Shit that’s happened and Shit thats continuing to happen

Shit that’s happened and shit that’s going on right now.

-Saturday and Sunday I spent all day judging at a specch and debate tounrament. and I had such a wonderful time! I miss speech, a lot. Of course I’m extermly happy with my poetry and writing too much to go back into speech but I do still miss speech. I always feel so comfortable there, I didn’t feel exactly comfortable at first because I had been away for a year now and haven’t really been couching too, but once I realized I was saying that right things I was like well damn I missed this. I got to judge finals of poetry with one of my roommates and another very good friend/I’ve hooked up with him twice, he’s the “That one night stand I really don’t remember” hmm I guess he’s not a one night stand anymore…

But this weekend was amazing, I judged about 10 rounds, so i was very sleepy Sunday night but it was very worth it. On Saturday afternoon I did jump onto my Mac to write this out:

Today sitting in speech round I realize that maybe I don’t want a relationship right now. Or at least there is no one in this town I’m just dying to have a serious relationship with.  It really hit me today and yes I’ve thought about this before, I’ve felt this, but today I felt is spread throughout my body and I was really happy. Really happy. My poetry is going so wonderfully for me, I’m so caught up with poetry that for once, I want to spend every waking moment enjoying myself, writing, memorizing, writing papers, reading and going to open mics.

-My best friend Valerie told me Sunday night that during the wedding she went to on Saturday, two of her friends asked her how things are going with her girlfriend. (umm awkward because they broke up in March) She tells them this and they seem shocked and then preseed to say, “but we saw you hanging out with her last week, the red head.” Yes, they thought Valerie and I were a couple. We both died laughing about this for about an hour and now make “this is why people think we’re a couple jokes.”

-I found out on Monday that my birth control Loestrin 24 is no longer being manufactured. Cool. But don’t worry the makers of Loestrin 24 FE are pleased to introduce Minastrin 24 Fe CHEWABLE TABLETSAnd then they add Miniastrin 24 Fe is expected to have the same efficacy, safety, and bleeding profile of LOESTRIN 24 Fe.

And I’m like umm EXPECTED! No, I want “WILL HAVE!” I don’t like that word, because Sally needs some sex soon and I don’t need expected anywhere in my sex. 

As I was hearing all about this at the pharmacy and how they may get me switched by tomorrow maybe Wednesday, all I could think it, “wow someone out there in the universe, whether thats God or whatever does not want me to have sex anytime soon.”

Soo….I GET UNIVERSE I STILL WON’T HAVE SEX! I’ll go learn to paint or some shit. 

Which is very difficult because I got kind of  thirsty on Sunday at the speech tournament and it doesn’t help that I forgot how many speeches I’ve hooked up with. Damn….

-Setting up a few poetry shows soon. I’ll have a 45 minute show of just my work. Then I’m setting up a show with poets at a coffee shop, then my friend is setting another open mic up and I’ll be headed to an open mic tonight. Also I’ll be driving with my friend to another performance in two weeks!

-Audition for The Vagina Monologues tomorrow!

-This one guy has been wanting to hang out with me, nice guy, good looking but in honesty I’ve been avoiding hang out. I’m nervous or something. Maybe I’m worried I’ll just end up hooking up, or maybe I just don’t really want to date. Because sometimes I come home and I just want to sleep, working poetry or memorize or sit and watch Tv. But I think I’m going to spend time with him this weekend, so here we go.

-I’m working on a few posts for this blog.

-Virgin Corn Field…Yeah he keeps messaging me late at night, trying to get me to drive and see him. Next time I’m calling him out.

Song of the day: Baby Don’t You Change by Tyrone Wells

Book of the day: Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti 

Upside Down Decisions

I don’t think I even know how to date anymore. I’m definitely stuck, like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhogs Day I continue to repeat life over and over again.

I’ll admit I’m not exactly like Bill Murray, repeating my day over and over, more every time I met a guy I just end up hooking up, over and over. Different guys, same results. So minus Bill Murray, add one red head and replace the groundhogs with naked men. And you get me, stuck in the sex pool and not sure where the ladder went.

Disclaim: I haven’t had sex since May. (Something new I’m trying out) Which doesn’t seem to be helping very much. I still feel like everyone just wants to hook up and I still feel wobbly on my feet trying to be with someone for more then sex.

My stomach tied up in knots made of stone, I can hardly breath and I’m not sure if I’m ready to be with someone. Maybe thats the problem, I’m too scared to open myself up to someone. To give all of myself to someone, because when I fall, its like jumping off an ocean cliff, gravity’s [my heart] is going to make me fall hard.

I’ve always been that way. Don’t think I could ever be one of those people how just steps to the edge to take a look.

My goodness I’m just so terrified,

I’m not going to find what my hearts aching for. Because I’m dying, craving, eating large amounts of food, looking for some deep romance, some passion. Holding each other so tight in fear the other may disappear and I’m dying for those stares back at my when I’m looking into their eyes.

Upside Down by Abbie Folken 

Spring Break Rolls On

The top five songs I’ve been listening to this week as I write:

1. California by Chris Pureka
2. Sloppy Seconds by Watsky
3. Ay Chico (Lengua Afuera) by Pitbull
4. Blackbird by Paul McCartney
5. Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore

Weird addictions of the week:

1. Needing to use my Coca-Cola chap stick everywhere I go, my lips have been so dry.

Spring break is almost over and it’s been interesting to say the least. Spent time with my wonderful best friends, finally got some sleep and I’ve had some of the most vivid dreams ever. I’m not going to go on and on about them or the really intense one I had on Sunday because I hear that people get annoyed at those of us who talk about are dreams, so I’ll simply say these dreams have connected myself spiritually to my mind, my body, and the energy I love to fill up on. These dreams were much needed.

The Guy I’m short of seeing is out of town this week, he’s in Miami, FL working with Habitat for Humanity . So we haven’t had sex since he left on Saturday, which means my friend Tina made brownies last night and stated “Your sex deprived, you need desserts and cats!” Thanks Tina. Actually I’m quite find without the sex, ok kind of but I’ve gone four months before without sex so I’m quite capable of a week thank you very much. I’m more worried that once he’s back everything is going to change and he will want to move on from me. We spoke about where this is going and he said, “I don’t know yet.” Which to me is a serious red flag of someone who could bail on me but that’s a risk I’m going to take because I do enjoy his company and he is fun and very sweet to me; something I haven’t expected in my past relationships.

I’m having headaches and back pain this week. Nothing that has ruined my week but pain thats always there and a reminder of reality. I don’t know why I’m having headaches. Ok I’ve been very tense this week due to work situations. Let me state here to anyone reading this blog and a reminder to myself in the moments of doubt. I love my job, my job is part of my identity, when I’m working at my job you can see the best qualities about me and my greatest strength. But right now I’ve lost a part of care for my job. People can make you feel that way. I don’t care as much anymore and I’m tried of how I’ve been treated these past few months from co-workers and what hurts I’m starting to realize this co-worker doesn’t care about me as a person, or a worker for that matter. Hasn’t tried to get in contact with me. I was kind of waiting for my co-worker to. But what can you do, because people make decisions and this was my co-workers decision. Now I have to start re-thinking what I want for me. Something I honestly don’t do enough. To be honest the main reason I don’t is because I know what I want is going to hurt my heart a bit because I’m going to give up certain aspects of my job and umm now thinking about it on another note as I sit here and think I may have to give up some other aspects of my life as well. This is the part of life that gets hard but I like to think of what my mentor always says,

“We do what we have to do to do what we want to do”

Onto another topic I think I’m going to have a talk with Thrilla my wonderful the “cheating ex #2” For readers of my blog I don’t think I’ve ever written about this but I do still speak to Thrilla on the occasion. We actually have to lunch a few times. This doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t really feel anything around him, because I’ve moved on from him. (Before we even broke up) But it’s hard to let go of someone that was as been in your life for four years and you basically grew up with, in college, work and friendship. Plus I still see a bit of the “old him” the person he use to be. I understand that person is no longer really their but I still see the moments of the “old him.” But he has been asking me to help him pick out a motorcycle because he trusts me with the knowledge I have for them but that means helping him by driving him to the bike, teaching him how to ride it and bring it back into town. Too much for me; I’m not at the point in this “friendship” to be helping him out with that. So it looks like I’m going to have to tell him. I still hurt sometimes and what happened in August is still something I struggle with at moments

Spring break is just about over. Soon I will see the guy “falling into his arms” and see if that is moving onto more moments of bliss or time to move on. Soon I will speak to my boss about what has been going on with me. Soon I will be back in my poetry workshop classes. Thank goodness for my classes, I miss them and I need them to breath again.

But regardless of some stresses I’m doing very well and I may have outward personal stress about work, relationships and past ones. My inside, my spirit is feeling rested and wonderful. Thank goodness for that.

Thank you universe for centering my spirit.

Best thing I never had

I was sitting down earlier today  and this song popped up in my spotify. Reminding myself of everything I’ve been through from August and how thankful my last relationship is over. Thrilla is a very faded memory, I can barley remember now.

Yes, I do still images of my break up pop up in my mind. Yes, I do still feel hurt sometimes, still get angry and upset sometimes. But for the most part its faded into a deep memory, chapter in my life. I’m still growing but I do feel so much older now, after that. I’m more me now, writing, reading, loving my body, my clothes, my personality and I’m standing up for myself in friendships, in class, with men.

 This opened my eyes to who I was becoming and I didn’t like it. I’m happier, I’m awake, I’m alive. I’m finally being myself again.

This was the best thing that could have ever happened to me