Category Archives: Ex-boyfriends

Six Months No Sex (Setting records)

college-finals-sex-friends-study-college-ecards-someecards

The first time I ever has sex was my junior year of high school. I was 17 and the first friend in my group of friend to check this next step into “growing up.” Something that sounded rather more exciting than actually doing it and I really don’t much have much memory of my first time, or the many times to follow. Besides the room, my ex and a few feeling here and there.

That unsure feeling in the moment. The push into the idea “pun-intended” the shaking and worry of who I will feel like after all this.

I didn’t feel any different.

My body was still thin and my boobs remained small. My freckles didn’t shift towards my feet like they were trying to run away, migrate to a safer body.

Many young women try so hard, through ritual steps to fill those heels and walk like a lady. Like at 10-years-old we weren’t women yet, like feeling our bodies shift, our periods flow and men staring at our growing bodies wasn’t enough to call ourselves women.

We women always feel like we must the tests to become a woman. The period, the bra of different lace, boyfriend, break-ups, cheating, sex (good at it) sexy but holy white, get married, have kids and raise them well. Then we feel like a woman? So far all I’ve learned is how none of these so-called “rights of passage” do nothing to make feel any more like a woman. If anything I have felt more embarrassed, ashamed and trying more and more to be the right kind of woman for the right kind of guy that’s going to be everything for me.

And he never came along. (Ok I’m young) But 25 is right around the corner and this society I’m apart, the one I’ve dressed up for, wore colors on my face and bleed with for years now expects I would have found “him.”

Being that young woman, almost 25, very single and thinking about my next career moves. Makes me feel like an outsider in my culture. I know the culture is shifting but in many respects it’s not. feminist is still a dirty word and people at open mic’s and classrooms want to rinse my mouth out with soap. People still tell me what to wear and not wear. Other’s stare at my breast, make sexist comments to my face and many disrespect my space and my voice.

I haven’t had sex in six months. A record for me. I’ve been having sex since I was 17 and the longest I’ve gone without sex was four months, so being 24 years old and I haven’t had sex in six months is a record-breaking event.

It’s not looking like this record is going to end anytime soon and it’s due to a mix of things. I don’t like any of the men in the area. I don’t want them to touch after hearing the words that flap off their tongues. And I’m really enjoying touching myself lately.

Sex has always been me dictionary definition of who I am. I’m good at sex. I’m sexy, slutty and I know what a man wants. My blow jobs are good and know how to follow the ride.

This was everything I thought I was. So when Thrilla cheated on me and he was second person to cheat on me if really shattered my image of who I was. Because I thought I could keep someone around if I gave them sex, was good at sex and could bend my back in just the right ways.

Sex does not make me more of a woman.

It took me most of my life so far to figure this out.

And I don’t want any other women to feel like this, though I know many do. So I will do everything in my power to end this. It’s time our generation moves on and educates women correctly about sex.

It’s not a definition for who you are as a person or what you can give.

Six months is a long time for me and if you asked me a year ago if I hadn’t sex in six months I would have hated it. But right now in this moment I don’t feel less of a person. If anything I feel more like myself and more of a woman because I have given myself something I always gave to others. My time.

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Filed under Being a woman, Ex-boyfriends, sex, single girl problems, thoughts

Ugly Sweater Epiphany

This last week/weekend has mustered a lot of light bulb moments. A lot of realizations and for once being thankful for certain situation not panning out.

Saturday night wearing all black at a very “midwestern” ugly sweater party I sit with my best friends Valerie drinking some very nice cheap wine and I watch these guys, the ones I’ve almost dated and hear about other’s I’ve dated and what they up to now. As I’m watching and hearing all this play out I realize I’m so thankful I’m not with any of these guys.

And I think about all the times each guy I’ve been with and has left me standing here alone, I think about what each of them has said to me, “from you deserve better, you love too much, you’re amazing.” I’ve always written these line sin my poetry as painful cliche lines that guys place upon women and this could still be true and I could be just acting silly but I rather start to think about these lines as hell yeah I am too good for you!

I much rather sit down in this chair, drinking wine, watching these guys who couldn’t handle a woman like me and be grateful that each of them realized I wasn’t the one for them because there is someone out there who I’m much more suited for and will not only sit with me and talk about my day but will run along side of me with not only my passion but their’s too. (Ok now I sound like a cheesy chocolate or ring commercial)

I much rather say things like that, then I’m never going to find someone. And you know what maybe I don’t find someone. Maybe no one is good enough for me.

I think it’s about damn time I set my standards high, because I’m a beautiful, caring, talented young woman. And hell yeah I’m going to still fuck it up and date the dumb ass loser who is going to break my heart, because I throw myself into situation fast and hard but I don’t care. I’m going to cry, I’m going to go buy some cake mix and wine and cry in the shower. Then I’m going to write a poem about, because shit this bullshit guy stuff sucks but at least I get a good poem out of it.

So to the guy that’s out there somewhere waiting for me (Lets hope your real and not just a piece of cake I’m imaging) lets hope you run into me soon or hit your head and realize you want to run with someone like me, ok maybe not actually running, because its icy in Peoria right now and I slip walking. Here’s to hoping this man realizes he can’t spend the rest of his life without.

Until then, I’ll drinking wine

(Not like that’s going to stop once I met someone)

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Filed under Being a woman, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, good energy, Hope, Love, Thankful

The dick

This weekend was a reminder of past pain that I though I was almost over with. But triggers have a way of going off and within seconds your laying on a crying in tears struggling to breathe about all the pain you’ve endeared. I always think about the quote by Joan Didion.

“I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with everything we lose.” 

Last night all the way till noon today I spoke to a guy I was starting to really like. Lets call him “the dick.” Not because his penis was large or anything, he just ended up being a dick.

I found out he not only has a girlfriend but I’m pretty sure they have been together for years now. He came over, we talked for a long time about everything throughout our lives. I guess we didn’t want to focus on the real issue at hand.

Which we eventually ended up on, which of course ends exactly how anyone would expect it to. He loves his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to give up on that. Yes, he does really like me. But let’s be honest whenever does someone really leave their relationship for a “like.” Ok, maybe my ex did that. But most guys aren’t going to leave their girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is also his fiancé.

It was terrible this morning. Absolutely an awful morning. I will never see him again. I mean of course I’ll probably run into him downtown here and there. Which will be awful and of course Valerie will murder him each time she runs into him.

I cried, slept for three hours, eat some food. And I’m feeling much better. It amazing how easily I can move on more and more now. Will I break down a few more times? Yeah, I probably will. Will this fill up another piece of baggage for me. Of course.

But later today everything seemed to changed. The universe of something is looking out for me because everything shifted to a much better day. A bunch of people I haven’t spoken to in a while spoke to me. A few will be in town next week and I cannot wait to be back home for a little bit and enjoy friends and family. I’m so so thankful that something is watching out for in the world. I have never felt more safe and so full of comfort.

Thank you

It gives me hope.

 
Now “the dick” is just distant memory of how terrible men can be and the test that I made sure that I never do what was done to me. I could have continued on with fooling around with him, but that’s not ok. I told him he should tell her too. To be honest I don’t think he will. I don’t think that’s ok. He will be another lesson, another pain and another reminder that I do deserve better and i will find someone who is going to be so lucky to have something like me in their life and I’m going to be so lucky to have a man someday in my life who is going to give me all the love and care I deserve. 
 

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Hope, Life, single girl problems, thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

In a pickle (FML)

I’m stuck between a rock and fucking problem. I’m still not exactly sure if I know the whole story, or maybe I’m just lying to myself. No I’m sure I don’t know the whole story. Just the fragments, the pieces of what must be a much bigger and more complicated story/issue.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. Really nice, sweet guy, the conversations are easy and he’s a lot of what I’ve been looking for. And those negative qualities I’ve seen so far I’m willing to put up with. Now a week after meeting him, he told me he was “seeing someone.” Now problem number one “seeing one” can mean a bunch of different stuff for different people. Which really sucks because I’m pretty sure after Wednesday night over hearing the word “girlfriend” flying out his kind of tipsy mouth that there is more going on. Which prompted a very long drunk conversation outside, that I kind of remember and I kind of remember talking about poetry…goddamit Sally! Really? Of course drunk Sally starts talking about poetry and my ex’s and when I was cheated on, of course!

I’m so confused at the moment. Because this guy he not acting like I would assume he would. After large amounts of assholes and my fair share of watching my ex cheat I’m confused. Because I’ve met a huge chunk of his very good friends, we are friends on Facebook and well after Wednesday night he called to say sorry and talk to me. Maybe I’m just acting very stupid and very naive.

But this guy could just take off, get out of here, never talk to me again. Like every other guy has done to me. But he hasn’t and maybe he will eventually. But my gut tells me he’s a sincere guy, who does like me a lot. Maybe more than he should.

But I could never be the other woman. Never.

So I will talk to him soon. I will ask him whats going on and I will him what I kind of remember telling Wednesday night when we both were drunk. I will tell him what I have been too nervous to tell most guys. I want more than the hook-up, more than a back up and deserve more than that. I always have deserve more. And I don’t want to ever hurt another woman’s heart so I can have happiness.

I’m very sad and very heart-broken over this, because I know exactly how this is going to play out. He will say sorry, he will feel like shit and he go back to the life he was living. Because there is nothing romantic about leaving someone else for another.

It’s funny because I wonder if this so suppose to happen, I mean something like this situation was bound to happen. People being a part of monogamous relationships at my age seems less and less.

Last month I was thinking a lot about what happened with me. Last night I also told Valerie I don’t think I’m mad at the other woman anymore. To be honest I think I would have gotten over it/her a lot faster if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew her very well and that Thrilla took my car and well how I found out about it.

It was weird to be in these shoes. Different and I told Valerie I’m sad that Thrilla handle things the way they did. Because you know I do think they really loved each other and really were happy together. I wish he would have just broken things off right when things started to become than friends. I’m a bit sad for them in that sense. If only they would have handled it better.

I think they would be together… maybe be happy. And I would be much happier too and without some baggage. I suppose these are the lessons I needed to learn though and has fueled a lot of my soul. Without being cheated on i don’t think I would have ever moved on from Thrilla and I don’t know if I would have ever found poetry.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it.

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Filed under Being a woman, Causal, Confessions, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, FML, Life, my writing, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar

Saturday was one of the most refreshing nights I’ve had in a while. Especially since this night almost didn’t even happen.

I was rather stressed on Saturday and after a weeks worth of life choices ranging from naked in the wrong bed, hang over Wednesday and having to let go of a guy I thought could have been something more than just friends.

From crying in the shower, to still being drunk at 8am on Wednesday it was definitely hell last week. Saturday night going out didn’t seem like the best of ideas, especially with all the poetry I have to memorize and papers I feel behind in.

My friend Alicia invited me to go out to this bar, let call it “Navy Blue.” At first I said, “no, I’m working on a bunch of stuff.” Then some divine feeling, or maybe I was just thirsty ripped to me and I text her back, ‘you know what, yeah come pick me up.” After drinking with Alicia and three other couples, Valerie finally arrived. “THANK GOD!” Too many couples. You know those couples that all just want to hold each other and buy each other drinks and talk about couple things, so when you throw in a “guess who I spelt with this week!?” Then they just stare at you.

Now I told Alicia I was only going out to Navy Blue for drinks but the rest of the group was planning on going out to this “Irish bar.” Again this “spirit” deep down inside me was like, “ahh, Fuck it…LETS go!”

For the majority of the night sitting at this large table you could see the three couples and then to the right, “the single bitches.” Proudly objecting the men who decided to come into the bar in power ranger costumes, “dat ass!” Fast forward a few hours, Alicia catches her eyes on a very good-looking guy. Valerie, Alicia and I are a very bad combination drinking and horny as shit. We walk by them to get drinks and I’m not going to go into detail about the secret skills it takes to get a guy attention.

Oh wait….we’re good looking…..so it took nothing….I just had to flip my red hair and smile.

Two free drinks later we are joking with this creepy old man at the bar who happens to have two belly buttons! His name is Horseshoe. I shit you not and he told my friend Alicia that, “her cleavage looks like a midget’s butt crack.”

Eventually these three good-looking guys, who are very tall (that’s important during these economic times) invited us back to their house. We went, because why the fuck not. Of course Valerie made me promise we must all go home together.

These three guys names shall be: “He likes to party,” “Batman” and “In my pants.”

So after a game of Cards Against Humanity and King’s cup.

During King’s cup Alicia decides its best to make the rule that at the end of every sentence you have to end, “In my pants.” Of course I’m very drunkenly entertained by this, so is this good-looking guy who makes a point to move next to me. Eventually people step out of the room long enough that we make out and I end up on top of him making out. “Hot,HOT,HOT” ALL THAT IS GREEN ON EARTH I SHOULDN”T HAVE STOPPED HAVING SEX!”

Finally its time to go, it’s 3am and I have to be somewhere by 7am. We all exchange numbers and head home. Of course In my pants guys and I text till 4am and then I passed out. Next day we text a lot, he makes it very clear he wants to see me again. I definitely do, even if this just ends up being a hook-up.

Then like every great moment I’ve been having these past few weeks, reality comes crashing in. Now I cannot confirm and deny this, but for what I’ve gathered. In my pants guy may not only have a girlfriends but they are engaged! Now from the information I have I could be %100 off, but I don’t know if I’m wrong or right. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Valerie asked me what I’m going to do and I told her I’m going to do what I never got. I’m going to back away, I didn’t know and now I do, so I’m not going to add more damage to a relationship that’s obviously not working out anymore. That’s their mess, not mine and I don’t want to dive deeper into the pain that will eventually surface.

And of course I never want to be the other women.

I must confess though, it’s hard to not want to text him and just hook up with him. I will always have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That, “someone did this to me so why not?”

I also wonder if this is the universe testing me, like what would I do if the roles were resivse. Wondering if I would keep to my word and feelings towards cheating. I believe this was a lesson and test the universe was putting me through. Or maybe I’m saying this to make myself feel better about when i was cheated on twice, by two different guys.

of course I never would cheat or be involved in cheating. I went through far too much and I still deal with that betrayal. For the rest of my life my ex-boyfriend cheating on me will forever be a deep scar that I will carry around and I don’t want to know I ever caused others pain. So I will back away, especially until I find out the truth.

I’m not going to lie though. I’m pretty bummed. I thought I was finally getting somewhere in dating. So now I just want to give up on dating and become pie.

Unknown

Life would be easier to just be pie.

I’m going to admit it here if it’s not already crystal clear. I want a relationship. More than the drunk sex, the confused back and forth guys and the ones in relationships or the ones who can’t let go. I want a best friend again. It’s been so long since I’ve had someone I was in a inmate relationship with someone who was my best friend.

I’m slowly giving up on finding someone. I’m beginning to come to the terms more and more each day that maybe I was never really meant to meet someone, be with someone and fall in love in the ways I have day dreamed about for years.

Because as of right now, no man “boy” can handle being with a woman like me.

So I’ll just eat some pie.

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Filed under Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Friends, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

The weird shit I do at 4am

Last night at 4am  in the living room, where Valerie and I have been sleeping the past two nights. Both of us have been very confused and stressed out about “stuff.” Hands stumbling in the dark I grab a hold of my cell phone and begin deleting every hook-up/every Ex off my cell phone.

I even have old numbers going back to high school, like for example “Nose Candy” number was still in my phone. I’ve kept these numbers mainly because I’ve feared one of them drunk texting me or texting me in general. I’ve claimed that the main reason is texting back or picking up the phone and being stuck speaking to them. This has happened before with an Ex I haven’t wanted to speak to ever agin.

Yet this is simply still an excuse. Time to let go of the past. So I deleted the last of the one that have remained in my phone. Thought it was about time to get rid of that bad energy.

You know what? I think it’s working. I can already feel some weight falling off my shoulders.

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Filed under Ex-boyfriends, Life, thoughts, universe

Facebook Conversations with “The Other Woman”

My roommate Valerie leans over to me and says, “Do you mind if I start talking to her again?” “Her” is the other woman who was involved with my Ex for five months. Valerie and her were best friends all throughout college, they have had a touch and go relationship since the cheating and sense Valerie found out more. I told her I don’t mind, but I did tell her the changes of me ever being ok with seeing her or chatting are gone. There was at one point I was trying but with the way things have ended with me and Thrilla and the fact that they still have been lying about a few key points, even a year after! I’m just done.

But as I was laying in bed, I remembered the Facebook messages I sent her and I thought to myself, “I wonder if I kept them or not.” Sure enough down deep into my message they were still there. So since I can’t sleep I decided it was time to post the small exchange I had with “the other woman.” It’s now 5am, lets do this.

Conversations started August 17, 2012

8/17/12 7:07pm

Hey,

This is Sally and I believe we have meet a few times. I’m good friends with Valerie. So look, it’s come to my understanding that you and Thrilla may have been getting very close over the course of the summer. Especially ever sense Valerie party.

And look it’s fine, date, do what you two want to do. I’m not sending you this email to cuss you out or tell you not to date him, I’m sending this because you know, maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s not you, and maybe Thrilla has told you a different story about our four year relationship. Maybe you didn’t even know Thrilla and I were dating till as of now.

But I’m emailing you, because I just want the honest truth. Especially sense you know me, you have seen me around, you hosted the poetry event, you said hi to me and hugged me.

And from the notes, roommates and other various red flags its led me to believe you and Thrilla are more then friends. I just want to move on. I want the honest truth and to know if anything did happen. Because honestly I do believe he had been seeing you over the summer in some form of dating and I do consider that cheating and I am very hurt and very shocked that anyone would be ok with knowing someone else was getting badly hurt within the process of all this.

As a women, it hurts to think that you did know about me and you were ok with it all. Because it is situations like this that many women fight against. I feel as though you would be someones very against this very situation. Please I only want the honest truth so I can let go and move on.

If you are truly uninvolved and unaware of all this, then I’m truly sorry for sending this email out to you. I hope you can see and understand why I’m sending you this.

I want closer because honest and I have gotten none and I have been left very hurt and shocked by my break up with Thrilla, who is not only been my boyfriend but my best friend at one time.  I have been very hurt in this relationship and I have just become numb to this whole issue.

Thank you,

Sally

_______________________________________________________

I’m not sure what events lead up to the second email because I found out a few interesting things through Tina and through Valerie. Before Thrilla fully admitted everything I spoke to her through this second and last email I ever sent her.

8/18/13 18th 2012 3:11pm

Ok, also I should let you know I do know some stuff/found things. And I figure if I’m asking you to be honest with me then I will be honest with you.

I found a lace white silk undershirt in Thrilla room, and a note that said, “keepsake to remember what I wore that night.”

I found journal notes by him that didn’t say a name but was to someone. It said you left today and I Miss you and love you and some other stuff about wanting to do things to the person and not having them around. This date this women left was not the day I left for California.

I found a note that had text messages on it that was very sexual and lots of very sexual poems about doing things to a women. They were very sexual.

Also I know you and Thrilla were flirting at party Valerie’s when I came over to the kitchen it was very awkward when we walked in.

I also know Valerie doesn’t know a thing , which leads me to believe both of you knew this was wrong and what you both were doing was not ok on any level no matter the reason or logical thinking or heart-felt feelings you two may have for each other.

Also his roommates told me that a few times Thrilla took MY car and drove off somewhere they didn’t know where, and one time he left and didn’t get back till the next day. I would really hate to think that Thrilla, who at the time didn’t have a driver’s license drove to meet up with you and drove you around.

I know you came over to Thrillas house this summer and met his roommates, who by the way are my best friends and they told me you guys went up into his room.

I also found a list, with your name on it and my and many other girls he’s dated/wanted to or maybe is flirting with idk….and we had numbers to go with our names and he wrote down negatives and positives for each of us. And your name was definitely on the list.

I know Thrilla sent you some literature I do not appreciate that because that is from my job thats my high schools literature, not yours or his or mine for that matter. That is very unethical of both of you.

I have seen more than my share of emails between you and Thrilla and they made me really uncomfortable and I’m not stupid I can tell when I guy and girl are flirting with each other and developing a bond together.

I can’t write out off the top of my head all the emails and Facebook messages but I’ve seen a lot….more then Thrilla even knows. I also checked his history on his computer and saw he had spoken to you numerous times, but deleted the messages. I also had asked him not to speak to you  during him and I dating because I felt comfortable and I know he still was messaging you.

I know this is a lot but I felt like I should tell you what I know, but I guess he seems to really love you and I guess you to are a lot closer than I had thought. To be honest it hurts to see these journal entries about how much love he has and what not.

Also from the past messages I’ve seen you and Jenkins both seem to enjoy poetry, so I thought you would like this poem and Thrilla would too.

_______________________________________________________

8/18/13 (The other woman)

Hi Sally,

I understand your reaching out to me and that you want the truth about what’s been going on. But after that second message, it seems like you really already know what’s been going on.

I don’t know what you want me to say from that list of things you sent me. We have been talking online, texting, through Facebook, etc. I don’t know anything about the journal entries/lists. I did not know that car was yours or that he did not have a driver’s license until later, but he did drive up to see me one time. The lace cami is mine. As for the lit you mention, I don’t know about that either.

That night at the party is where this all started. That night, I did not know you were still with Jenkins, but I knew about your relationship after that. We started talking that night and have been throughout the summer.

When you said you’re hurt that I did know about you, had met you, and was ok with it anyway, you’re right. I don’t think I would have done it or allowed it to continue as long as it had had I not been dealing with my own issues at the time, which was my break up with my own boyfriend of 3 years. At the time, I did not care much about anything or anyone. I’m not saying it’s an excuse for what I’ve done, only maybe help you understand a little why I did it, at least at the beginning. By the time I had a grip on myself and realized what I was really doing, we had been already been talking for a few weeks.

We would talk online, text, and sometimes go on walks. We also went to salsa dancing and to a poetry slam, maybe you’ve heard about that. When I graduated and left Bradley we continued talking, much of which you’ve seen I guess.

When I came down and visited Peoria, I did meet his roommates and go up in his room. I also stayed for a night at his house. Up till then we had just been talking, but that night we did kiss and fool around a little. Nothing went on below the waist, but neither of us felt good about it, so we stopped and haven’t done anything since then.

Our actions were not intended to hurt anyone, but they did and I’m very sorry about that. I don’t think either of us expected it to turn out like this, for this to go on for as a long/far as it has.

I’m sure it sounds hollow coming from me, but I am truly sorry for all of this and the hurt it has caused you. I hope this gives you the closure you were looking for and I appreciate your honesty with me. Thanks for the poem, I will keep it in mind.

_______________________________________________________

I will later find out that yes they did have sex and then year later I found out she went to California with him that summer, the point in the summer where I had just flown back to Peoria. He introduced her to his family, she stayed as their guest, she baked cookies, she became family.

 And the fact that she brings up her struggle with her break-up. I am sorry but I don’t feel bad at all and would have preferred her not to mention it, because when you state something and it’s follows, “I’m not saying it’s an excuse for what I’ve done” No that’s your excuse, you’re trying to sugar coat, but adding sprinkles to a piece of crap is just a piece of crap with some nasty sprinkles on it now.

 It was only a week after all this that she showed up in town to stay the night with him. It took me a year to realize neither of you were innocent and knew exactly what you were doing. You were both excited with the fact of seeing each other as I was still there. For all I know the moments I was on the phone with him, you were sitting beside him. I should have never blamed myself but I have been fighting myself for a year now and that is done and over with. I had nothing to do with any hers or his weakness, their lack of empathy for another human being.

I hope posting this will allow some form of healing for me and to be honest I think it will in some way heal me a bit more.

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Filed under Being a woman, Ex-boyfriends, thoughts, universe, Words