Last night and tonight I have been celebrating getting published a second time (two poems) as well as winning American Poets prize at my college. So lots of drinks and one step closer to being done with my undergrad.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do after graduation. Sure I’ll be working back at my old high school as a speech coach. But damn I’m dying for the idea of MFA. Then I’m worried and nervous about the idea because everyone makes the idea so insane and difficult. I’m not sure if I’m meant for it. But deep down I’m craving for the idea of it.
We shall see.
Dating is well non-exist and I like it to be that.
This one younger guy in town likes me and has been speaking to me but he’s all over the place. Drinks a lot, doesn’t have friends, play video games and plays these weird ass games. He’s a mature person in moments and then a young immature child a lot of the time. I was thinking about having a quick roll in the hay but the more I think about it the more I’m like ehh. For example he likes to pull this stunt of, “well I won’t contact you until you talk to me first.”
And I’m like are we in middle school again? Plus I think its insulting to me as a person to feel the need to play games with me. Also he needs to learn to groom his beard too.
At this point these little things are just not ok anymore and I want more. I deserve more than games, pride and lack of maturity.
Each night as I’m falling in sleep I whisper in between the eyes no longer staying open and the breathing settling down I say aloud, “I’m falling in love with myself.”
I don’t want anymore and I’m very content. But I know this will not make a few people very happy that I feel this way but those who don’t understand are men I shouldn’t be with.
I’m so restless at the moment. I need to stretch, shake off the molting and expand my wings.
Last night I went through a series of crazy ass dreams and lucky enough I woke up remembering a few details. In of my dreams I was on a huge eagle flying, it was dark brown, reds and deep blues. And from what I remember we were working together to save someone or overcome something, but I’m not exactly sure.
So like the weird person I am I looked up an interpretation of dreams:
To see birds in your dream symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
To see an eagle in your dream symbolizes nobility, pride, fierceness, freedom, superiority, courage, and powerful intellectual ability. It also represents self-renewal and your connection with your spirituality. You will struggle fiercely and courageously to realize your highest ambitions and greatest desires.
Then I remember another dream I had where my room was filled with lit candles:
To see a burning candle in your dream signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.
I thought that was a cool little interpretation and I think both these interpretation have a lot to say for how I have been feeling the past week or so. I think thats always so funky about dreams, that your mind is trying to figure things out when you’re resting and I always love to realize my waking life and my mind at rest are both going through things and figuring everything out.
I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.
*Breaking out of my shell*
That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.
To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”
I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?
God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.
There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.
Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.
And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.
I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.
Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe
Last week was ROUGH. I had a really hard week. From poetry, friends and men.
But this last week I finally spoke up in my life.
I’ve always been a quite person, the silent observer you learned about in interpersonal class on working groups. I was a shy little kid and thanks to speech and debate, poetry and a few friends most people don’t believe me at all that I’m shy.
Yet I have barely spoken up when it comes to serious conversations in my life. I’ve always felt I could never articulate myself, especially after years of special education I’ve never treated my thoughts or my voice as something of intellectual significance. So I’ve remained rather silent. Until I found poetry, a place to write out all my thoughts out. Because I had time to think my ideas and thoughts over and put them down in a way for people to hear my voice. Which is funny because that’s what everyone really loved about my poetry, that you could hear this voice.
And thanks to writing poetry for a year now I notice I’m speaking up more and more in my life. But it’s really hard and very exhausting as well.
I was tested this week, not only with speaking up but with how much I love poetry.
I had a dream Saturday night, where there was a shit ton of cracking egg shells and some broken ones as well.
Decided to look it up because I was really worried what it could mean I’m going through mentally
Dream dictionary: To see cracked or broken eggs in your dream represent feelings of vulnerability or a fragile state in your life. Consider the phrase, walking on eggshells. Alternatively, you may be breaking out of your shell and being comfortable with who you are.
I thought that was pretty cool. I think it’s rather interesting how much dreams line up with your reality.
So here we go…more breaking out of my shell and a fragile state in my life.
Here’s to some big changes.
It’s been rather snowy few months here in the Midwest. It’s almost like the Midwest knew I was going back to California in the spring and wanted to make sure I had the full Midwest snow experience. (Thanks)
January/February has been a mix of stress, peaceful meditation and moments like the ones I’m experiencing today. Blissful happy and sad memories.
You see I’m working on my second chapbook for my workshop class. I’ve decided to focus on my past relationships. I think it’s about time I’m honest with some of the most intimate moments of my life that involve sex, men and my feelings towards being a woman and growing up feeling like an object of sex. Today I worked on two wonderful new little poems and I’m very excited about both of them.
As of right now I’m very single.
Yes I was talking to and went out on a few dates with this engineer guy but it was a looks better on paper kind of deal. I just have no attention to him. I don’t lay in bed wanting him near me, if anything it’s frustrating that he has tried to meet up with me…a little to needy for my taste.
And I would love to get laid, but let’s be real that’s not going to happen. I’m rather tired of the hook-up.
There is someone I’m crushing on but I’m sure he just views me as a friend. (I hope that’s not true) But it’s more than likely is true…that he doesn’t like me in that way.
I’ve been very into the film Spirited Away lately.
Why? I don’t know. I just have.
I have been feeling very connected to films like Spirited Away, Coraline and Pan’s Labyrinth.
I’m ready to go home soon
Ready to look at MFA programs for my poetry and I’m ready to meet someone whose going to be everything I could never write about.
Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dating, Dreams, Life, Love, Meditation, my writing, poetry, school, Thankful, thoughts, universe, What do you want in a man
I spent the majority of my summer speaking to a few guys.
One that lead to me realizing he just wanted to be my fuck buddy
Another that I still speak to, he’s a nice guy. I liked him last year, but after everything he put me through, now he didn’t do anything terrible just couldn’t make his mind up over me, a past relantionship and the fact that I slept with one of his friends. I’m not about to wait around, be given what little he’s willing to give or work around just his needs. I have needs too.
And the third, well the third one is definitely a disappointment. From speaking to him sense May, someone who was obviously pursuing me. From late night skyping to back and forth conversation. A nice guy, who didn’t talk about wanting to see me naked, just wanted to get to know me. Too good to be true I suppose. I thought this was going to end up finally being a break for me, someone to get to know more and more. Plsu he was moving closer to the town I live in. After three meetings and the fact that he has stopped talking to me I realize this has become nothing but a disappointment. A bummer that I thought this guy was going to be different.
Then again I’ve done with every guy thats walked my way.
That this guy is going to prove me wrong, that for once someone sees me more then sex, more then a body laid out on bed sheets. That this guy is going to change everything.
Now I’m just very down and very disappointed. I know this is especially true because my dream have been extremely voilent. Which is very frustrating because I’ve been up almost every night this week till 4am, then wake up at 9am, working on my poetry, go to class, eat and go off to a few activities for the day.
I hope this feeling goes away soon. I miss sleeping and I have a lot of poems to memorize.
But damn, I’m craving for someone. Don’t have any one in mind but man oh man I am longing for a man. *sigh* Cheesecake is good too
Three weeks ago:
Sitting alone in my parents living room, with the realization setting in that I have to be up in the next three hours to get ready for work, I play the next espiodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” This has been a continuing new obsession of mine. (Which tends to happen every summer) I become very obessed with watching TV shows on Netflix and this summer I have become sucked into “Everybody Loves Raymond”. This espiode I’m on is the one where its Ray’s and Debras 10th wedding aniversary. Debra wants to watch their wedding video, so they pop it in, everything seems to be going well and then, “BAM” a football game cuts in. Ray feels terriable for recording over their wedding video and he can’t get another copy, so he promises to renew their wedding vows. Ray then goes through putting together this wedding together by himself to have in their home and on the day of the wedding a few things goes wrong and Ray also realizes he forgets to write his own wedding vows. At this moment he goes on about how he complains how he ordered Lillies of the Valley but the flower guy messed up, then Debra say’s “You remembered my favorite flower.”
And it is in this moment I realize I want to be in love so badely.
I want someone to remember my favorite flower.
It is this moment, I miss love.
The missing growing into a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that I’m not even sure how to example yet, but missing love begins my obsession and hunger for other aspects of a relationship.
- Kisses up my shoulders, kissing my finger tips
- Tight hugs
- Those smiles only reserved for you
- Someone holding me as I sleep
- Someone to hold me as I cry from a shitty day
- Someone who wants to know about my day
- Someone who loves me
- the butterflies in my stomach
- the stares into eyes
- the complments
- The moments I smile when I think of him
- the flowers
- the ice cream dates
- the hiking dates
- the touch of a hand on my back
- the moment he moves hair out of my face
- someone who wants to take me out on a date
- the moment I realize I am his world
- moments of pure love
- hand holding
I miss love so terribly. I miss love like I miss my home in California.
A longing deep inside of my mind, that hits my heart, my stomach and tickles my toes.
The next tricky step:
- Finding someone who wants me for more then sex
- Finding love….because how do you find something that merely feels like butterflies in your stomach.
But still humans must try to love each other. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. -Elizabeth Gilbert