life that involve sex, men and my feelings towards being a woman and growing up feeling like an object of sex. Today I worked on two wonderful new little poems and I’m very excited about both of them.
As of right now I’m very single.
Yes I was talking to and went out on a few dates with this engineer guy but it was a looks better on paper kind of deal. I just have no attention to him. I don’t lay in bed wanting him near me, if anything it’s frustrating that he has tried to meet up with me…a little to needy for my taste.
And I would love to get laid, but let’s be real that’s not going to happen. I’m rather tired of the hook-up.
There is someone I’m crushing on but I’m sure he just views me as a friend. (I hope that’s not true) But it’s more than likely is true…that he doesn’t like me in that way.
I’ve been very into the film Spirited Away lately.
Why? I don’t know. I just have.
I have been feeling very connected to films like Spirited Away, Coraline and Pan’s Labyrinth.
I’m ready to go home soon
Ready to look at MFA programs for my poetry and I’m ready to meet someone whose going to be everything I could never write about.
Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dating, Dreams, Life, Love, Meditation, my writing, poetry, school, Thankful, thoughts, universe, What do you want in a man