Tag Archives: hope

Egg Shells

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I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.

*Breaking out of my shell*

That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling  irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.

To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”

I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?

God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.

There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.

Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.

And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a  strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.

I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.

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Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Ugly Sweater Epiphany

This last week/weekend has mustered a lot of light bulb moments. A lot of realizations and for once being thankful for certain situation not panning out.

Saturday night wearing all black at a very “midwestern” ugly sweater party I sit with my best friends Valerie drinking some very nice cheap wine and I watch these guys, the ones I’ve almost dated and hear about other’s I’ve dated and what they up to now. As I’m watching and hearing all this play out I realize I’m so thankful I’m not with any of these guys.

And I think about all the times each guy I’ve been with and has left me standing here alone, I think about what each of them has said to me, “from you deserve better, you love too much, you’re amazing.” I’ve always written these line sin my poetry as painful cliche lines that guys place upon women and this could still be true and I could be just acting silly but I rather start to think about these lines as hell yeah I am too good for you!

I much rather sit down in this chair, drinking wine, watching these guys who couldn’t handle a woman like me and be grateful that each of them realized I wasn’t the one for them because there is someone out there who I’m much more suited for and will not only sit with me and talk about my day but will run along side of me with not only my passion but their’s too. (Ok now I sound like a cheesy chocolate or ring commercial)

I much rather say things like that, then I’m never going to find someone. And you know what maybe I don’t find someone. Maybe no one is good enough for me.

I think it’s about damn time I set my standards high, because I’m a beautiful, caring, talented young woman. And hell yeah I’m going to still fuck it up and date the dumb ass loser who is going to break my heart, because I throw myself into situation fast and hard but I don’t care. I’m going to cry, I’m going to go buy some cake mix and wine and cry in the shower. Then I’m going to write a poem about, because shit this bullshit guy stuff sucks but at least I get a good poem out of it.

So to the guy that’s out there somewhere waiting for me (Lets hope your real and not just a piece of cake I’m imaging) lets hope you run into me soon or hit your head and realize you want to run with someone like me, ok maybe not actually running, because its icy in Peoria right now and I slip walking. Here’s to hoping this man realizes he can’t spend the rest of his life without.

Until then, I’ll drinking wine

(Not like that’s going to stop once I met someone)

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Filed under Being a woman, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, good energy, Hope, Love, Thankful

When it rains men, its pours

Movie I’m watching right now: Love Actually 

A Book I just got done reading: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Quick recap of the weekend before I get into the real story:

  • Walking Dead is back! Woah! What a season premiere!
  • Going to lunch with my little brother and his girlfriend tomorrow. Sushi!
  • We will be adding another member to the house soon! Frida the Cat!!
  • I have stopped crying and finally back on my birth control, so now I’m just very horny and it’s making me sweaty and shit. Also I now have a huge sweet tooth because of it.

StoryTime:

I swear when guys know your dating they come at you all at once. It’s like they don’t know how many people you’re seeing but they pick on this scent and the scent is called, “Hey lets tell Sally how we really feel about her.”

Guy number one: Well he’s been a friend, he comes over a lot. We workshop poems together. There has been on and off flirting a lot! And as my friends put it, every time I perform my poetry he gets a “poetry boner.” This is what I’ve been told from my friends watching the face he makes when I perform. (This has happened to multiple guys and my friend joke to me all the time about it) This one is never going to happen. Lets be real, he’s a nice guy but he’s just a big old flirt and he’s still pretty young. It would never work, nothing beyond a fun make out session.

Guy number two: My friend kind of set us up, he just moved into town recently. We met up at this really fun fall festival of beer thing. Ran around to different bars with him and my friends. Seemed to hit it off and he didn’t jet when I drunkenly spilled about my ex cheating on me. Then he came to my big poetry reading and then we both hung out this last Friday, just watched a movie. I wanted to take it easy, didn’t want to go out. It was nice, he didn’t make a move. Which is a new thing to feel, not having someone try and jump my bones. He’s a nice guy, attractive, runner,  gets along with my friends so far. I just don’t know. He seems young, not to sure how to date or I guess take charge. He’s a very nice guy so we shall see. Plus one negative is he doesn’t really read. But he’s a big movie buff, so that kind of makes up for it, but who am I kidding, it’s a  turn off when someone says they don’t read.

Guy number three: Oh boy, this guy again. So I hooked up with him drunkenly once and to be honest it was always more. I guess more than I even was aware of at the time. Which I should have known by the way he left that night. By the way he kissed me on my forehead, picked me up and place me on the bed and pulled all the blankets on me. But I kind of fucked up. A week later I slept with his friend. Did I know they were that close friends? No. Did I know this would affect him that much? No. This is one of my biggest regrets. (I don’t have many regrets) So we kind of stopped talking, but of course there was a little back and forth flirting, a little texting and then it stopped over the summer with him.

I stopped sleeping around and haven’t since May, because I realized I wanted something more than a one night stand.

Then we started talking again. I think it was the weekend I got back into town.We ran into him and his friends, who happen to be my friends and old roommates. That night as he was leaving my kind of drunk best friend Valerie whispered to him, “You fucked it up.” Which lead him to texting me that night, about how it was nice to see me and we started talking again. That lasted until the end of September and then again nothing.

Now I was aware that a friend of his had just passed away so I only figured he was going through some stuff so I stepped away. (My senior year of high school my speech team went through two very tragic death so I really learned that year that everyone griefs differently.)  And then what seemed like time away turned into me thinking, “well I’ve just faded into the background.”

That was until Saturday morning I woke up to a late night text message.

Two texts: He spilled his guts out about the death of his friend, which was rather tragic and very sad to hear and then the passing of his cousin, which is also very sad to hear. Which lead to him shutting everyone out and I should point he’s been going through stuff. You know, just life changing stuff, that “stuff” we all go through, just getting are shit together and figuring it all out(I’m not going to go into detail)

This lead to his second text, about how he does like me and does want to get to know me. And this is the last part of the second text (Replaced his name with guy) “But before I can do that, I have to sort myself out first. Its only fair. I refuse to give you the guy I am right now. I want to give you the guy I can be.”

I was rather speechless and not sure really what to say.

This one is hard for me. I like him, rather more than my head says I should. But it’s hard not to like him because it’s so easy with him. The talking, the looks, the jokes and he cares on another level. Like he knows my friends approval means a lot to me and how he gets along with them means everything. Sexual knows what he’s doing and he likes biting, which lately has been hard to come by. And more importantly his touch feels different. He’s somebody I want holding me. I’m craving for him.

But will this one ever happen? I’m not very hopefully, because well it’s been easier this past year to not have hope then it is to have hope in dating. Hearts break less.

But maybe I’ll give this one a little bit of hope.

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Filed under Being a woman, Dating, Hope, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, thoughts, universe

Can you feel them?

When I look up into the stars I can feel him, the “him” I believe I’m going to meet.  I feel this too when I lay in fresh-cut grass or walk down the street as the wind hits my hair. This is nothing of the sorts of believing in soul mates. I’m not sure if I even believe in that sort of thing. This is the feeling of someone out there that could be a match for me.

Then there are these moments I feel hopeless. Hopeless that I will ever meet someone. These moments come and go. Sometimes I’m sitting in my favorite coffee shop, sometimes the bookstore, and sometimes I’m at a house show standing, wine in hand, listening to music and the feeling slowly disappears, like my breath does during the coldest nights of the midwestern air.

Lets be real though, when I meet “the one” I’m going to end up with, it’s not going to be romantic. It’s not going to end up being romantic like all the romantic movies we watch.

  • I’m not going to run into him and spill my books everywhere (I don’t even carry that many books in my arms to spill).
  •  It won’t be at the coffee shop I go to. I won’t reading a book, he won’t come up to me asking for my number, I won’t give him a hard time and he won’t become this persistent guy who asks me everyday for my number because he already knows I’m the one.
  • I won’t meet him after having a drunk hook-up with him, that leads to this whir-wind of back and forth liking and not liking each other

These are all situations that happen in movies, but they would never will happen for me. Not only because these are mostly fictional movies situations because everyone is different, how each of us love and treat love is different. Why would any of us end up falling in love the way characters did in a movie.

And if there is any situation that does happen for me, I’m most likely going to meet the one, through a friend, be an old ex, simply me falling over, or running into inanimate objects.

I’m not sure how I will meet him but I do know it wont be easy, there will be fights, will be days were it feels like it’s not going to work out, days we question are choice in love.We all experience these days, but you get through them.

It’s going to be hard but I never said it wasn’t going to be worth it.

Here’s to hoping I fall into the right mans arms one day

Here’s to hoping he is everything I have never dreamed of.

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Filed under Dating, Love, single girl problems, thoughts, universe

Worthy of being F______

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I am tired of boys. Tired of boys who only have the courage to speak to me drunk.        “Which equals just want a hook up.”

Tired of the boys that think they are fucking me like a man.

I am tired of the back and forth. Tell me they have sturggles, insecurities and bullshit.  (Then they mess with me.) I am tired of being played. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of thinking boys will change.

Tired of waiting for boys to step up to the plate and become men.

Tired of the boys that want me to be their side woman to the woman they call “getting back together, but it’s not serious.”

I am tired of not being taken to dinner. Not being told I’m beauitful and I’m tired of being the fuck buddy, then being judged for who I sleep with. Being looked at as not the standard of a woman.

I swear if anyone sits here and pulls that dating quote that states, well you get what you give out. Be 23 again and let me know how dating goes for you. Let me know what else boys 21-23 think about besides sex.  Nothing.

I’m over the games.

At the point of just feeling hurt, used, confused and finally realizing that I ended up the “easy fuck.”

At least I know what I am worthy of.

Still, I will always hope a boy will step up to the plate and be the man I hope they really are inside.

Until then I am fuckable

worthy of being fucked

slang for body warmer.

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Filed under FML, sex, single girl problems

New baggage

August 2012: A break-up that will forever change my how I view “relationships” And forever will be intertwined within my stories, within my heart.

Tonight why I sit here and write I wait for the guy I’ve “seeing” to text me back. Now deep down I know he likes me, a lot. An example of this, he today he was at some part of the library when I was in class, I then ended up at the library with some friends posted a picture of us being silly and before he was on his way out he figured out where we were so he could say goodbye and give me a kiss. This is the reassurance in my heart. But then I get these sweeping panic attacks that he’s not going to come back. That maybe he is right now as he speak sleeping with another girl, laying down with her and kissing her.

I give you my “new baggage” the new worry I have attached to my heart. Thanks to my ex thrilla this is a new problem that at times I have no control over at all. Now most the time I have a pretty good handle on it but times like these, sitting here writing, right now my chest hurts, it aches, it worries for what he could be doing, if he really does like me. This baggage is so heavy on my heart. I know, I understand this baggage is not going anywhere anytime soon and I’m hopping that understanding this will make me a little bit stronger and the baggage a little bit smaller. But sometimes I have no control over the feeling.

So I write about it, I day dream, I pour my heart out on open line pages. That seems to make me stronger. Then after the feeling has passed, after the no control lifts from my chest. I take a deep breath, re-adjust my eyes and remember to have hope, to try and trust again and always smile.

Here’s to having hope.

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