Shocked

Its over, whatever you just call what I did with “asshole” for almost three months; its over. Now here comes the tricky part, what happened? Why? There is no answer and looks like there never will be. Which is disappointing to say the least, because I really thought this guy was one of the good ones.

Sitting here shocked like walking away from a car accident that no one understands. I walk away with only a few marks, a few scars but more filled with confusion, shocked and sad to lose someone I was hoping would become a close friend even if things never worked out for us.

I’ve deeply disappointed in him and not sure what I will do when I run into, or what he will do if he runs into me.

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t coma back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head.”
― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

 

So much for not feeling like a hook-up. So much for him saying I was more then sex.

Leave this life so shattered

Life has definitely happened since the last time I put up a post. Somethings have changed for the good, others for the worse and some are continuing to stress me out to the point my chest is feels like cement.

First of all, my work. I’m tired of the battle, of the fight/games between co-workers. On Sunday I decided to step up and let go of the hurt, the pain of losing a friendship. I sat back and realized that if I want this job someday its time I start acting like it. It was time I stepped it up and showed how much I love my job and how grown up I’ve become. Plus I’m so thankful for my wonderful boss. I don’t think he will ever understand how much of an influence he has been in my life; he is my mentor and my dear friend. It’s safe to say I’m feeling much better about work and I’m actually in the progress of working on a project for my job, which is going to make life a bit stressful for a week but I love stress like that. MORE PLEASE! (Not joking, I really do love that kind of stress!)

I realized today how wonderful my friends are. I’m so thankful and lucky to have them in my life! Damn, I love my best friends. They are what keeps me going and without them life would be a lot more stressful and difficult to get through. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

The guy I’ve been seeing came home Sunday from spring break. I have yet to see him and he seems to be “busy.” I’m going to believe that he is truly “busy.” But it’s hard and I’m not going to lie, I think he’s seeing someone else/lost interest in me. This is a weakness I’m learning about. I have a hard time with the unknown. I just want to know whats going on, because I not only haven’t seen him but he has barely text me back. I don’t know why this is making my chest heavy. I’m trying to make sense of why this is hurting  so much. My friend Tina asked me these questions trying to help me find out last night at the bar.

Tina: Do you think you’re not good enough?

Me: No

Tina: Do you think it’s your fault

Me: No

Tina: Are you worried about being cheated on?

Me: I assume that everyone has the capable of cheating on me and I’ve been cheated on so much now that I don’t think it will affect me in the same way. So no.

 

Laying in bed two nights ago I wrote this,

How do you get over the feeling that someone is going to leave you? I don’t know how.

I think I’m scared of people leaving me after I’ve invested so much of my love, my heart, my caring energy on them. I give a lot in relationships and I do this at the very start in a relationship too. I wear my emotions of my sleeve. I haven’t been able to stop this and I don’t think I want to, because I think that’s a gift of mine; how loving I am. But its hard for me to watch someone go and try to go back to how my life use to be. Its like they have died and I must figure out how to go on without them there to hold me.

Maybe that’s my problem, I’m too dependent on having people in my life and when they leave me I come crashing down. Because right now I’m sitting in the car before the crash, before the crunch of metal and everything is in slow mo. I’m waiting for the crunch of this guy to walk off without me. I like him. Right not I’m doing the usual  female issue. I’m coming up with all these excuses for why he is not calling, not texting, not wanting to see me. But like the author Greg Behrendt says, “He’s just not that into you.” Those are the six little words in the back of my mind right now. Then past relationship, past men who come back into the fore front of my mind and I remember all the men that have left me and all have said, “You are such a sweet girl and I don’t want to hurt someone like you.”

So I’m now here. At the moment where I have text him and he hasn’t text back so now I shall sit and wait to see what will happen. My gut is telling me this is not going to work out, but is this really my gut or me scared to be hurt again?  Or is this me scared and over reacting and everything is just fine and he is really just busy. Maybe I’m simply not ready to feel the pain of losing someone again, because I know he would want to be friends but I know I can’t and this has been the case with everyone I’ve been with. From Pita to the best sex I’ve ever had. I told each of them I couldn’t be friends, not for a while anyway. Now best sex guy and I are good friends and this has led me to believe he has always cared about me, but Pita guy this is not the case and I understand now I was really nothing in his life. So I’m in this moment of “waiting.” But maybe that should be my sign. I want to be with someone who will text me as soon as they get back into town and someone who will see me, even if it’s just for an hour. I need that in my life, I need the extra mile from a guy and I don’t think this guy can give me that, because I do know I am a beautiful, smart women and even greater I have such a huge heart and a huge capability to forgive and to care for others. I need a man in my life who will never make me feel worried they will leave. I need this. Maybe what is hurting me so much is that I realize I need to cut it off. That I need to cut it off because I’m not receiving what I need.

God that hurts my heart to say that right now. 

What hurts so much right now is the fact that I just want to find the love of my life, I want them here right now, in front of my eyes, I want them to hold me, to make all my past pain disappear with their arms. I want to walk into my coffee shop with my computer, my books and a guy will look up and see me, simply who I am. Then he will fall in love with my freckles, my smile and the rest is the outwards breath of everything will be ok now, you can let go now. I want a mad hungry, thirsty kind of love. Of not being able to take our eyes off each other and I want to hear the passion of life not only in my voice but in the voice of another that loves me as passionately as they love the sound of the rain falling above their roof.

My God I want to breath again to the point I cough up all the past. I’m becoming impatient looking for him and I’m starting to lose all hope of ever meeting him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote the past few days:

I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart.
Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my flying parts.”
― Andrea Gibson

Tonight I must remind myself:

I am strong

I am Beautiful

I am resilient

I am a women that deserve the best out of love and more importantly out of life

(But shit do I feel so lost in my heart right now and I feel so unsure and out-of-place in dating.)

Help.

Books

I have started to notice people have such strong opinions over books and poems. And I mean in the terms if a poem is good or bad and if a book is a bad, or just simply put it’s silly and stupid, childish almost.

To start off, yes there are bad books in the world, ok well I dislike with calling any book “bad” and now thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve ever read a bad book. I have read books I pick up and then I put it down right away, but doesn’t mean it’s a bad book, it just simply means I had no connection with the book, it didn’t spark my interest, or simply put I’m not mature enough yet to appreciate the literature.

But I don’t think I’ve ever read through a book and labeled it as “bad.”

I don’t think a book can be bad, be childish, and not be worth reading.

Because to someone else that books means a lot to them, the message that work of literature gives them what they were looking for.

And I think some times we forget to think about the author. Someone put their heart and soul into that poem or that story. As someone who writes myself, I know I put a lot of myself into my stories, or like my friend Tina says, “Sally this story is your diary.” I think it’s extremely important to remember a story or a poem is someones art work and they put a lot of them-self into that story, or poem.

With that being said, I’m starting to dislike it more and more when I’m approach by people who have such strong convictions about a piece of literature. Especially if they haven’t even read the book to begin with. Because who are we to judge what is beautiful? The definition of beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and for explain, you will look at a road and see nothing, but I will look at a road and it will bring back memories of when I saw my dog get hit by a car when I was seven.

Past experiences set us up, change how we feel and how we see the world, these memories shape are reading experiences. Shape what we like or dislike to spend time on.

Also I’ve become burden with the fact and understanding that people around me simply don’t like to read. And they have no problem telling me this and I really don’t understand this. For someone who has struggled for years with a learning disability, who use to pray to God to help me become a better reader, for someone like me who still struggles with understanding concepts of English, it baffles me when I meet so many people so turned off by reading or with such a small amount of books in their possession. And it baffles me even more when I met another writer, and they seem to know so little about the field, the community they claim to be apart of. Writers who don’t read always remind me of this quote,

“If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot.”
― Stephen King

And I’m a firm believer you should read everything you can get your hands on, because thats how you learn, how you figure out what you want to write about.

I feel like you can only truly say you’re working at your craft if you taking in everything from it your craft.

It’s really becoming more and more of a turn off for me when people think it interests me how little of a book collection they have or how much they don’t like a certain kind of book, or they consider a book too mainstream, too fuzzy warm or not worth a read. This especially gets more irritating to me when these group of people not only have such a small collection of book, but next to those books they have a large collection of movies next to their nonexistent book collection. Which always reminds me how many of the films lined up in their collection were first a book, a story before they were filmed or drawn out. I think thats so interesting to look at it that way.

These are the moments I feel more and more like we could become a society like in the book Fahrenheit 451. I don’t think it could ever fully happen, because there are far too many writers and crazy English majors out there to let this happen but lets be real, Fahrenheit 451 has happened already a  little bit. It’s easier for me to list the people that read, then the ones that don’t. I think theres about less then 10 of my close friends who read more then two books a year, that aren’t a school mind you.

Maybe you should ask yourself what is your favorite book and if you don’t have one, not a single one, then you should start worrying.

I’ve become an endangered species, a person who likes to read books. Which cracks me up, because at the age of seven I couldn’t even sound out the word “book.”

I guess books and I just need to stick together

Death

I know that we want to live forever.

And more importantly I know we want are love ones to live forever.

If Anne Rice has taught me anything through her books, its that we wouldn’t want to live forever any ways. We Simply couldn’t handle living forever. Now thinking about it, maybe thats why some many stories that involve  living forever are about vampires, creatures, and demons from hell, because these non-human beings, these dark creatures without a soul can handle the “forever.”

Well, never mind, because Anne Rices Vampires can’t handle the forever, half of her books they talk wishing for death.

But regardless of this I know that already at the age of 23 I’m overwhelmed with grief, overwhelmed with happiness and overwhelmed with the need to belong.

So how could I handle years, decades, centuries of death, war, and sadness? Or better put, why would I wish that upon myself or another person I love in my life?

Maybe thats the big joke the universe is playing on us. We have a soul, we see the grass swaying in the breeze, we love someone so much we claim it’s caused by an organ inside are body.

We have been given compassion, empathy, but at the end of the day we realize we could die.

Are could die

Siblings.

Parents.

Family.

Pets.

And the love of are life could die.

And with this knowledge what do we as humans do?

We fight it, we are a stubborn jackass species and will do everything to fight for a belief or a cause. We don’t want to die, everything is too beautiful here and we are too scared of the unknown. So we dream about living forever. But like the pages of Anne Rices novels, her vampire characters who too feared death, who too wanted to live forever wanted an easy out to the thought of death and they got their wish.

But then we see them in such pain, some even sleeping for centuries because they miss the past too much, they can’t living forever. These creatures carry so much pain. I don’t think I would want to carry that kind of pain around in my life. I don’t think I could fall in love over and over again for centuries, and then watch lovers, friends, family die over and over and over again.

Shit.

You’re a big old bitch universe. You know exactly where to poke at us and you blocked any kind of loop hole didn’t you? Damn.

Or maybe thats just the universe’s little hint to us, and maybe all those silly quotes about loving like you’ve never been hurt and living like its heaven earth are right. Maybe the universe just wants us to enjoy the time we have been given

And here’s the kicker, I think we all already know this, but we are just to blind to the idea. Sometimes we can be so selfish.

Why would anyone want to live forever any ways? When I think about it I wouldn’t want to live forever. I have already witnessed and read so many wonderful authors stories, I don’t need to read the next generation, because I love the books of my generation. I wouldn’t want to have lovers for years. I want love, I want to love someone so deeply that it will hurt so much when they die. I already have a wonderful family, I don’t need another one two centuries from now. And I get to stare out my window and look at a tree that will die someday and I will know I’m lucky to have seen it’s leaves fall off the branches and watch it bloom in the spring. And I don’t want centuries worth of friends, I want just the friends I have now and then some. I want to know I was one of the lucky people in this world to have known them.

So I wanna live for only as long as the universe has planned for me and maybe a little bit more if I’m lucky. And I’m going to use this time wisely. That means taking more chances, writing more, sending my art out into the world. I’m going to read more books, fall in love with a new word everyday. Eat too much food, talk too much, love my pets, watch them pass away, cry for them, cry for my loved ones that pass away and then smile knowing that they are onto their next adventure and be jealous of them, because they now know the secrets of the universe.

That means loving everyone I met, and kissing all the wrong people until the right one comes along. And having my friends by my side during every minute of my life.

I think I’m ok with the thought of death more. I think I will be ok with the thought of death more and more as life goes on.

I get it now Universe. I’ll start loving myself a little more each day now. And love those around me more.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.”So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring