It’s Wednesday Night and I just did a shot of tequila

 

Last night and tonight I have been celebrating getting published a second time (two poems) as well as winning American Poets prize at my college. So lots of drinks and one step closer to being done with my undergrad.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do after graduation. Sure I’ll be working back at my old high school as a speech coach. But damn I’m dying for the idea of MFA. Then I’m worried and nervous about the idea because everyone makes the idea so insane and difficult. I’m not sure if I’m meant for it. But deep down I’m craving for the idea of it.

We shall see.

Dating is well non-exist and I like it to be that.

This one younger guy in town likes me and has been speaking to me but he’s all over the place. Drinks a lot, doesn’t have friends, play video games and plays these weird ass games. He’s a mature person in moments and then a young immature child a lot of the time. I was thinking about having a quick roll in the hay but the more I think about it the more I’m like ehh. For example he likes to pull this stunt of, “well I won’t contact you until you talk to me first.”

And I’m like are we in middle school again? Plus I think its insulting to me as a person to feel the need to play games with me. Also he needs to learn to groom his beard too.

At this point these little things are just not ok anymore and I want more. I deserve more than games, pride and lack of maturity.

Each night as I’m falling in sleep I whisper in between the eyes no longer staying open and the breathing settling down I say aloud, “I’m falling in love with myself.”

I don’t want anymore and I’m very content. But I know this will not make a few people very happy that I feel this way but those who don’t understand are men I shouldn’t be with.

I’m so restless at the moment. I need to stretch, shake off the molting and expand my wings.

My dreams

Last night I went through a series of crazy ass dreams and lucky enough I woke up remembering a few details. In of my dreams I was on a huge eagle flying, it was dark brown, reds and deep blues. And from what I remember we were working together to save someone or overcome something, but I’m not exactly sure.

So like the weird person I am I looked up an interpretation of dreams:

To see birds in your dream symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

To see an eagle in your dream symbolizes nobility, pride, fierceness, freedom, superiority, courage,  and powerful intellectual ability. It also represents self-renewal and your connection with your spirituality. You will struggle fiercely and courageously to realize your highest ambitions and greatest desires.

Then I remember another dream I had where my room was filled with lit candles:

To see a burning candle in your dream signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.

I thought that was a cool little interpretation and I think both these interpretation have a lot to say for how I have been feeling the past week or so. I think thats always so funky about dreams, that your mind is trying to figure things out when you’re resting and I always love to realize my waking life and my mind at rest are both going through things and figuring everything out.

Egg Shells

 

I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.

*Breaking out of my shell*

That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling  irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.

To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”

I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?

God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.

There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.

Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.

And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a  strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.

I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.

Dreams

Last week was ROUGH. I had a really hard week. From poetry, friends and men.

But this last week I finally spoke up in my life.

I’ve always been a quite person, the silent observer you learned about in interpersonal class on working groups. I was a shy little kid and thanks to speech and debate, poetry and a few friends most people don’t believe me at all that I’m shy.

Yet I have barely spoken up when it comes to serious conversations in my life. I’ve always felt I could never articulate myself, especially after years of special education I’ve never treated my thoughts or my voice as something of intellectual significance. So I’ve remained rather silent. Until I found poetry, a place to write out all my thoughts out. Because I had time to think my ideas and thoughts over and put them down in a way for people to hear my voice. Which is funny because that’s what everyone really loved about my poetry, that you could hear this voice.

And thanks to writing poetry for a year now I notice I’m speaking up more and more in my life. But it’s really hard and very exhausting as well.

I was tested this week, not only with speaking up but with how much I love poetry.

I had a dream Saturday night, where there was a shit ton of cracking egg shells and some broken ones as well.

Decided to look it up because I was really worried what it could mean I’m going through mentally

Dream dictionary: To see cracked or broken eggs in your dream represent feelings of vulnerability or a fragile state in your life. Consider the phrase, walking on eggshells. Alternatively, you may be breaking out of your shell and being comfortable with who you are.

I thought that was pretty cool. I think it’s rather interesting how much dreams line up with your reality.

So here we go…more breaking out of my shell and a fragile state in my life.

Here’s to some big changes.

My Spirited Heart

It’s been rather snowy few months here in the Midwest. It’s almost like the Midwest knew I was going back to California in the spring and wanted to make sure I had the full Midwest snow experience. (Thanks)

January/February has been a mix of stress, peaceful meditation and moments like the ones I’m experiencing today. Blissful happy and sad memories.

You see I’m working on my second chapbook for my workshop class. I’ve decided to focus on my past relationships. I think it’s about time I’m honest with some of the most intimate moments of my life that involve sex, men and my feelings towards being a woman and growing up feeling like an object of sex. Today I worked on two wonderful new little poems and I’m very excited about both of them.

As of right now I’m very single.

Yes I was talking to and went out on a few dates with this engineer guy but it was a looks better on paper kind of deal. I just have no attention to him. I don’t lay in bed wanting him near me, if anything it’s frustrating that he has tried to meet up with me…a little to needy for my taste.

And I would love to get laid, but let’s be real that’s not going to happen. I’m rather tired of the hook-up.

There is someone I’m crushing on but I’m sure he just views me as a friend. (I hope that’s not true) But it’s more than likely is true…that he doesn’t like me in that way.

I’ve been very into the film Spirited Away lately.

Why? I don’t know. I just have.

I have been feeling very connected to films like Spirited Away, Coraline and Pan’s Labyrinth.

I’m ready to go home soon

Ready to look at MFA programs for my poetry and I’m ready to meet someone whose going to be everything I could never write about.

Meditations: Animal Spirit Totems and Twin Flame

 

 

 

Its pretty obvious I’ve been struggling with relationships on different platforms these last few weeks. I’ve been left feeling rather heart-broken and very disappointed in men [boys] who have left me with empty promises. A cycle of getting over the idea of something exciting happening and the promise that one of these mornings I will wake up to someone holding me.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt someone.

Today I decided it was time to figure out my Animal totems. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a few years now and I after speaking to a friend on Tuesday evening I felt it was about time I did something about it. After reading a lot and meditating where I ended up passing out for 45 minutes I realized how silly I was to not have known my animal totems. I read a lot of article and books today that spoke about how your animal totems tend to be animals that are recurring throughout your daily life, they pop up everywhere and you have always been interested in them. During my meditation as I was laying on a sandy beach I discovered three:

• A cat, orange and white appeared to me. Which is freaky because the past few weeks I have been seeing this cat named copper when I go over to visit my friend Alicia We think he must belong to someone in the neighborhood. Copper [the name we gave him] first appeared on Halloween, which was the week this guy I was hopeful for something told me it wasn’t working out and to stay away. This cat brought me so much comfort to me that night. I’ve always felt very connected with cats too. I’ve had my cat since I was six. Also….ok this sound silly and I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this in a long time but when I was a kid at recess I would pretend I was a cheetah. I shit you not my three dream jobs as a kid where, U.S Women’s Soccer player, Zoo veterinarian and Cheetah. I also remember acting out the Lion King in preschool a lot too.
• The second animal that came to me was my old dog Sassy. Which I didn’t expect to happen, to encounter a childhood pet. She was a Kerry Blue Terrier.  Sassy died when I was in kindergarten though, I saw her get hit by a car. I loved her so much and I miss her everyday. It was comforting to see her again, but this time she came to me during mediation.
• The last animal that arrived was this large golden eagle….go figure. But to be honest I was surprised to see this Marahute looking bird land down besides me. I’ve never felt very connected to birds, or so I thought. I woke up in middle hug with this bird to realize I not only have a feather dream catcher above my head on my ceiling, but I have a large feather by my desk I randomly found one day and hung up a week before I found out about my ex cheating on me. Then of course these necklace which I tend to wear as I perform.

Also I was reminded how much wings end up in my poetry. So maybe I have been more connected to birds then I thought I was. I mean my chapbook does end with a poem about this giant bird.

Then after this meditation I stumbled upon another meditation  and books on “finding your twin flame.”

Twin Flame:  A twin flame is quite literally the soul’s other half, which parted before entering the 3rd dimensional experience and human incarnation. Basically it’s another form of a “soul mate” in a way. Plato and the New Testament of the Bible both discuss the idea that we were once whole but then got divided into two. Of course Twin Flame involves a lot more meditation and chakras opening and of course understanding the need to put aside the “ego.” It’s also important to note there was a lot on the whole idea that once you find your “Twin Flame” that means you both are on your last life on Earth, your last reincarnation. I thought what they heck! I’m going to do this sweet ass guided meditation I found and maybe I’ll figure someone stuff out.

Now I’ve done a few guided meditations before, so I’m aware if they are working or not. This one was rather interesting. I was ahead of the steps a little bit, which is a good sign. It Means I was deeply in the meditation and my mind was ahead of where she was guiding me. You meet this man in all white robes, blue eyes, he holds his hand out and you grab a hold of it and in this moment I broke down crying. For a good amount of the meditation I was crying. Then I met my Twin Flame. Well, I lost the image of him. I’m going to do the meditation again to get a better image of him, but it I know it was a man. He was tall and he made me break down even more. I asked him to contact me more, because I need to know he’s there thinking about me. He asked me to be strong, that I needed that. We were asked to give each other a gift, without hesitation I handed my favorite writing journal over and without hesitation he handed me a pen.

It was a rather an extremely emotion experience for me. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I want to go back to that meditation to get a better picture of him, because the feelings were so strong.

Listed below are some of the attributes of a twin flame relationship:

1. You had dreams or visions of this person and/or your energetic relationship before ever meeting in this lifetime.
2. Meeting your partner felt like “coming home” to a familiar, long-lost energy. After meeting, you had “memories” of other times and places with that person that are not part of this life experience so far.
3. Your partner mirrors your own issues, concerns, and imbalances, but you also complement each other’s skill sets, talents, and capacities. You are the ultimate embodiment of yin/yang.
4. At least one partner is of higher frequency, possibly a First Waver, Indigo, and/or Crystal, or is genetically related to one.
5. You may be of different ages, the same or opposite sex, vastly different backgrounds, “opposing” religions or cultures, but you feel an incredible unity or incomparable sense of oneness with your partner.
6. You feel each other’s symptoms, illnesses, and emotions even when you are not near each other or in communication.
7. Your functioning is impaired or much less optimal when you are apart from your twin flame. It physically and mentally hurts when you are not together.
8. When you are with your partner and the relationship is in balance, you become stronger, more powerful, and more capable than you have ever felt. You feel united in a mission or “calling” to serve others and the world.
9. Your unconditional love for your partner is like no other. Your partner is likely to have a certain habit, quality, or “baggage” that would be a deal-breaker for you in any other relationship. However, you overlook it or willingly work through it with this partner– no matter what it takes.
10. You met your partner when one or both of you were in other relationships or otherwise “unavailable.” It’s likely that you met when and where you were least consciously expecting it.
11.  Either you or your partner feared the power of the twin flame connection and ran from the relationship so as not to feel overwhelmed and/or vulnerable. Years may go by before you are both in the “place” to finally commit fully to the relationship.
12. The partner who ran from the twin flame relationship finally “wakes up” and realizes the significance. His or her “a-ha” moment comes as the result of a loss, illness, or other personal catastrophe. He or she then comes to terms with the fact that there is no other person or priority more important than the twin partner.
13. No matter how many times you break up or separate, forces seems to bring you back together. You see the “signs” and reminders of that twin connection everywhere, urging you back together.
14. Your relationship is characterized by extreme highs and lows, including passion and intense pain you’ve most likely never felt before.
15. In efforts to harmonize, justify karma, and balance each other, you “push each other’s buttons” and test each other’s limits like no one else has or ever will. Nevertheless, the extreme highs in the relationship consistently get higher.
16. Friends, family members, and others in your circle can’t relate to the twin flame dramas and always try to get you to move on to someone or something else that seems more logical or better for you “on paper.”
17. The growth you experience, the lessons you learn, and the person you become in the twin flame relationship are more significant, happen more rapidly, and are more powerful than any other experience or period of growth in your life.
18. You realize that your previous soul mates or other relationships prepared you for the twin flame reunion. Your twin flame may even have or embody a number of the unusual characteristics or outstanding attributes of your previous mates and soul friends.
19. You feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life for this person. When you look back at your life, you see illnesses, sabotaged relationships, or other situations that  manifested because you were still waiting and still looking for “the one.”
20. Even if you are extremely tired of 3 dimensional existence here on earth, you heal, evolve, mature, and continue to live– just to stay with your twin flame partner.
21. You are an “old soul” and this is your last human experience.
22. The more that you and your twin partner spend time together, the more rapidly and completely you awaken to higher consciousness.
23. You have a deep knowing that your twin partner is your destiny– not just in this lifetime, but also when you ascend, return “home,” and are reunited for eternity.

I know this must sound so silly to a good chunk of you, but I’m sick of shying away from this spiritual stuff that I love reading about and meditating about. Mediation as gotten me so far and has healed me so much. Even if this stuff is just silly at the end of the day I don’t care because I’m closer to knowing myself then half the population out there.

I do worry if I will meet my Twin Flame in this life. Maybe I will….maybe I won’t. Sometimes I sit here and worry….more I try to make peace with the idea that I’m not going to meet anyone, I’m not going to get married and I’m not going to find the love I’m looking for. I’ve started to make peace with this idea. But I fear I can’t live like that, it psychically hurts my chest when I think like that. But I also feel like everyone meets me and crushes on me then turns and walks out the door but they realize what I have been keeping from myself for years now. I want someone, I’m looking for a relationship, I’m looking for that one love. I need to stop kidding myself. Because it appears every other man [boy] knows this. I need to admit this to myself right now.

“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment.”
–Plato

 

 

It’s been rough, Zombie rough

I sang in a show on Saturday! Badass zombie make-up

My poetry has been rather frustrating lately. Not the poetry’s fault, but I do blame all my class work and certain events that have taken place that have really put a damper on my work. Which sucks because I have a huge contest deadline on Thursday and I’m not too happy with the product I have right now. I haven’t had a lot of people willing to go through my stuff and I haven’t had the time to write and it’s very much effecting my moods. Lets hope this mood goes away soon.

I had to deal with some assholes last week. The mens club that goes on without the poetry community is one of the worst ones out there. No my name is not baby and you’re a pig for not only performing drunk, for thinking your shit is gold but especially for rubbing up against women. (More on this later maybe.

(SCHOOL IS A BITCH AND A HALF)

I must confess I have been struggling with posting this last week and I have so much to say now I feel like this post may be rather too long but FUCK IT!

The one that wants to be the fuck-buddy emailed me a second time and sent me a friend request. GO AWAY! He has been nothing but drama in my life and I don’t need any more of that in my life.

Virgin Cornfield guy called me out of the blue tonight. Which was funny because I was crying. He told me I could come over lay down and just fall asleep, you know get away. Which I was rather tempted to, because comfort right now is something I’m dying for, but i know this is something I need to get through without needing someone. Plus he’s not the guy I want comforting me.

THAT guy (the one I really like right now) seems to have stop speaking to me. I know I could be over doing it, so what if he hasn’t text me in three days. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the fact that he’s bailed so many times before this just worries me even more. He just has promised so much these last few days and out of no where just kind of stopped speaking to me. I’m so sensitive to stuff right now and this is just going to drive me rather crazy, especially since we kissed the last week. For all I know he’s changed his mind. (Not sure what to do)

The hardest thing to deal with at the moment…my kitty cat back at home in California is not doing so hot. She’s 20 years old and she’s been my bestest little friend for these last 20 years now. My mom keeps sending me these cute little texts and stuff, like they took her into the vet today and my mom texts me she’s a tough old cat and a fighter. I don’t think she’s going to be around much longer, but if I am to be honest I rather not be home when she decides its time to go. I know I must sound rather silly, because some people don’t care for cats every much or think well it’s only an animal.

But I don’t think it’s silly. She’s my best friend, she was there when my doggy was hit by a car, she was there during the moments I felt so stupid and struggled each time in school. She was there after each break ups. She was always there and she’s always been there for me. It’s hard to think I won’t have that little cat in my corner for much longer. She’s the last of my childhood pets and my God I’m going to miss her to pieces when she’s gone and I think that may be happening pretty soon. (I’m Praying for you Kitty cat) I wish I could give her one last hug, but she knows I love her.

Adele: Make you feel my love

God, I need a pick me up after these last few weeks.
I’m burnt out and about to give up.

And I hope my writing picks up too

Disappointed

I spent the majority of my summer speaking to a few guys.

One that lead to me realizing he just wanted to be my fuck buddy

Another that I still speak to, he’s a nice guy. I liked him last year, but after everything he put me through, now he didn’t do anything terrible just couldn’t make his mind up over me, a past relantionship and the fact that I slept with one of his friends. I’m not about to wait around, be given what little he’s willing to give or work around just his needs. I have needs too.

And the third, well the third one is definitely a disappointment. From speaking to him sense May, someone who was obviously pursuing me. From late night skyping to back and forth conversation. A nice guy, who didn’t talk about wanting to see me naked, just wanted to get to know me. Too good to be true I suppose. I thought this was going to end up finally being a break for me, someone to get to know more and more. Plsu he was moving closer to the town I live in. After three meetings and the fact that he has stopped talking to me I realize this has become nothing but a disappointment. A bummer that I thought this guy was going to be different.

Then again I’ve done with every guy thats walked my way.

That this guy is going to prove me wrong, that for once someone sees me more then sex, more then a body laid out on bed sheets. That this guy is going to change everything.

Now I’m just very down and very disappointed. I know this is especially true because my dream have been extremely voilent. Which is very frustrating because I’ve been up almost every night this week till 4am, then wake up at 9am, working on my poetry, go to class, eat and go off to a few activities for the day.

I hope this feeling goes away soon. I miss sleeping and I have a lot of poems to memorize.

But damn, I’m craving for someone. Don’t have any one in mind but man oh man I am longing for a man. *sigh* Cheesecake is good too

And masturbating.

Let the universe fall to my soles

Three weeks ago:

Sitting alone in my parents living room, with the realization setting in that I have to be up in the next three hours to get ready for work, I play the next espiodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” This has been a continuing new obsession of mine. (Which tends to happen every summer) I become very obessed with watching TV shows on Netflix and this summer I have become sucked into “Everybody Loves Raymond”. This espiode I’m on is the one where its Ray’s and Debras 10th wedding aniversary. Debra wants to watch their wedding video, so they pop it in, everything seems to be going well and then, “BAM” a football game cuts in. Ray feels terriable for recording over their wedding video and he can’t get another copy, so he promises to renew their wedding vows. Ray then goes through putting together this wedding together by himself to have in their home and on the day of the wedding a few things goes wrong and Ray also realizes he forgets to write his own wedding vows. At this moment he goes on about how he complains how he ordered Lillies of the Valley but the flower guy messed up,  then Debra say’s “You remembered my favorite flower.”

And it is in this moment I realize I want to be in love so badely.

I want someone to remember my favorite flower.

It is this moment, I miss love.

The missing growing into a feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that I’m not even sure how to example yet, but missing love begins my obsession and hunger for other aspects of a relationship.

I miss:

• Kisses up my shoulders, kissing my finger tips
• Tight hugs
• Those smiles only reserved for you
• Someone holding me as I sleep
• Someone to hold me as I cry from a shitty day
• Someone who wants to know about my day
• Someone who loves me
• the butterflies in my stomach
• the stares into eyes
• the complments
• The moments I smile when I think of him
• the flowers
• the ice cream dates
• the hiking dates
• the touch of a hand on my back
• the moment he moves hair out of my face
• someone who wants to take me out on a date
• the moment I realize I am his world
• moments of pure love
• hand holding

I miss love so terribly. I miss love like I miss my home in California.

A longing deep inside of my mind, that hits my heart, my stomach and tickles my toes.

The next tricky step:

• Finding someone who wants me for more then sex
• Finding love….because how do you find something that merely feels like butterflies in your stomach.

But still humans must try to love each other. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. -Elizabeth Gilbert

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m just a horny redhead

Its been a stressful week to say the least, but after a margarita, an excellent bottle of wine and without sounding too much like an alcoholic, “I’m feeling much better.”

Come to think of it, I did just get my period and without sounding too much as though I’m stereotyping myself but I’m pretty sure I cried this week exactly because of that little red bastard. Especially when I’ve ended up crying at the end of each movie I’ve watched this week. FYI Sally’s body: Jaws should not make you cry.

Last night I fell asleep to a guided sleep and positive thoughts meditation. Which lead to vivid dreams and of course I only remember a few details that I can write out on paper and actually look up on Dream Dictionary. I remember walking into a large, beautiful hotel. I remember just being on the jungle cruise and now I’m in this beautiful room with five other women, that I don’t know and there are these toys in the main room. They almost seem to be Disney themed toys in some ways, so I remember thinking I must be at a Disneyland hotel. These are the toy animals I remember seeing and also thanks to Dream Dictionary I’ve heard their explanation of what it all means.

1. Giraffe: To see a giraffe in your dream suggests that you need to consider the overall picture. Take a broader view on your life and where it is headed. The dream may serve to indicate how you are “sticking your neck out” for someone.
2. Hippopotamus: To see a hippopotamus in your dream symbolizes your aggressive nature and your hidden strengths. You have more influence and power than you realize. Alternatively, it indicates that you are being territorial. Perhaps someone is overstepping their boundaries.
3. Lion: To see a lion in your dream symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents dignity, royalty, leadership, pride and domination. You have much influence over others. You also need to exercise some restraint in your own personal and social life. Alternatively, a lion represents your need for control over others. You have to be in charge.

Other aspects of the dream I remember wearing this gorgeous long light silver dress, so I looked up the color silver because it was a big aspect to me in this dream.

1. Silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy.

What these colors, animals and dreams mean to me…I don’t know, but I do think these images, colors, animals do represent aspects of emotions I’m going through.

It’s important to note I’ve had another long conversation with an old friend. Trying to understand the root of the problem with not only work but with relationships.

I have a fear of being betrayed, from the people closest to me. I constantly live in fear of people using me, and getting up and leaving. After this month I have not been convinced otherwise

Hoping my dreams will clear everything up.