Last night laying down on a striped black and green couched my ankle propped up on the cushion [due to falling down the stairs earlier that evening] I sat there watching dancing flicking lights of a dance party. Friends, some sober, some passed out next to me and the dogs and some so drunk they decided to try and give me a lap dance.
This scene can only truly best be decided of a dream like state where I have found myself so how in the late 70’s. Between the music, the items around the house and a couple passed out in a hammock, I must have been in a dream.
And there I was, in this dream like moment in a soccer tee-shirt, soccer shorts and my rainbow sandals [aka California sandals] with ice on my ankle. Did I mention I also wasn’t wearing a bra or underwear. Somehow though I still get hit on.
This seems to continually happen to me. I somehow find sex. For such a awkward, falling all over the place, saying silly shit stuff, I still manage to find sex. What is it with me? I have also learn that I may not be the most smooth with jokes, walking, eating I have some short of gift in regardless to the art of hook-ups.
Oh boy! Gimmie Gimmie!
Sitting on the couch last night I shared two moments with myself:
1. I was so happy to be single, so happy to know I have all these options. To know that I can go downtown and I can dance my life away and know that guys are checking me out. I am very confident in myself [well most of the time] that I know I have skills, I have looks, and I have a cute personality. Knowing and understanding these adolescent have been huge for me and I know have helped me out as a woman. This is the moments I love being single, I love not being settled down with someone and knowing I have options.
2. The feeling I have stirring deep down inside of myself. The feeling I’ve since I could read fairy tales, really since i could sit and comprehend a Disney movie. The ideals of true love and living happily. Now don’t freak out too much, I’ m not overly emotional about this, more this feeling I believe is something many women from my generation especially have deep down somewhere inside of them. This is the moment called, “I miss falling asleep with someone holding.” I miss kissing someone special. I miss having someone a part of my life in the most intimate of ways.
These are the two conflicting feelings I carry with me in each moment of my everyday life. I have both months, days, minutes where these two feelings attack my moments.
Here I am at this party. Full of beautiful, talented, caring and very drunk friends. Feeling as though I’m in a dream. Trying to hold onto that feeling.
Late last night I created affirmations in my bones:
“I do not need someone to confirm I matter.”
“I do not need a man in my life to be happy.”
“I do not need to sleep with a man to keep him around.”
[The last one is something I recently learned the hard way about]
And my last bone hollowing affirmation:
[I love myself]
It seems as though I have grown up a little more.