Tag Archives: fml

In a pickle (FML)

I’m stuck between a rock and fucking problem. I’m still not exactly sure if I know the whole story, or maybe I’m just lying to myself. No I’m sure I don’t know the whole story. Just the fragments, the pieces of what must be a much bigger and more complicated story/issue.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. Really nice, sweet guy, the conversations are easy and he’s a lot of what I’ve been looking for. And those negative qualities I’ve seen so far I’m willing to put up with. Now a week after meeting him, he told me he was “seeing someone.” Now problem number one “seeing one” can mean a bunch of different stuff for different people. Which really sucks because I’m pretty sure after Wednesday night over hearing the word “girlfriend” flying out his kind of tipsy mouth that there is more going on. Which prompted a very long drunk conversation outside, that I kind of remember and I kind of remember talking about poetry…goddamit Sally! Really? Of course drunk Sally starts talking about poetry and my ex’s and when I was cheated on, of course!

I’m so confused at the moment. Because this guy he not acting like I would assume he would. After large amounts of assholes and my fair share of watching my ex cheat I’m confused. Because I’ve met a huge chunk of his very good friends, we are friends on Facebook and well after Wednesday night he called to say sorry and talk to me. Maybe I’m just acting very stupid and very naive.

But this guy could just take off, get out of here, never talk to me again. Like every other guy has done to me. But he hasn’t and maybe he will eventually. But my gut tells me he’s a sincere guy, who does like me a lot. Maybe more than he should.

But I could never be the other woman. Never.

So I will talk to him soon. I will ask him whats going on and I will him what I kind of remember telling Wednesday night when we both were drunk. I will tell him what I have been too nervous to tell most guys. I want more than the hook-up, more than a back up and deserve more than that. I always have deserve more. And I don’t want to ever hurt another woman’s heart so I can have happiness.

I’m very sad and very heart-broken over this, because I know exactly how this is going to play out. He will say sorry, he will feel like shit and he go back to the life he was living. Because there is nothing romantic about leaving someone else for another.

It’s funny because I wonder if this so suppose to happen, I mean something like this situation was bound to happen. People being a part of monogamous relationships at my age seems less and less.

Last month I was thinking a lot about what happened with me. Last night I also told Valerie I don’t think I’m mad at the other woman anymore. To be honest I think I would have gotten over it/her a lot faster if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew her very well and that Thrilla took my car and well how I found out about it.

It was weird to be in these shoes. Different and I told Valerie I’m sad that Thrilla handle things the way they did. Because you know I do think they really loved each other and really were happy together. I wish he would have just broken things off right when things started to become than friends. I’m a bit sad for them in that sense. If only they would have handled it better.

I think they would be together… maybe be happy. And I would be much happier too and without some baggage. I suppose these are the lessons I needed to learn though and has fueled a lot of my soul. Without being cheated on i don’t think I would have ever moved on from Thrilla and I don’t know if I would have ever found poetry.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it.

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Filed under Being a woman, Causal, Confessions, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, FML, Life, my writing, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar

Saturday was one of the most refreshing nights I’ve had in a while. Especially since this night almost didn’t even happen.

I was rather stressed on Saturday and after a weeks worth of life choices ranging from naked in the wrong bed, hang over Wednesday and having to let go of a guy I thought could have been something more than just friends.

From crying in the shower, to still being drunk at 8am on Wednesday it was definitely hell last week. Saturday night going out didn’t seem like the best of ideas, especially with all the poetry I have to memorize and papers I feel behind in.

My friend Alicia invited me to go out to this bar, let call it “Navy Blue.” At first I said, “no, I’m working on a bunch of stuff.” Then some divine feeling, or maybe I was just thirsty ripped to me and I text her back, ‘you know what, yeah come pick me up.” After drinking with Alicia and three other couples, Valerie finally arrived. “THANK GOD!” Too many couples. You know those couples that all just want to hold each other and buy each other drinks and talk about couple things, so when you throw in a “guess who I spelt with this week!?” Then they just stare at you.

Now I told Alicia I was only going out to Navy Blue for drinks but the rest of the group was planning on going out to this “Irish bar.” Again this “spirit” deep down inside me was like, “ahh, Fuck it…LETS go!”

For the majority of the night sitting at this large table you could see the three couples and then to the right, “the single bitches.” Proudly objecting the men who decided to come into the bar in power ranger costumes, “dat ass!” Fast forward a few hours, Alicia catches her eyes on a very good-looking guy. Valerie, Alicia and I are a very bad combination drinking and horny as shit. We walk by them to get drinks and I’m not going to go into detail about the secret skills it takes to get a guy attention.

Oh wait….we’re good looking…..so it took nothing….I just had to flip my red hair and smile.

Two free drinks later we are joking with this creepy old man at the bar who happens to have two belly buttons! His name is Horseshoe. I shit you not and he told my friend Alicia that, “her cleavage looks like a midget’s butt crack.”

Eventually these three good-looking guys, who are very tall (that’s important during these economic times) invited us back to their house. We went, because why the fuck not. Of course Valerie made me promise we must all go home together.

These three guys names shall be: “He likes to party,” “Batman” and “In my pants.”

So after a game of Cards Against Humanity and King’s cup.

During King’s cup Alicia decides its best to make the rule that at the end of every sentence you have to end, “In my pants.” Of course I’m very drunkenly entertained by this, so is this good-looking guy who makes a point to move next to me. Eventually people step out of the room long enough that we make out and I end up on top of him making out. “Hot,HOT,HOT” ALL THAT IS GREEN ON EARTH I SHOULDN”T HAVE STOPPED HAVING SEX!”

Finally its time to go, it’s 3am and I have to be somewhere by 7am. We all exchange numbers and head home. Of course In my pants guys and I text till 4am and then I passed out. Next day we text a lot, he makes it very clear he wants to see me again. I definitely do, even if this just ends up being a hook-up.

Then like every great moment I’ve been having these past few weeks, reality comes crashing in. Now I cannot confirm and deny this, but for what I’ve gathered. In my pants guy may not only have a girlfriends but they are engaged! Now from the information I have I could be %100 off, but I don’t know if I’m wrong or right. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Valerie asked me what I’m going to do and I told her I’m going to do what I never got. I’m going to back away, I didn’t know and now I do, so I’m not going to add more damage to a relationship that’s obviously not working out anymore. That’s their mess, not mine and I don’t want to dive deeper into the pain that will eventually surface.

And of course I never want to be the other women.

I must confess though, it’s hard to not want to text him and just hook up with him. I will always have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That, “someone did this to me so why not?”

I also wonder if this is the universe testing me, like what would I do if the roles were resivse. Wondering if I would keep to my word and feelings towards cheating. I believe this was a lesson and test the universe was putting me through. Or maybe I’m saying this to make myself feel better about when i was cheated on twice, by two different guys.

of course I never would cheat or be involved in cheating. I went through far too much and I still deal with that betrayal. For the rest of my life my ex-boyfriend cheating on me will forever be a deep scar that I will carry around and I don’t want to know I ever caused others pain. So I will back away, especially until I find out the truth.

I’m not going to lie though. I’m pretty bummed. I thought I was finally getting somewhere in dating. So now I just want to give up on dating and become pie.

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Life would be easier to just be pie.

I’m going to admit it here if it’s not already crystal clear. I want a relationship. More than the drunk sex, the confused back and forth guys and the ones in relationships or the ones who can’t let go. I want a best friend again. It’s been so long since I’ve had someone I was in a inmate relationship with someone who was my best friend.

I’m slowly giving up on finding someone. I’m beginning to come to the terms more and more each day that maybe I was never really meant to meet someone, be with someone and fall in love in the ways I have day dreamed about for years.

Because as of right now, no man “boy” can handle being with a woman like me.

So I’ll just eat some pie.

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Filed under Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Friends, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

I better get some damn good ass Karma after turning down sex twice

Twice tonight two men have hit me up for a good old-time.

Men I have had hook ups with before.

And twice have I said, “No I can’t. I have a paper to work on.”

I haven’t had sex since May! MAY MAAAAAAAAYYY And I said no.

I’m either stupid, accidentally drunk and I’m not thinking, I’m masturbating too much or I have been eating too much cake or I’m just I don’t know…AHHH

I think someone should give me a medal. AND GOD! YEAH! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! YOU OWE ME!

Dear Bruiser,

Get yourself together because I want to have sex with you and you’re killing me! Killing me!

I had to post this up, it’s not every night at 3am not just one guy but two and a kind of third hit you up.

AHHH SEX!

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Filed under Confessions, FML, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, school, sex, single girl problems, Struggles, This would happen to me (funny), WTF?

Lions, Tigers, Bears and my birth control

Remember how in my more recent posts I spoke about how I just found out they [the stupid birth control making people] “the manufacturer’s” stopped manufacturer  my brand of birth control “Loestrin 24” aka the birth control I always accidentally call “Lustrine” [God Damn my life]

So the wonderful birth control making people decided to make “Minestrin.” It’s the same damn thing, but you can chew this one, which I say, “WHAT THE FUCK?!” “NO.” I do not want to chew my pill. First have you ever seen a pill before? They are so small and second I’ve been taking them since I was 17 years old, I think I got this shit on lock down. Expect for that time one pill fell down the sink but that’s why I no longer take them near sink like drains now but still I think I’m good to go!

I even told my roommate Valerie, “Watch before we know it they will have birth control in gummy form.” And she replies, “OMG I WOULD I LOVE TO TAKE THOSE!”

So my doctor was out-of-town until Thursday, then they call and tell me I have to find out what my health insurance covers and I’m like, “umm so you don’t even care what I take?!” So I tell them I’ve already check so they are like, “Oh ok we will send it off.”  Then I get a text on Thursday. Oh boy! My birth control is at the pharmacy in California! So I had to call two pharmacist and thank goodness the lady working there is a normal human and understands where I’m coming from.

All thursday though I have been uncontrollably crying at everything! You see if I’m even off by a few hours of taking my pills my body freaks out and well I cry at shit like this:

Shit I was crying about for hours: Valerie comes home and finds me crying on our porch and I go in how they call this bear, lion and tiger trio the “BLT” I can’t stop crying and she’s like, “Oh my God Sally!”

#BLT

And now its friday, I finally got a call to come pick up my pills at CVS! Hallelujah! Then as I’m walking out of CVS I walk past the all the cards and I see these Boofle cards and I have to rush out of the store before I start to cry again! OH MY GOD WHATS WRONG WITH ME! I NEED MY PILLS!

As I’m sitting at the local coffee shop I visit almost everyday I’m about to take my pills, because I am lady and a lady takes her birth control next to a bunch of strangers drinking coffee and reading The Da Vinci Code because clearly they made a life choice this morning too.

THEN I REALIZE!!! I HAVEN’T TAKEN MY PILLS IN SIX DAYS! I call the pharmacist again and they tell me to start this Sunday, so I have to go through this crying hell for another few days! And of course use other forms of protection for a while and I should have just told her over the phone, “Oh ok.”  But what I did say was, “Oh I haven’t had sex since May and that’s not changing anytime soon, so its all good.”

Looks like I’m going to be crying a lot this week.

This is worst then the time I cried every time I saw this commercial: Budweiser Clydesdale Commercial, Super Bowl 2013  

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Worthy of being F______

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I am tired of boys. Tired of boys who only have the courage to speak to me drunk.        “Which equals just want a hook up.”

Tired of the boys that think they are fucking me like a man.

I am tired of the back and forth. Tell me they have sturggles, insecurities and bullshit.  (Then they mess with me.) I am tired of being played. Tired of getting my hopes up. Tired of thinking boys will change.

Tired of waiting for boys to step up to the plate and become men.

Tired of the boys that want me to be their side woman to the woman they call “getting back together, but it’s not serious.”

I am tired of not being taken to dinner. Not being told I’m beauitful and I’m tired of being the fuck buddy, then being judged for who I sleep with. Being looked at as not the standard of a woman.

I swear if anyone sits here and pulls that dating quote that states, well you get what you give out. Be 23 again and let me know how dating goes for you. Let me know what else boys 21-23 think about besides sex.  Nothing.

I’m over the games.

At the point of just feeling hurt, used, confused and finally realizing that I ended up the “easy fuck.”

At least I know what I am worthy of.

Still, I will always hope a boy will step up to the plate and be the man I hope they really are inside.

Until then I am fuckable

worthy of being fucked

slang for body warmer.

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The Dilemma of the Century

I am eating up the very words from my last post and not quite sure if they are sitting well in my stomach anymore. After some recent information I’ve received from someone who I ended up liking that I never thought liked me or I  would ever would like in the terms of a crush. I am now stuck in a dilemma. That has rendered me frustrated, a bit disappointed in myself and now stuck.

Having a crush on someone is never easy. Having a crush on someone after my boyfriend of four years cheats on me for five months, having a crush on someone after going through five other guys. Some just understood hook ups, some that broke my stitched up heart that basically strung me along the ride they wanted until they got what they wanted, having a crush on someone after having more than three drunken break down crying episodes with my best friend Valerie.

The least I can say is, “it’s hard for me right now.”

As a woman it’s hard  to trust any guy, weather in the terms of him as a boyfriend, a crush, a fuck buddy or just a friend. I am struggling to trust guys again. I don’t know how to make this turn around myself. I don’t know where I need to cut the line.

At least I love myself. I’m happy in my career choices and I love my art form to pieces and would never trade any of the feelings that grow inside of me as I write poetry. When I write, when I am in workshop and when I sit in the coffee-house; that’s the woman I am growing into.My God she is going to be a beautiful, strong, gifted woman. I can see this in myself and I cannot wait to fully grow into this woman.

 I guess the rest of me is now trying to work on the “dating.”

Being told by a crush that they backed away from you because you slept with their friend sucks. It sucks like if I had watched the Harry Potter movies and never picked up the books. It sucks like going to your regular coffee-house, where you order the same tea every single time (Green Raspberry tea with Honey) and this time you order something different (for shits and giggles) then it your like, I rather have my old tea again, “What was I thinking.”

I let my past get in the way of enjoying something. I got worried they would leave me (even in a causal situation) I left first. I cannot believe I did the thing I was fearing I would end up doing. I’m trying to beat guys to leaving me. Am I surprise?

No.

This morning I got Subway, then I bought “It’s been a day and the day is not even close to being over” wine.

This morning I made a decision. I told this one guy I like him and I’m willing try something “anything” with him. I am willing to stop hooking up, which in honestly I haven’t done since the neighbor. But in honesty this is who I really am at the end of the day. My deepest desire is to have a monogamous relationship with someone. This of course is not how I’ve been living my life this past year and I think this small portion of my poem shows how I feel about my body. Marachute, the Haast Eagle

Today I also told the one guy I hooked up with that it’s not going to happen again. Regardless on how this other guy feels about me. This was something I needed to do. I like this other guy and I don’t want to hurt him.

If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out and searching through my heart and soul right now I’m ok with that. I had moved a week ago and never thought in my wildest dreams this would be happening and I would sitting here writing this all out. I never thought my Saturday night would end with my cutting off hook ups.

I fucked up. I regret it. I’m kicking myself in the ass.

Sometimes I forget other people have insecurities too. I forget people maybe do care about me and my actions do affect them.

My only hope is that maybe they can move on from the weirdness. Because yes I have insecurities too, I have suit cases filled with broken hearts, sexual adventures and lost puzzle pieces. I may have been cheated on, I may have been used and I may hurt but these things will not stop me from who I like and I am willing to trust and unpack my suit cases. I just I have to remember when you go to unpack your baggage not everyone is going to like your past fashion choices.

These are the moments I feel slutty.

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Distracted

Just get it all down on paper, because there may be something great in those sex crazy pages that you would never have gotten to by more rational, grown-up means. -Anne Lamott

Listening to: Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles

Went to my home away from home: “the coffee shop” I basically live there now. So I went in today to try and get some of my short story done, I have only one month left before I send it out to some publishers and journals. Also I wanted to work on some stories for my blog, but the words just weren’t coming to me. And I know exactly why. Oh, I know exactly why I couldn’t write. I was far too distracted.

First things first, I have always been a really shy person, I was shy as a little kid and I’m shy still as an adult. Now I’m not as shy as I was when I was seven, plus I don’t hid behind chairs and older adults but still I get shy. Which seems silly to me, because not only was a communication major for two years, but I’m going to be a teacher and also I do Speech and Debate, which basically means I talk for ten minutes straight in front of a group of people that are there to judge me.

But for the life of me, when I sit next to a very attractive guy, I freeze up, can’t talk, and have no idea for the life of me what to say. Its like I almost forget how to act. And this issue clearly didn’t help me with my writing today. I couldn’t write, I was stuck and far too distracted.

I was just a mess. Talk about writers block….

It wasn’t until he left that I actually started writing, I even waited till now to blog about this. And watch he might even be reading this. hahaha. I mean thats fine, if he is. I just get so damn shy and so nervous. It’s moments like these that make wonder how I even was in a relationship/went on dates. It really makes me wonder.

I’m crushing hard right now and it is not helping with my writing.

Shit.

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