Tag Archives: humor

Grapefruit your man

So my wonderful friend Candice sent me this funny as shit Youtube video.

There are no words

I was really trying to think of my own comments to this video but there are no words for this video. just watch it and you’ll understand.

Thank you Candice for showing me funny ass video

I’m sure I’ll never look at a grapefruit the same again.

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Filed under FOOD, funny, WTF?

Yeah…this dry spell is a mess and full of food

Yesterday my three roommates and I drove 45 minutes to a different town to get our hands on:

  1. Jamba Juice
  2. Krispy Kreme Donuts
  3. Sweet Potato Tots <– These were just a plus and weren’t planned until we got into town.

For anyone that lives out in the “middle of no where midwest” you understand the need to venture out and find other kinds of food. Especially when my roommates and I are all from California, where everything you ever wanted is everywhere.

Food tends to be the center of my universe. I’m going to be making a poetry performance trip in April and the first thing I told my roommate was, “I’m going to look up what kind of food they have there.”

Also we are planning a road trip for May and June and the majority of planned out events involve food.

This is my life.

Also for many of my readers of this outrageous blog, I haven’t had sex as of recent. Actually I haven’t sense November. So I so how went on a celibate binge without my knowledge.

Or as my dear friend told me, “Your celibacy is bumming all of out.” And apparently my poetry is missing the nasty like it once had. But I’m sure I still sneak that shit in there a lot.

But last night really confirmed my need to get laid.

Valerie and I stayed up until 2am watching The Voice in our blanket fort we made for the living room, that’s now been up for a week and some days. One Usher makes our loins burn, that was until Usher reminded Valerie of this guy she dated for a while. Still Usher is yummy yum.

Then this guy comes on The Voice and sings and I’m sure Valerie and I both had mini orgasm’s

 

The conversation as he sang-

Valerie: imagine having sex with him

Me: imagine him taking off your clothes and singing

Valerie:  ahhh don’t say that! I’m going crazy!!

 

Yeah…we need to get laid and badly…very badly.

 

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Filed under Being a woman, Confessions, FOOD, funny, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, Struggles

Today I masturbated to a Berry White song, candles and my pretty pink vibrator

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Today (I mean Saturday March 8th) was amazing. Now of course I’m writing this at 3am which is due to the fact that I just watch half of the documentary, My Amityville Horror and after the creepiest fucking picture of a ghost boy we shut off the film and freaked out for 10 minutes and then put on The Office to calm ourselves down. Real ghosts or not and no matter what you believe it was creep as fuck.

But this March 8th was an amazing little day. I got to spend all day at my favorite little coffee shop working on my poetry. Hung out with friends, went to two little house parties, had a nice beer, lots of food all day. I’ve been pushing myself to eat better and eat more throughout my day and my body has been feeling wonderful.

Also I found out today one of my poems found a home! It’s going to be getting published in a University Journal! Yay! It felt wonderful to read the email. They also invited me to read at their university so I’m pretty sure I’m going to attend that. Basically I’m feeling great, because this is another stepping stone for my work. I can’t wait to see where I’ll go from here!

As for the title of this blog, yes I masturbated. Ha!

Honestly I hadn’t recently masturbated the last week or so, but after I had dinner I just got the feeling and ok I happen to have a candle already lit and ok I may have put on some Barry White, because I have a poem where I joke about masturbating as a Berry White song plays so I thought I should actually live up to umm my writing….yeah.

Two things I learned today: I need to get laid and I want a new fancy vibrator

and of course I would talk about masturbation and my poetry getting published in the same goddamn post. Ha!

And this is my life.

FML bahahaha

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Filed under Being a woman, FML, FOOD, funny, poetry, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny)

Gosh, I can be such a mess

Today was beyond hilarious and showed everyone how much I’m a mess of red hair running around.

First I woke up early today to go to the gym and I thought to myself at 8am, I’m going to sleep in a bit longer but I though hey I’ll go on Facebook for a few minutes and then sleep a bit longer. But I forgot last night I decided to be a grown up (kind of) and log out of not only all my emails but my social media sites as well. At 8am trying to remember one of my millions of passwords was a struggle.

Problem 1: Forgot Facebook Password

Problem 2: I Forgot my yahoo password which is the recovery account

Problem 3: Can’t access the recovery email for yahoo but to be honest I don’t even remember that old email.

Problem 4: So next step was to use a new email-used my college email-didn’t send to my email right away and Facebook tells me I should wait 30 minutes so I figure ok i’ll nap for an hour and see when I wake up

Problem 5: Still nothing, so I try another email…still nothing

Problem 6: Try my phone number, but I don’t have a smart phone. Oh don’t worry I tried to send the link to my email, but when i did that it told me I have to use the link through my phone.

So I can’t get on Facebook and I think to myself ok that’s not all that bad.

Problem 7: OMG MY SPOTIFY! I need that for when I’m working on poetry.

So I made myself a new spotify account.

*THIS IS MY LIFE**

Also I went to my poetry workshop today and I’m sitting in there with one of my peers and we are chatting and having a good time being in class earlier and I look down at my shirt and I realize: “Damn, my shirt is inside out.”

Shit.

This was my day all day!

 

 

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Filed under about me, FML, funny, This would happen to me (funny)

Pizza & Sex (Places you don’t want to get sauce in) Or do you…

“I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.” -Mike Birbiglia

Now that I’ve finished my chapbook I’ve given myself a few days of down time. Letting my mind rest and my body just lay down in bed or watching movies in the downstairs living room with a plate of cookies.

Since I’ve been “trying” to not work on my poetry I’ve been scanning the internet reading other blogs and articles. Tonight I came across a post Thought Catalog: 7 Types Of Pizza That Would Make Great Lovers If They Were People.” 

After reading the title I became extremely excited about reading a post not only having to do with food, but is resonate talking about having sex with me…clearly an article for their women’s reader-ship when the main picture of the post is of a woman holding onto her pizza lover. But once I began reading this article I realized how a funny little idea went in the wrong direction. (Maybe I’m far too passionate about my lovers and my pizza)

Their number one: DiGiorno Pizza

First of all they failed to mention DiGiorno Pizza Cheese Stuffed Crust. If we are going to be comparing great sex and pizza lets first start off with cheese in the crust. Second of all DiGiorno Pizza should never be compared as great sex or a “great lover” as this post likes to call sex. DiGiorno becomes the “stay at home boyfriend.” No, I had that boyfriend when I was twenty-one. The post then mentions that you don’t have to go outside to get this pizza. Umm no, you still have to go drag your hungry ass to the grocery store, with no bra on, single and too damn lazy to make a homemade pizza, so you make your way to the froze pizza section where you meet “DiGiorno” and you think this could work, it looks good, it’s friendly and I don’t have to work at all to get a bite. But at the end of the night you realize this pizza is not sweet on me, it’s not good in bed at all. It turns out it was just a romp through the field.

Lovability is not a 9.8/10 (No)

Their Number Two: Little Caesars HOT-N-Ready Pizza

The post seems unsure if Little Caesars is the relationship type or the booty call. Clearly they have never eaten Little Caesars because it’s not only the booty call pizza but the really drunk one night stand that you have and after you end up going to the clinic for an STD test. This shouldn’t even be the “quick fix.” Believe me I’ve had a bite of this pizza and it was a one time very very drunk hook-up that you wake up to thinking, “fuck I did that” and “time to go get tested.”

Lovability is not: $5/10 More like 0/10

Their number Three: $1 NY Pizza (Or cheap slices, $3 Maximum)

I’m not a hooker, they are not a Giglio and we are not strippers. Great sex is not based on the amount of value of money, unless you’re into that short of thing…But still that’s not a “great lover.” Plus the post claims, “You would hold on tight to this person and consider yourself lucky to have found an affordable, scrumptious significant other.”

No…

Lovability they gave A+/10 (seriously need to stop switching the scale…

Their number four: Papa John’s Pizza

Ok, I agree with this one the most and what the post has to say. Papa John’s Pizza is the equivalent  of the guy you date that after you break-up you see everywhere. But I disagree I can to resist biting into their hot pizza, it’s not worth the burnt mouth. They were an asshole, always going to be an ass hole and they are just acting like they care. So no I will not bite into them. I’ll find my own local pizza place that cares about my needs, my hunger and will give me a light spanking now and again.

Lovabilty is not a 8.9/10 (This rating they gave doesn’t make sense. If they’re the ex and burning your mouth why would you rate them so high?) Booo!

Their Number Five: Domino’s Pizza

I’m rather confused with this portion of the post, because they don’t really discuss the quality of pizza itself more the fact that Domino’s comes off as “thirsty” and the Pizza Tracker can be related to a boyfriend who constantly lets you know where they are at all times. (Which is not a healthy at all) Yet the post fails to mention how this pizza would make a “great lover.” When in the reality the post sets up Domino’s not as a great lover but a  clingy lover who you felt bad for because they tried really hard to win you over, so you give them a go in the sack. (Which will all know who that turns out).

Lovability they gave: 9.89/10 Ok maybe more an 8, but that’s because they are cute and sweet, but the sex….no  that’s nowhere near an 9 or 8. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Their Number Six: Pizza Hut

The describe Pizza Hut as, “Pizza Hut the person would obviously have a symmetrical face and a witty personality, glowing with a gorgeous aura that is borderline intimidating. If Pizza Hut was interested you’d certainly act because who can resist…”

I will agree with the first line I left out, that yes I knew Pizza Hut growing up and I was always excited to see one or hear I may end up with some pizza, but the fact is I was young and I just wanted some pizza. Then I grew up and realized what Pizza Hut really was. Full of coupons that don’t do shit, pizza that looks better in the picture and if I’m going to order pizza from a place I’m ordering from Domino’s (they have pasta bowls)

Lovability they gave: 9.1/10 (No….no way in hell)

Their Number Seven: A Pizza Buffet

Ok…poor pizza buffets. Plus this portions is just informing us lovely ladies that you shouldn’t jump from man to man or as they put it, “relationships.” Oh hell no….I want to try myself different types of pizza and I’m going to bite into has many slices as I want, when I want. Not necessarily all at one time and at one place but shit if I want a different kind of pizza by GOD I’M GOING TO GRAB IT AND EAT IT!

Lovability they gave: beginning &Middle: 9.8/10, Towards the end of relationship: -3/10

I really don’t what this one should be really rated but to me a variety means I’m going to find a good time and I thought this was what this post was really going to be about. The good times and the great sex moments via Good pizza.

Now I’m hungry for a real good time and a really good slice of pizza.

Both…at the same time….now.

1321081969705_4397886Did I just rant about pizza? Yes…yes I did.

 

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Filed under Causal, Dating, FOOD, for fun, funny, Pizza, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems

Valerie and I driving at midnight after picking up Bdubs

I decided that tonight I wanted Bdubs so Valerie and I ordered take out by phone. Which I may add I’m terrible at! I started to order right when the woman picked up the phone. This reminds me of how terrible I am at ordering through the drive-thru. My brother makes fun of me because I always end a order with, “that will be all” and I also say, ‘I would like a coke to drink.” My brother is always like, “to drink?” and then laughs at me. (I’m a mess)

So at the start of the drive we start to talk about the two guys we both are stuck on. Valerie is into “the Rabbit” again and I’m hung up on Bruiser again. Which leads to Valerie saying, ‘How did this happen?!” “Right when you think your over someone!”

Which lead to the car ride home after getting take out, 

Valerie started eating her fries in the car, saying, “God damn he’s sooo hot.”

Which lead to a series of conversation on the car ride back:

Valerie: God the rabbit is so hot! His hair!

Me: God Bruiser beard

Valerie: God he’s so good at sex

Me: And Bruiser likes biting

Valerie: and the rabbit grabbing my ass

Me: OK WE HAVE TO STOP! I’m getting turned on!

Then Valerie starts her weird laugh cry she does as she’s saying, “Sally we are waiting for guys! We never do this! We sad we never do this but we are!! What are we going to to?!”

And this is us right now, laughing, joking puzzled about how we got into this mess. So we are sleeping in the living room tonight watching Forrest Gump.

I think we needed it. 

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Filed under FOOD, Friends, funny, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems

The Awakening (to more sex)

I know sex

Do I know dating? nope, not at all

I have become aware recently how inept I am in the dating world. I become so nervous when talking to a guy I have a crush on, or I shut down all together. This is a growing problem for me and the dating scene. Now when it comes to sex, BAM! No problem, got that shit on lock down. I feel like that scene from friends when Joey talks about how he always feels nervous and then he has sex and that calms him down. This is how I feel. 

I’ve become more and more inclined to “hooking up” as of now. I think this has a lot to do with the last few men I tried to develop a healthy relationship. At the moment in my life hooking up seems like a much more viable option. To be honest I would much rather enjoy a relationship but I don’t have anyone single around me to one, shows an interest in me or two I’m interested in. Along with this I’m far to busy with my poetry and my life to even have the time for a boyfriend in my life.

So fun casual sex it is!

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Filed under Causal, funny, sex, single girl problems