I am eating up the very words from my last post and not quite sure if they are sitting well in my stomach anymore. After some recent information I’ve received from someone who I ended up liking that I never thought liked me or I would ever would like in the terms of a crush. I am now stuck in a dilemma. That has rendered me frustrated, a bit disappointed in myself and now stuck.
Having a crush on someone is never easy. Having a crush on someone after my boyfriend of four years cheats on me for five months, having a crush on someone after going through five other guys. Some just understood hook ups, some that broke my stitched up heart that basically strung me along the ride they wanted until they got what they wanted, having a crush on someone after having more than three drunken break down crying episodes with my best friend Valerie.
The least I can say is, “it’s hard for me right now.”
As a woman it’s hard to trust any guy, weather in the terms of him as a boyfriend, a crush, a fuck buddy or just a friend. I am struggling to trust guys again. I don’t know how to make this turn around myself. I don’t know where I need to cut the line.
At least I love myself. I’m happy in my career choices and I love my art form to pieces and would never trade any of the feelings that grow inside of me as I write poetry. When I write, when I am in workshop and when I sit in the coffee-house; that’s the woman I am growing into.My God she is going to be a beautiful, strong, gifted woman. I can see this in myself and I cannot wait to fully grow into this woman.
I guess the rest of me is now trying to work on the “dating.”
Being told by a crush that they backed away from you because you slept with their friend sucks. It sucks like if I had watched the Harry Potter movies and never picked up the books. It sucks like going to your regular coffee-house, where you order the same tea every single time (Green Raspberry tea with Honey) and this time you order something different (for shits and giggles) then it your like, I rather have my old tea again, “What was I thinking.”
I let my past get in the way of enjoying something. I got worried they would leave me (even in a causal situation) I left first. I cannot believe I did the thing I was fearing I would end up doing. I’m trying to beat guys to leaving me. Am I surprise?
This morning I got Subway, then I bought “It’s been a day and the day is not even close to being over” wine.
This morning I made a decision. I told this one guy I like him and I’m willing try something “anything” with him. I am willing to stop hooking up, which in honestly I haven’t done since the neighbor. But in honesty this is who I really am at the end of the day. My deepest desire is to have a monogamous relationship with someone. This of course is not how I’ve been living my life this past year and I think this small portion of my poem shows how I feel about my body. Marachute, the Haast Eagle
Today I also told the one guy I hooked up with that it’s not going to happen again. Regardless on how this other guy feels about me. This was something I needed to do. I like this other guy and I don’t want to hurt him.
If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out and searching through my heart and soul right now I’m ok with that. I had moved a week ago and never thought in my wildest dreams this would be happening and I would sitting here writing this all out. I never thought my Saturday night would end with my cutting off hook ups.
I fucked up. I regret it. I’m kicking myself in the ass.
Sometimes I forget other people have insecurities too. I forget people maybe do care about me and my actions do affect them.
My only hope is that maybe they can move on from the weirdness. Because yes I have insecurities too, I have suit cases filled with broken hearts, sexual adventures and lost puzzle pieces. I may have been cheated on, I may have been used and I may hurt but these things will not stop me from who I like and I am willing to trust and unpack my suit cases. I just I have to remember when you go to unpack your baggage not everyone is going to like your past fashion choices.
These are the moments I feel slutty.