Category Archives: about me

Summer Goals

url

I’ll be moving permanently back to California at the end of May.

I’m sad to leave the midwest but it’s time to move on and try my luck in another city. I thought it’s only appropriate to make a list of goals for my summer.

Summer Goals:

  1. Submit chapbook Gazing Grain Press Before June
  2. Submit to Dancing Girl Press
  3. Submit to Hyacinth Girl
  4. Look up GRE Info.
  5. Start tackling my writing sample
  6. Make official list MFA programs
  7. Go to Open Mics in California
  8. Look up new journals to submit to
  9. Cut new Drama’s and Poetry’s for speech
  10. Work out
  11. Eat better
  12. Set up my room
  13. Read: The Feminine Mystique, A Room of One’s Own, The Beauty Myth, Sister Outsider, The Second Sex, The Woman Warrior, Sexual Politics, Yes Means Yes, The Purity Myth.

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Books, good energy, List, My Chapbook, poetry, reading, school, Summer, thoughts

It’s Wednesday Night and I just did a shot of tequila

images

 

Last night and tonight I have been celebrating getting published a second time (two poems) as well as winning American Poets prize at my college. So lots of drinks and one step closer to being done with my undergrad.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do after graduation. Sure I’ll be working back at my old high school as a speech coach. But damn I’m dying for the idea of MFA. Then I’m worried and nervous about the idea because everyone makes the idea so insane and difficult. I’m not sure if I’m meant for it. But deep down I’m craving for the idea of it.

We shall see.

Dating is well non-exist and I like it to be that.

This one younger guy in town likes me and has been speaking to me but he’s all over the place. Drinks a lot, doesn’t have friends, play video games and plays these weird ass games. He’s a mature person in moments and then a young immature child a lot of the time. I was thinking about having a quick roll in the hay but the more I think about it the more I’m like ehh. For example he likes to pull this stunt of, “well I won’t contact you until you talk to me first.”

And I’m like are we in middle school again? Plus I think its insulting to me as a person to feel the need to play games with me. Also he needs to learn to groom his beard too.

At this point these little things are just not ok anymore and I want more. I deserve more than games, pride and lack of maturity.

Each night as I’m falling in sleep I whisper in between the eyes no longer staying open and the breathing settling down I say aloud, “I’m falling in love with myself.”

I don’t want anymore and I’m very content. But I know this will not make a few people very happy that I feel this way but those who don’t understand are men I shouldn’t be with.

I’m so restless at the moment. I need to stretch, shake off the molting and expand my wings.

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Dating, Dreams, Drinking, Hope, Life, my writing, poetry, school

Gosh, I can be such a mess

Today was beyond hilarious and showed everyone how much I’m a mess of red hair running around.

First I woke up early today to go to the gym and I thought to myself at 8am, I’m going to sleep in a bit longer but I though hey I’ll go on Facebook for a few minutes and then sleep a bit longer. But I forgot last night I decided to be a grown up (kind of) and log out of not only all my emails but my social media sites as well. At 8am trying to remember one of my millions of passwords was a struggle.

Problem 1: Forgot Facebook Password

Problem 2: I Forgot my yahoo password which is the recovery account

Problem 3: Can’t access the recovery email for yahoo but to be honest I don’t even remember that old email.

Problem 4: So next step was to use a new email-used my college email-didn’t send to my email right away and Facebook tells me I should wait 30 minutes so I figure ok i’ll nap for an hour and see when I wake up

Problem 5: Still nothing, so I try another email…still nothing

Problem 6: Try my phone number, but I don’t have a smart phone. Oh don’t worry I tried to send the link to my email, but when i did that it told me I have to use the link through my phone.

So I can’t get on Facebook and I think to myself ok that’s not all that bad.

Problem 7: OMG MY SPOTIFY! I need that for when I’m working on poetry.

So I made myself a new spotify account.

*THIS IS MY LIFE**

Also I went to my poetry workshop today and I’m sitting in there with one of my peers and we are chatting and having a good time being in class earlier and I look down at my shirt and I realize: “Damn, my shirt is inside out.”

Shit.

This was my day all day!

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, FML, funny, This would happen to me (funny)

Egg Shells

breakfast-badass-makes-eggs-scrambled-and-hard-boiled-without-cracking-shell.w654

 

I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.

*Breaking out of my shell*

That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling  irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.

To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”

I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?

God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.

There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.

Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.

And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a  strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.

I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe

How do you…

How do you thank someone who has done so much for you?

So much that I don’t think they will ever fully understand how much they have done for me.

I am so thankful for my professor. I don’t know where I would be today if not for stumbling into my spring poetry workshop last year. Gosh I owe him everything.

He has been an extraordinary professor. And I’m very sad this is the last semester I’m going to be working with him as a student. Because this last year and a half has been amazing for me.

To say I struggle in school would be an understatement. I have never been a very good student. As hard as I’ve tried I have struggled a lot and I have far too many memories of messing up in school. Too many tears and too many times I’ve hidden facts about myself to friends. Because I don’t want to appear as stupid.

For once in my life I feel like I’m apart of the education community instead of out-of-place. I feel like I belong and I can hold my own not only in my poetry workshops but in all my classes.

It’s hard to express over the internet how huge of a feeling this is for me.

I cry every time I think about it.

Every time I think about much I use to pray as this 7-year-old kid asking God to make me like everyone like. Make me not stupid.

It’s taken me a long time to figure out why I’ve ended up the way I have.

I don’t use the normal route like everyone else. It’s taken a long time to be happy with the fact that  I learn differently. There are times will I still break down and I still get mad at myself. But I’ve gotten better now.

I’ve found a voice and a place where I belong. I am so grateful.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I was a little kid in first grade reading Cat and Dog. The one book I remember as a child because I remember picking that book because it was the only one I could read. Or on kindergarten visit day I would have my buddy kindergartener read the books because they could read better than me and I didn’t want them to find out.

It’s been a long road and it amazes me how young I was and I still knew something felt off about myself.

And that’s what’s wrong with the education system. The fact that I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t smart enough. Finally I’ve realized how many gifts I have and the many gifts that have developed due to my learning disability.

I am so grateful for the woman I am today.

I am so grateful for all the amazing teachers I’ve been given throughout my education. Without them I would not be the person I am today. That is the moment I believe there must be something out there in the universe taking care of us. Because it’s not by accident that I was given all these wonderful teachers and these wonderful parents to hold my hand and help me through my greatest struggles and tears.

Oh my goodness I am overwhelmed with such strength and love.

This is why I want to be a teacher.

Thank you to my teachers.

Thank you to my parents.

Thank you.

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Family, My Chapbook, reading, school, Sleep, Struggles, Teachers, Thankful, thoughts, universe, Words

It hurts to move my jaw….how will I give blow jobs now? AHHHH!

1325613862913_70230_large

Tonight while I was trying to enjoy my soup and pizza Valerie made I noticed my jaw started to really hurt when I tried to open my mouth really wide. After awhile I started to notice my side of my jaw was really hurting. This really sucks. I’ve had years of jaw pain. It’s never as bad as this feels in the moment. Now I will admit after years of blow jobs I’ve noticed more and more the pain I experience from giving them can be very bad, especially when a blow job takes centuries.

Which is also unfortunate because I enjoy giving blow jobs and I’m well aware that I’m good a giving blow jobs.

Also I love food. I love to chew food.

This jaw pain is killing me…

Lets hope I don’t have to go see a doctor. That’s all I need more mouth surgery. Plus what would I say? “Hey doc. can you patch me up so I can get back to what I do best?” Or “yeah I know doctor…I’ve given too many blow jobs. I’ll stop to save the jaw. Can I get a doctor’s note?”

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Dating, FOOD, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, universe, WTF?

Remember where you came from

I suppose this will be my 100th post once I click on the publish button. Not like I’m one to care about certain little milestones (which is both true and a lie) But after I posted my 99th post and whenever I’ve been upset about something or someone and I start thinking about a post I stop myself.  I didn’t want my 100th post to be angry or full of negative energy.

Last year I went through one of the most tragic experiences of my life. Being cheated on by my boyfriend of almost four years was life changing. I not only lost someone I loved very dearly, but I lost my co-worker, my best friend, I lost someone I had grown with and I’ve lost someone that’s still living.

I know what you must be thinking, cheating happens and its rough, sucks ball and never ends well. Then of course you’ll tell me there are far worse events happening around the world. And this is true, but that doesn’t mean this pain I’ve been going through, this loss isn’t real to me. Along with this intense pain I’ve learned I am someone who wears my love on my sleeves, I’m quick to fall for someone and I give all of myself. This does mean I hurt often but I like to think about this section of Andrea Gibson poem, “Royal Hearts.”

Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my separate parts.

  • September 2012 I walked into my first creative writing class [207]
  • October 2012 I began this blog
  • December 2012 I turned in my first set of poems

And January of 2013 I walked into a poetry workshop that was going to change my life forever.

  • April 2013 I got my first poem published
  • September 2013 I toured for the first time
  • October 2013 I performed at my first feature
  • November I helped put together a poetry event

It’s hard to not sit here and cry right now looking at all I’ve accomplished. This is a long time coming for me. Of nights as a little kid crying in my bedroom, looking out the window and asking God, “Please make me like everyone else…I don’t want this disability.”

Here I am. On the track to graduate college, publishing poems, coaching high school students and reading books I use to dream about when I was a little kid in the bookstore.

I am so thankful God never listened to those cries. Even though I’m still rather mad and frustrated about all this sometimes. I’m starting to believe certain things/events happen for a reason and everything comes together at the end of the day to teach you a lesson or throw you into the next moment in life. (But I’m not going to get into that in this post)

I’ve come a long way from that little girl in elementary school sitting at a big round table in the back of dusty library with a popsicle on my tongue to teach my body to sound out the words I must have never been born with.

This is what my 100th post is about, the moments of firsts, the moments I cried and the time I sat down in a chair and found poetry. I’m not sure if I’m gifted or talented even, but I do know I’m happy.

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Life, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe, Words

Question and Answer (Why I fill these out and post them I’ll never know)

So I woke up at 8am this morning because that’s what I tend to do after drinking. I wake up really early, not hung over and wanting to do something. I kind of worked on a few poems but I need a break from that so someone I follow on Tumblr posted this question answer thingy and I thought why the hell not, I’ll fill it out!

(Having some silly fun)

1.Kissed a girl? And I liked it! (Terrible Katy Perry joke…)

2.Kissed a boy? Do I really have to answer this one?

3.Had sex in public? If answer yes to this one do I even have to answer number #1 and #2? Of course I’ve had sex in public.

4.What’s your religion? I’m a very spiritual person but I prefer not to label myself a religion. I take away a lot from christianity and I take a lot away from buddhism. Then I take parts from funky stuff, like cord cuttings and other energy healing concepts.

5.What does your URL mean? This is silly. No.

6.Reason you joined Tumblr?It took me about 5 tries before I actually joined tumblr. If anyone can fuck up signing up for tumblr…I can

7.Do you have any nicknames? I will not answer this and give away my name but I do have a few random red-head joke names that include, Strawberry Short Cake and cinnamon muff.

8.Do you like bubble bath? Yes, I very much enjoy bubble bath, especially for my bad back

9.Kissed in the rain? I believe so, but its been awhile

10.Dyed your hair? With Henna, all natural shit

11.Soup or salad? Umm I want both

12.Vegetable or meat? Both, I LOVE FOOD. OHH I could have made this one sound so dirty…

13.Go out drinking?  You don’t need to go out drinking to drink. Shit, I drink in the shower when I’m in a hurry.

14.Smoke cigarettes? Nope, never have

15.Smoke weed? Never have

16.Do any hard drugs? Only a mans heat…haha (such a bad, weird joke) But really no hard drugs, but clearly I haven’t ever smoked anything, so it be weird if I skipped over weed and cigarettes for some nose candy.

17.Have you had sex today? Nope and thanks for reminding I need to masturbate

18.Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Yes. I’ve learned though I don’t always enjoy this or I’ve also learned that I can tell how compatible a guy and I are depending on how comfortable it is to cuddle falling asleep.

19.The relationship between you and the person you last texted? My poet friend, I’m touring with him at the moment. Really cool guy, very talented poet.

20.Has anyone said you have pretty eyes? Not to sound vain or anything but I get that a lot.

21.Skipped doing homework to play a video game? I have actually, umm Left For Dead and Halo sound much more fun sometimes…but its been a long time since I’ve had “homework” because the work I do for class is writing and reading books which I do on the daily.

22.Tried to commit suicide? umm, not really. I Know that sounds silly to put “not really” I will say I’ve thought of it, beginning of high school. I collected pills even but no I would have never gone through with it, really I wouldn’t have and have never thought about it again. High school at the start was hard, school wise for me. I really struggled and felt really embarrassed about my being apart of special education.

23.The last time you felt broken? Hmm…It’s been awhile. I’m not sure. Maybe at the start of summer.

24.Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt? Ok this question is stupid, I’m not going to answer it.

25.Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Nope…just me and my wine and my cats and my vibrators

26.Do you have Long hair OR short hair? Long hair

27.First thing you notice to a guy? Beard or no beard and then smile

28.Do you sing in the shower? I run poems in the shower and its driving my roommates crazy because throughout the day they hear me running my poems in different locations of the house.

29.Do you dance in the car? Umm heckkkk yeah! AND SING!

30.Where were you yesterday?Coffee shop-One Class-AND MY FEATURE FOR POETRY!

31.Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes…my dads side of the family is very “man.” They have motorcycles, cars and like sports but not just like football sports but track and cycling and racing dirt bikes.

32.Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Last month by my roommate. She’s a wonderful photographer. (And who says portrait taken)

33.Do you think musicals are cheesy? Umm no, Musicals rock my dancing socks!

34.Is Christmas stressful? No, but its cold as fuck! Then I go home to visit and stay in warm California and cry when I have to go back to the fucking harden your nipples cold.

35.Favorite type of fruit pie? Wow, I was just about to put…is banana pie a fruit pie? wow…wait its a cream pie? I don’t know…I like all pies. I don’t think theres a pie I don’t like.

36.Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A veterinarian or to be a member of the USA Women’s Soccer Team

37.Do you believe in ghosts? I do a little bit. I’m not really sure how I feel about it

38.Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? All the time

39.Take a vitamin daily? Yes, my roommate makes me, she says its good for me

40.Wear slippers? Nope

41.Wear a bath robe? After a shower when its cold as shit! And it feels good on my naked body

42.What do you wear to bed? Naked

43.Do you want to get married? That be cool someday

44.Can you curl your tongue? Oh yeah…

Relationship preference: (Oh boy, my favorite part of these things…)

45.How many relationships have you had? hmm Serious relationships? I would say only four. I’ve had a few more in between there and even some that I didn’t count that really effected me but those four meant the most.

46.How can I win your heart? I like food. haha Hmm I’m not sure. Talk to me, cuddle, hang out. I like to go out but I also very much enjoy staying home with a significant other and just watching a movie or read a book or talk about speech! or have sex….LOTS of HOT NASTY SWEATY SEX.
(Lets be real any man could easily win my heart with treating me to some good sex, amazing food and fantastic conversations) BAM I be yours!

47.What makes a great relationship? Trust, chemistry, some good lube and the right safe word

48.Shy OR open? What? ohh your asking what I prefer in someone I like. I don’t care. Both are lovely qualities but not crumpling shy. I’ve dated a guy like that before….oh dear it was bad

50.Religious OR non-religious? Either, I will support whatever my specific other supports as long as they support my faith and my beliefs. I will be there for them and what they believe as long as they are there for me.

51.Caring OR non-restricting of you? What? This is a terrible question

52.Straight edge OR non-straight edge? WHAT? bahahahaha Are we really asking this question? bahahaha

53.Piercings OR no piercings? Like them nipples pierced….oh boy (I don’t actually, I hope you all know that is a joke)

54.Tattoos OR no tattoos? Don’t care. I’ve dated a few guys with them tats

55.Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type? A man who enjoys sex

^That’s really the question this thing wants end on? Ok…

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Facts, funny

The Living Room

Friends in the living room

A night of light drinking
(No that’s not me in the picture, that’s my other red head friend)

The last few weeks I’ve been spending a lot of time in our living room, it’s my favorite place to work on memorizing my poetry. I got to thinking, I’m going to document my house, because I’m going to be moving out in the spring and I’m so sad. I’ve been living here for two years! I love the spirit and energy of this current house so I thought it would only be fitting to document almost every room in the house. (Don’t worry no bathroom documentation)

Facts about my house:

  • I live with four other roommates: One roommate is from the Illinois area and the other three are from California. One is my little brother and one of the Cali kids I went to high school with. Another I ran into a lot during my speech career. These two lovely ladies are Valerie and Tina in my blog.
  • We have 5 bedrooms and two and a half baths.

What I do in the living room:

  • Watch the TV show River Monsters! (My guilty pleasure) My roommates always know I’m watching River Monsters because you’ll hear me scream, “Oh my God!! Look at that fish! Oh my holy moly!”
  • Memorize my poetry
  • Watch The Walking Dead! (We upgraded a cable solely for the inattention to watch The Walking Dead)
  • I’ll read sometimes in the living room
  • Play N64 drinking games and non-drinking games too (I’m not that much of an alcoholic)
  • Movie Nights with the Ladies

Pictures of the Living Room: 

Living Room Picture #1

This is obviously a shot of the bookcase. Most of my books are upstairs in my room but I was running out of room so some are down here, along with my roommates books. There is also a lovely Beatles poster and an image of the Slut Walks and you can see a few of our lovely plants!

Living Room Picture #2

The view from the bookcase area. I know, we always have to move the plant so we can watch Tv. You can see two of the three bikes in this picture and one of Valerie’s paintings. (She’s so talented)

Here you can see the bikes a little better and more of Valerie's work that's been put up in the living room.

Here you can see the bikes a little better and more of Valerie’s work that’s been put up in the living room.

More plants! We have 6 different plants in the living room. This is to the right of the bookcase.

More plants! We have 6 different plants in the living room. This is to the right of the bookcase. If you notice that Aloe Vera plant has a name tag. That’s from our party, its name is Nelly Furtado. (Don’t worry I’ll have a post in the future about all the plants we have)

If you haven't noticed we don't have curtains for this room, we just use the beautiful vines to cover up the windows!

If you haven’t noticed we don’t have curtains for this room, we just use the beautiful vines to cover up the windows!

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Books, Friends, My house

10 qualities you’re looking for in a man (bad articles, written by men)

I’m in the works of reading really terrible articles about dating (for my poetry) Decided to actually do one of their stupid ideas because I’m taking a thirty minute break from my writing.

10 qualities you’re looking for in a man:                                                        (that I want to be in a relationship with)

  1. Has a sense of humor (can make me laugh)
  2. Sincerely cares about how I’m doing
  3. Either has similar values as me or is at least accepting of how I view the world, religion, etc.
  4. We can communicate easily, can talk about more than sex. Everything just seems to flow so well and I enjoy someone who will have witty come backs or is playful in communication.
  5. Has something to compliment me on, something that has yet to be said to me.
  6. Will keep an open dialogue with me
  7. Cares enough about me that if things are not working out they will break it off  in person.
  8. Who wants to go out but is also happy with staying in some nights and just watching a good film or reading books, or writing.
  9. Passionate
  10. Someone who will laugh with me

Leave a comment

Filed under about me, Dating