Tag Archives: changes

It’s Wednesday Night and I just did a shot of tequila

images

 

Last night and tonight I have been celebrating getting published a second time (two poems) as well as winning American Poets prize at my college. So lots of drinks and one step closer to being done with my undergrad.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do after graduation. Sure I’ll be working back at my old high school as a speech coach. But damn I’m dying for the idea of MFA. Then I’m worried and nervous about the idea because everyone makes the idea so insane and difficult. I’m not sure if I’m meant for it. But deep down I’m craving for the idea of it.

We shall see.

Dating is well non-exist and I like it to be that.

This one younger guy in town likes me and has been speaking to me but he’s all over the place. Drinks a lot, doesn’t have friends, play video games and plays these weird ass games. He’s a mature person in moments and then a young immature child a lot of the time. I was thinking about having a quick roll in the hay but the more I think about it the more I’m like ehh. For example he likes to pull this stunt of, “well I won’t contact you until you talk to me first.”

And I’m like are we in middle school again? Plus I think its insulting to me as a person to feel the need to play games with me. Also he needs to learn to groom his beard too.

At this point these little things are just not ok anymore and I want more. I deserve more than games, pride and lack of maturity.

Each night as I’m falling in sleep I whisper in between the eyes no longer staying open and the breathing settling down I say aloud, “I’m falling in love with myself.”

I don’t want anymore and I’m very content. But I know this will not make a few people very happy that I feel this way but those who don’t understand are men I shouldn’t be with.

I’m so restless at the moment. I need to stretch, shake off the molting and expand my wings.

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Dating, Dreams, Drinking, Hope, Life, my writing, poetry, school

Midwest is calling my name…Sally come drink….Sally come be naked..or just sleep. Yeah lets sleep.

unnamed-4

I have a an hour to kill at the airport and it took all my will to not buy a drink at the bar here. I fought all my will power and common sense that I should buy myself a drink. But I did have to promise myself I can have a few drinks tonight once I’m back in town.

Now lets hope I don’t pass out…I’ve been feeling rather exhausted lately and I’m not sure why. I time finals and the non-stop traveling and working has finally done me in. I cannot wait to just sleep back in my large bed!

Also my little coffee-house and my poetry! I’ve taken two weeks off from writing. not like I haven’t been stewing in some thoughts. Also found a few rather interesting websites as well that will definitely help my work.

Films I watched over my winter break:

*First time being watched (the rest I’ve seen probably too many times)

  • Jaws
  • Lord of the RIngs: The fellowship of the Ring
  • Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
  • Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
  • The Hobbit: The Unexpected Journey
  • *The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
  • *Milk
  • *Lincoln
  • *Monsters University
  • Elizabeth: The Golden Age
  • Some Like it Hot
  • Sound of Music
  • *Wolverine
  • *Star Trek: Into Darkness
  • Elf

I’m also in the process of buying a few more books. These last few days I’ve been looking over books I may want to buy and I think I’ve almost made my final decision.

Without a doubt I’ll be buying Saints and Strangers by Andrew Hudgins

I’m also thinking about The Red Tent, The Beauty Myth, Cinderella Ate my Daughter, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the NIght-Time, or Delusions of Gender. 

I’m looking at a few more as well, but I’m thinking about those books at the moment.

Also I discovered the new love of my life:

Kentucky Orange Blossom

Dear drink, You have given me life in the form of bourbon. Oh gosh I love you.

Note to Self: 

Some things will never change.

and I should have learned this years ago. Should have figured this out the first time Thrilla lied to me about the first break up. Should have learned the first time I figured out I was just your back-up. I guess sometimes we just have to learn the hard way. Not like any of this has been very hard, or hurtful. It really hasn’t to be honest. I’m more disappointed in a friend, a guy i thought had finally grown into a man during the years I had been awhile.

I learned this trip that the best sex I’ve ever had still is the same guy I first left behind in California.

I’ve grown up, but he has yet to find any balance. I am disappointed in someone I had such raw sexual energy with and more importantly disappointed in a friend I thought was looking out for me. But now I know. And this portion on my post will be a reminder to myself to never go back. Because fuck being someones back up.

So here we go….Bring it Midwest!

I’m ready.

Leave a comment

Filed under Books, Drinking, Hope, Life, List, My house, my writing, sex, single girl problems, thoughts

Sally, Go Home (For Christmas)

E.T.-Phone-Home

This is me trying to be clever…

The five love languages

This guy was reading a book about the 5 love languages.

It came as bit of a shock. I suppose a lot of other people are interested in that short of thing and I guess I just assumed the guy reading the book on the airplane would never be into that short of thing.

The five languages of love:

  • Quality Time
  • Gifts
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service
  • Words of Affirmation

Quality time and physical touch are definitely both the biggest components I need in a relationship. I would also say a bit of words of affirmations as well, but that’s more due to all the guys I’ve currently had a thing with. They have now made this “language” more apart of my life.

I ordered cranberry apple on the airplane. It took all my strength to not order Coke, but I haven’t order Soda on a flight in years, I’ve learned when you ask for drinks, like apple juice, cranberry or tomato juice they give you the whole can. I’ve also learned that when you fly on a smaller plane they tend to not have apple juice. For some reason unknown to me, they never have apple juice, like they ran out on the last flight or apples are few and far between. So I order Cranapple, but did I get the whole can? Nope. And this flight isn’t even that full! I also ate a snickers bar. OHH!! Half way through writing this post the flight attendant came back around and refilled my drink! *I really enjoy me some Cranapple

I still can’t grasp the fact that I’m going to home already. I’m only going to be in town for about two weeks and I wish I had decided to stick around a bit longer but I do need to get back to the Midwest early and focus on my chapbook, last of my classes and memorize my poetry tour set. Wish I could be home longer, but it’s also important that I focus on my poetry and really kick my work into high gear during the New Year.

Ever sense my huge break-up a year ago it’s always really weird to fly home and visit. I’ve been away for so long now it’s like stepping into another world. Especially when I have so many wonderful friends back in the Midwest now. It’s also odd because every time I head home I can feel the changes happening throughout my life. This year so much has happened to me (silly me, that happens every year to everyone)

I went through A LOT of men. Dating, hook-ups, sex and the douche-bags of the millennium.

My kitty-cat passed away I love her very much and I will miss her for the rest of my life.

I found poetry. I met a wonderful professor who really lead me to my voice and has been guiding me and editing my work for almost a year now. I almost cried on Saturday during the final class because I only have one more semester to work with him. I’m very sad knowing this, because he’s helped me so much. More then just poetry, he’s also helped understand my strengths and weakness in all aspects of writing that no one else has helped me with before. I am so grateful.

I lost a friendship. I thought Tina and I would become lifetime best friends. I’m very sad this friendship fell apart but this issue has also reminded me that when I have best friends who are willing to put things aside and talk things out. Tina never truly did this. She patched up a hole in my friendship with her and never even tried with Valerie. Patches have a way of falling apart. You can’t always just keep repairing them and then walking away. I want my best friends to be able to step up when things have gone wrong. I want a best friends who don’t want the friendship to end, so they will do anything to make sure it doesn’t fall apart. Tina has been revealed to be two faced. I’m sadden to realize her friendship with Valerie did seem to mean enough to her. But that’s life. Some friends come and go. I’m thankful for the friends that have stuck around in my life.

I finally miss my job. I really miss the high school and every time I see them it’s never the same. But the kids help. The kids getting excited when they see me, makes me excited and makes me miss being around. I fear I won’t end up in my dream job. I fear I won’t become the head coach. The only thing I can do it put my head down, work my ass off and hope that this fear never comes true.

I’m extremely exhausted. Not sleeping for weeks has finally kicked in. I cannot wait to finally get some well deserved rest. I can’t wait to take a bath! I miss baths, because soaking my neck, back and knees feels so wonderful. Poor sore muscles are dying for some bath time.

I can’t wait to see my friends when I get home. I miss them all to pieces and I need some catch up time!

Note* I don’t think I’m going to be having sex anytime soon. From what I’ve witness the last week or so it’s clear he’s moved onto other…well I don’t know onto what but clearly I’m no longer on option of any short. And this is for the best…lets be real I don’t need anymore hooking up. Ugh I hate no sex and no relationship. It’s like I’m on a stupid diet or something. But shit no more for me…just real cake from now on. Or cookies!

Another adventures, more moments of luck, tears, food, family and friends.

Here’s to changing some more in these next two weeks of my life. I would say I’m nervous, very excited and filled with joy but all I can feel right now is how sleepy I’m feeling. Also I have to Tab a high school tournament this Saturday. That’s going to be a long day, but sushi afterwards and downtown!

I’m home…here we go

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Family, Friends, Home, Hope, Life, poetry, thoughts, universe

Closed For the Season? (Condoms and other miscellaneous items on my dresser)

Cali (Home)

Sitting on a departing American Airlines flight that will be heading towards California in a matter of minutes, I look out the window. The terminal slowly moves out of view and my fingers curl over plastic arm rests, my heart races and only one thought comes to mind, “shit I should have had sex last night.” What follows can only be describe as the aftermath of a late night party foul. I continue to repeat in my mind, “well there goes sex for a while, and what were you thinking Sally!” With realization setting in, I begin to feel like a recovering heron addict.

I’m rethinking this whole “Closed for season.”

“Closed for Season” Basically means I’ve chosen to compare myself as hunting season. Or like one of my close friends pointed out could mean snow season for snowboarding, skiing, etc.

I’m at that point of the hunting season where everyone is not aloud to hunt. Which allows all the deer to mate, have little Bambi deers and live happily ever after…until Bambi’s mother gets her head blown off by “man” entering the forest. This metaphor seems to make sense up until the multiplying of deer and the head blown off is a bit much…

“Closed for Season” this where I’ve been the past three weeks. Well until Monday….

 Confession number one: I had sex Monday night. With a previous hook-up from last fall. The random drunk hook-up, where I kind of remember. This time I remembered more…cool. This guy is definitly just a hook-up for me. We do get along, we are friends and we have a good time but this one is clearly and always will be just sex, which I’m %100 ok with. Why am I ok with just sex with this one? I don’t think I will ever really understand or answer this question clearly. I have no answer here.

Confession number two: I met up with another past hook-up Tuesday night. We didn’t have sex and that was definitely a struggle for me. Because this guy….oh hot damn does he know what to do. Also I’m pretty positive he could be reading this…..and I know I had sex with someone on Monday and didn’t have sex with you last night. I know exactly what you would say to me, so no need to say it. haha. (This is directed to you, “Damn your good at what your do, so don’t give me that, because it was really hard to not have sex and I can’t say I won’t when I get back to Peoria two months from now.”) haha

Why have a chosen to not have sex with certain people and ok with others?

Reason number one: The guy I slept with on Monday, like I’ve said before, he is just a hook up. I have no other conncetion then a hook-up from him.

 Other guys: After the asshole and bruiser, I have been feeling very used.

(Used isn’t my favorite word in this instance, but it’s the best word to describe the situation.) More so after asshole but bruiser hasn’t left me much hope when it comes to guys too, but I thought that even if asshole and I hadn’t worked out, we would have still became friends. Of course he preferred to disappear all together.

This has left me filling used, slutty and very alone. Now left here with guys, that are friends as well but I carry the same fear of being used for sex.  This is what I feel with this guy. I’m not saying a have any huge feelings for him, because I barley know him, but I have ended liking him more then a fuck and leave situation. Believe me, this was the last thing I ever imagenie would happen with this guy. Never even thought about sleeping with him. But I am, laying in his bed, in his shower making out and it has been a long time since I’ve enjoyed kissing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this turned on from kissing in a long time.

The fingers through my hair, the kissing of my neck. *Biggest turn on for me* And the kissing of my breast *yet another huge turn on* it’s been a long time since I’ve really just enjoyed these moments, this pre-sex bliss. Then came the moment I decided not to have sex with him. Simply I fear to be used again for sex. I want to know I matter more to someone, even if that is just a good friend.

 Craving deep in my heart right now you be held, to matter to someone.

To see all my guy friends, the way they speak about their girlfriends, the way they speak about the woman they are seeing. Telling me how beautiful she is, how amazing the sex is, how hot she are, how sweet, loving, and how extraordinary talented and bright she is. Geez, I don’t think I have ever had a man say all those wonderful things to others about me or say all those wonderful things to my face.

That’s what I want.

I want to hear wonderful things about me:

About my eyes, hair, hands, freckles, back dimples, my finger prints

 I know I am beautiful. I know I am talented beyond my wildest dreams.  I know I am a sweet, nice girl. I know all these things. Sometimes though, a girl wants to hear it from a guy. Who will look at her so deeply that she feels like she is the only one in the room.

I want to be the only one in the room…

This is what I crave right now and this is why I have stopped myself, well most of the time from having sex with certain guys.

So…here I am. Sitting on an airplane thats headed back to California.

Finally realizing something else…this is the second time I’ve been back since my huge break-up with Vanllia thrilla and around April of last year is when this all started, when he started cheating on me with this other woman. This is when everything in my life kicked into first gear.

This is when my life began to change, before I even knew it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Confessions, Dating, Home, Life, Love, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, Struggles

Let me just sit here, just spin here

With the universe hanging around my neck, trickling down spine and out my breath

The universe around my neck

Spring break this week! Woo! Taking it easy this spring break. Got a lot of cleaning already done and spent my whole weekend sleeping which lead to the most intense vivd dream I’ve ever had. It was so beautiful and breath taking! My mind is finally well rested again and its about time I become spiritually connected again. I’m connecting with the universe once again. I feel so good up and down my soul.

Also I turned my poetry into a local contest last week. So maybe I’ll end up winning something, that would be nice. On that note, I love where my poetry is going at the moment. I’m very excited where my work is going. Writing is becoming more and more a part of myself and I’m falling head over heels with it. I’ve made plans of looking into a MFA programs focusing on poetry. I’m very excited and hoping one day my work will make a difference.

Finally almost done with Eat, Pray, Love! I’m in love with this little book. I just picked it back up again after not reading it for about three months and might I add this was the book I needed for this last weekend and this up coming week. Planning on finishing it up by tonight and going to pick up a new book tonight. By I wanted to talk about a part of the book. Elizabeth Gilbert and a few people she meets in Italy talk about how everything seems to have a word. Like cities and such. They then proceed to talk about what they think their word is. I realized what my word is Resilience. Which is something I hope to get tattooed on my back soon, well Resilience Gene is what I want tattooed on my back and I cannot wait for this tattoo to happen!

I’m looking forward to the changes going on inside of myself and the feelings transforming throughout my body. My spirit is ready for the changes happening.

L’ho provato sulla mia pelle

(I have experienced that on my own skin)

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Books, good energy, Life, my writing, poetry, reading, thoughts, universe

Last week

Last week I was walking to my morning creative writing class.

It was a little cold outside, the trees seemed so empty. Only a few colored leaves remained on the branches and the rest were laid out onto the ground

I don’t remember what I was wearing, what color my shoe laces were, or what we did in my morning class, but I remember looking up, I remember the sky was bright blue and I remember exactly where I was standing when I realized I wasn’t in pain anymore, that the pain from my recent break-up was all gone.

And in this moment I said to myself, “I don’t feel pain anymore.” The best way I can really explain this feeling is quoting the movie P.S. I Love You. Now at the end of the film, Holly says, “I don’t feel Gerry anymore, I think Gerry’s really gone.” (If you’ve never seen the movie, this quote refers the fact that her husband “Gerry has been dead for almost a year now.”

This is how it felt, just in a different context. But all the pain I had been feeling these past few months was finally gone, it was finally all gone, no more terrible pain in the pit of my stomach.

 I really couldn’t believe it and I still can’t believe. I can’t believe the pains gone. I mean its really gone.

I feel different.

I feel like different person after this break-up. Its crazy to say but this break-up really made me grow up, that one final big growth sprout, but not height wise, I mean more emotionally and mentally. Also I think I’ve been holding back me for a few years now. I’m finally me. I’m so much happier, I glow so much more now. My ex boyfriend was really holding me back.

Holding me back in my career,

my school,

speech,

sports,

my writing,

friends,

holding me back,

And at this moment right now I may been struggling with a few issues right now and yes I  cry some nights and other nights I may not glow as bright but I would rather be where I’m sitting right now then everywhere else in the world.

On another note; I realized I’m going back home December 13th. I haven’t been home since my break-up out here with my ex. I’m so different now. I look different, I dress different and I’m so much more of myself.

And I’m so different now, that most people don’t even  recognize me when they see me.

I’m different now. I’m finally back on track with who I’m supposed to be.

I’m glowing again. I’m writing again, I’m smiling more again and I know what I want for my future.

Yes, its scary to be doing this all alone now and its weird to not have someone by my side, someone helping me out with work and holding my hand when I’m crying or comforting when I’m stressed over work and school. But its supposed to be this way, I’m trying to  forget that. This life i’m living, I’m living it for me, i’m here on this earth for me. I can do it by myself, I can hand being on my own.

I’m ok with being alone.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

I love myself, my body and I’m head of heels in love with my work and writing.

These next few years are going to be amazing. I can’t wait for each day.

Leave a comment

Filed under Life, thoughts