Tag Archives: boys

It’s Wednesday Night and I just did a shot of tequila

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Last night and tonight I have been celebrating getting published a second time (two poems) as well as winning American Poets prize at my college. So lots of drinks and one step closer to being done with my undergrad.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do after graduation. Sure I’ll be working back at my old high school as a speech coach. But damn I’m dying for the idea of MFA. Then I’m worried and nervous about the idea because everyone makes the idea so insane and difficult. I’m not sure if I’m meant for it. But deep down I’m craving for the idea of it.

We shall see.

Dating is well non-exist and I like it to be that.

This one younger guy in town likes me and has been speaking to me but he’s all over the place. Drinks a lot, doesn’t have friends, play video games and plays these weird ass games. He’s a mature person in moments and then a young immature child a lot of the time. I was thinking about having a quick roll in the hay but the more I think about it the more I’m like ehh. For example he likes to pull this stunt of, “well I won’t contact you until you talk to me first.”

And I’m like are we in middle school again? Plus I think its insulting to me as a person to feel the need to play games with me. Also he needs to learn to groom his beard too.

At this point these little things are just not ok anymore and I want more. I deserve more than games, pride and lack of maturity.

Each night as I’m falling in sleep I whisper in between the eyes no longer staying open and the breathing settling down I say aloud, “I’m falling in love with myself.”

I don’t want anymore and I’m very content. But I know this will not make a few people very happy that I feel this way but those who don’t understand are men I shouldn’t be with.

I’m so restless at the moment. I need to stretch, shake off the molting and expand my wings.

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Filed under about me, Dating, Dreams, Drinking, Hope, Life, my writing, poetry, school

I’ll take this post with a side of bitter and a cup of pissed off

I did one of these awhile ago. I will admit these can be rather trivial, silly and a bit sexist in certain aspects but sometimes a girl just has to set a few rules and expectations.

For most of my young adult, which hasn’t been that long yet I have been silly with the qualities I’m looking for in a man, until recently when I was like, “UGH I”M SICK OF ALL THIS!” (I will purpose the sexist cliché idea that I am bitter and on my period right now.”

(These are blunt, honest and I’m not sorry)

  • No drugs. I’m over the pot smoking, ecstasy and lines of “nose candy” bullshit. You once smoked, fine I don’t care and understand I have a terrible addiction to Dr. Pepper and the TV Show Grey’s Anatomy. We will have our vices, but I’m over dealing with men that use substances to create art, to have fun or to basically get through the day.
  • Drinking too much. Look I’m a fun gal, I get drunk, I enjoy it, shit I write everyday and sometimes a glass of wine is needed. But hearing someone is drinking everyday, three beers a day. I’m sorry but its a turn off. I don’t need to get drunk twice a week. Shit barley once a month to have the craving of, “I wanna get wasted.”
  • Using the word “Ghetto.” I’m over it and done.
  • Not supporting my right of choice. Look if you don’t believe in it, fine that’s your freedom but don’t expect to date me.
  • Grammar correction. Over it. I get it you notice when people have spelling mistakes or grammar issues. You need to get a life and worry about your own language and the lack of quality within it.
  • A man who enjoys cooking, because I’m going to blunt and honest. I don’t cook and I don’t have the patience for it. So it would be lovely to date a man who enjoys cooking.
  • Has a car: for too long have a been the one in the relationship driving us everywhere
  • Who will pay for dinner. Look I’ll buy too but for too long have I been the sole provider of meals. Over it.
  • Dresses like their age.
  • No racist, sexist, homophobic comments
  • I hate “no homo”
  • Calling another women a bitch, slut, the over million derogatory  terms is not ok. If you think about other women like that then how should I expect you to picture me or women in my life.
  • Saying things about me like, too fat, too thin. I’m tired of the too much or the not enough.
  • If they are in love with an art form, oh gosh that be lovely. I haven’t date many artists. More the frat boys, the runners and a few choir boys.
  • I love when someone has future goals and aspirations but whats more attractive  is when someone actually achieves their dreams and goals. I’ve dated too many men that have spat on about “going back to school” “getting that place to live” blah blah blah Stop talking and go out and get what you want.
  • I hate,  I HATE when a guy asks me why all my poetry is so angry. Gosh that’s so rude.
  • Have a passion and love it to pieces
  • Don’t dislike the TV show Friends. Regardless if you’re a fan or not. It’s such a red flag when you have such a hate for it. What did the TV ever do to you? Oh that’s right you must not have a soul.
  • Turn off #1 when a guy says, “I hate books.”  I’m fine if you’re not a fan but if you can’t tell me one book you enjoyed reading, like Harry Potter even…then we have a problem!
  • When men post pictures of naked women on their Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or anywhere! Ugh I hate it. Nasty.
  • Not having a career
  • Too much video game playing. I don’t mind the video game playing here and there but when that’s all you do…I’m sorry just not going to work for me.
  • They have their own set of friends and spend time with them. I think of it as a red flag when a guy really just goes to work, home and well that’s it. They have no one else in their life.
  • Talking down to me
  • Acting like you are Gods gift to art, ugh I know a few of these boys in my workshops *yuck*
  • When men use the phrase “ugh i hate academia” First of all if you’re using academia you are in academia. And whats wrong with the pursuit of education, but that’s going to be another post
  • Don’t tell me you’re not good enough for me, because I’ll realize, “hmm you’re right…see yea!”

Ok this is all I could think of and I’m not as bitter not that I have had wine and ice cream but I’ll think of more!

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Filed under Asshole, Confessions, Dating, for fun, List, single girl problems, What do you want in a man, WTF?

He’s not calling, the routine I have endured.

I am exhausted.

By the series of actions, words and events men have placed upon my heart. The cheesy lines, the declaring of how amazingly beautiful, smart and strong I am. And the ever popular activity that’s been happen to me far too often the last year, just disappearing altogether without so much as a goodbye.

And I have become exhausted, drying out, bent over below shower heads.

At the end of the day I’m hurt. I’m always on the rim of giving up on finding the moments of someone who is ready to not disappoint me. To be honest after this week and if this night ends where I believe its going I think I’m ready to cleanse myself. You know what, I’m going to cleanse myself this weekend and really consider no dating for a while because this body is about to give way, about to fall to the floor.

I don’t know how much of this I can handle.

But I get it. I’m beautiful, I’m strong, a gifted, talented woman. I’m just not the one for you.

I’m glad we have made this clear time and time again. And I’m glad to hope that someday I will thank God I didn’t end up with your dumb ass.

Until then my heart is exhausted and filled up to the brim and I’m not sure how much more I can carry at this moment before everything spills over.

This is my routine the steps of becoming heart-broken too many times. Letting others affect me and letting them get away with it.

This is the routine I have become. The beautiful girl, super cool, talented, a sweetheart. Just not enough for someone to want to spend their time on. Or perhaps I’m too much….this is what I tell myself.

The routine of the inner monologue I play through the day, “I’m too strong and they all just can’t handle this love.”

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Confessions, Dating, Hope, Life, Love, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts, trust

Late Night Messages From Boys

As I work late into the night memorizing my poems for this Thursday day poetry event that I’m going to be featured in, he messages me, “The one that has a thing for red heads.”

Messages me on Facebook asking me to drive 45 minutes to go see him. To make out with him, to be naked but no sex, because he’s waiting for marragie. Which I don’t fully understand when I’m bent down giving you head but ok…that’s your forte.

But the fact remains that it hits me, “I am just his warm body pillow.” Because he hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks and out of the blue he decides to message me at 12:15 and see if I will drive over to see him.

And the fact remains he has never driven to see me.

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One Year

Thank goodness I don’t remember the extact date I found out my boyfriend of almost four years was cheating on me, but I do remember it was between the 14th-20th.

It’s been a year, I got through a year and probably one of the hardest and most beautiful years of my life thus far.

I feel like I’m an alcoholic or a drug addict celebrating my one year of sobriety. I guess they would maybe call it, “celibate.”

Of course I was naked for must of last fall and this spring with various men, so I was very far from being celibate….so far and so naked from being celibate.

This has been a tough year, lots of tears, for not only my ex who cheated on me but for other boys I thought were men, thought they could love me, thought they could fit into my life. And it just took me some time to realize that I was just too farer along in life then they were and they were too scared, too nervous to love someone like me.

I’ve had to learn to really love myself, love myself deep down into my own poetry and realize the moments I feel lonely, are the moments I am closests to my poetry.

I feel as though I am just randomly moving through my thoughts in this post but I don’t feel as though I have a chronically order for my feelings with this past week. Maybe beside feeling like I’m part of alcoholics anonymous I also feel like I lost my arm last year and its the one year anvery of the accident and I barley even notice my arm is even misisng anymore.

All I am left with is wondering if I have ever really been in love with someone. I’m starting to wonder if I ever was and now thats all I’m craving. I’m so hungry for love, for someone to lay down with and just kiss and smile with till the sunrise.

Dang….do I miss having a man wrap his arms around me.

Have I even had a man wrap his arms around me?

 

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Filed under Dating, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Life, Love, sex, Struggles, thoughts

Closed For the Season? (Condoms and other miscellaneous items on my dresser)

Cali (Home)

Sitting on a departing American Airlines flight that will be heading towards California in a matter of minutes, I look out the window. The terminal slowly moves out of view and my fingers curl over plastic arm rests, my heart races and only one thought comes to mind, “shit I should have had sex last night.” What follows can only be describe as the aftermath of a late night party foul. I continue to repeat in my mind, “well there goes sex for a while, and what were you thinking Sally!” With realization setting in, I begin to feel like a recovering heron addict.

I’m rethinking this whole “Closed for season.”

“Closed for Season” Basically means I’ve chosen to compare myself as hunting season. Or like one of my close friends pointed out could mean snow season for snowboarding, skiing, etc.

I’m at that point of the hunting season where everyone is not aloud to hunt. Which allows all the deer to mate, have little Bambi deers and live happily ever after…until Bambi’s mother gets her head blown off by “man” entering the forest. This metaphor seems to make sense up until the multiplying of deer and the head blown off is a bit much…

“Closed for Season” this where I’ve been the past three weeks. Well until Monday….

 Confession number one: I had sex Monday night. With a previous hook-up from last fall. The random drunk hook-up, where I kind of remember. This time I remembered more…cool. This guy is definitly just a hook-up for me. We do get along, we are friends and we have a good time but this one is clearly and always will be just sex, which I’m %100 ok with. Why am I ok with just sex with this one? I don’t think I will ever really understand or answer this question clearly. I have no answer here.

Confession number two: I met up with another past hook-up Tuesday night. We didn’t have sex and that was definitely a struggle for me. Because this guy….oh hot damn does he know what to do. Also I’m pretty positive he could be reading this…..and I know I had sex with someone on Monday and didn’t have sex with you last night. I know exactly what you would say to me, so no need to say it. haha. (This is directed to you, “Damn your good at what your do, so don’t give me that, because it was really hard to not have sex and I can’t say I won’t when I get back to Peoria two months from now.”) haha

Why have a chosen to not have sex with certain people and ok with others?

Reason number one: The guy I slept with on Monday, like I’ve said before, he is just a hook up. I have no other conncetion then a hook-up from him.

 Other guys: After the asshole and bruiser, I have been feeling very used.

(Used isn’t my favorite word in this instance, but it’s the best word to describe the situation.) More so after asshole but bruiser hasn’t left me much hope when it comes to guys too, but I thought that even if asshole and I hadn’t worked out, we would have still became friends. Of course he preferred to disappear all together.

This has left me filling used, slutty and very alone. Now left here with guys, that are friends as well but I carry the same fear of being used for sex.  This is what I feel with this guy. I’m not saying a have any huge feelings for him, because I barley know him, but I have ended liking him more then a fuck and leave situation. Believe me, this was the last thing I ever imagenie would happen with this guy. Never even thought about sleeping with him. But I am, laying in his bed, in his shower making out and it has been a long time since I’ve enjoyed kissing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this turned on from kissing in a long time.

The fingers through my hair, the kissing of my neck. *Biggest turn on for me* And the kissing of my breast *yet another huge turn on* it’s been a long time since I’ve really just enjoyed these moments, this pre-sex bliss. Then came the moment I decided not to have sex with him. Simply I fear to be used again for sex. I want to know I matter more to someone, even if that is just a good friend.

 Craving deep in my heart right now you be held, to matter to someone.

To see all my guy friends, the way they speak about their girlfriends, the way they speak about the woman they are seeing. Telling me how beautiful she is, how amazing the sex is, how hot she are, how sweet, loving, and how extraordinary talented and bright she is. Geez, I don’t think I have ever had a man say all those wonderful things to others about me or say all those wonderful things to my face.

That’s what I want.

I want to hear wonderful things about me:

About my eyes, hair, hands, freckles, back dimples, my finger prints

 I know I am beautiful. I know I am talented beyond my wildest dreams.  I know I am a sweet, nice girl. I know all these things. Sometimes though, a girl wants to hear it from a guy. Who will look at her so deeply that she feels like she is the only one in the room.

I want to be the only one in the room…

This is what I crave right now and this is why I have stopped myself, well most of the time from having sex with certain guys.

So…here I am. Sitting on an airplane thats headed back to California.

Finally realizing something else…this is the second time I’ve been back since my huge break-up with Vanllia thrilla and around April of last year is when this all started, when he started cheating on me with this other woman. This is when everything in my life kicked into first gear.

This is when my life began to change, before I even knew it.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, Home, Life, Love, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, Struggles

Heres to hoping my dreams come true

I am currently in the throes of working on numerous papers and studying for an exam that will be on Friday but I thought I would take some time out of my night to write a little bit on my blog. Especially with the thoughts flowing through my head at the moment.

I’ve officially been saying I’m “Closed for Season.” Meaning I’ve decided to not have anymore causal hook-ups. I’m closed for the summer. Going to take a break from sex and take away all the energy I use up on boys. Of course this is all easier said then done. Especially when there are definitely guys I have my eye on and would kill to be with. Then again I must remind myself do I want another hook up situation like the ass hole guy. Do I want my heart-broken again, do I want to feel the warmth of someone and watch that just simply disappear? I don’t know if I can handle that. Plus along with these issues, I also have the painful issue of understanding that I think a few people just want me for a fuck. Walls can be thin when people walk around in this world.

Which leads me to another thought as I sit on her my bed. I dream of moments. No joke I spelt in an extra hour today because I was dreaming of a magical date, a magical laying naked in bed, of course had no one in mind, so a fictional lover, but I have this day dreams a lot. Tonight my dream is someone will open my door run up to me and kiss me passionately and I will wake up to them laying besides me in the morning. Gosh, I really want someone to just step up to the plate and kiss me so hard and passionately.

I don’t believe that will happen anytime soon. A girl can dream right?

Going to bed tonight, hoping to have another romantic dream. These cute little dreams are what keep me going most nights and probably why I have been so calm and relax.

But damn do I crave having a man lay next to me in my bed with the fans breeze hitting our bodies. Him kissing my neck all the way down to my back dimples and me smiling into his eyes.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, thoughts