Tag Archives: lost

Doubtful

I’m in one of those moods.

Feeling forever doubtful about poetry and my work.

I’m gradating soon and I have seen so many of my fellow talented writers leave college and to never write again.

I don’t want that to happen to my poems.

But is this a real thing? Many moments throughout my day consist of the thought, am I really good at this whole poetry writing stuff or is everyone just being really nice to me? Because who would say, “Well Sally maybe you should try something else.” This is all I got, I love it, I live for it, it’s what makes me feel better and I am the most happy writing and performing. But how will I make money? How will I get into a great MFA (Full time or low residency)

I want to be the best, but this just never seems to be in the cards for me, well I suppose I just need to dig really deep.

I’m just been so down on myself this week and my work. Maybe it’s the period, maybe the terrible back pain that makes me sleepy and in exhausted. MaybeI’m just facing some hard facts.

I don’t know what else to do but keep writing and performing.

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Filed under Help, Hope, Life, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, venting, WTF?

Is losing a friendship worst then losing a relationship?

After my meeting this morning I had some spare time before my one Friday class this and  I could have slept a little bit, worked on a handout but clearly I went with option “C.” Which was to watch the new episode online of Grey’s Anatomy. Yes, I watch Grey’s Anatomy. It’s my guilty pleasure! (Along with  laundry list of other shit)

 Give yourself a moment to let that sink in and move on!

Now the last few episodes have continuing this side event about how Cristina and Meredith who have been best friends and each others “person” for years now, but due to a major rift their friendship has crumbled to pieces within minutes before our eyes, of course this is the magic of film/TV shows.

I know what you must be thinking to yourself, “Sally I don’t watch this show?why does this matter?” Well, it got me thinking about the drifting friendship between Tina and I.  I haven’t mention it much on here but I’m going through a similar situation.

We live five steps from each other and yet the most I’ve said to her this week was, “hey.”

I guess it all began in September, “the month of miscommunication” and “people not confronting enough.” Tina got a boyfriend and within a blink of an eye she was with him and I connceted at the hip with him.  It seemed ok at first. Still  I Valerie and I were worried. We knew Tina was looking for ” the relationship.” The one that’s going to last a long time and thats going to give her the love and treatment she deserves.

I’m not sure when everything happened. When we stopped really speaking to each other and she became a stranger in our house. I guess Tina got busy with work, which is understandable. Then she stopped hanging out with us downstairs, stopped texting us, stopped trying to make an effort.

Then came a series of issues:

  • Smelling smoke up stairs that was so strong, I could smell it with my door close. Then we confronted her about the smell that night. She blocked the view from her room and told us it was nothing. To the next day telling us it was just her candles. (We all know what candles smell like and what someone smoking smells like) Then she told us he had just came in from smoking. (We have all dated a smoker and no one man (unless you are Joe Camel) is going to stink up the whole second floor bedrooms and the attic bedroom.
  • She struggles confronting people. Which is fine because I struggle with this same problem, but I also know that sometimes you have to confront and talk about awkward situations. This is something I think she has yet to figure out. Because she has lost of a few good friends because of this.
  • She just stop speaking to my roommate Valerie, because she was scared to talk to her.
  • She just sits in her room now, sleeping or watching TV. We never see her, just when she leaves, comes home, lets her boyfriend in or picks up food.
  • She doesn’t help with cleaning the house
  • She’s made series of two jokes to me I wasn’t to happy about.
    • The first one being: when my other roommate was giving away condoms she didn’t need (she bought some for a joke thing but doesn’t have sex…blah blah any ways) Tina Found out I got some and she didn’t and she say’s to me, “You don’t need and haven’t had sex in months! Why should you have them, some of us are actually having sex.”

This one bugged me, because she knows why I’m not having sex. She’s seen me cry and become heart-broken. Especially giving someone so much of myself so fast and then they just bail on me. Plus I don’t think I have ever made her feel bad for not having sex. (Plus I have never once pointed out I probably had more sex last year in one month then she’s ever had in her life at this point.) So lets not start getting caddy with statements such as those. No need to pull out our vagina’s and see which one is bigger….ok that could mean so many things.

    • The night after my poetry feature I went out with a bunch of people and this one guy, that I’ve hooked up with before bought me a drink. He’s a very nice guy, chill and nothing happen at all that night. Then that weekend when Tina and all of us were walking she made a comment that basically stated she thought he may have stayed the night last night.

This one was a problem mainly because this hook-up and I never talk about our hook-ups. It’s like a good hook-up should be, “no connection.” I feel nothing more than sex and he feels the same and I would like it to stay that way. That includes it not being awkward or talking about it, but Tina decided to be snarky one day and bring it up. Even though we didn’t even hook-up that week and hadn’t since May!

    • Then came the loud sex noises during all hours of the night. Look I’m all for sex and I’m all for being loud. I mean I can get loud, but not every week all the time moaning. Plus Valerie doesn’t let me perform my poetry loud past 11pm and that’s love-making in its own right, so if I can’t be loud performing poetry downstairs, then to hell is anyone going to be having loud sex!
    • They also talk really loud. Especially  “him” he’s a loud talker. I dislike loud talkers when I’m trying to sleep or work on a paper.
    • Also I just don’t trust him. He was weird from the start and acted off and he’s kind of big on “Merica.” (Ugh that makes my lady parts swirl around.)
    • Last week she left her tea-cup out, well my tea-cup but she used it for tea and never washed it and left the tea bags in it. Then she went out-of-town and a week later I’m like, “Shit I’ll wash it, like I’ve done with so many dishes.”

(Ok, now I’m just being bitchy and pissed)

Now past all this anger, these pissed off feelings and mumbling under my breath, I really miss my best friend. I miss her even more knowing she’s probably not coming back and our friendship is over so quickly.

I’ve never been one of those girls who has ever planned out her wedding, never thought of a dress or color scheme, but I have always thought about the people I would want there and the ones I want next me on a day that’s so important to me. To lose a friendship where you imaged her there with you on that day, standing near you and celebrating with you, well it’s hard.

What’s even harder is to here about her shitty relationship. I’m sorry Tina, I know you can go on this blog and you may read this, even if you think about checking this blog anymore any ways. But I’ve heard you guys have broken up three times already. I’ve seen you walk around crying and like I’ve said Sam is loud and I can hear you guys talking as I’m sitting on my bed with the bed closed. He’s an asshole and a shitty relationship. I wish we hadn’t lost our friendship, because maybe you wouldn’t be with him if you had the support system you need.

I hope you read this. It’s the least I can do for you, is give you a wake up call and get the fuck out of dating someone you have only been dating for about two months and yet you guys have already broken up.

You’re losing your friends. I don’t just mean your house friendships. People talk, a lot of them talk and a lot of them feel the same way as I do. You have disappeared and left us all for a guy. You cut everyone off for a good time and I hope it’s worth it in the end. I hope one day you realize the choices you made.

I miss you.

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Filed under Friends, Hope, House, Life, thoughts

Upside Down Decisions

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I don’t think I even know how to date anymore. I’m definitely stuck, like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhogs Day I continue to repeat life over and over again.

I’ll admit I’m not exactly like Bill Murray, repeating my day over and over, more every time I met a guy I just end up hooking up, over and over. Different guys, same results. So minus Bill Murray, add one red head and replace the groundhogs with naked men. And you get me, stuck in the sex pool and not sure where the ladder went.

Disclaim: I haven’t had sex since May. (Something new I’m trying out) Which doesn’t seem to be helping very much. I still feel like everyone just wants to hook up and I still feel wobbly on my feet trying to be with someone for more then sex.

My stomach tied up in knots made of stone, I can hardly breath and I’m not sure if I’m ready to be with someone. Maybe thats the problem, I’m too scared to open myself up to someone. To give all of myself to someone, because when I fall, its like jumping off an ocean cliff, gravity’s [my heart] is going to make me fall hard.

I’ve always been that way. Don’t think I could ever be one of those people how just steps to the edge to take a look.

My goodness I’m just so terrified,

I’m not going to find what my hearts aching for. Because I’m dying, craving, eating large amounts of food, looking for some deep romance, some passion. Holding each other so tight in fear the other may disappear and I’m dying for those stares back at my when I’m looking into their eyes.

Upside Down by Abbie Folken 

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Filed under Causal, Confessions, Dating, Feeling Lost, Help, my fingers feel numb, sex, single girl problems, thoughts, trust

Attraversiamo

I’m afraid, trying to “cross over” into a new outlook on relantionships. I am terrified, becoming shy and nervous to let someone else into my heart and feelings.

Because what if I do and they just decide to float away, drift away and I then must learn to move on yet again. Growing tried of letting men into my heart and they just use me for the sex, the kisses, smiles around their necks.

Here I sit then, waiting for someone to walk into my life, worried it will never happen. Deciding if I should just cross the street and walk on that side of the concrete. I don’t want to be heart broken anymore. Too scared to feel my chest ache and my hair damp sticking to my face.

Confession #2: I don’t remember the last time I got to tell a man, “I love you.”

Too shy, too nervous, heart broken back zipper, stuck half way up. Want to be done with love, dating, men, the sex so badly at times. But this quotation stops me.

But still humans must try to love each other. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. -Elizabeth Gilbert

And writing helps, my poetry helps. It keeps my mind and heart busy and else where. Lets me express my pain and most importantly, my poetry reminds me that I don’t need a man. Because my art form, my beautiful words do more then anyone could ever give me. And with that I believe in soul mates. Because I have already found mine…”words.”

I will “Attraversiamo” cross over to my words, let them slide off my tongue and speak affirmations to myself out loud, “I will love someone again, he will be handsome, he will hold me tight and he will inspire me.”

So I will continue on then, I will choose to look for him.

love

Tomorrow I will again and the days to follow.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Confessions, Dating, Love, my writing, poetry, thoughts, universe, Words

Up too late and not a clue how to stop over thinking this life

Fifth straight night in a row I’ve stayed up past 3AM. I am yet again working on pieces for work.

I’ve missed this job. Missed the classroom, missed seeing the kids I coach and I missed working at a job that I not only love but a job I know I’m excel at.

Even though I back to doing what I love, for some odd reason that I cannot even begin to comprehend or really explain…I’m lonely.

Sitting here working on and reading scripts. I feel this empty pit in my stomach. It’s lonely to work late hours on your own. Lonely when their isn’t someone in my life that wants to know how my day went, how work is going and just to have someone that is missing me, thinking about me, maybe even dreaming about me.

Yes, I have friends who miss me when I’m away, but what I’m describing above is the loneness many of us feel daily, the desire for having someone special in our lives. For some reason tonight I am missing this, craving this and wishing that maybe there was someone out there who was thinking about me. Do I have a someone? No, not at all; this is why I wish.

Working alone tonight is…tough.

Early this evening I also had a difficult talk with a friend. A friend trying to help me move on from an issue I didn’t want to admit was still an problem. Recently I have become very heart broken from past dating experiences. Clearly from the past few men [boys I mean] that I have written about throughout my blog it’s no surprise I feel heart broken.

I am heart broken.

Reminds me about a section of a poem I wrote:

“Trying to Charleston backwards in heels out metaphorical doors,

left clothes behind, zapped by God in apocalypse.

Left behind Twitter Make Out page, first night we meet.

We all have first nights we undressed-

out full flapper dress and into the arms-

of our friends, the first night we drunk cried.

Losing our iconic dance partner.

Because he couldn’t dance and talk at the same time.

Couldn’t look in same direction as our waltz.”

From my poem: “Fred Astaire dancing backwards in Heels.”

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t coma back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head.”

― Henry Rollins

How do I stop blaming myself for something that was never my fault?

I think they call it letting go.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, List, my writing, poetry, single girl problems, thoughts