Tag Archives: confessions

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar

Saturday was one of the most refreshing nights I’ve had in a while. Especially since this night almost didn’t even happen.

I was rather stressed on Saturday and after a weeks worth of life choices ranging from naked in the wrong bed, hang over Wednesday and having to let go of a guy I thought could have been something more than just friends.

From crying in the shower, to still being drunk at 8am on Wednesday it was definitely hell last week. Saturday night going out didn’t seem like the best of ideas, especially with all the poetry I have to memorize and papers I feel behind in.

My friend Alicia invited me to go out to this bar, let call it “Navy Blue.” At first I said, “no, I’m working on a bunch of stuff.” Then some divine feeling, or maybe I was just thirsty ripped to me and I text her back, ‘you know what, yeah come pick me up.” After drinking with Alicia and three other couples, Valerie finally arrived. “THANK GOD!” Too many couples. You know those couples that all just want to hold each other and buy each other drinks and talk about couple things, so when you throw in a “guess who I spelt with this week!?” Then they just stare at you.

Now I told Alicia I was only going out to Navy Blue for drinks but the rest of the group was planning on going out to this “Irish bar.” Again this “spirit” deep down inside me was like, “ahh, Fuck it…LETS go!”

For the majority of the night sitting at this large table you could see the three couples and then to the right, “the single bitches.” Proudly objecting the men who decided to come into the bar in power ranger costumes, “dat ass!” Fast forward a few hours, Alicia catches her eyes on a very good-looking guy. Valerie, Alicia and I are a very bad combination drinking and horny as shit. We walk by them to get drinks and I’m not going to go into detail about the secret skills it takes to get a guy attention.

Oh wait….we’re good looking…..so it took nothing….I just had to flip my red hair and smile.

Two free drinks later we are joking with this creepy old man at the bar who happens to have two belly buttons! His name is Horseshoe. I shit you not and he told my friend Alicia that, “her cleavage looks like a midget’s butt crack.”

Eventually these three good-looking guys, who are very tall (that’s important during these economic times) invited us back to their house. We went, because why the fuck not. Of course Valerie made me promise we must all go home together.

These three guys names shall be: “He likes to party,” “Batman” and “In my pants.”

So after a game of Cards Against Humanity and King’s cup.

During King’s cup Alicia decides its best to make the rule that at the end of every sentence you have to end, “In my pants.” Of course I’m very drunkenly entertained by this, so is this good-looking guy who makes a point to move next to me. Eventually people step out of the room long enough that we make out and I end up on top of him making out. “Hot,HOT,HOT” ALL THAT IS GREEN ON EARTH I SHOULDN”T HAVE STOPPED HAVING SEX!”

Finally its time to go, it’s 3am and I have to be somewhere by 7am. We all exchange numbers and head home. Of course In my pants guys and I text till 4am and then I passed out. Next day we text a lot, he makes it very clear he wants to see me again. I definitely do, even if this just ends up being a hook-up.

Then like every great moment I’ve been having these past few weeks, reality comes crashing in. Now I cannot confirm and deny this, but for what I’ve gathered. In my pants guy may not only have a girlfriends but they are engaged! Now from the information I have I could be %100 off, but I don’t know if I’m wrong or right. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Valerie asked me what I’m going to do and I told her I’m going to do what I never got. I’m going to back away, I didn’t know and now I do, so I’m not going to add more damage to a relationship that’s obviously not working out anymore. That’s their mess, not mine and I don’t want to dive deeper into the pain that will eventually surface.

And of course I never want to be the other women.

I must confess though, it’s hard to not want to text him and just hook up with him. I will always have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That, “someone did this to me so why not?”

I also wonder if this is the universe testing me, like what would I do if the roles were resivse. Wondering if I would keep to my word and feelings towards cheating. I believe this was a lesson and test the universe was putting me through. Or maybe I’m saying this to make myself feel better about when i was cheated on twice, by two different guys.

of course I never would cheat or be involved in cheating. I went through far too much and I still deal with that betrayal. For the rest of my life my ex-boyfriend cheating on me will forever be a deep scar that I will carry around and I don’t want to know I ever caused others pain. So I will back away, especially until I find out the truth.

I’m not going to lie though. I’m pretty bummed. I thought I was finally getting somewhere in dating. So now I just want to give up on dating and become pie.

Unknown

Life would be easier to just be pie.

I’m going to admit it here if it’s not already crystal clear. I want a relationship. More than the drunk sex, the confused back and forth guys and the ones in relationships or the ones who can’t let go. I want a best friend again. It’s been so long since I’ve had someone I was in a inmate relationship with someone who was my best friend.

I’m slowly giving up on finding someone. I’m beginning to come to the terms more and more each day that maybe I was never really meant to meet someone, be with someone and fall in love in the ways I have day dreamed about for years.

Because as of right now, no man “boy” can handle being with a woman like me.

So I’ll just eat some pie.

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Filed under Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Friends, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

Closed For the Season? (Condoms and other miscellaneous items on my dresser)

Cali (Home)

Sitting on a departing American Airlines flight that will be heading towards California in a matter of minutes, I look out the window. The terminal slowly moves out of view and my fingers curl over plastic arm rests, my heart races and only one thought comes to mind, “shit I should have had sex last night.” What follows can only be describe as the aftermath of a late night party foul. I continue to repeat in my mind, “well there goes sex for a while, and what were you thinking Sally!” With realization setting in, I begin to feel like a recovering heron addict.

I’m rethinking this whole “Closed for season.”

“Closed for Season” Basically means I’ve chosen to compare myself as hunting season. Or like one of my close friends pointed out could mean snow season for snowboarding, skiing, etc.

I’m at that point of the hunting season where everyone is not aloud to hunt. Which allows all the deer to mate, have little Bambi deers and live happily ever after…until Bambi’s mother gets her head blown off by “man” entering the forest. This metaphor seems to make sense up until the multiplying of deer and the head blown off is a bit much…

“Closed for Season” this where I’ve been the past three weeks. Well until Monday….

 Confession number one: I had sex Monday night. With a previous hook-up from last fall. The random drunk hook-up, where I kind of remember. This time I remembered more…cool. This guy is definitly just a hook-up for me. We do get along, we are friends and we have a good time but this one is clearly and always will be just sex, which I’m %100 ok with. Why am I ok with just sex with this one? I don’t think I will ever really understand or answer this question clearly. I have no answer here.

Confession number two: I met up with another past hook-up Tuesday night. We didn’t have sex and that was definitely a struggle for me. Because this guy….oh hot damn does he know what to do. Also I’m pretty positive he could be reading this…..and I know I had sex with someone on Monday and didn’t have sex with you last night. I know exactly what you would say to me, so no need to say it. haha. (This is directed to you, “Damn your good at what your do, so don’t give me that, because it was really hard to not have sex and I can’t say I won’t when I get back to Peoria two months from now.”) haha

Why have a chosen to not have sex with certain people and ok with others?

Reason number one: The guy I slept with on Monday, like I’ve said before, he is just a hook up. I have no other conncetion then a hook-up from him.

 Other guys: After the asshole and bruiser, I have been feeling very used.

(Used isn’t my favorite word in this instance, but it’s the best word to describe the situation.) More so after asshole but bruiser hasn’t left me much hope when it comes to guys too, but I thought that even if asshole and I hadn’t worked out, we would have still became friends. Of course he preferred to disappear all together.

This has left me filling used, slutty and very alone. Now left here with guys, that are friends as well but I carry the same fear of being used for sex.  This is what I feel with this guy. I’m not saying a have any huge feelings for him, because I barley know him, but I have ended liking him more then a fuck and leave situation. Believe me, this was the last thing I ever imagenie would happen with this guy. Never even thought about sleeping with him. But I am, laying in his bed, in his shower making out and it has been a long time since I’ve enjoyed kissing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this turned on from kissing in a long time.

The fingers through my hair, the kissing of my neck. *Biggest turn on for me* And the kissing of my breast *yet another huge turn on* it’s been a long time since I’ve really just enjoyed these moments, this pre-sex bliss. Then came the moment I decided not to have sex with him. Simply I fear to be used again for sex. I want to know I matter more to someone, even if that is just a good friend.

 Craving deep in my heart right now you be held, to matter to someone.

To see all my guy friends, the way they speak about their girlfriends, the way they speak about the woman they are seeing. Telling me how beautiful she is, how amazing the sex is, how hot she are, how sweet, loving, and how extraordinary talented and bright she is. Geez, I don’t think I have ever had a man say all those wonderful things to others about me or say all those wonderful things to my face.

That’s what I want.

I want to hear wonderful things about me:

About my eyes, hair, hands, freckles, back dimples, my finger prints

 I know I am beautiful. I know I am talented beyond my wildest dreams.  I know I am a sweet, nice girl. I know all these things. Sometimes though, a girl wants to hear it from a guy. Who will look at her so deeply that she feels like she is the only one in the room.

I want to be the only one in the room…

This is what I crave right now and this is why I have stopped myself, well most of the time from having sex with certain guys.

So…here I am. Sitting on an airplane thats headed back to California.

Finally realizing something else…this is the second time I’ve been back since my huge break-up with Vanllia thrilla and around April of last year is when this all started, when he started cheating on me with this other woman. This is when everything in my life kicked into first gear.

This is when my life began to change, before I even knew it.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, Home, Life, Love, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, Struggles

Thursday Afternoon Confessions

-My hair is so fucking soft right now. I wish I could just take off all my clothes and roll around in my bed, naked, long red hair, soft, heaven.

-I need a good dark beer right now. (Better for writing)

-There’s this guy I think is one of the biggest dorks I’ve ever met but damn he’s hot and funny.  Interested. Not sure its reciprocal or not yet. Oh I will figure that one out.

-I haven’t had sex since september

-Last time I had sex…ok I don’t remember much of it. I was drunk.

-I’m in a flirty mood today

-I didn’t wear underwear yesterday. Commando, hot.

-I’m going to change my outfit one more time, into a different dress.

-I want to go out on a date

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