Category Archives: Hope

Limbo In the Midwest

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I’m restless at the moment. With one paper, journals and one more exam between me and undergrad graduation. My parents will be in town shortly and then I’ll be road-tripping. All sound fun and all are stressing me out.

I’m looking into two manuscript submissions and I’m not sure what to turn into who. Which is stressful. Maybe I’ll get this last paper done tonight so I can put together two chapbooks I would be happy to send out.

I hate and love moving. I hate taking down my good feeling energy. I can already feel it. But I love the idea of change and moving onto a new life. Especially since I’ve lived in this same house for two years now. It’s time to move onto new things (I’m not going to say adventures because…stupid) So the idea of fresh places, a change of scenery sounds wonderful but I hate cleaning, packing, cleaning, hot weather and the never-ending of packing boxes and trying to lift heavy boxes. Which just turns into my ass in the air, loud sounds, cussing and getting no where. (Like bad sex)

Road trip should be fun. I just can’t wait to get over the planning and packing for that as well. Especially because I’m doing most of it. Everyone is so busy it’s hard to meet up with them to work out things and if I don’t get it done…it won’t get done.

So here I am.

But I’m excited because I’ll be in my favorite National Park for my birthday!

Zion!! AHHHHH

But I’m ready. Ready to get home and start making my next move.

I can only take two more weeks of limbo before I say, “fuck this!”

 

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Filed under Friends, good energy, Home, Hope, House, My house, stressed out, venting

Doubtful

I’m in one of those moods.

Feeling forever doubtful about poetry and my work.

I’m gradating soon and I have seen so many of my fellow talented writers leave college and to never write again.

I don’t want that to happen to my poems.

But is this a real thing? Many moments throughout my day consist of the thought, am I really good at this whole poetry writing stuff or is everyone just being really nice to me? Because who would say, “Well Sally maybe you should try something else.” This is all I got, I love it, I live for it, it’s what makes me feel better and I am the most happy writing and performing. But how will I make money? How will I get into a great MFA (Full time or low residency)

I want to be the best, but this just never seems to be in the cards for me, well I suppose I just need to dig really deep.

I’m just been so down on myself this week and my work. Maybe it’s the period, maybe the terrible back pain that makes me sleepy and in exhausted. MaybeI’m just facing some hard facts.

I don’t know what else to do but keep writing and performing.

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Filed under Help, Hope, Life, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, venting, WTF?

Stress

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Stress has become a huge player in my everyday life. My mother has always been a very stressed out person and I’m sure I’ve developed some of that stress from growing up around her.

Along with this stress is the terrible pain of my back and neck that has been playing out and its terrible. The amount of medicine I have taken and icy hot on my back has become never-ending and almost placing no effect on making me feel better. My back and neck pain makes everything exhausting and painful. It’s really slowed me down the past few weeks and I’m struggling to keep up.

Friends have become stressful. I love them to pieces but keeping up with everyone’s needs has killed me and stressed me out.

Poetry is always stressful, but I suppose of all the stresses I’m happy and try not to complain about the stresses of writing. More I’m sad my time with my professors is almost over. Of course I have moments of clarity, moments of immense doubt in myself and moments I just want a glass of wine.

But I’m worried because I feel like I’m close to a breaking point, like I’m going to just start crying and freak out. (Great Crazy Sally) I’m trying to prevent this from happening but I’m worried.

Dating stresses me out, more upset at the past, memories I’m ashamed of and the idea that I may never find someone I want to be with. There are plenty that would want to spend their time with me and I’m grateful and flattered but I’m not sure I want any of them. And the more i watch friends find someone and have someone and then the ideas of family members will die, my parents one day will be gone and it will be just me. It really puts everything into perspective the whole meaning behind lovely yourself, because everyday it really is just you. Yes you have friends, family, co-workers and peers but (ok this sounds morbid) but they’re going to die (you’re going to die) or you’ll lose touch with people, realize you no longer work. So its morbid weird thing I’ve been thinking about. Really understanding what loving yourself means.

I think this is where loneliness comes from.

When you have no one. I think this is why many pair off into mates, because it’s no fun feeling lonely and there’s the added plus of kids and passing on a bit of yourself.

Each night I fall asleep and whisper, “I am in love with myself.”

Each day I become more unsure if I ever will find someone who will match up with me, or if I will ever want to match up with someone. For all I know I do with so many but have turned them away because of this gut sick feeling I have towards dating right now. I almost feel sick and don’t want anymore to touch me. To be honest I’m a bit worried what this all means. I hope some of it comes from strength.

I’m pushing the hot showers, the chocolate, watching TV shows, getting more normal sleep than I normally get, like for example its 1:30am and after I post this I’m going to pass out and wake up at 9am. Normally I don’t fall asleep until 3am. I think the sleep and candy is keeping the break down at bay. I’m worried the neck pain is going to push the break down out in the open.

Just need to continue the deep breathing and wine.

And food…lots of food.

Also masturbating here and there. Like I shit you not I was in the middle of writing a paper, got horny, masturbated and then went back to writing.

This is my Life.

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Filed under Back and Neck Pain, Confessions, Dating, Death, Drinking, Family, FML, FOOD, Friends, Help, Hope, Life, Love, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, WTF?

It’s Wednesday Night and I just did a shot of tequila

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Last night and tonight I have been celebrating getting published a second time (two poems) as well as winning American Poets prize at my college. So lots of drinks and one step closer to being done with my undergrad.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do after graduation. Sure I’ll be working back at my old high school as a speech coach. But damn I’m dying for the idea of MFA. Then I’m worried and nervous about the idea because everyone makes the idea so insane and difficult. I’m not sure if I’m meant for it. But deep down I’m craving for the idea of it.

We shall see.

Dating is well non-exist and I like it to be that.

This one younger guy in town likes me and has been speaking to me but he’s all over the place. Drinks a lot, doesn’t have friends, play video games and plays these weird ass games. He’s a mature person in moments and then a young immature child a lot of the time. I was thinking about having a quick roll in the hay but the more I think about it the more I’m like ehh. For example he likes to pull this stunt of, “well I won’t contact you until you talk to me first.”

And I’m like are we in middle school again? Plus I think its insulting to me as a person to feel the need to play games with me. Also he needs to learn to groom his beard too.

At this point these little things are just not ok anymore and I want more. I deserve more than games, pride and lack of maturity.

Each night as I’m falling in sleep I whisper in between the eyes no longer staying open and the breathing settling down I say aloud, “I’m falling in love with myself.”

I don’t want anymore and I’m very content. But I know this will not make a few people very happy that I feel this way but those who don’t understand are men I shouldn’t be with.

I’m so restless at the moment. I need to stretch, shake off the molting and expand my wings.

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Filed under about me, Dating, Dreams, Drinking, Hope, Life, my writing, poetry, school

Saturday Night

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This last Saturday was my 30th performance reading my poetry. Not only was this my 30th show but March was the month my writing came to life and was the month I performed my work for the first time ever a year ago.

I couldn’t have asked for a better performance on Saturday night. It was wonderful, I felt wonderful, the room was amazing and its finally hit me. All these dreams I’ve been having really finally hit me and tonight sitting in my room I really do feel like a different person and all the things I want to write about, all the things I want to fight for now. Everything is just rushing at me so quickly and I’m so in love with these feelings and this beautiful woman.

I am so excited to this woman that’s been slowly creeping out of my skin. ( I know that sounds rather weird) These past few months have been so painful and I’ve cried so much.

But gosh this woman that’s been making appearances this last few days, I’m so happy and so excited to feel more of this energy and how much my spirit is filling so hungry and so fulfilled.

Can’t wait for what else of myself is ready to make it’s self known.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, good energy, Hope, Life, my writing, poetry, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe

Egg Shells

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I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.

*Breaking out of my shell*

That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling  irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.

To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”

I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?

God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.

There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.

Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.

And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a  strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.

I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.

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Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Dreams

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Last week was ROUGH. I had a really hard week. From poetry, friends and men.

But this last week I finally spoke up in my life.

I’ve always been a quite person, the silent observer you learned about in interpersonal class on working groups. I was a shy little kid and thanks to speech and debate, poetry and a few friends most people don’t believe me at all that I’m shy.

Yet I have barely spoken up when it comes to serious conversations in my life. I’ve always felt I could never articulate myself, especially after years of special education I’ve never treated my thoughts or my voice as something of intellectual significance. So I’ve remained rather silent. Until I found poetry, a place to write out all my thoughts out. Because I had time to think my ideas and thoughts over and put them down in a way for people to hear my voice. Which is funny because that’s what everyone really loved about my poetry, that you could hear this voice.

And thanks to writing poetry for a year now I notice I’m speaking up more and more in my life. But it’s really hard and very exhausting as well.

I was tested this week, not only with speaking up but with how much I love poetry.

I had a dream Saturday night, where there was a shit ton of cracking egg shells and some broken ones as well.

Decided to look it up because I was really worried what it could mean I’m going through mentally

Dream dictionary: To see cracked or broken eggs in your dream represent feelings of vulnerability or a fragile state in your life. Consider the phrase, walking on eggshells. Alternatively, you may be breaking out of your shell and being comfortable with who you are.

I thought that was pretty cool. I think it’s rather interesting how much dreams line up with your reality.

So here we go…more breaking out of my shell and a fragile state in my life.

Here’s to some big changes.

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Filed under Beautiful, Dreams, Hope, Struggles, universe