Tag Archives: relationships

No more dating for awhile

I’ve been in this mood since January where I don’t want a relationship.  I even get rather irritated when I even imagine being in one.

I feel rather silly about this because looking through so many of my posts where I crave for someone, where I’m dying to be close to someone and now I’m like ugh I don’t want any of that. Which is sad because I’ve had many offers when it comes to dating and I just don’t want any of it right now.

I like my poetry and myself. Rather stick with just my work for a while. I think I need that and I deserve that. I’ve spent too much of my young adult life caring for another person instead of caring for a craft.

It’s my turn and no one is getting in the way this time.

Geez, I sound rather grumpy and blah.

But I don’ t care, because I’m happy with working alone everyday. Nothing gives me more energy and happiness than what my writing gives me.

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Filed under Dating, poetry, single girl problems, thoughts, venting

When I was Comfortable

I’ve been reminiscing a lot recently about my past relationship with Thrilla, ok maybe  reminiscing isn’t the right word. Because it’s far from an enjoyable recollection of past events. I guess I’ve been examining the past. Trying to figure out what went wrong, finally past that point of blaming myself, blaming my sex and blaming the charm.

Last Thursday I went Iowa to perform my work, which is another story but I will add I did get paid and I got feed. It was like two of my favorite things, getting feed and paid to perform. But any ways I was sitting in this very crapped car and looking out the window something hit me, nothing physically hit me (thank goodness) but a strong thought within hit me upside the head,

“When I was with Thrilla I was so comfortable.”

I suppose this is nothing new to the never-ending stream of thoughts I have about this very failed relationship, but this is a thought I look at differently now. Right before I fell asleep last night I wrote this down in my notes on my cellphone.

I think comfortable is the worse word you can use in a relationship. It’s the first of numerous red flags that mean a relationship is ending.

I should have seen it coming, after I used the word I’m comfortable with my boyfriend. “I don’t know what I would do without him.”

No one should ever feel like this. Now I know a few people will get upset by me stating this, will say hey! Wait a minute! I’ve been a long healthy comfortable relationship or you’ll tell me you’ve been married for years now. I’m not trying to say this word is the end all be all but what I’m trying to point out is, there are better words in the English langauge then saying your relationship is comfortable.

If my ex (Thrilla) and I had made it one more month it would have been four years together and when he left me for another women, my life was shattered and I didn’t know what piece to pick up first.

But, if he hadn’t left me and hadn’t left me in such a final way that I knew we would never be  intimate or a couple again, I may have never started writing. I would have this blog. I wouldn’t think of myself as beautiful and I wouldn’t have all these wonderful friends and I wouldn’t have been in that car going to Iowa, because now of my poems would be written, especially the ones written about my failed relationship. I wouldn’t have my chapbook, I have experienced that on my own skin.

And I wouldn’t be craving for real love. Because I was comfortable.

It was April 2012, I was sitting with a friend in her living room. I had just found email messages of Thrilla and the other woman. They weren’t bad enough to worry but they sent a red flag up. I remember my back resting along this leather sofa, the one that seemed to stick to skin and in between the struggle of the sofa I spoke up to my friend, “I’m so comfortable with Thrilla, I don’t know what I would do without him.”

That was the first time I used comfortable in our relationship and in that same month Thrilla and her started their relantionship. And mine ended.

But, I do now know what I would do without him…

I’m better off. More than better off, I’m thriving.

And I don’t ever want to be comfortable again with someone. I rather be: happy, busy, smiling, holding, powerful, eating, sleeping, naked, sweating, hiking, writing, learning, dancing, singing, loving, enriching, beautiful, natural, spontaneous, transforming with someone.

I will never need or be comfortable with someone again.

I’m so thankful for this lesson.

Iowa

The view from the car on my way to Iowa.

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Filed under Beautiful, Ex-boyfriends, Life, Love, Message in the clouds, thoughts, universe

Leave this life so shattered

Life has definitely happened since the last time I put up a post. Somethings have changed for the good, others for the worse and some are continuing to stress me out to the point my chest is feels like cement.

First of all, my work. I’m tired of the battle, of the fight/games between co-workers. On Sunday I decided to step up and let go of the hurt, the pain of losing a friendship. I sat back and realized that if I want this job someday its time I start acting like it. It was time I stepped it up and showed how much I love my job and how grown up I’ve become. Plus I’m so thankful for my wonderful boss. I don’t think he will ever understand how much of an influence he has been in my life; he is my mentor and my dear friend. It’s safe to say I’m feeling much better about work and I’m actually in the progress of working on a project for my job, which is going to make life a bit stressful for a week but I love stress like that. MORE PLEASE! (Not joking, I really do love that kind of stress!)

I realized today how wonderful my friends are. I’m so thankful and lucky to have them in my life! Damn, I love my best friends. They are what keeps me going and without them life would be a lot more stressful and difficult to get through. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

The guy I’ve been seeing came home Sunday from spring break. I have yet to see him and he seems to be “busy.” I’m going to believe that he is truly “busy.” But it’s hard and I’m not going to lie, I think he’s seeing someone else/lost interest in me. This is a weakness I’m learning about. I have a hard time with the unknown. I just want to know whats going on, because I not only haven’t seen him but he has barely text me back. I don’t know why this is making my chest heavy. I’m trying to make sense of why this is hurting  so much. My friend Tina asked me these questions trying to help me find out last night at the bar.

Tina: Do you think you’re not good enough?
Me: No
Tina: Do you think it’s your fault
Me: No
Tina: Are you worried about being cheated on?
Me: I assume that everyone has the capable of cheating on me and I’ve been cheated on so much now that I don’t think it will affect me in the same way. So no.
 

Laying in bed two nights ago I wrote this,

How do you get over the feeling that someone is going to leave you? I don’t know how.

I think I’m scared of people leaving me after I’ve invested so much of my love, my heart, my caring energy on them. I give a lot in relationships and I do this at the very start in a relationship too. I wear my emotions of my sleeve. I haven’t been able to stop this and I don’t think I want to, because I think that’s a gift of mine; how loving I am. But its hard for me to watch someone go and try to go back to how my life use to be. Its like they have died and I must figure out how to go on without them there to hold me.

Maybe that’s my problem, I’m too dependent on having people in my life and when they leave me I come crashing down. Because right now I’m sitting in the car before the crash, before the crunch of metal and everything is in slow mo. I’m waiting for the crunch of this guy to walk off without me. I like him. Right not I’m doing the usual  female issue. I’m coming up with all these excuses for why he is not calling, not texting, not wanting to see me. But like the author Greg Behrendt says, “He’s just not that into you.” Those are the six little words in the back of my mind right now. Then past relationship, past men who come back into the fore front of my mind and I remember all the men that have left me and all have said, “You are such a sweet girl and I don’t want to hurt someone like you.”

So I’m now here. At the moment where I have text him and he hasn’t text back so now I shall sit and wait to see what will happen. My gut is telling me this is not going to work out, but is this really my gut or me scared to be hurt again?  Or is this me scared and over reacting and everything is just fine and he is really just busy. Maybe I’m simply not ready to feel the pain of losing someone again, because I know he would want to be friends but I know I can’t and this has been the case with everyone I’ve been with. From Pita to the best sex I’ve ever had. I told each of them I couldn’t be friends, not for a while anyway. Now best sex guy and I are good friends and this has led me to believe he has always cared about me, but Pita guy this is not the case and I understand now I was really nothing in his life. So I’m in this moment of “waiting.” But maybe that should be my sign. I want to be with someone who will text me as soon as they get back into town and someone who will see me, even if it’s just for an hour. I need that in my life, I need the extra mile from a guy and I don’t think this guy can give me that, because I do know I am a beautiful, smart women and even greater I have such a huge heart and a huge capability to forgive and to care for others. I need a man in my life who will never make me feel worried they will leave. I need this. Maybe what is hurting me so much is that I realize I need to cut it off. That I need to cut it off because I’m not receiving what I need.

God that hurts my heart to say that right now. 

What hurts so much right now is the fact that I just want to find the love of my life, I want them here right now, in front of my eyes, I want them to hold me, to make all my past pain disappear with their arms. I want to walk into my coffee shop with my computer, my books and a guy will look up and see me, simply who I am. Then he will fall in love with my freckles, my smile and the rest is the outwards breath of everything will be ok now, you can let go now. I want a mad hungry, thirsty kind of love. Of not being able to take our eyes off each other and I want to hear the passion of life not only in my voice but in the voice of another that loves me as passionately as they love the sound of the rain falling above their roof.

My God I want to breath again to the point I cough up all the past. I’m becoming impatient looking for him and I’m starting to lose all hope of ever meeting him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote the past few days:

I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart.
Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my flying parts.”
― Andrea Gibson

Tonight I must remind myself:

I am strong

I am Beautiful

I am resilient

I am a women that deserve the best out of love and more importantly out of life

(But shit do I feel so lost in my heart right now and I feel so unsure and out-of-place in dating.)

Help.

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Filed under Dating, Feeling Lost, Help, Life, Love, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

Spring Break Rolls On

Rolling Stones and my hair

The top five songs I’ve been listening to this week as I write:

  1. California by Chris Pureka
  2. Sloppy Seconds by Watsky
  3. Ay Chico (Lengua Afuera) by Pitbull
  4. Blackbird by Paul McCartney
  5. Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore

Weird addictions of the week:

  1. Needing to use my Coca-Cola chap stick everywhere I go, my lips have been so dry.

Spring break is almost over and it’s been interesting to say the least. Spent time with my wonderful best friends, finally got some sleep and I’ve had some of the most vivid dreams ever. I’m not going to go on and on about them or the really intense one I had on Sunday because I hear that people get annoyed at those of us who talk about are dreams, so I’ll simply say these dreams have connected myself spiritually to my mind, my body, and the energy I love to fill up on. These dreams were much needed.

The Guy I’m short of seeing is out of town this week, he’s in Miami, FL working with Habitat for Humanity . So we haven’t had sex since he left on Saturday, which means my friend Tina made brownies last night and stated “Your sex deprived, you need desserts and cats!” Thanks Tina. Actually I’m quite find without the sex, ok kind of but I’ve gone four months before without sex so I’m quite capable of a week thank you very much. I’m more worried that once he’s back everything is going to change and he will want to move on from me. We spoke about where this is going and he said, “I don’t know yet.” Which to me is a serious red flag of someone who could bail on me but that’s a risk I’m going to take because I do enjoy his company and he is fun and very sweet to me; something I haven’t expected in my past relationships.

I’m having headaches and back pain this week. Nothing that has ruined my week but pain thats always there and a reminder of reality. I don’t know why I’m having headaches. Ok I’ve been very tense this week due to work situations. Let me state here to anyone reading this blog and a reminder to myself in the moments of doubt. I love my job, my job is part of my identity, when I’m working at my job you can see the best qualities about me and my greatest strength. But right now I’ve lost a part of care for my job. People can make you feel that way. I don’t care as much anymore and I’m tried of how I’ve been treated these past few months from co-workers and what hurts I’m starting to realize this co-worker doesn’t care about me as a person, or a worker for that matter. Hasn’t tried to get in contact with me. I was kind of waiting for my co-worker to. But what can you do, because people make decisions and this was my co-workers decision. Now I have to start re-thinking what I want for me. Something I honestly don’t do enough. To be honest the main reason I don’t is because I know what I want is going to hurt my heart a bit because I’m going to give up certain aspects of my job and umm now thinking about it on another note as I sit here and think I may have to give up some other aspects of my life as well. This is the part of life that gets hard but I like to think of what my mentor always says,

“We do what we have to do to do what we want to do”

Onto another topic I think I’m going to have a talk with Thrilla my wonderful the “cheating ex #2” For readers of my blog I don’t think I’ve ever written about this but I do still speak to Thrilla on the occasion. We actually have to lunch a few times. This doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t really feel anything around him, because I’ve moved on from him. (Before we even broke up) But it’s hard to let go of someone that was as been in your life for four years and you basically grew up with, in college, work and friendship. Plus I still see a bit of the “old him” the person he use to be. I understand that person is no longer really their but I still see the moments of the “old him.” But he has been asking me to help him pick out a motorcycle because he trusts me with the knowledge I have for them but that means helping him by driving him to the bike, teaching him how to ride it and bring it back into town. Too much for me; I’m not at the point in this “friendship” to be helping him out with that. So it looks like I’m going to have to tell him. I still hurt sometimes and what happened in August is still something I struggle with at moments

Spring break is just about over. Soon I will see the guy “falling into his arms” and see if that is moving onto more moments of bliss or time to move on. Soon I will speak to my boss about what has been going on with me. Soon I will be back in my poetry workshop classes. Thank goodness for my classes, I miss them and I need them to breath again.

But regardless of some stresses I’m doing very well and I may have outward personal stress about work, relationships and past ones. My inside, my spirit is feeling rested and wonderful. Thank goodness for that.

Thank you universe for centering my spirit.

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Filed under Life, school, sex, thoughts, Uncategorized

New baggage

August 2012: A break-up that will forever change my how I view “relationships” And forever will be intertwined within my stories, within my heart.

Tonight why I sit here and write I wait for the guy I’ve “seeing” to text me back. Now deep down I know he likes me, a lot. An example of this, he today he was at some part of the library when I was in class, I then ended up at the library with some friends posted a picture of us being silly and before he was on his way out he figured out where we were so he could say goodbye and give me a kiss. This is the reassurance in my heart. But then I get these sweeping panic attacks that he’s not going to come back. That maybe he is right now as he speak sleeping with another girl, laying down with her and kissing her.

I give you my “new baggage” the new worry I have attached to my heart. Thanks to my ex thrilla this is a new problem that at times I have no control over at all. Now most the time I have a pretty good handle on it but times like these, sitting here writing, right now my chest hurts, it aches, it worries for what he could be doing, if he really does like me. This baggage is so heavy on my heart. I know, I understand this baggage is not going anywhere anytime soon and I’m hopping that understanding this will make me a little bit stronger and the baggage a little bit smaller. But sometimes I have no control over the feeling.

So I write about it, I day dream, I pour my heart out on open line pages. That seems to make me stronger. Then after the feeling has passed, after the no control lifts from my chest. I take a deep breath, re-adjust my eyes and remember to have hope, to try and trust again and always smile.

Here’s to having hope.

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First time home since break-up (Written on the plane)

This will be the first time I’ve stepped foot into California since I found out Thrilla cheated on me.

I’m having serious anxiety over coming home. My chest feels heavy, I’m short of breath and my legs are beginning to shake.

My life is so different now. Yes, I understand we change every year, we are always changing, always developing but I’ve changed drastically in such a short amount of time. I don’t feel like the same girl that left California in August.

I feel older.

My views have shifted,

I understand why people causally date and why many rather not be in a serious relationship.

Because they haven’t found the one.

I know I’ve been saying a lot through my posts in my blog I want to be in a relationship but I’m not sure I feel this way anymore.

Or if I’m going to be in a relationship I wanna be all in and I want the same from them. I want an uncontrollable love. I want deep, out of control love that drives others away but draws us in closer. I don’t think I’ve found the man I want to fall in love with, or they haven’t gotten to that phase for me yet. They haven’t seen me yet, I haven’t seen them yet. Plus there are a few men in my life I would  try to date and feel them out but I’m not sure they’re that into me, or maybe they haven’t noticed me.

All I can say is, we shall see.

But geez I look at love so differently now. I use to be so gung-ho about being with someone, being in love, being content with what I have from someone. But now I see everything about love so differently, or maybe “different” isn’t the right word, maybe I should say I’m just more reality now. I see now when a guy is basically “just not that into me.”  I see the games being played out, the lies being feed to me.

Now maybe I saw this all years ago, maybe the difference now is believe these circumstances to be true, they are no longer myth, but fact.

I’ve been jumping back and forth so recently from desiring a relationship to not wanting anything to do with love, or dating. Not too sure where I’ll land at the end of this all. I guess I’m hoping I’ll meet the right guy who will bring me back to the ground. Until then it looks like my feet won’t be touching the ground anytime soon.

Well, I’ll be home soon, not sure what this winter break will bring and I’m not too sure if I’m ready for everything that’s about to change.

But I’m going to walk into the darkness regardless.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, Home, Life

Trust

I’m not sure if I can trust again any time soon.

In the future can I trust?

Yes, in the future, but right now…I can’t.

I think I started to lose my trust in men was March of 2011. The first time Thrilla and I broke up. I found out he had been interested in a girl who was on a team with us, now whether or not this girl liked him in the same way I will never know, she said she didn’t but this could be debated I feel; especially after everything I’ve been through I think anything can be possible. So any ways, I found out a day after that Thrilla basically ended things because he wanted to be with her, now not in a romantic terms at all, but sexually. How do I know this? I read some texts he was sending my other friends, very graphic texts about what he wanted to do to her.

Why I ended up back with him 5 months later, I’ll never understand…no I do understand, I was weak, I was lonely, I didn’t think I could be on my own, I thought I needed him.

So I saw these texts and they hurt me for some reason, I’m not entirely sure why, but I think it had to do with the fact that during the actually break up he lied to me, instead of just telling me, “Hey look I wanna sleep around,” it became a circus of reasons. Reasons involving me; me in the terms of not dressing up enough, doing enough, me having problems, it became my fault. But in this moment of finding, understanding he lied to me, this was the moment that lead to me losing all the trust I had in men. It’s in moments like these where I lose apart of myself, a part that I was born with, a piece of a puzzle I thought you needed in order to survive. (Years later I will realize these puzzle pieces needed to break off)

Another hit to the puzzle piece: A fight, he didn’t like me talking to my old ex’s/guys I’ve slept with. I told him I would stop speaking with them, but he needed to the same in return, this was not something he could do.

A third hit in the chest: Catching him emailing the other women he cheated with on me, emails, harmless at the time, but flirting was deeply rooted in each question, and each connection they claimed to be making as friends. I asked him to stop speaking to her, this was out of the question, this become a fight, where in the end with him claiming he was ending it, this too was lie (they continued to talk)

The puzzle piece finally and completely fell off in August of 2012. Funny thing is this trust must have fallen off in April, when their relationship began and mine ended without my knowledge. When you are cheated on for 5 months everything in your world swifts so suddenly, your knees weaken and you’re not sure who you are anymore.

It’s funny because all summer I would be randomly sitting alone in my room and cry, and I wasn’t sure at the time what I was crying about. Sometimes the body catches on quicker then the mind can. Sometimes the body already knows whats going on and the mind is not ready to face it, it’s not denial, I think its are natural animal  instincts deeply rooted inside of us, when we know something is about to kill us, destroy us and are bodies move out of the way before are mind can fully understand what is going on. My body was already going through the break up. My mind just needed time to catch up.

My ex had a lot of excuses to why he did it. My favorite? When he told me he thought we had broken up already. Yeah, he said that to me, I guess he thought when I was saying goodbye to him at the airport he thought that was are break up, even though we were still together on Facebook and I called him, told him I missed him.

I have these moments, I’m sitting down and I can’t believe it. I can’t believe he did this to me. He was not only seeing, sleeping with another women, but they were basically together, he was basically in another relationship.

This is why I have lost all trust in men.

I don’t know when I can or will trust again. And I know this will be a different kind of trust altogether. A packaged up trust, with a red stamp on the front that reads, “People do will hurt others in order to be happy, I understand this.”

I will be more cautious, I will no longer fall in love so quickly and I will put myself first until I believe someone has the best intentions for me and what I have to offer, “Offer.” Look at me making myself sound like some sort of special cellphone service, like you don’t get any specials deals until you prove to me you won’t just switch to another phone company so fast. Maybe I should have been thinking like that sooner in my life.

But until then, I going to just trust a little less. I guess this is called growing up, becoming who i’m going to be for the rest of my life. I like who I’m going to be for the rest of my life, I like this woman I’m becoming more and more each day, she’s a lot stronger.

Or maybe I’ve always been this strong…I just didn’t believe in myself.

I didn’t believe in myself.

If I could there would be one more thing I would say to my ex. I would say to him, “One day you will go through what I have gone through and finally understand my pain, because right now; you don’t understand my pain. Then I would tell you, “I hope one day you can be happy without hurting someone else.”

Sometimes I still get so mad at him, at what he did to me, at what he’s doing now, and I get so mad at myself. Mad for not speaking up sooner, for not telling him off, for still talking to him when we pass by.

But most days I feel nothing towards him, well thats not true…I feel pity for him. Because I love where my life is now, and even though I no longer trust men       I’m still happy, still looking for love and I know now what I want in life and where I’m going…well most of the time.

So if you ask me, what has changed in love?

I stopped falling in love with boys. I now want to fall in love with a man.

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Filed under Ex-boyfriends, thoughts, trust