Tag Archives: my life

My dreams

Last night I went through a series of crazy ass dreams and lucky enough I woke up remembering a few details. In of my dreams I was on a huge eagle flying, it was dark brown, reds and deep blues. And from what I remember we were working together to save someone or overcome something, but I’m not exactly sure.

So like the weird person I am I looked up an interpretation of dreams:

To see birds in your dream symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

To see an eagle in your dream symbolizes nobility, pride, fierceness, freedom, superiority, courage,  and powerful intellectual ability. It also represents self-renewal and your connection with your spirituality. You will struggle fiercely and courageously to realize your highest ambitions and greatest desires.

Then I remember another dream I had where my room was filled with lit candles:

To see a burning candle in your dream signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.

I thought that was a cool little interpretation and I think both these interpretation have a lot to say for how I have been feeling the past week or so. I think thats always so funky about dreams, that your mind is trying to figure things out when you’re resting and I always love to realize my waking life and my mind at rest are both going through things and figuring everything out.

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Filed under Dreams, Sleep, thoughts

Dear Sleep, I miss you

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I’ve been lacking in the sleep department. More than normal.

And I’m missing sleep.

The past week I’ve been up till 4am and then I wake up at 9am.

The biggest problem I can’t even nap now.

This is becoming a huge problem, I’m really dying for some sleep time. To the point I’m laying here crying because I just can’t seem to get myself to fall asleep.

Tomorrow I’m cleaning my room, washing my sheets, going to take a hot shower and lay naked in my bed. Also I’m going to have a few martinis in me as well.

But this lack of sleep needs to go away. I need to get my life back together.

Time to start memorizing poems, turn in submissions and de-stress my life!

 

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Filed under House, Life, Sleep, Struggles, thoughts

Exhausted and getting my ass kicked (And not in the way I would want)

^That title is my failed sexual pun.

Man, I failed at life today! The bad jokes, cutting my foot shaving (I have hobbit feet, they gots to be shaved!) to dropping my apple mid bit as I was walking to class and yelling out loud, “ahhh man!” girl walking by me laughing. Then bringing the wrong book to class. Then hitting my toe on the stairs and a series of more terrible jokes.

(I wasn’t upset about any of these things, it was actually all pretty funny)

I’m so exhausted tonight!

From the three papers, getting my chapbook into my professor for my independent study, working and working on submissions and of course finally memorizing and more memorizing for this Thursday poetry performance, where I’ll be featured!

I’m so exhausted and now I’m planning on a 45 minute performance on my own schools campus, in their art series, which may happen within a weeks time. Of course I have more papers due within these two weeks and submission deadlines are about to come up. And I’m editing now for my schools journal.

I haven’t been this exhausted since, well coaching a year ago. Normally I don’t need a lot of sleep or rest but damn….my ass is getting kicked and I’m feeling it tonight.

But awesome news for next year! In Feb. I’ll be touring from Feb. 17th-20th through Kansas, two schools in Nebraska and then Iowa. That’s going to be one hell of a sick week! I cannot wait!

Damn I’m craving a milk shake and a burger right now! That’s it! I’m getting myself a burger and fries and an awesome milk shake on Friday! OMG! I can’t wait!

I want this burger so bad that I would give up hot hot sex, with a naked bearded man holding a very yummy dark beer. I know the whole bearded man thing may not sound like a big deal but believe me my friends know how badly beards make me hot! So to give that up for a burger….THIS IS HUGE PEOPLE!!

Wow…this post went from one conversation about poetry and writing to food.

As it should.

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Filed under FOOD, Life, my writing, poetry, thoughts

My Guardian Angel

My life has been a series of struggles, like everyone else on this Earth I have cried during hard times, I have watched loved ones die, pets die, gone through my own personal challenges. We are mortal, we’re not perfect, we will have bad days, good days and moments to smile.

This past year though personally has been a series of struggles for me or as I look at it now, “Life testing how resilient I am.” Between my struggle with love, school, work and every in between this has year and 2012 has a year of tears, fighting for what I love and moments of sitting alone in my room wondering if I will ever find love, ever be done with fighting for what I love and if I will ever be done with some of these continuing struggles.

Then I have these moments of such joyous gifts, of amazing events happening in my life and these moments shine light on all the terrible shitty shit moments and really just push them away. 

For example: The week The one that turned out to be an ass hole decided to just stop talking to me which made me so crushed, is also the week I found out I won this poetry award for one of my pieces. Which of course has changed everything for me, because this was the moment I looked at my writing differently, my peers, my professors, my friends began to look at not only my writing differently but me as well.

 These moments have continued to shine on my life, from becoming a featured poet, to the amazing feed back at open mic nights, to workshops with amazing people, to the moment I started to realize I’ve grown up into this beautiful woman. 

I’ve been looking back on last year and the year that is in progress and I always say to myself, “Wow, I’m so lucky, I’m so blessed and I think the world is looking out for me.” And this is always the one thought that follows, the one thought I have been thinking about for years had it isn’t until tonight I have finally spoken about it out loud, “I think someone is watching out for me.” Like a Guardian Angel.”

And I know exactly who my Guardian angel is……….My Grandpa.

He passed away after developing cancer from asbestos exposure. On multiple occasion my mother tells me this story. Your Grandpa found out his was sick and around this same time I was born. I have always been told that after I was born my grandpa was so happy, so excited! And since both my parents were working at the time, he was always babysitting me. My grandpa would follow me everywhere. “You made his day.” “He loved you so much.” “You were everything for him.” “He focused on you instead of his sickness.”

A little bit after my 1st birthday he passed away.

After talking with a good friend and finally saying all this I do agree with him and finally see it. These moments with my Grandfather make up 100% of who I am today as a person. He is the reason I am the caring person I am today. He is the reason I grew up happy, grew up a dreamer, grew up giving out all this love. I was his world for a year, he was mine too.

Looking through photos tonight I begin to flood with emotions and tears for a man I don’t even remember, for a man who was only around for a year of my life. This moment……Of tears falling down my face at the age of twenty-four make me firmly believe that my Grandpa is watching over me, is holding me when I cry alone, is the reason I have more sunny days then rainy days.

 I only wish he could have been on Earth to watch me grow up in person. I would have loved more hugs on Christmas, more smiles on birthdays, more forehead kisses as I leave for college, more time with someone who gave me such a blooming love inside of myself.

Then I remember……he is watching after me. Like the sun touches the flowers petals, like the wind kisses my face and the stars fill up the darkness. He sees me, he knows I love him and he is forever watching out for me.

He is my foundation of love, he is my Grandpa.

I'm the one he is holding

My Grandpa holding me

Grandpa and Me

Forever in each others hearts

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Filed under Beautiful, Family, Life, Love, My Grandpa, My Guardian Angel, Thankful, thoughts, universe

The Awakening (to more sex)

I know sex

Do I know dating? nope, not at all

I have become aware recently how inept I am in the dating world. I become so nervous when talking to a guy I have a crush on, or I shut down all together. This is a growing problem for me and the dating scene. Now when it comes to sex, BAM! No problem, got that shit on lock down. I feel like that scene from friends when Joey talks about how he always feels nervous and then he has sex and that calms him down. This is how I feel. 

I’ve become more and more inclined to “hooking up” as of now. I think this has a lot to do with the last few men I tried to develop a healthy relationship. At the moment in my life hooking up seems like a much more viable option. To be honest I would much rather enjoy a relationship but I don’t have anyone single around me to one, shows an interest in me or two I’m interested in. Along with this I’m far to busy with my poetry and my life to even have the time for a boyfriend in my life.

So fun casual sex it is!

images

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Filed under Causal, funny, sex, single girl problems

The Universe is watching after me

I have this belief about the Universe, where when you’re having a bad week the universe finds a way to pick you back up. The Universe knew I needed a win this week and oh boy did the universe open my eyes to my future. So I will write here, who ever is in control of the Universe, who ever is watching after me, thank you.

Last night I went to an Open Mic night on Campus and it was wonderful. My best friends all came out to see me, some who I always torture with by sending them files on top of files of my work and some who have never heard my work until last night. I knew they would love it and support me but the audience, woah. Such wonderful feed back, such wonderful comments, such wonderful energy. Not only that but a local Poet approached me right after to get my number and has been pouring out invites for me to attend spoken word performances and wants me to work on a project over the summer.

Then this afternoon I got a call from my professor informing me I won The Academy of American Poets contest that my university puts on.

I know to some these things may be consider small achievements and for me I look at both of these as my stepping stone into a career I wasn’t even thinking about a year ago. I wasn’t even writing like how I am now a year ago. So today I’m sitting here crying, not because I won something but because I remember the nights I sat alone in my bedroom at the age of six praying to God to make me smart, to take away my learning disability. Now here I am, an English creative writing major sitting down writing in a language I could barley spell or read in first grade. So I will sit here and cry about how happy that the years of bedroom tears are finally being wiped away.

I am so thankful.

I would trade a hundred times falling in love with a man for the feelings I have when reading and writing my poetry. These are the moments I’m reminded I don’t need love from a man, I feel love in my writing and in the books I read.

Gosh, I’m just so blissful about all thats happening for me, I can feel it. This is only the beginning and I cannot wait for the rest of my life. I feel the momentum building inside of and nothing is going to stop me.

This is how I want to feel for the rest of my life.

Blissfully happy, crying over my hard work and falling in love with the Universe.

Working

Photo: My laptop and drinking coffee at my favorite little coffee shop.

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Filed under Disability, good energy, Life, my writing, poetry, Thankful, universe

Let me just sit here, just spin here

With the universe hanging around my neck, trickling down spine and out my breath

The universe around my neck

Spring break this week! Woo! Taking it easy this spring break. Got a lot of cleaning already done and spent my whole weekend sleeping which lead to the most intense vivd dream I’ve ever had. It was so beautiful and breath taking! My mind is finally well rested again and its about time I become spiritually connected again. I’m connecting with the universe once again. I feel so good up and down my soul.

Also I turned my poetry into a local contest last week. So maybe I’ll end up winning something, that would be nice. On that note, I love where my poetry is going at the moment. I’m very excited where my work is going. Writing is becoming more and more a part of myself and I’m falling head over heels with it. I’ve made plans of looking into a MFA programs focusing on poetry. I’m very excited and hoping one day my work will make a difference.

Finally almost done with Eat, Pray, Love! I’m in love with this little book. I just picked it back up again after not reading it for about three months and might I add this was the book I needed for this last weekend and this up coming week. Planning on finishing it up by tonight and going to pick up a new book tonight. By I wanted to talk about a part of the book. Elizabeth Gilbert and a few people she meets in Italy talk about how everything seems to have a word. Like cities and such. They then proceed to talk about what they think their word is. I realized what my word is Resilience. Which is something I hope to get tattooed on my back soon, well Resilience Gene is what I want tattooed on my back and I cannot wait for this tattoo to happen!

I’m looking forward to the changes going on inside of myself and the feelings transforming throughout my body. My spirit is ready for the changes happening.

L’ho provato sulla mia pelle

(I have experienced that on my own skin)

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Filed under about me, Books, good energy, Life, my writing, poetry, reading, thoughts, universe