Tag Archives: talking

In a pickle (FML)

I’m stuck between a rock and fucking problem. I’m still not exactly sure if I know the whole story, or maybe I’m just lying to myself. No I’m sure I don’t know the whole story. Just the fragments, the pieces of what must be a much bigger and more complicated story/issue.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. Really nice, sweet guy, the conversations are easy and he’s a lot of what I’ve been looking for. And those negative qualities I’ve seen so far I’m willing to put up with. Now a week after meeting him, he told me he was “seeing someone.” Now problem number one “seeing one” can mean a bunch of different stuff for different people. Which really sucks because I’m pretty sure after Wednesday night over hearing the word “girlfriend” flying out his kind of tipsy mouth that there is more going on. Which prompted a very long drunk conversation outside, that I kind of remember and I kind of remember talking about poetry…goddamit Sally! Really? Of course drunk Sally starts talking about poetry and my ex’s and when I was cheated on, of course!

I’m so confused at the moment. Because this guy he not acting like I would assume he would. After large amounts of assholes and my fair share of watching my ex cheat I’m confused. Because I’ve met a huge chunk of his very good friends, we are friends on Facebook and well after Wednesday night he called to say sorry and talk to me. Maybe I’m just acting very stupid and very naive.

But this guy could just take off, get out of here, never talk to me again. Like every other guy has done to me. But he hasn’t and maybe he will eventually. But my gut tells me he’s a sincere guy, who does like me a lot. Maybe more than he should.

But I could never be the other woman. Never.

So I will talk to him soon. I will ask him whats going on and I will him what I kind of remember telling Wednesday night when we both were drunk. I will tell him what I have been too nervous to tell most guys. I want more than the hook-up, more than a back up and deserve more than that. I always have deserve more. And I don’t want to ever hurt another woman’s heart so I can have happiness.

I’m very sad and very heart-broken over this, because I know exactly how this is going to play out. He will say sorry, he will feel like shit and he go back to the life he was living. Because there is nothing romantic about leaving someone else for another.

It’s funny because I wonder if this so suppose to happen, I mean something like this situation was bound to happen. People being a part of monogamous relationships at my age seems less and less.

Last month I was thinking a lot about what happened with me. Last night I also told Valerie I don’t think I’m mad at the other woman anymore. To be honest I think I would have gotten over it/her a lot faster if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew her very well and that Thrilla took my car and well how I found out about it.

It was weird to be in these shoes. Different and I told Valerie I’m sad that Thrilla handle things the way they did. Because you know I do think they really loved each other and really were happy together. I wish he would have just broken things off right when things started to become than friends. I’m a bit sad for them in that sense. If only they would have handled it better.

I think they would be together… maybe be happy. And I would be much happier too and without some baggage. I suppose these are the lessons I needed to learn though and has fueled a lot of my soul. Without being cheated on i don’t think I would have ever moved on from Thrilla and I don’t know if I would have ever found poetry.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it.

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Filed under Being a woman, Causal, Confessions, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, FML, Life, my writing, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

Facebook Conversations with “The Other Woman”

My roommate Valerie leans over to me and says, “Do you mind if I start talking to her again?” “Her” is the other woman who was involved with my Ex for five months. Valerie and her were best friends all throughout college, they have had a touch and go relationship since the cheating and sense Valerie found out more. I told her I don’t mind, but I did tell her the changes of me ever being ok with seeing her or chatting are gone. There was at one point I was trying but with the way things have ended with me and Thrilla and the fact that they still have been lying about a few key points, even a year after! I’m just done.

But as I was laying in bed, I remembered the Facebook messages I sent her and I thought to myself, “I wonder if I kept them or not.” Sure enough down deep into my message they were still there. So since I can’t sleep I decided it was time to post the small exchange I had with “the other woman.” It’s now 5am, lets do this.

Conversations started August 17, 2012

8/17/12 7:07pm

Hey,

This is Sally and I believe we have meet a few times. I’m good friends with Valerie. So look, it’s come to my understanding that you and Thrilla may have been getting very close over the course of the summer. Especially ever sense Valerie party.

And look it’s fine, date, do what you two want to do. I’m not sending you this email to cuss you out or tell you not to date him, I’m sending this because you know, maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s not you, and maybe Thrilla has told you a different story about our four year relationship. Maybe you didn’t even know Thrilla and I were dating till as of now.

But I’m emailing you, because I just want the honest truth. Especially sense you know me, you have seen me around, you hosted the poetry event, you said hi to me and hugged me.

And from the notes, roommates and other various red flags its led me to believe you and Thrilla are more then friends. I just want to move on. I want the honest truth and to know if anything did happen. Because honestly I do believe he had been seeing you over the summer in some form of dating and I do consider that cheating and I am very hurt and very shocked that anyone would be ok with knowing someone else was getting badly hurt within the process of all this.

As a women, it hurts to think that you did know about me and you were ok with it all. Because it is situations like this that many women fight against. I feel as though you would be someones very against this very situation. Please I only want the honest truth so I can let go and move on.

If you are truly uninvolved and unaware of all this, then I’m truly sorry for sending this email out to you. I hope you can see and understand why I’m sending you this.

I want closer because honest and I have gotten none and I have been left very hurt and shocked by my break up with Thrilla, who is not only been my boyfriend but my best friend at one time.  I have been very hurt in this relationship and I have just become numb to this whole issue.

Thank you,

Sally

_______________________________________________________

I’m not sure what events lead up to the second email because I found out a few interesting things through Tina and through Valerie. Before Thrilla fully admitted everything I spoke to her through this second and last email I ever sent her.

8/18/13 18th 2012 3:11pm

Ok, also I should let you know I do know some stuff/found things. And I figure if I’m asking you to be honest with me then I will be honest with you.

I found a lace white silk undershirt in Thrilla room, and a note that said, “keepsake to remember what I wore that night.”

I found journal notes by him that didn’t say a name but was to someone. It said you left today and I Miss you and love you and some other stuff about wanting to do things to the person and not having them around. This date this women left was not the day I left for California.

I found a note that had text messages on it that was very sexual and lots of very sexual poems about doing things to a women. They were very sexual.

Also I know you and Thrilla were flirting at party Valerie’s when I came over to the kitchen it was very awkward when we walked in.

I also know Valerie doesn’t know a thing , which leads me to believe both of you knew this was wrong and what you both were doing was not ok on any level no matter the reason or logical thinking or heart-felt feelings you two may have for each other.

Also his roommates told me that a few times Thrilla took MY car and drove off somewhere they didn’t know where, and one time he left and didn’t get back till the next day. I would really hate to think that Thrilla, who at the time didn’t have a driver’s license drove to meet up with you and drove you around.

I know you came over to Thrillas house this summer and met his roommates, who by the way are my best friends and they told me you guys went up into his room.

I also found a list, with your name on it and my and many other girls he’s dated/wanted to or maybe is flirting with idk….and we had numbers to go with our names and he wrote down negatives and positives for each of us. And your name was definitely on the list.

I know Thrilla sent you some literature I do not appreciate that because that is from my job thats my high schools literature, not yours or his or mine for that matter. That is very unethical of both of you.

I have seen more than my share of emails between you and Thrilla and they made me really uncomfortable and I’m not stupid I can tell when I guy and girl are flirting with each other and developing a bond together.

I can’t write out off the top of my head all the emails and Facebook messages but I’ve seen a lot….more then Thrilla even knows. I also checked his history on his computer and saw he had spoken to you numerous times, but deleted the messages. I also had asked him not to speak to you  during him and I dating because I felt comfortable and I know he still was messaging you.

I know this is a lot but I felt like I should tell you what I know, but I guess he seems to really love you and I guess you to are a lot closer than I had thought. To be honest it hurts to see these journal entries about how much love he has and what not.

Also from the past messages I’ve seen you and Jenkins both seem to enjoy poetry, so I thought you would like this poem and Thrilla would too.

_______________________________________________________

8/18/13 (The other woman)

Hi Sally,

I understand your reaching out to me and that you want the truth about what’s been going on. But after that second message, it seems like you really already know what’s been going on.

I don’t know what you want me to say from that list of things you sent me. We have been talking online, texting, through Facebook, etc. I don’t know anything about the journal entries/lists. I did not know that car was yours or that he did not have a driver’s license until later, but he did drive up to see me one time. The lace cami is mine. As for the lit you mention, I don’t know about that either.

That night at the party is where this all started. That night, I did not know you were still with Jenkins, but I knew about your relationship after that. We started talking that night and have been throughout the summer.

When you said you’re hurt that I did know about you, had met you, and was ok with it anyway, you’re right. I don’t think I would have done it or allowed it to continue as long as it had had I not been dealing with my own issues at the time, which was my break up with my own boyfriend of 3 years. At the time, I did not care much about anything or anyone. I’m not saying it’s an excuse for what I’ve done, only maybe help you understand a little why I did it, at least at the beginning. By the time I had a grip on myself and realized what I was really doing, we had been already been talking for a few weeks.

We would talk online, text, and sometimes go on walks. We also went to salsa dancing and to a poetry slam, maybe you’ve heard about that. When I graduated and left Bradley we continued talking, much of which you’ve seen I guess.

When I came down and visited Peoria, I did meet his roommates and go up in his room. I also stayed for a night at his house. Up till then we had just been talking, but that night we did kiss and fool around a little. Nothing went on below the waist, but neither of us felt good about it, so we stopped and haven’t done anything since then.

Our actions were not intended to hurt anyone, but they did and I’m very sorry about that. I don’t think either of us expected it to turn out like this, for this to go on for as a long/far as it has.

I’m sure it sounds hollow coming from me, but I am truly sorry for all of this and the hurt it has caused you. I hope this gives you the closure you were looking for and I appreciate your honesty with me. Thanks for the poem, I will keep it in mind.

_______________________________________________________

I will later find out that yes they did have sex and then year later I found out she went to California with him that summer, the point in the summer where I had just flown back to Peoria. He introduced her to his family, she stayed as their guest, she baked cookies, she became family.

 And the fact that she brings up her struggle with her break-up. I am sorry but I don’t feel bad at all and would have preferred her not to mention it, because when you state something and it’s follows, “I’m not saying it’s an excuse for what I’ve done” No that’s your excuse, you’re trying to sugar coat, but adding sprinkles to a piece of crap is just a piece of crap with some nasty sprinkles on it now.

 It was only a week after all this that she showed up in town to stay the night with him. It took me a year to realize neither of you were innocent and knew exactly what you were doing. You were both excited with the fact of seeing each other as I was still there. For all I know the moments I was on the phone with him, you were sitting beside him. I should have never blamed myself but I have been fighting myself for a year now and that is done and over with. I had nothing to do with any hers or his weakness, their lack of empathy for another human being.

I hope posting this will allow some form of healing for me and to be honest I think it will in some way heal me a bit more.

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Filed under Being a woman, Ex-boyfriends, thoughts, universe, Words

Fallin’ into his arms (literally)

A month ago this past Saturday a lot happened within one weekend, experiences and events that have altered my everyday routine and have shifted my life is the most positive of ways.

     First, on a sad note, my good friends grandfather passed way within this weekend. He was a very wonderful man and a gift to this world. He also reminded me a lot of my grandfather, he spoke his mind like him, was kind like him and was very well loved like him. It’s very sad to watch someone pass on and to watch their love ones learn to live without them physically being around but regardless of what religion you believe in, you just gonna hope their in a better place and wonderful people like that, you feel and know they are really in a wonderful place.

     Second, my best friend Valerie and my other best friend Cassidy who happens to be her girlfriend had broke up on this Saturday. Now they are back together again, after figuring out what needed to change and I do love them together and only wish for the best. But this break-up really shifted the night I thought I was going to have.

The Saturday Night Story

     Saturday afternoon Valerie broke with Cassidy, who happens to be another one of my close friends. This would shift the whole night for me. You see Valerie would come over to my place that afternoon and stay there for the whole weekend. Valerie was also planning on going out with Tina and I that night but because of her break-up she opted out of the night of drinking and dancing. And looking back on that night, I think that if Valerie had gone I wouldn’t have ended up dancing with “him.” Like I just said, Valerie didn’t go out that night with us but we met up with Tina’s co-workers at this bar in downtown. We drank, a lot, danced a lot. Tina and I that night came up with giving each other thumbs up and thumbs down when a guy tried to dance with us and we would tell each other if we thought they were cute. Quite a few thumbs down were playing out through the night. At one point Tina’s friend Nessie was trying to set her up with this very cute guy who we will call Ester; and then thats when “he” walked on the dance floor, as of now I can’t think of the name to call him on my blog so for now we will call him, “The one I fell for.” Any ways he was walking out to the dance floor, I don’t remember much, Tina told me he seemed to want to dance with me but I thought he was passing through so I moved out of his way. I danced next to Tina, she grabbed me and said, “What are you doing, that guy wanted to dance with you. I said, “Oh my god, really? Is he cute?” “Yes, he is,” Tina yelled back.

    In that moment the universe took hold, or maybe Tina took hold of me and pushed me into him. She really pushed me, like so hard he had to catch me before I fell. Then we started dancing, then dancing led to making out, a lot of dancing and then a lot of stopping dancing and making out on the dance floor. Then the making out lead to him asking me back to his place. This lead to me saying, “Yes.” After going up to the bar for one more quick drink, learning his name thanks to the help of his friends near by and also thanks to reading his name on his debit card he pulled out to paid for the drinks. After a vegas bomb, we took a cab to his place and  went up to his bedroom, laid out on his bed and started making out. Thats when I had to tell him, tell him, “I’m on my period.” Shit! We laughed a bit, made out some more, and started talking, him telling me his life story really. Me, telling him my life story. Him going crazy happy with the fact I was from California, that I loved AC/DC too and that I had done sports. We talked for hours, made out for hours. Him, telling me over and over again how beautiful I was, how gorgeous I was, how sexy, how beautiful my blue eyes are. Words, things I never heard enough of with my other ex’s. Words I always wanted to hear from a man. And after this night, after being pushed into him, we have been “seeing” each other since. We basically have sex everyday, twice a day. We talk constantly, he had met my friends, my friends love him, I’ve met his friends, they are amazing. He is amazing, he is what I have been looking for. I’m not sure where this will end up, but I’m trying not think about that, i’m just enjoying him, enjoying his smell, his wonderful smile and his sweet words.

Last night he said to me, “I am so happy Tina pushed you into me.”

I’m happy too.

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Filed under Dating, Life, universe