Meditations: Animal Spirit Totems and Twin Flame

 

 

 

Its pretty obvious I’ve been struggling with relationships on different platforms these last few weeks. I’ve been left feeling rather heart-broken and very disappointed in men [boys] who have left me with empty promises. A cycle of getting over the idea of something exciting happening and the promise that one of these mornings I will wake up to someone holding me.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt someone.

Today I decided it was time to figure out my Animal totems. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a few years now and I after speaking to a friend on Tuesday evening I felt it was about time I did something about it. After reading a lot and meditating where I ended up passing out for 45 minutes I realized how silly I was to not have known my animal totems. I read a lot of article and books today that spoke about how your animal totems tend to be animals that are recurring throughout your daily life, they pop up everywhere and you have always been interested in them. During my meditation as I was laying on a sandy beach I discovered three:

• A cat, orange and white appeared to me. Which is freaky because the past few weeks I have been seeing this cat named copper when I go over to visit my friend Alicia We think he must belong to someone in the neighborhood. Copper [the name we gave him] first appeared on Halloween, which was the week this guy I was hopeful for something told me it wasn’t working out and to stay away. This cat brought me so much comfort to me that night. I’ve always felt very connected with cats too. I’ve had my cat since I was six. Also….ok this sound silly and I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this in a long time but when I was a kid at recess I would pretend I was a cheetah. I shit you not my three dream jobs as a kid where, U.S Women’s Soccer player, Zoo veterinarian and Cheetah. I also remember acting out the Lion King in preschool a lot too.
• The second animal that came to me was my old dog Sassy. Which I didn’t expect to happen, to encounter a childhood pet. She was a Kerry Blue Terrier.  Sassy died when I was in kindergarten though, I saw her get hit by a car. I loved her so much and I miss her everyday. It was comforting to see her again, but this time she came to me during mediation.
• The last animal that arrived was this large golden eagle….go figure. But to be honest I was surprised to see this Marahute looking bird land down besides me. I’ve never felt very connected to birds, or so I thought. I woke up in middle hug with this bird to realize I not only have a feather dream catcher above my head on my ceiling, but I have a large feather by my desk I randomly found one day and hung up a week before I found out about my ex cheating on me. Then of course these necklace which I tend to wear as I perform.

Also I was reminded how much wings end up in my poetry. So maybe I have been more connected to birds then I thought I was. I mean my chapbook does end with a poem about this giant bird.

Then after this meditation I stumbled upon another meditation  and books on “finding your twin flame.”

Twin Flame:  A twin flame is quite literally the soul’s other half, which parted before entering the 3rd dimensional experience and human incarnation. Basically it’s another form of a “soul mate” in a way. Plato and the New Testament of the Bible both discuss the idea that we were once whole but then got divided into two. Of course Twin Flame involves a lot more meditation and chakras opening and of course understanding the need to put aside the “ego.” It’s also important to note there was a lot on the whole idea that once you find your “Twin Flame” that means you both are on your last life on Earth, your last reincarnation. I thought what they heck! I’m going to do this sweet ass guided meditation I found and maybe I’ll figure someone stuff out.

Now I’ve done a few guided meditations before, so I’m aware if they are working or not. This one was rather interesting. I was ahead of the steps a little bit, which is a good sign. It Means I was deeply in the meditation and my mind was ahead of where she was guiding me. You meet this man in all white robes, blue eyes, he holds his hand out and you grab a hold of it and in this moment I broke down crying. For a good amount of the meditation I was crying. Then I met my Twin Flame. Well, I lost the image of him. I’m going to do the meditation again to get a better image of him, but it I know it was a man. He was tall and he made me break down even more. I asked him to contact me more, because I need to know he’s there thinking about me. He asked me to be strong, that I needed that. We were asked to give each other a gift, without hesitation I handed my favorite writing journal over and without hesitation he handed me a pen.

It was a rather an extremely emotion experience for me. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I want to go back to that meditation to get a better picture of him, because the feelings were so strong.

Listed below are some of the attributes of a twin flame relationship:

1. You had dreams or visions of this person and/or your energetic relationship before ever meeting in this lifetime.
2. Meeting your partner felt like “coming home” to a familiar, long-lost energy. After meeting, you had “memories” of other times and places with that person that are not part of this life experience so far.
3. Your partner mirrors your own issues, concerns, and imbalances, but you also complement each other’s skill sets, talents, and capacities. You are the ultimate embodiment of yin/yang.
4. At least one partner is of higher frequency, possibly a First Waver, Indigo, and/or Crystal, or is genetically related to one.
5. You may be of different ages, the same or opposite sex, vastly different backgrounds, “opposing” religions or cultures, but you feel an incredible unity or incomparable sense of oneness with your partner.
6. You feel each other’s symptoms, illnesses, and emotions even when you are not near each other or in communication.
7. Your functioning is impaired or much less optimal when you are apart from your twin flame. It physically and mentally hurts when you are not together.
8. When you are with your partner and the relationship is in balance, you become stronger, more powerful, and more capable than you have ever felt. You feel united in a mission or “calling” to serve others and the world.
9. Your unconditional love for your partner is like no other. Your partner is likely to have a certain habit, quality, or “baggage” that would be a deal-breaker for you in any other relationship. However, you overlook it or willingly work through it with this partner– no matter what it takes.
10. You met your partner when one or both of you were in other relationships or otherwise “unavailable.” It’s likely that you met when and where you were least consciously expecting it.
11.  Either you or your partner feared the power of the twin flame connection and ran from the relationship so as not to feel overwhelmed and/or vulnerable. Years may go by before you are both in the “place” to finally commit fully to the relationship.
12. The partner who ran from the twin flame relationship finally “wakes up” and realizes the significance. His or her “a-ha” moment comes as the result of a loss, illness, or other personal catastrophe. He or she then comes to terms with the fact that there is no other person or priority more important than the twin partner.
13. No matter how many times you break up or separate, forces seems to bring you back together. You see the “signs” and reminders of that twin connection everywhere, urging you back together.
14. Your relationship is characterized by extreme highs and lows, including passion and intense pain you’ve most likely never felt before.
15. In efforts to harmonize, justify karma, and balance each other, you “push each other’s buttons” and test each other’s limits like no one else has or ever will. Nevertheless, the extreme highs in the relationship consistently get higher.
16. Friends, family members, and others in your circle can’t relate to the twin flame dramas and always try to get you to move on to someone or something else that seems more logical or better for you “on paper.”
17. The growth you experience, the lessons you learn, and the person you become in the twin flame relationship are more significant, happen more rapidly, and are more powerful than any other experience or period of growth in your life.
18. You realize that your previous soul mates or other relationships prepared you for the twin flame reunion. Your twin flame may even have or embody a number of the unusual characteristics or outstanding attributes of your previous mates and soul friends.
19. You feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life for this person. When you look back at your life, you see illnesses, sabotaged relationships, or other situations that  manifested because you were still waiting and still looking for “the one.”
20. Even if you are extremely tired of 3 dimensional existence here on earth, you heal, evolve, mature, and continue to live– just to stay with your twin flame partner.
21. You are an “old soul” and this is your last human experience.
22. The more that you and your twin partner spend time together, the more rapidly and completely you awaken to higher consciousness.
23. You have a deep knowing that your twin partner is your destiny– not just in this lifetime, but also when you ascend, return “home,” and are reunited for eternity.

I know this must sound so silly to a good chunk of you, but I’m sick of shying away from this spiritual stuff that I love reading about and meditating about. Mediation as gotten me so far and has healed me so much. Even if this stuff is just silly at the end of the day I don’t care because I’m closer to knowing myself then half the population out there.

I do worry if I will meet my Twin Flame in this life. Maybe I will….maybe I won’t. Sometimes I sit here and worry….more I try to make peace with the idea that I’m not going to meet anyone, I’m not going to get married and I’m not going to find the love I’m looking for. I’ve started to make peace with this idea. But I fear I can’t live like that, it psychically hurts my chest when I think like that. But I also feel like everyone meets me and crushes on me then turns and walks out the door but they realize what I have been keeping from myself for years now. I want someone, I’m looking for a relationship, I’m looking for that one love. I need to stop kidding myself. Because it appears every other man [boy] knows this. I need to admit this to myself right now.

“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment.”
–Plato

 

 

Can you feel them?

When I look up into the stars I can feel him, the “him” I believe I’m going to meet.  I feel this too when I lay in fresh-cut grass or walk down the street as the wind hits my hair. This is nothing of the sorts of believing in soul mates. I’m not sure if I even believe in that sort of thing. This is the feeling of someone out there that could be a match for me.

Then there are these moments I feel hopeless. Hopeless that I will ever meet someone. These moments come and go. Sometimes I’m sitting in my favorite coffee shop, sometimes the bookstore, and sometimes I’m at a house show standing, wine in hand, listening to music and the feeling slowly disappears, like my breath does during the coldest nights of the midwestern air.

Lets be real though, when I meet “the one” I’m going to end up with, it’s not going to be romantic. It’s not going to end up being romantic like all the romantic movies we watch.

• I’m not going to run into him and spill my books everywhere (I don’t even carry that many books in my arms to spill).
•  It won’t be at the coffee shop I go to. I won’t reading a book, he won’t come up to me asking for my number, I won’t give him a hard time and he won’t become this persistent guy who asks me everyday for my number because he already knows I’m the one.
• I won’t meet him after having a drunk hook-up with him, that leads to this whir-wind of back and forth liking and not liking each other

These are all situations that happen in movies, but they would never will happen for me. Not only because these are mostly fictional movies situations because everyone is different, how each of us love and treat love is different. Why would any of us end up falling in love the way characters did in a movie.

And if there is any situation that does happen for me, I’m most likely going to meet the one, through a friend, be an old ex, simply me falling over, or running into inanimate objects.

I’m not sure how I will meet him but I do know it wont be easy, there will be fights, will be days were it feels like it’s not going to work out, days we question are choice in love.We all experience these days, but you get through them.

It’s going to be hard but I never said it wasn’t going to be worth it.

Here’s to hoping I fall into the right mans arms one day

Here’s to hoping he is everything I have never dreamed of.

Image of me

I feel as though I’m only a body for most men.

I’m just flesh and hard bones to rub up against late at night.

I really feel like thats all men see me as. I’m someone to have causal sex with. I’m a warm body to fill their empty cold nights. I’m someone they can grace their hand across, get what pleasure they need and have no guilt, no responsibility to treat me like a woman should be treated.

I know I’m not all innocent, I know sometimes I wear a big old fat sign that reads, “I love sex!” Men get the idea from this blog, from speaking to me that I’m promiscuous and want to sleep with anything that moves.

This is a mistake.

I don’t want causal sex. I want to be with someone.

But then when I say this out loud, when I write that line out, the proclamation that I want a boyfriend, I want someone to be apart of my life , I  then see all the men run the other way. Its like I can’t win either way.

So I sit here working on my blog, writing my poetry, and this is always in the back of my mind.

I know most men only see me as a warm body.

How do I change this without changing apart of myself?

Because shit, I’m not going to stop be comfortable about my sexuality. I love sex, I love talking about it and making jokes about it and on top of that I’m very comfortable with my body. So thats not going to change anytime soon.

I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like a warm body. Actually I do. The guy I saw right after my major crazy ass break up this August. I didn’t feel like a body with “Peeta.” But everyone after that, I felt like a warm body and I was only good for one thing.

I think I’m getting washed out, I’m blurring to men. I don’t think they see me. I”m so quiet most the time and no one really tries to get and know me. I think I come off as stand offish sometimes. I’m just really shy.

I’ve been thinking about this scene:

The male character Gerry goes on about how the moment he fell in love with Holly and how he will always remember the first time they met.

Every time I’m walking down the street, drinking my tea at the coffee shop, having a beer at a local bar I wonder if this will be the day someone walks in, sees me, and like Gerry will always remember the moment he fell in love with me and knew in that moment of falling in love that he wanted to be with me forever.

This is what I’m waiting for. I guess I’m waiting for it. I don’t know. The more I wait for a moment like that, the more I get this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that it’s not gonna happen anytime soon.

It’s feelings like those that makes me feel like I’m not going to find love again for a long time. I think maybe its I’m such an out their kind of person, and I fall hard for people and I’m very open about my feelings and who I am. Maybe i’m wrong, maybe it has nothing to do with any of that.

Maybe I have no idea why.

I have no idea why I feel so lost in love right now.

I thought I had all that shit figured out a long time ago and then two summers ago, I thought I figured the rest out for sure.

But here I am, not really sure what to do.

Do I give myself to men, give my body up as causal or do I wait for someone to come along who sees me?

I don’t even know if I see me.

Plus this post, along with all my other posts don’t help my case. I know I must come off desperate, sad, lonely, sex crazed and also looking for a boyfriend. It’s all packaged up in one fucking crazy ass little box with a big ugly purple bow around it.

But ugh, I know, I know, if I want things to change, I have to be the change I want to see in the…blah blah blah, I get it. I’ll get up off my lazy ass and do something about it.

I get it life! I get it dating universe. I’ll shave my damn legs, brush my hair, put make-up on and go have a drink. Shit, I get it.