Category Archives: Cats

Rosie

There is no easy way or time to find out the loss of a childhood pet. Last night my parents called and my dad told me they had taken Rosie down to the vet and put her to sleep. She wasn’t eating anymore and basically starving herself. She was 21 years old and was a best friend to me.

Two years ago we our dog (Rascal) was also put down. Rosie was the last of my childhood pets still alive. She has been around almost all of my life and I grew up having her around. When my dog Sassy died, this beautiful Kerry Blue Terrier that I sadly witness get hit by a car I will never forget that night. I was very young and sitting in the hall way with my mom. I was worried Sassy wasn’t going to come home and my mom looked at me and said, “Well, you still have your kitty.”

Rosie has always been there for me. Through nights crying about struggles in school to adolescent break ups Rosie was there. I will never forget one night I was crying and she jumped up on the bed and sat next to me and licked me. She and I were really connected. I guess sharing a bedroom together can do that to you.

And this is the thing, I’m really sad and I’m trying really hard to not cry right now as I write this in my favorite coffee shop and I may be really sad but I’m also really happy because I have so many wonderful memories of my kitty cat. We had a blast together and I think I’m so compassionate and such a big animal lover because of my childhood animals so I couldn’t ask for anything more of them.

It’s hard living so far away from home. I miss home so much right now but I don’t if I could have handle being there. I wonder if they put her down on Thursday or Friday last week because I just had the worst energy feeling then and cried for one reason. I wonder if the heart and soul can feel a friend pass away…

Goodbye best friend. I’m not going to say rest in peace, because well first you were a pampered little diva of a cat and got plenty of rest and second I know that were ever you are now you are happy and you are safe.

Love you Rosie.

I will always miss you and you will always be in my heart.

I’m so thankful you were part of my life, especially growing up.

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Filed under Beautiful, Cats, Family, Feeling Lost, Friends, Home, Life, My kitty cat, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Meditations: Animal Spirit Totems and Twin Flame

 

 

 

Its pretty obvious I’ve been struggling with relationships on different platforms these last few weeks. I’ve been left feeling rather heart-broken and very disappointed in men [boys] who have left me with empty promises. A cycle of getting over the idea of something exciting happening and the promise that one of these mornings I will wake up to someone holding me.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt someone.

Today I decided it was time to figure out my Animal totems. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a few years now and I after speaking to a friend on Tuesday evening I felt it was about time I did something about it. After reading a lot and meditating where I ended up passing out for 45 minutes I realized how silly I was to not have known my animal totems. I read a lot of article and books today that spoke about how your animal totems tend to be animals that are recurring throughout your daily life, they pop up everywhere and you have always been interested in them. During my meditation as I was laying on a sandy beach I discovered three:

  • A cat, orange and white appeared to me. Which is freaky because the past few weeks I have been seeing this cat named copper when I go over to visit my friend Alicia We think he must belong to someone in the neighborhood. Copper [the name we gave him] first appeared on Halloween, which was the week this guy I was hopeful for something told me it wasn’t working out and to stay away. This cat brought me so much comfort to me that night. I’ve always felt very connected with cats too. I’ve had my cat since I was six. Also….ok this sound silly and I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this in a long time but when I was a kid at recess I would pretend I was a cheetah. I shit you not my three dream jobs as a kid where, U.S Women’s Soccer player, Zoo veterinarian and Cheetah. I also remember acting out the Lion King in preschool a lot too.
  • The second animal that came to me was my old dog Sassy. Which I didn’t expect to happen, to encounter a childhood pet. She was a Kerry Blue Terrier.  Sassy died when I was in kindergarten though, I saw her get hit by a car. I loved her so much and I miss her everyday. It was comforting to see her again, but this time she came to me during mediation.
  • The last animal that arrived was this large golden eagle….go figure. But to be honest I was surprised to see this Marahute looking bird land down besides me. I’ve never felt very connected to birds, or so I thought. I woke up in middle hug with this bird to realize I not only have a feather dream catcher above my head on my ceiling, but I have a large feather by my desk I randomly found one day and hung up a week before I found out about my ex cheating on me. Then of course these necklace which I tend to wear as I perform.

I am bird

Also I was reminded how much wings end up in my poetry. So maybe I have been more connected to birds then I thought I was. I mean my chapbook does end with a poem about this giant bird.

Then after this meditation I stumbled upon another meditation  and books on “finding your twin flame.”

Twin Flame:  A twin flame is quite literally the soul’s other half, which parted before entering the 3rd dimensional experience and human incarnation. Basically it’s another form of a “soul mate” in a way. Plato and the New Testament of the Bible both discuss the idea that we were once whole but then got divided into two. Of course Twin Flame involves a lot more meditation and chakras opening and of course understanding the need to put aside the “ego.” It’s also important to note there was a lot on the whole idea that once you find your “Twin Flame” that means you both are on your last life on Earth, your last reincarnation. I thought what they heck! I’m going to do this sweet ass guided meditation I found and maybe I’ll figure someone stuff out.

Now I’ve done a few guided meditations before, so I’m aware if they are working or not. This one was rather interesting. I was ahead of the steps a little bit, which is a good sign. It Means I was deeply in the meditation and my mind was ahead of where she was guiding me. You meet this man in all white robes, blue eyes, he holds his hand out and you grab a hold of it and in this moment I broke down crying. For a good amount of the meditation I was crying. Then I met my Twin Flame. Well, I lost the image of him. I’m going to do the meditation again to get a better image of him, but it I know it was a man. He was tall and he made me break down even more. I asked him to contact me more, because I need to know he’s there thinking about me. He asked me to be strong, that I needed that. We were asked to give each other a gift, without hesitation I handed my favorite writing journal over and without hesitation he handed me a pen.

It was a rather an extremely emotion experience for me. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I want to go back to that meditation to get a better picture of him, because the feelings were so strong.

Listed below are some of the attributes of a twin flame relationship:

  1. You had dreams or visions of this person and/or your energetic relationship before ever meeting in this lifetime.
  2. Meeting your partner felt like “coming home” to a familiar, long-lost energy. After meeting, you had “memories” of other times and places with that person that are not part of this life experience so far.
  3. Your partner mirrors your own issues, concerns, and imbalances, but you also complement each other’s skill sets, talents, and capacities. You are the ultimate embodiment of yin/yang.
  4. At least one partner is of higher frequency, possibly a First Waver, Indigo, and/or Crystal, or is genetically related to one.
  5. You may be of different ages, the same or opposite sex, vastly different backgrounds, “opposing” religions or cultures, but you feel an incredible unity or incomparable sense of oneness with your partner.
  6. You feel each other’s symptoms, illnesses, and emotions even when you are not near each other or in communication.
  7. Your functioning is impaired or much less optimal when you are apart from your twin flame. It physically and mentally hurts when you are not together.
  8. When you are with your partner and the relationship is in balance, you become stronger, more powerful, and more capable than you have ever felt. You feel united in a mission or “calling” to serve others and the world.
  9. Your unconditional love for your partner is like no other. Your partner is likely to have a certain habit, quality, or “baggage” that would be a deal-breaker for you in any other relationship. However, you overlook it or willingly work through it with this partner– no matter what it takes.
  10. You met your partner when one or both of you were in other relationships or otherwise “unavailable.” It’s likely that you met when and where you were least consciously expecting it.
  11.  Either you or your partner feared the power of the twin flame connection and ran from the relationship so as not to feel overwhelmed and/or vulnerable. Years may go by before you are both in the “place” to finally commit fully to the relationship.
  12. The partner who ran from the twin flame relationship finally “wakes up” and realizes the significance. His or her “a-ha” moment comes as the result of a loss, illness, or other personal catastrophe. He or she then comes to terms with the fact that there is no other person or priority more important than the twin partner.
  13. No matter how many times you break up or separate, forces seems to bring you back together. You see the “signs” and reminders of that twin connection everywhere, urging you back together.
  14. Your relationship is characterized by extreme highs and lows, including passion and intense pain you’ve most likely never felt before.
  15. In efforts to harmonize, justify karma, and balance each other, you “push each other’s buttons” and test each other’s limits like no one else has or ever will. Nevertheless, the extreme highs in the relationship consistently get higher.
  16. Friends, family members, and others in your circle can’t relate to the twin flame dramas and always try to get you to move on to someone or something else that seems more logical or better for you “on paper.”
  17. The growth you experience, the lessons you learn, and the person you become in the twin flame relationship are more significant, happen more rapidly, and are more powerful than any other experience or period of growth in your life.
  18. You realize that your previous soul mates or other relationships prepared you for the twin flame reunion. Your twin flame may even have or embody a number of the unusual characteristics or outstanding attributes of your previous mates and soul friends.
  19. You feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life for this person. When you look back at your life, you see illnesses, sabotaged relationships, or other situations that  manifested because you were still waiting and still looking for “the one.”
  20. Even if you are extremely tired of 3 dimensional existence here on earth, you heal, evolve, mature, and continue to live– just to stay with your twin flame partner.
  21. You are an “old soul” and this is your last human experience.
  22. The more that you and your twin partner spend time together, the more rapidly and completely you awaken to higher consciousness.
  23. You have a deep knowing that your twin partner is your destiny– not just in this lifetime, but also when you ascend, return “home,” and are reunited for eternity.

I know this must sound so silly to a good chunk of you, but I’m sick of shying away from this spiritual stuff that I love reading about and meditating about. Mediation as gotten me so far and has healed me so much. Even if this stuff is just silly at the end of the day I don’t care because I’m closer to knowing myself then half the population out there.

I do worry if I will meet my Twin Flame in this life. Maybe I will….maybe I won’t. Sometimes I sit here and worry….more I try to make peace with the idea that I’m not going to meet anyone, I’m not going to get married and I’m not going to find the love I’m looking for. I’ve started to make peace with this idea. But I fear I can’t live like that, it psychically hurts my chest when I think like that. But I also feel like everyone meets me and crushes on me then turns and walks out the door but they realize what I have been keeping from myself for years now. I want someone, I’m looking for a relationship, I’m looking for that one love. I need to stop kidding myself. Because it appears every other man [boy] knows this. I need to admit this to myself right now.

“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment.”
–Plato

 

 

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Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Cats, Confessions, Dating, Dreams, Hope, Life, Love, Meditation, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe

It’s been rough, Zombie rough

Zombie

I sang in a show on Saturday! Badass zombie make-up

My poetry has been rather frustrating lately. Not the poetry’s fault, but I do blame all my class work and certain events that have taken place that have really put a damper on my work. Which sucks because I have a huge contest deadline on Thursday and I’m not too happy with the product I have right now. I haven’t had a lot of people willing to go through my stuff and I haven’t had the time to write and it’s very much effecting my moods. Lets hope this mood goes away soon.

I had to deal with some assholes last week. The mens club that goes on without the poetry community is one of the worst ones out there. No my name is not baby and you’re a pig for not only performing drunk, for thinking your shit is gold but especially for rubbing up against women. (More on this later maybe.

(SCHOOL IS A BITCH AND A HALF)

I must confess I have been struggling with posting this last week and I have so much to say now I feel like this post may be rather too long but FUCK IT!

The one that wants to be the fuck-buddy emailed me a second time and sent me a friend request. GO AWAY! He has been nothing but drama in my life and I don’t need any more of that in my life.

Virgin Cornfield guy called me out of the blue tonight. Which was funny because I was crying. He told me I could come over lay down and just fall asleep, you know get away. Which I was rather tempted to, because comfort right now is something I’m dying for, but i know this is something I need to get through without needing someone. Plus he’s not the guy I want comforting me.

THAT guy (the one I really like right now) seems to have stop speaking to me. I know I could be over doing it, so what if he hasn’t text me in three days. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the fact that he’s bailed so many times before this just worries me even more. He just has promised so much these last few days and out of no where just kind of stopped speaking to me. I’m so sensitive to stuff right now and this is just going to drive me rather crazy, especially since we kissed the last week. For all I know he’s changed his mind. (Not sure what to do)

The hardest thing to deal with at the moment…my kitty cat back at home in California is not doing so hot. She’s 20 years old and she’s been my bestest little friend for these last 20 years now. My mom keeps sending me these cute little texts and stuff, like they took her into the vet today and my mom texts me she’s a tough old cat and a fighter. I don’t think she’s going to be around much longer, but if I am to be honest I rather not be home when she decides its time to go. I know I must sound rather silly, because some people don’t care for cats every much or think well it’s only an animal.

But I don’t think it’s silly. She’s my best friend, she was there when my doggy was hit by a car, she was there during the moments I felt so stupid and struggled each time in school. She was there after each break ups. She was always there and she’s always been there for me. It’s hard to think I won’t have that little cat in my corner for much longer. She’s the last of my childhood pets and my God I’m going to miss her to pieces when she’s gone and I think that may be happening pretty soon. (I’m Praying for you Kitty cat) I wish I could give her one last hug, but she knows I love her.

Adele: Make you feel my love

God, I need a pick me up after these last few weeks.
I’m burnt out and about to give up.

And I hope my writing picks up too

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Being a woman, Cats, Dreams, Feeling Lost, Help, Home, Love, My kitty cat, my writing, poetry, school, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts