Category Archives: good energy

Summer Goals

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I’ll be moving permanently back to California at the end of May.

I’m sad to leave the midwest but it’s time to move on and try my luck in another city. I thought it’s only appropriate to make a list of goals for my summer.

Summer Goals:

  1. Submit chapbook Gazing Grain Press Before June
  2. Submit to Dancing Girl Press
  3. Submit to Hyacinth Girl
  4. Look up GRE Info.
  5. Start tackling my writing sample
  6. Make official list MFA programs
  7. Go to Open Mics in California
  8. Look up new journals to submit to
  9. Cut new Drama’s and Poetry’s for speech
  10. Work out
  11. Eat better
  12. Set up my room
  13. Read: The Feminine Mystique, A Room of One’s Own, The Beauty Myth, Sister Outsider, The Second Sex, The Woman Warrior, Sexual Politics, Yes Means Yes, The Purity Myth.

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Filed under about me, Books, good energy, List, My Chapbook, poetry, reading, school, Summer, thoughts

Limbo In the Midwest

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I’m restless at the moment. With one paper, journals and one more exam between me and undergrad graduation. My parents will be in town shortly and then I’ll be road-tripping. All sound fun and all are stressing me out.

I’m looking into two manuscript submissions and I’m not sure what to turn into who. Which is stressful. Maybe I’ll get this last paper done tonight so I can put together two chapbooks I would be happy to send out.

I hate and love moving. I hate taking down my good feeling energy. I can already feel it. But I love the idea of change and moving onto a new life. Especially since I’ve lived in this same house for two years now. It’s time to move onto new things (I’m not going to say adventures because…stupid) So the idea of fresh places, a change of scenery sounds wonderful but I hate cleaning, packing, cleaning, hot weather and the never-ending of packing boxes and trying to lift heavy boxes. Which just turns into my ass in the air, loud sounds, cussing and getting no where. (Like bad sex)

Road trip should be fun. I just can’t wait to get over the planning and packing for that as well. Especially because I’m doing most of it. Everyone is so busy it’s hard to meet up with them to work out things and if I don’t get it done…it won’t get done.

So here I am.

But I’m excited because I’ll be in my favorite National Park for my birthday!

Zion!! AHHHHH

But I’m ready. Ready to get home and start making my next move.

I can only take two more weeks of limbo before I say, “fuck this!”

 

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Filed under Friends, good energy, Home, Hope, House, My house, stressed out, venting

Dirty Things

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Remember that time during my blog posts where I use to write a lot about sex, men I’m having sex with and the dirty stories about my weekend?

Yeah, I don’t remember either as I’m about to yet again talk about my burning loins desire for pancakes and yet again how much I enjoy masturbation.

Tonight at midnight as I was laying in bed looking up more journal submissions (I’ve sent 15 in the last two weeks) I wanted ice cream and I realized I had Klondike bar. So I proceeded to say aloud and alone in my bedroom, “What would I do for a Klondike bar? Answer: Get out of bed and put pants on.

Masturbation has become a weekly thing more than how it’s normally been the past months. I’m at that stage of no sex, the I need a regular “something” going on. Now I’m actually not complaining about this whole no sex issue. I’m actually having a wonderful time. I forgot how much more wonderful orgasm’s can be masturbating alone.

Also I’m far too busy with poetry, school and the stresses those two bring on to be worried about sex or in a relationship for that matter. It’s freeing to not want or need someone else and to be honest I’ve never felt that before now.

Oh on other news I’ve won another award for my poetry! Oh yeah, the same award I won last year on campus. That was a lovely piece of information to hear. I only wish I wasn’t so stressed about school to enjoy it more.

Like I said I have also sent out my poems to a bunch of journals so fingers crossed a few poems stick and find a home! I’m feeling good and have a good feeling that a few will get published.

So sex may not be on top of my list and dating has been crossed out right now but I have poetry, my friends and some wonderful energy floating around me.

Believe me I much rather have the poetry right now than any man.

Sorry fellas!

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Filed under Alignment:, Being a woman, Dating, FOOD, funny, good energy, poetry, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, universe

Saturday Night

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This last Saturday was my 30th performance reading my poetry. Not only was this my 30th show but March was the month my writing came to life and was the month I performed my work for the first time ever a year ago.

I couldn’t have asked for a better performance on Saturday night. It was wonderful, I felt wonderful, the room was amazing and its finally hit me. All these dreams I’ve been having really finally hit me and tonight sitting in my room I really do feel like a different person and all the things I want to write about, all the things I want to fight for now. Everything is just rushing at me so quickly and I’m so in love with these feelings and this beautiful woman.

I am so excited to this woman that’s been slowly creeping out of my skin. ( I know that sounds rather weird) These past few months have been so painful and I’ve cried so much.

But gosh this woman that’s been making appearances this last few days, I’m so happy and so excited to feel more of this energy and how much my spirit is filling so hungry and so fulfilled.

Can’t wait for what else of myself is ready to make it’s self known.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, good energy, Hope, Life, my writing, poetry, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe

Egg Shells

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I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.

*Breaking out of my shell*

That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling  irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.

To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”

I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?

God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.

There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.

Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.

And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a  strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.

I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.

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Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Ugly Sweater Epiphany

This last week/weekend has mustered a lot of light bulb moments. A lot of realizations and for once being thankful for certain situation not panning out.

Saturday night wearing all black at a very “midwestern” ugly sweater party I sit with my best friends Valerie drinking some very nice cheap wine and I watch these guys, the ones I’ve almost dated and hear about other’s I’ve dated and what they up to now. As I’m watching and hearing all this play out I realize I’m so thankful I’m not with any of these guys.

And I think about all the times each guy I’ve been with and has left me standing here alone, I think about what each of them has said to me, “from you deserve better, you love too much, you’re amazing.” I’ve always written these line sin my poetry as painful cliche lines that guys place upon women and this could still be true and I could be just acting silly but I rather start to think about these lines as hell yeah I am too good for you!

I much rather sit down in this chair, drinking wine, watching these guys who couldn’t handle a woman like me and be grateful that each of them realized I wasn’t the one for them because there is someone out there who I’m much more suited for and will not only sit with me and talk about my day but will run along side of me with not only my passion but their’s too. (Ok now I sound like a cheesy chocolate or ring commercial)

I much rather say things like that, then I’m never going to find someone. And you know what maybe I don’t find someone. Maybe no one is good enough for me.

I think it’s about damn time I set my standards high, because I’m a beautiful, caring, talented young woman. And hell yeah I’m going to still fuck it up and date the dumb ass loser who is going to break my heart, because I throw myself into situation fast and hard but I don’t care. I’m going to cry, I’m going to go buy some cake mix and wine and cry in the shower. Then I’m going to write a poem about, because shit this bullshit guy stuff sucks but at least I get a good poem out of it.

So to the guy that’s out there somewhere waiting for me (Lets hope your real and not just a piece of cake I’m imaging) lets hope you run into me soon or hit your head and realize you want to run with someone like me, ok maybe not actually running, because its icy in Peoria right now and I slip walking. Here’s to hoping this man realizes he can’t spend the rest of his life without.

Until then, I’ll drinking wine

(Not like that’s going to stop once I met someone)

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Filed under Being a woman, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, good energy, Hope, Love, Thankful

When God closes a door, he opens a sex dungeon.

Of course after reading my previous post before this one its clear that my Saturday night all the way into half of Sunday was pretty much an ass hat of a shitty time. I mean I haven’t had sex since last month, which was also sex I don’t remember and I threw up and ended up in the wrong bed naked. With an old hook-up that’s fine, but I’m ready for some sober fun sex now.

Today the universe must have heard my prayer because oh fuck! I’m going to be having some crazy ass sex when I get back home to Cali. So if any of you have read my page called, “The Past” you will remember a guy named “the best sex I’ve ever had.” Well, I’m going to be having some more of that awesome sex when I get back into California in two weeks!! Oh holy fucking shit! It’s a dream come true. I have been dreaming of some nasty, hot ass sex and like a fairy tale my dreams have come true.

Now I understand what Cinderella and the Little Mermaid were feeling at the time. Damn.

And it’s funny because I guess he’s been thinking about me for a while now. Since October. Gosh I’m so oblivious. But I looked back and some of our conversations and I’m like oh wow he’s been emailing me to see how I’m doing, etc. I’m a mess that I didn’t notice.

And it’s funny because this week I’ve been complaining that I want sex and I want to have a good time. Also it’s funny because twice this week I have brought “the best sex I’ve ever had guy” up to two of my friends.

But I cannot wait for some sex, motorcycles, food and the beach.

Damn, I’m wet just thinking about it.

Thank you God/Universe/naked good vibes/whatever made this workout

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Filed under good energy, Home, sex, universe

Tonight

Just a thought:

I sit around a group of beautiful people, beautiful voices, beautiful words

Sharing beautiful words.

Sharing heart songs, touching souls with hushes of our voices

This is the moment I feel so beautiful, feel so much at peace. These are the moments as a writer I crave for, write for and dream about.

I am so thankful for my gifts.

Thankful for my beautiful gifted friends.

I am so happy for the beauty and energy that moves throughout this house.

Thank you Universe for blessing me

 

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Friends, good energy, my writing, poetry, Thankful, universe

Like Lullabies

Five friends, five conversations and five days later I have learned one key factor that each of these individual, including myself all share in common.

We all crave to have someone. 

To have someone to lay next to, to kiss, to hold in pressed arms, like a flower in a chapter book. Each of my dear friends, including myself simply want these moments to return to their lives.

I want these moments to come rushing back into my life. As if I’ve jumped into a river without testing the temperature of the water. I just want to close my eyes, take a deep breath and never look back at the cliff.

I miss laying with someone, I miss someone there to hold me, to kiss my forehead. I miss this, I crave this so terribly that I can feel the angst of this problem throughout music, can feel my bed sheets wrap around me, feel someone whisper to me in my sleep, “You have beautiful eyes.”

I have been trying to tell my closest guy friends that these are the moments women want the most. These are the moments that create that raw sexual energy I believe men are waiting for us to bust out with. To tie them up, to blind fold them, to kiss them everywhere, wait for them to smack our ass and then for us to scream out their name. Now from my own experience these moments are amazing, hot and have been some of my finest sexual experience, but these raw, hot moments came with moments of someone holding me, smiling at me, telling my how lucky they are to have me with them.

Gosh, can you remember those happiest of moments of being with someone. If I sit here, take a deep breath out and listen to my favorite writing music…I can remember those moments from my past that made me happiest.

  • His fingers moving through my hair
  • Kissing my neck softly
  • He says to me, “You are so gorgeous”
  • His arms wrapped around me
  • Waking up to him smiling at me
  • Telling my how beautiful my eyes are
  • Holding me when I cry
  • Wanting to hear about my day
  • Just sending me a text to let me know he’s thinking about me
  • Buying me flowers
  • Simply laying in bed with me, stroking my back, kissing my cheeks, humming  a song gently in my ears
  • Kissing in the shower
  • Carrying me up the stairs
  • Sitting in a coffee shop with me
  • Reading my poems
  • Falling asleep on the phone.
  • Telling me how important our friendship is.

(This “him” of course is not all from one person. The list above is of course from various relationships I’ve had).

This post is not only for myself but for my friends who lay alone at night (as I do every night) staring up past the ceiling, past the roof and look to the stars, in hopes of finding that one person who will hold them and never let them go.

They are out there.

Past the comets, past the star-dust and hanging on your eye lashes.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

My dear friends, close your eyes, fall asleep and continue to keep that shape in your heart for that one person that will change everything.

And remember you all have people in your lives who change everything, every single moment. They are your family members, your friends, co-workers, your students.

Tonight sing your own lullaby.

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Filed under Beautiful, Friends, good energy, Life, Love, thoughts, universe

The Universe is watching after me

I have this belief about the Universe, where when you’re having a bad week the universe finds a way to pick you back up. The Universe knew I needed a win this week and oh boy did the universe open my eyes to my future. So I will write here, who ever is in control of the Universe, who ever is watching after me, thank you.

Last night I went to an Open Mic night on Campus and it was wonderful. My best friends all came out to see me, some who I always torture with by sending them files on top of files of my work and some who have never heard my work until last night. I knew they would love it and support me but the audience, woah. Such wonderful feed back, such wonderful comments, such wonderful energy. Not only that but a local Poet approached me right after to get my number and has been pouring out invites for me to attend spoken word performances and wants me to work on a project over the summer.

Then this afternoon I got a call from my professor informing me I won The Academy of American Poets contest that my university puts on.

I know to some these things may be consider small achievements and for me I look at both of these as my stepping stone into a career I wasn’t even thinking about a year ago. I wasn’t even writing like how I am now a year ago. So today I’m sitting here crying, not because I won something but because I remember the nights I sat alone in my bedroom at the age of six praying to God to make me smart, to take away my learning disability. Now here I am, an English creative writing major sitting down writing in a language I could barley spell or read in first grade. So I will sit here and cry about how happy that the years of bedroom tears are finally being wiped away.

I am so thankful.

I would trade a hundred times falling in love with a man for the feelings I have when reading and writing my poetry. These are the moments I’m reminded I don’t need love from a man, I feel love in my writing and in the books I read.

Gosh, I’m just so blissful about all thats happening for me, I can feel it. This is only the beginning and I cannot wait for the rest of my life. I feel the momentum building inside of and nothing is going to stop me.

This is how I want to feel for the rest of my life.

Blissfully happy, crying over my hard work and falling in love with the Universe.

Working

Photo: My laptop and drinking coffee at my favorite little coffee shop.

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Filed under Disability, good energy, Life, my writing, poetry, Thankful, universe