Category Archives: Thankful

Saturday Night

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This last Saturday was my 30th performance reading my poetry. Not only was this my 30th show but March was the month my writing came to life and was the month I performed my work for the first time ever a year ago.

I couldn’t have asked for a better performance on Saturday night. It was wonderful, I felt wonderful, the room was amazing and its finally hit me. All these dreams I’ve been having really finally hit me and tonight sitting in my room I really do feel like a different person and all the things I want to write about, all the things I want to fight for now. Everything is just rushing at me so quickly and I’m so in love with these feelings and this beautiful woman.

I am so excited to this woman that’s been slowly creeping out of my skin. ( I know that sounds rather weird) These past few months have been so painful and I’ve cried so much.

But gosh this woman that’s been making appearances this last few days, I’m so happy and so excited to feel more of this energy and how much my spirit is filling so hungry and so fulfilled.

Can’t wait for what else of myself is ready to make it’s self known.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, good energy, Hope, Life, my writing, poetry, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe

Egg Shells

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I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.

*Breaking out of my shell*

That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling  irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.

To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”

I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?

God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.

There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.

Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.

And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a  strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.

I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.

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Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe

My Spirited Heart

It’s been rather snowy few months here in the Midwest. It’s almost like the Midwest knew I was going back to California in the spring and wanted to make sure I had the full Midwest snow experience. (Thanks)

January/February has been a mix of stress, peaceful meditation and moments like the ones I’m experiencing today. Blissful happy and sad memories.

You see I’m working on my second chapbook for my workshop class. I’ve decided to focus on my past relationships. I think it’s about time I’m honest with some of the most intimate moments of my life that involve sex, men and my feelings towards being a woman and growing up feeling like an object of sex. Today I worked on two wonderful new little poems and I’m very excited about both of them.

As of right now I’m very single.

Yes I was talking to and went out on a few dates with this engineer guy but it was a looks better on paper kind of deal. I just have no attention to him. I don’t lay in bed wanting him near me, if anything it’s frustrating that he has tried to meet up with me…a little to needy for my taste.

And I would love to get laid, but let’s be real that’s not going to happen. I’m rather tired of the hook-up.

There is someone I’m crushing on but I’m sure he just views me as a friend. (I hope that’s not true) But it’s more than likely is true…that he doesn’t like me in that way.

I’ve been very into the film Spirited Away lately.

Why? I don’t know. I just have.

I have been feeling very connected to films like Spirited Away, Coraline and Pan’s Labyrinth.

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I’m ready to go home soon

Ready to look at MFA programs for my poetry and I’m ready to meet someone whose going to be everything I could never write about.

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Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dating, Dreams, Life, Love, Meditation, my writing, poetry, school, Thankful, thoughts, universe, What do you want in a man

How do you…

How do you thank someone who has done so much for you?

So much that I don’t think they will ever fully understand how much they have done for me.

I am so thankful for my professor. I don’t know where I would be today if not for stumbling into my spring poetry workshop last year. Gosh I owe him everything.

He has been an extraordinary professor. And I’m very sad this is the last semester I’m going to be working with him as a student. Because this last year and a half has been amazing for me.

To say I struggle in school would be an understatement. I have never been a very good student. As hard as I’ve tried I have struggled a lot and I have far too many memories of messing up in school. Too many tears and too many times I’ve hidden facts about myself to friends. Because I don’t want to appear as stupid.

For once in my life I feel like I’m apart of the education community instead of out-of-place. I feel like I belong and I can hold my own not only in my poetry workshops but in all my classes.

It’s hard to express over the internet how huge of a feeling this is for me.

I cry every time I think about it.

Every time I think about much I use to pray as this 7-year-old kid asking God to make me like everyone like. Make me not stupid.

It’s taken me a long time to figure out why I’ve ended up the way I have.

I don’t use the normal route like everyone else. It’s taken a long time to be happy with the fact that  I learn differently. There are times will I still break down and I still get mad at myself. But I’ve gotten better now.

I’ve found a voice and a place where I belong. I am so grateful.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I was a little kid in first grade reading Cat and Dog. The one book I remember as a child because I remember picking that book because it was the only one I could read. Or on kindergarten visit day I would have my buddy kindergartener read the books because they could read better than me and I didn’t want them to find out.

It’s been a long road and it amazes me how young I was and I still knew something felt off about myself.

And that’s what’s wrong with the education system. The fact that I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t smart enough. Finally I’ve realized how many gifts I have and the many gifts that have developed due to my learning disability.

I am so grateful for the woman I am today.

I am so grateful for all the amazing teachers I’ve been given throughout my education. Without them I would not be the person I am today. That is the moment I believe there must be something out there in the universe taking care of us. Because it’s not by accident that I was given all these wonderful teachers and these wonderful parents to hold my hand and help me through my greatest struggles and tears.

Oh my goodness I am overwhelmed with such strength and love.

This is why I want to be a teacher.

Thank you to my teachers.

Thank you to my parents.

Thank you.

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Filed under about me, Family, My Chapbook, reading, school, Sleep, Struggles, Teachers, Thankful, thoughts, universe, Words

Feeling more and more like the self I’ve been searching for

Post written a week ago (Rough Draft of my Chapbook)

I’m trying really hard not to cry at my favorite coffee shop right now as I read my professors wonderful notes about my chapbook.

Gosh I am so lucky to have such an amazing professor working with me and I’m so sad this is going to be the last semester I get to work with him. I know we will have a continuing friendship and he’ll always be there to over look my poetry but gosh I’m going to miss working with him.

If is wasn’t for him I would have never discovered poetry. If not for stumbling into his class I would have never found poetry, never found this voice and I think I still be struggling a lot in my classes. I’ve become this straight A student now (Deans List), which is something I only ever dreamed of.

So I’m trying really hard not to cry right now as I read these extremely helpful notes.

Over the course of these two weeks I have felt more at home with myself. I don’t know if that’s exactly what I want to say. But I feel so comfortable in my own skin. I’m so damn happy.

Of course I still have bad days. But I seem to find myself looking less and less at article titled, “things to do single, things every women to strive for.”

Instead I make my own lists now. More like what I want to eat and what movie I should watch next.

I’m also fortunate I’m in love with my poetry in this moment. Which is nice because I’ve been so upset at my work these last few weeks, but today I so at peace. Maybe it’s because I bought 7 different bottles of lotion at Bath and Body Works. (There was huge sale) I also bought a candle.

I also went on a date yesterday. Post to come soon about that.

In this moment I’m feeling blissful and warm-hearted.

Gosh I am so thankful for this warmth.

Because I created it all on my own.

And as I finish up this post…finally (I’ve been rather busy this week with my poetry) I can now say I’m done with my first Chapbook. I started this bad boy last summer and after many drafts, many different poems and a lot of wine I can say I’m done. Of course I know it will need more work. (When is anything ever really done…

But I’m so goddamn happy right now and I’m hungry.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Dating, FOOD, Hope, Life, My Chapbook, my writing, poetry, school, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Ugly Sweater Epiphany

This last week/weekend has mustered a lot of light bulb moments. A lot of realizations and for once being thankful for certain situation not panning out.

Saturday night wearing all black at a very “midwestern” ugly sweater party I sit with my best friends Valerie drinking some very nice cheap wine and I watch these guys, the ones I’ve almost dated and hear about other’s I’ve dated and what they up to now. As I’m watching and hearing all this play out I realize I’m so thankful I’m not with any of these guys.

And I think about all the times each guy I’ve been with and has left me standing here alone, I think about what each of them has said to me, “from you deserve better, you love too much, you’re amazing.” I’ve always written these line sin my poetry as painful cliche lines that guys place upon women and this could still be true and I could be just acting silly but I rather start to think about these lines as hell yeah I am too good for you!

I much rather sit down in this chair, drinking wine, watching these guys who couldn’t handle a woman like me and be grateful that each of them realized I wasn’t the one for them because there is someone out there who I’m much more suited for and will not only sit with me and talk about my day but will run along side of me with not only my passion but their’s too. (Ok now I sound like a cheesy chocolate or ring commercial)

I much rather say things like that, then I’m never going to find someone. And you know what maybe I don’t find someone. Maybe no one is good enough for me.

I think it’s about damn time I set my standards high, because I’m a beautiful, caring, talented young woman. And hell yeah I’m going to still fuck it up and date the dumb ass loser who is going to break my heart, because I throw myself into situation fast and hard but I don’t care. I’m going to cry, I’m going to go buy some cake mix and wine and cry in the shower. Then I’m going to write a poem about, because shit this bullshit guy stuff sucks but at least I get a good poem out of it.

So to the guy that’s out there somewhere waiting for me (Lets hope your real and not just a piece of cake I’m imaging) lets hope you run into me soon or hit your head and realize you want to run with someone like me, ok maybe not actually running, because its icy in Peoria right now and I slip walking. Here’s to hoping this man realizes he can’t spend the rest of his life without.

Until then, I’ll drinking wine

(Not like that’s going to stop once I met someone)

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Filed under Being a woman, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, good energy, Hope, Love, Thankful

Rosie

There is no easy way or time to find out the loss of a childhood pet. Last night my parents called and my dad told me they had taken Rosie down to the vet and put her to sleep. She wasn’t eating anymore and basically starving herself. She was 21 years old and was a best friend to me.

Two years ago we our dog (Rascal) was also put down. Rosie was the last of my childhood pets still alive. She has been around almost all of my life and I grew up having her around. When my dog Sassy died, this beautiful Kerry Blue Terrier that I sadly witness get hit by a car I will never forget that night. I was very young and sitting in the hall way with my mom. I was worried Sassy wasn’t going to come home and my mom looked at me and said, “Well, you still have your kitty.”

Rosie has always been there for me. Through nights crying about struggles in school to adolescent break ups Rosie was there. I will never forget one night I was crying and she jumped up on the bed and sat next to me and licked me. She and I were really connected. I guess sharing a bedroom together can do that to you.

And this is the thing, I’m really sad and I’m trying really hard to not cry right now as I write this in my favorite coffee shop and I may be really sad but I’m also really happy because I have so many wonderful memories of my kitty cat. We had a blast together and I think I’m so compassionate and such a big animal lover because of my childhood animals so I couldn’t ask for anything more of them.

It’s hard living so far away from home. I miss home so much right now but I don’t if I could have handle being there. I wonder if they put her down on Thursday or Friday last week because I just had the worst energy feeling then and cried for one reason. I wonder if the heart and soul can feel a friend pass away…

Goodbye best friend. I’m not going to say rest in peace, because well first you were a pampered little diva of a cat and got plenty of rest and second I know that were ever you are now you are happy and you are safe.

Love you Rosie.

I will always miss you and you will always be in my heart.

I’m so thankful you were part of my life, especially growing up.

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Filed under Beautiful, Cats, Family, Feeling Lost, Friends, Home, Life, My kitty cat, Thankful, thoughts, universe