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Meditations: Animal Spirit Totems and Twin Flame

 

 

 

Its pretty obvious I’ve been struggling with relationships on different platforms these last few weeks. I’ve been left feeling rather heart-broken and very disappointed in men [boys] who have left me with empty promises. A cycle of getting over the idea of something exciting happening and the promise that one of these mornings I will wake up to someone holding me.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt someone.

Today I decided it was time to figure out my Animal totems. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a few years now and I after speaking to a friend on Tuesday evening I felt it was about time I did something about it. After reading a lot and meditating where I ended up passing out for 45 minutes I realized how silly I was to not have known my animal totems. I read a lot of article and books today that spoke about how your animal totems tend to be animals that are recurring throughout your daily life, they pop up everywhere and you have always been interested in them. During my meditation as I was laying on a sandy beach I discovered three:

  • A cat, orange and white appeared to me. Which is freaky because the past few weeks I have been seeing this cat named copper when I go over to visit my friend Alicia We think he must belong to someone in the neighborhood. Copper [the name we gave him] first appeared on Halloween, which was the week this guy I was hopeful for something told me it wasn’t working out and to stay away. This cat brought me so much comfort to me that night. I’ve always felt very connected with cats too. I’ve had my cat since I was six. Also….ok this sound silly and I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this in a long time but when I was a kid at recess I would pretend I was a cheetah. I shit you not my three dream jobs as a kid where, U.S Women’s Soccer player, Zoo veterinarian and Cheetah. I also remember acting out the Lion King in preschool a lot too.
  • The second animal that came to me was my old dog Sassy. Which I didn’t expect to happen, to encounter a childhood pet. She was a Kerry Blue Terrier.  Sassy died when I was in kindergarten though, I saw her get hit by a car. I loved her so much and I miss her everyday. It was comforting to see her again, but this time she came to me during mediation.
  • The last animal that arrived was this large golden eagle….go figure. But to be honest I was surprised to see this Marahute looking bird land down besides me. I’ve never felt very connected to birds, or so I thought. I woke up in middle hug with this bird to realize I not only have a feather dream catcher above my head on my ceiling, but I have a large feather by my desk I randomly found one day and hung up a week before I found out about my ex cheating on me. Then of course these necklace which I tend to wear as I perform.

I am bird

Also I was reminded how much wings end up in my poetry. So maybe I have been more connected to birds then I thought I was. I mean my chapbook does end with a poem about this giant bird.

Then after this meditation I stumbled upon another meditation  and books on “finding your twin flame.”

Twin Flame:  A twin flame is quite literally the soul’s other half, which parted before entering the 3rd dimensional experience and human incarnation. Basically it’s another form of a “soul mate” in a way. Plato and the New Testament of the Bible both discuss the idea that we were once whole but then got divided into two. Of course Twin Flame involves a lot more meditation and chakras opening and of course understanding the need to put aside the “ego.” It’s also important to note there was a lot on the whole idea that once you find your “Twin Flame” that means you both are on your last life on Earth, your last reincarnation. I thought what they heck! I’m going to do this sweet ass guided meditation I found and maybe I’ll figure someone stuff out.

Now I’ve done a few guided meditations before, so I’m aware if they are working or not. This one was rather interesting. I was ahead of the steps a little bit, which is a good sign. It Means I was deeply in the meditation and my mind was ahead of where she was guiding me. You meet this man in all white robes, blue eyes, he holds his hand out and you grab a hold of it and in this moment I broke down crying. For a good amount of the meditation I was crying. Then I met my Twin Flame. Well, I lost the image of him. I’m going to do the meditation again to get a better image of him, but it I know it was a man. He was tall and he made me break down even more. I asked him to contact me more, because I need to know he’s there thinking about me. He asked me to be strong, that I needed that. We were asked to give each other a gift, without hesitation I handed my favorite writing journal over and without hesitation he handed me a pen.

It was a rather an extremely emotion experience for me. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I want to go back to that meditation to get a better picture of him, because the feelings were so strong.

Listed below are some of the attributes of a twin flame relationship:

  1. You had dreams or visions of this person and/or your energetic relationship before ever meeting in this lifetime.
  2. Meeting your partner felt like “coming home” to a familiar, long-lost energy. After meeting, you had “memories” of other times and places with that person that are not part of this life experience so far.
  3. Your partner mirrors your own issues, concerns, and imbalances, but you also complement each other’s skill sets, talents, and capacities. You are the ultimate embodiment of yin/yang.
  4. At least one partner is of higher frequency, possibly a First Waver, Indigo, and/or Crystal, or is genetically related to one.
  5. You may be of different ages, the same or opposite sex, vastly different backgrounds, “opposing” religions or cultures, but you feel an incredible unity or incomparable sense of oneness with your partner.
  6. You feel each other’s symptoms, illnesses, and emotions even when you are not near each other or in communication.
  7. Your functioning is impaired or much less optimal when you are apart from your twin flame. It physically and mentally hurts when you are not together.
  8. When you are with your partner and the relationship is in balance, you become stronger, more powerful, and more capable than you have ever felt. You feel united in a mission or “calling” to serve others and the world.
  9. Your unconditional love for your partner is like no other. Your partner is likely to have a certain habit, quality, or “baggage” that would be a deal-breaker for you in any other relationship. However, you overlook it or willingly work through it with this partner– no matter what it takes.
  10. You met your partner when one or both of you were in other relationships or otherwise “unavailable.” It’s likely that you met when and where you were least consciously expecting it.
  11.  Either you or your partner feared the power of the twin flame connection and ran from the relationship so as not to feel overwhelmed and/or vulnerable. Years may go by before you are both in the “place” to finally commit fully to the relationship.
  12. The partner who ran from the twin flame relationship finally “wakes up” and realizes the significance. His or her “a-ha” moment comes as the result of a loss, illness, or other personal catastrophe. He or she then comes to terms with the fact that there is no other person or priority more important than the twin partner.
  13. No matter how many times you break up or separate, forces seems to bring you back together. You see the “signs” and reminders of that twin connection everywhere, urging you back together.
  14. Your relationship is characterized by extreme highs and lows, including passion and intense pain you’ve most likely never felt before.
  15. In efforts to harmonize, justify karma, and balance each other, you “push each other’s buttons” and test each other’s limits like no one else has or ever will. Nevertheless, the extreme highs in the relationship consistently get higher.
  16. Friends, family members, and others in your circle can’t relate to the twin flame dramas and always try to get you to move on to someone or something else that seems more logical or better for you “on paper.”
  17. The growth you experience, the lessons you learn, and the person you become in the twin flame relationship are more significant, happen more rapidly, and are more powerful than any other experience or period of growth in your life.
  18. You realize that your previous soul mates or other relationships prepared you for the twin flame reunion. Your twin flame may even have or embody a number of the unusual characteristics or outstanding attributes of your previous mates and soul friends.
  19. You feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life for this person. When you look back at your life, you see illnesses, sabotaged relationships, or other situations that  manifested because you were still waiting and still looking for “the one.”
  20. Even if you are extremely tired of 3 dimensional existence here on earth, you heal, evolve, mature, and continue to live– just to stay with your twin flame partner.
  21. You are an “old soul” and this is your last human experience.
  22. The more that you and your twin partner spend time together, the more rapidly and completely you awaken to higher consciousness.
  23. You have a deep knowing that your twin partner is your destiny– not just in this lifetime, but also when you ascend, return “home,” and are reunited for eternity.

I know this must sound so silly to a good chunk of you, but I’m sick of shying away from this spiritual stuff that I love reading about and meditating about. Mediation as gotten me so far and has healed me so much. Even if this stuff is just silly at the end of the day I don’t care because I’m closer to knowing myself then half the population out there.

I do worry if I will meet my Twin Flame in this life. Maybe I will….maybe I won’t. Sometimes I sit here and worry….more I try to make peace with the idea that I’m not going to meet anyone, I’m not going to get married and I’m not going to find the love I’m looking for. I’ve started to make peace with this idea. But I fear I can’t live like that, it psychically hurts my chest when I think like that. But I also feel like everyone meets me and crushes on me then turns and walks out the door but they realize what I have been keeping from myself for years now. I want someone, I’m looking for a relationship, I’m looking for that one love. I need to stop kidding myself. Because it appears every other man [boy] knows this. I need to admit this to myself right now.

“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment.”
–Plato

 

 

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Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Cats, Confessions, Dating, Dreams, Hope, Life, Love, Meditation, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe

Like Lullabies

Five friends, five conversations and five days later I have learned one key factor that each of these individual, including myself all share in common.

We all crave to have someone. 

To have someone to lay next to, to kiss, to hold in pressed arms, like a flower in a chapter book. Each of my dear friends, including myself simply want these moments to return to their lives.

I want these moments to come rushing back into my life. As if I’ve jumped into a river without testing the temperature of the water. I just want to close my eyes, take a deep breath and never look back at the cliff.

I miss laying with someone, I miss someone there to hold me, to kiss my forehead. I miss this, I crave this so terribly that I can feel the angst of this problem throughout music, can feel my bed sheets wrap around me, feel someone whisper to me in my sleep, “You have beautiful eyes.”

I have been trying to tell my closest guy friends that these are the moments women want the most. These are the moments that create that raw sexual energy I believe men are waiting for us to bust out with. To tie them up, to blind fold them, to kiss them everywhere, wait for them to smack our ass and then for us to scream out their name. Now from my own experience these moments are amazing, hot and have been some of my finest sexual experience, but these raw, hot moments came with moments of someone holding me, smiling at me, telling my how lucky they are to have me with them.

Gosh, can you remember those happiest of moments of being with someone. If I sit here, take a deep breath out and listen to my favorite writing music…I can remember those moments from my past that made me happiest.

  • His fingers moving through my hair
  • Kissing my neck softly
  • He says to me, “You are so gorgeous”
  • His arms wrapped around me
  • Waking up to him smiling at me
  • Telling my how beautiful my eyes are
  • Holding me when I cry
  • Wanting to hear about my day
  • Just sending me a text to let me know he’s thinking about me
  • Buying me flowers
  • Simply laying in bed with me, stroking my back, kissing my cheeks, humming  a song gently in my ears
  • Kissing in the shower
  • Carrying me up the stairs
  • Sitting in a coffee shop with me
  • Reading my poems
  • Falling asleep on the phone.
  • Telling me how important our friendship is.

(This “him” of course is not all from one person. The list above is of course from various relationships I’ve had).

This post is not only for myself but for my friends who lay alone at night (as I do every night) staring up past the ceiling, past the roof and look to the stars, in hopes of finding that one person who will hold them and never let them go.

They are out there.

Past the comets, past the star-dust and hanging on your eye lashes.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

My dear friends, close your eyes, fall asleep and continue to keep that shape in your heart for that one person that will change everything.

And remember you all have people in your lives who change everything, every single moment. They are your family members, your friends, co-workers, your students.

Tonight sing your own lullaby.

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Filed under Beautiful, Friends, good energy, Life, Love, thoughts, universe

New baggage

August 2012: A break-up that will forever change my how I view “relationships” And forever will be intertwined within my stories, within my heart.

Tonight why I sit here and write I wait for the guy I’ve “seeing” to text me back. Now deep down I know he likes me, a lot. An example of this, he today he was at some part of the library when I was in class, I then ended up at the library with some friends posted a picture of us being silly and before he was on his way out he figured out where we were so he could say goodbye and give me a kiss. This is the reassurance in my heart. But then I get these sweeping panic attacks that he’s not going to come back. That maybe he is right now as he speak sleeping with another girl, laying down with her and kissing her.

I give you my “new baggage” the new worry I have attached to my heart. Thanks to my ex thrilla this is a new problem that at times I have no control over at all. Now most the time I have a pretty good handle on it but times like these, sitting here writing, right now my chest hurts, it aches, it worries for what he could be doing, if he really does like me. This baggage is so heavy on my heart. I know, I understand this baggage is not going anywhere anytime soon and I’m hopping that understanding this will make me a little bit stronger and the baggage a little bit smaller. But sometimes I have no control over the feeling.

So I write about it, I day dream, I pour my heart out on open line pages. That seems to make me stronger. Then after the feeling has passed, after the no control lifts from my chest. I take a deep breath, re-adjust my eyes and remember to have hope, to try and trust again and always smile.

Here’s to having hope.

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Fallin’ into his arms (literally)

A month ago this past Saturday a lot happened within one weekend, experiences and events that have altered my everyday routine and have shifted my life is the most positive of ways.

     First, on a sad note, my good friends grandfather passed way within this weekend. He was a very wonderful man and a gift to this world. He also reminded me a lot of my grandfather, he spoke his mind like him, was kind like him and was very well loved like him. It’s very sad to watch someone pass on and to watch their love ones learn to live without them physically being around but regardless of what religion you believe in, you just gonna hope their in a better place and wonderful people like that, you feel and know they are really in a wonderful place.

     Second, my best friend Valerie and my other best friend Cassidy who happens to be her girlfriend had broke up on this Saturday. Now they are back together again, after figuring out what needed to change and I do love them together and only wish for the best. But this break-up really shifted the night I thought I was going to have.

The Saturday Night Story

     Saturday afternoon Valerie broke with Cassidy, who happens to be another one of my close friends. This would shift the whole night for me. You see Valerie would come over to my place that afternoon and stay there for the whole weekend. Valerie was also planning on going out with Tina and I that night but because of her break-up she opted out of the night of drinking and dancing. And looking back on that night, I think that if Valerie had gone I wouldn’t have ended up dancing with “him.” Like I just said, Valerie didn’t go out that night with us but we met up with Tina’s co-workers at this bar in downtown. We drank, a lot, danced a lot. Tina and I that night came up with giving each other thumbs up and thumbs down when a guy tried to dance with us and we would tell each other if we thought they were cute. Quite a few thumbs down were playing out through the night. At one point Tina’s friend Nessie was trying to set her up with this very cute guy who we will call Ester; and then thats when “he” walked on the dance floor, as of now I can’t think of the name to call him on my blog so for now we will call him, “The one I fell for.” Any ways he was walking out to the dance floor, I don’t remember much, Tina told me he seemed to want to dance with me but I thought he was passing through so I moved out of his way. I danced next to Tina, she grabbed me and said, “What are you doing, that guy wanted to dance with you. I said, “Oh my god, really? Is he cute?” “Yes, he is,” Tina yelled back.

    In that moment the universe took hold, or maybe Tina took hold of me and pushed me into him. She really pushed me, like so hard he had to catch me before I fell. Then we started dancing, then dancing led to making out, a lot of dancing and then a lot of stopping dancing and making out on the dance floor. Then the making out lead to him asking me back to his place. This lead to me saying, “Yes.” After going up to the bar for one more quick drink, learning his name thanks to the help of his friends near by and also thanks to reading his name on his debit card he pulled out to paid for the drinks. After a vegas bomb, we took a cab to his place and  went up to his bedroom, laid out on his bed and started making out. Thats when I had to tell him, tell him, “I’m on my period.” Shit! We laughed a bit, made out some more, and started talking, him telling me his life story really. Me, telling him my life story. Him going crazy happy with the fact I was from California, that I loved AC/DC too and that I had done sports. We talked for hours, made out for hours. Him, telling me over and over again how beautiful I was, how gorgeous I was, how sexy, how beautiful my blue eyes are. Words, things I never heard enough of with my other ex’s. Words I always wanted to hear from a man. And after this night, after being pushed into him, we have been “seeing” each other since. We basically have sex everyday, twice a day. We talk constantly, he had met my friends, my friends love him, I’ve met his friends, they are amazing. He is amazing, he is what I have been looking for. I’m not sure where this will end up, but I’m trying not think about that, i’m just enjoying him, enjoying his smell, his wonderful smile and his sweet words.

Last night he said to me, “I am so happy Tina pushed you into me.”

I’m happy too.

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