Tag Archives: sad

Transition

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  • I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
  • There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.

And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness

  • I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
  • I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
  • When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.

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Filed under Dating, Disability, Friends, Home, Life, Love, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Teachers, thoughts

In a pickle (FML)

I’m stuck between a rock and fucking problem. I’m still not exactly sure if I know the whole story, or maybe I’m just lying to myself. No I’m sure I don’t know the whole story. Just the fragments, the pieces of what must be a much bigger and more complicated story/issue.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. Really nice, sweet guy, the conversations are easy and he’s a lot of what I’ve been looking for. And those negative qualities I’ve seen so far I’m willing to put up with. Now a week after meeting him, he told me he was “seeing someone.” Now problem number one “seeing one” can mean a bunch of different stuff for different people. Which really sucks because I’m pretty sure after Wednesday night over hearing the word “girlfriend” flying out his kind of tipsy mouth that there is more going on. Which prompted a very long drunk conversation outside, that I kind of remember and I kind of remember talking about poetry…goddamit Sally! Really? Of course drunk Sally starts talking about poetry and my ex’s and when I was cheated on, of course!

I’m so confused at the moment. Because this guy he not acting like I would assume he would. After large amounts of assholes and my fair share of watching my ex cheat I’m confused. Because I’ve met a huge chunk of his very good friends, we are friends on Facebook and well after Wednesday night he called to say sorry and talk to me. Maybe I’m just acting very stupid and very naive.

But this guy could just take off, get out of here, never talk to me again. Like every other guy has done to me. But he hasn’t and maybe he will eventually. But my gut tells me he’s a sincere guy, who does like me a lot. Maybe more than he should.

But I could never be the other woman. Never.

So I will talk to him soon. I will ask him whats going on and I will him what I kind of remember telling Wednesday night when we both were drunk. I will tell him what I have been too nervous to tell most guys. I want more than the hook-up, more than a back up and deserve more than that. I always have deserve more. And I don’t want to ever hurt another woman’s heart so I can have happiness.

I’m very sad and very heart-broken over this, because I know exactly how this is going to play out. He will say sorry, he will feel like shit and he go back to the life he was living. Because there is nothing romantic about leaving someone else for another.

It’s funny because I wonder if this so suppose to happen, I mean something like this situation was bound to happen. People being a part of monogamous relationships at my age seems less and less.

Last month I was thinking a lot about what happened with me. Last night I also told Valerie I don’t think I’m mad at the other woman anymore. To be honest I think I would have gotten over it/her a lot faster if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew her very well and that Thrilla took my car and well how I found out about it.

It was weird to be in these shoes. Different and I told Valerie I’m sad that Thrilla handle things the way they did. Because you know I do think they really loved each other and really were happy together. I wish he would have just broken things off right when things started to become than friends. I’m a bit sad for them in that sense. If only they would have handled it better.

I think they would be together… maybe be happy. And I would be much happier too and without some baggage. I suppose these are the lessons I needed to learn though and has fueled a lot of my soul. Without being cheated on i don’t think I would have ever moved on from Thrilla and I don’t know if I would have ever found poetry.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it.

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Filed under Being a woman, Causal, Confessions, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, FML, Life, my writing, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

Fell Off the Wagon

 

 

Photo on 2012-11-27 at 12.20

 

That’s right I had sex on Tuesday night. Do I remember having sex? Not really, besides the memory of grabbing the wall and screaming a bit I don’t remember. Did I drink a bit too much? Yes I did, after two 32 oz. ciders, two Vegas Bombs and two very dark beers within two hours, I think I can safely say I drank too much. 

Also waking up in my hook ups female roommates bed naked and no memory of that, well that helps too. 

What did I learn from this? I HAVE NO SHAME AND I’M VERY COMFORTABLE WITH MY BODY! TOO MUCH! This moment deserves a true *Laugh out loud*

OH SHIT! 

Bruiser changed his mind and decided may be using me to get over another girl. So he thinks its best that nothing comes of us. I’m rather upset about this and I would be lying if Tuesday drunk sexscapes didn’t have anything to do with the texts I got from him that night. You think by 24 years old I would have stopped pulling the I’m sad about a boy time to hook-up situation. 

I’m very disappointed in how this is turning out. I like that dumb ass and it kills me to just step back. But I’ve learned no one wants you fighting for them. Because fighting for someone is just a fancy word for stalking. 

But did I not go to a party, extremely dressed up, curled hair wearing my lace turquoise dress and brown boots? Yes, I did. Did I do it to see him for a brief moment? Yes. And It wasn’t long enough. 

And ending this post with no real ending, because how can I end a post about a feeling that I’m not ready to be done with? 

 

 

 

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Filed under Being a woman, Causal, Confessions, FML, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny)

Leave this life so shattered

Life has definitely happened since the last time I put up a post. Somethings have changed for the good, others for the worse and some are continuing to stress me out to the point my chest is feels like cement.

First of all, my work. I’m tired of the battle, of the fight/games between co-workers. On Sunday I decided to step up and let go of the hurt, the pain of losing a friendship. I sat back and realized that if I want this job someday its time I start acting like it. It was time I stepped it up and showed how much I love my job and how grown up I’ve become. Plus I’m so thankful for my wonderful boss. I don’t think he will ever understand how much of an influence he has been in my life; he is my mentor and my dear friend. It’s safe to say I’m feeling much better about work and I’m actually in the progress of working on a project for my job, which is going to make life a bit stressful for a week but I love stress like that. MORE PLEASE! (Not joking, I really do love that kind of stress!)

I realized today how wonderful my friends are. I’m so thankful and lucky to have them in my life! Damn, I love my best friends. They are what keeps me going and without them life would be a lot more stressful and difficult to get through. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

The guy I’ve been seeing came home Sunday from spring break. I have yet to see him and he seems to be “busy.” I’m going to believe that he is truly “busy.” But it’s hard and I’m not going to lie, I think he’s seeing someone else/lost interest in me. This is a weakness I’m learning about. I have a hard time with the unknown. I just want to know whats going on, because I not only haven’t seen him but he has barely text me back. I don’t know why this is making my chest heavy. I’m trying to make sense of why this is hurting  so much. My friend Tina asked me these questions trying to help me find out last night at the bar.

Tina: Do you think you’re not good enough?
Me: No
Tina: Do you think it’s your fault
Me: No
Tina: Are you worried about being cheated on?
Me: I assume that everyone has the capable of cheating on me and I’ve been cheated on so much now that I don’t think it will affect me in the same way. So no.
 

Laying in bed two nights ago I wrote this,

How do you get over the feeling that someone is going to leave you? I don’t know how.

I think I’m scared of people leaving me after I’ve invested so much of my love, my heart, my caring energy on them. I give a lot in relationships and I do this at the very start in a relationship too. I wear my emotions of my sleeve. I haven’t been able to stop this and I don’t think I want to, because I think that’s a gift of mine; how loving I am. But its hard for me to watch someone go and try to go back to how my life use to be. Its like they have died and I must figure out how to go on without them there to hold me.

Maybe that’s my problem, I’m too dependent on having people in my life and when they leave me I come crashing down. Because right now I’m sitting in the car before the crash, before the crunch of metal and everything is in slow mo. I’m waiting for the crunch of this guy to walk off without me. I like him. Right not I’m doing the usual  female issue. I’m coming up with all these excuses for why he is not calling, not texting, not wanting to see me. But like the author Greg Behrendt says, “He’s just not that into you.” Those are the six little words in the back of my mind right now. Then past relationship, past men who come back into the fore front of my mind and I remember all the men that have left me and all have said, “You are such a sweet girl and I don’t want to hurt someone like you.”

So I’m now here. At the moment where I have text him and he hasn’t text back so now I shall sit and wait to see what will happen. My gut is telling me this is not going to work out, but is this really my gut or me scared to be hurt again?  Or is this me scared and over reacting and everything is just fine and he is really just busy. Maybe I’m simply not ready to feel the pain of losing someone again, because I know he would want to be friends but I know I can’t and this has been the case with everyone I’ve been with. From Pita to the best sex I’ve ever had. I told each of them I couldn’t be friends, not for a while anyway. Now best sex guy and I are good friends and this has led me to believe he has always cared about me, but Pita guy this is not the case and I understand now I was really nothing in his life. So I’m in this moment of “waiting.” But maybe that should be my sign. I want to be with someone who will text me as soon as they get back into town and someone who will see me, even if it’s just for an hour. I need that in my life, I need the extra mile from a guy and I don’t think this guy can give me that, because I do know I am a beautiful, smart women and even greater I have such a huge heart and a huge capability to forgive and to care for others. I need a man in my life who will never make me feel worried they will leave. I need this. Maybe what is hurting me so much is that I realize I need to cut it off. That I need to cut it off because I’m not receiving what I need.

God that hurts my heart to say that right now. 

What hurts so much right now is the fact that I just want to find the love of my life, I want them here right now, in front of my eyes, I want them to hold me, to make all my past pain disappear with their arms. I want to walk into my coffee shop with my computer, my books and a guy will look up and see me, simply who I am. Then he will fall in love with my freckles, my smile and the rest is the outwards breath of everything will be ok now, you can let go now. I want a mad hungry, thirsty kind of love. Of not being able to take our eyes off each other and I want to hear the passion of life not only in my voice but in the voice of another that loves me as passionately as they love the sound of the rain falling above their roof.

My God I want to breath again to the point I cough up all the past. I’m becoming impatient looking for him and I’m starting to lose all hope of ever meeting him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote the past few days:

I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart.
Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my flying parts.”
― Andrea Gibson

Tonight I must remind myself:

I am strong

I am Beautiful

I am resilient

I am a women that deserve the best out of love and more importantly out of life

(But shit do I feel so lost in my heart right now and I feel so unsure and out-of-place in dating.)

Help.

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Filed under Dating, Feeling Lost, Help, Life, Love, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe