Category Archives: FOOD

Grapefruit your man

So my wonderful friend Candice sent me this funny as shit Youtube video.

There are no words

I was really trying to think of my own comments to this video but there are no words for this video. just watch it and you’ll understand.

Thank you Candice for showing me funny ass video

I’m sure I’ll never look at a grapefruit the same again.

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Filed under FOOD, funny, WTF?

Stress

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Stress has become a huge player in my everyday life. My mother has always been a very stressed out person and I’m sure I’ve developed some of that stress from growing up around her.

Along with this stress is the terrible pain of my back and neck that has been playing out and its terrible. The amount of medicine I have taken and icy hot on my back has become never-ending and almost placing no effect on making me feel better. My back and neck pain makes everything exhausting and painful. It’s really slowed me down the past few weeks and I’m struggling to keep up.

Friends have become stressful. I love them to pieces but keeping up with everyone’s needs has killed me and stressed me out.

Poetry is always stressful, but I suppose of all the stresses I’m happy and try not to complain about the stresses of writing. More I’m sad my time with my professors is almost over. Of course I have moments of clarity, moments of immense doubt in myself and moments I just want a glass of wine.

But I’m worried because I feel like I’m close to a breaking point, like I’m going to just start crying and freak out. (Great Crazy Sally) I’m trying to prevent this from happening but I’m worried.

Dating stresses me out, more upset at the past, memories I’m ashamed of and the idea that I may never find someone I want to be with. There are plenty that would want to spend their time with me and I’m grateful and flattered but I’m not sure I want any of them. And the more i watch friends find someone and have someone and then the ideas of family members will die, my parents one day will be gone and it will be just me. It really puts everything into perspective the whole meaning behind lovely yourself, because everyday it really is just you. Yes you have friends, family, co-workers and peers but (ok this sounds morbid) but they’re going to die (you’re going to die) or you’ll lose touch with people, realize you no longer work. So its morbid weird thing I’ve been thinking about. Really understanding what loving yourself means.

I think this is where loneliness comes from.

When you have no one. I think this is why many pair off into mates, because it’s no fun feeling lonely and there’s the added plus of kids and passing on a bit of yourself.

Each night I fall asleep and whisper, “I am in love with myself.”

Each day I become more unsure if I ever will find someone who will match up with me, or if I will ever want to match up with someone. For all I know I do with so many but have turned them away because of this gut sick feeling I have towards dating right now. I almost feel sick and don’t want anymore to touch me. To be honest I’m a bit worried what this all means. I hope some of it comes from strength.

I’m pushing the hot showers, the chocolate, watching TV shows, getting more normal sleep than I normally get, like for example its 1:30am and after I post this I’m going to pass out and wake up at 9am. Normally I don’t fall asleep until 3am. I think the sleep and candy is keeping the break down at bay. I’m worried the neck pain is going to push the break down out in the open.

Just need to continue the deep breathing and wine.

And food…lots of food.

Also masturbating here and there. Like I shit you not I was in the middle of writing a paper, got horny, masturbated and then went back to writing.

This is my Life.

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Filed under Back and Neck Pain, Confessions, Dating, Death, Drinking, Family, FML, FOOD, Friends, Help, Hope, Life, Love, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, WTF?

Dirty Things

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Remember that time during my blog posts where I use to write a lot about sex, men I’m having sex with and the dirty stories about my weekend?

Yeah, I don’t remember either as I’m about to yet again talk about my burning loins desire for pancakes and yet again how much I enjoy masturbation.

Tonight at midnight as I was laying in bed looking up more journal submissions (I’ve sent 15 in the last two weeks) I wanted ice cream and I realized I had Klondike bar. So I proceeded to say aloud and alone in my bedroom, “What would I do for a Klondike bar? Answer: Get out of bed and put pants on.

Masturbation has become a weekly thing more than how it’s normally been the past months. I’m at that stage of no sex, the I need a regular “something” going on. Now I’m actually not complaining about this whole no sex issue. I’m actually having a wonderful time. I forgot how much more wonderful orgasm’s can be masturbating alone.

Also I’m far too busy with poetry, school and the stresses those two bring on to be worried about sex or in a relationship for that matter. It’s freeing to not want or need someone else and to be honest I’ve never felt that before now.

Oh on other news I’ve won another award for my poetry! Oh yeah, the same award I won last year on campus. That was a lovely piece of information to hear. I only wish I wasn’t so stressed about school to enjoy it more.

Like I said I have also sent out my poems to a bunch of journals so fingers crossed a few poems stick and find a home! I’m feeling good and have a good feeling that a few will get published.

So sex may not be on top of my list and dating has been crossed out right now but I have poetry, my friends and some wonderful energy floating around me.

Believe me I much rather have the poetry right now than any man.

Sorry fellas!

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Filed under Alignment:, Being a woman, Dating, FOOD, funny, good energy, poetry, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, universe

Yeah…this dry spell is a mess and full of food

Yesterday my three roommates and I drove 45 minutes to a different town to get our hands on:

  1. Jamba Juice
  2. Krispy Kreme Donuts
  3. Sweet Potato Tots <– These were just a plus and weren’t planned until we got into town.

For anyone that lives out in the “middle of no where midwest” you understand the need to venture out and find other kinds of food. Especially when my roommates and I are all from California, where everything you ever wanted is everywhere.

Food tends to be the center of my universe. I’m going to be making a poetry performance trip in April and the first thing I told my roommate was, “I’m going to look up what kind of food they have there.”

Also we are planning a road trip for May and June and the majority of planned out events involve food.

This is my life.

Also for many of my readers of this outrageous blog, I haven’t had sex as of recent. Actually I haven’t sense November. So I so how went on a celibate binge without my knowledge.

Or as my dear friend told me, “Your celibacy is bumming all of out.” And apparently my poetry is missing the nasty like it once had. But I’m sure I still sneak that shit in there a lot.

But last night really confirmed my need to get laid.

Valerie and I stayed up until 2am watching The Voice in our blanket fort we made for the living room, that’s now been up for a week and some days. One Usher makes our loins burn, that was until Usher reminded Valerie of this guy she dated for a while. Still Usher is yummy yum.

Then this guy comes on The Voice and sings and I’m sure Valerie and I both had mini orgasm’s

 

The conversation as he sang-

Valerie: imagine having sex with him

Me: imagine him taking off your clothes and singing

Valerie:  ahhh don’t say that! I’m going crazy!!

 

Yeah…we need to get laid and badly…very badly.

 

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Filed under Being a woman, Confessions, FOOD, funny, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, Struggles

Today I masturbated to a Berry White song, candles and my pretty pink vibrator

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Today (I mean Saturday March 8th) was amazing. Now of course I’m writing this at 3am which is due to the fact that I just watch half of the documentary, My Amityville Horror and after the creepiest fucking picture of a ghost boy we shut off the film and freaked out for 10 minutes and then put on The Office to calm ourselves down. Real ghosts or not and no matter what you believe it was creep as fuck.

But this March 8th was an amazing little day. I got to spend all day at my favorite little coffee shop working on my poetry. Hung out with friends, went to two little house parties, had a nice beer, lots of food all day. I’ve been pushing myself to eat better and eat more throughout my day and my body has been feeling wonderful.

Also I found out today one of my poems found a home! It’s going to be getting published in a University Journal! Yay! It felt wonderful to read the email. They also invited me to read at their university so I’m pretty sure I’m going to attend that. Basically I’m feeling great, because this is another stepping stone for my work. I can’t wait to see where I’ll go from here!

As for the title of this blog, yes I masturbated. Ha!

Honestly I hadn’t recently masturbated the last week or so, but after I had dinner I just got the feeling and ok I happen to have a candle already lit and ok I may have put on some Barry White, because I have a poem where I joke about masturbating as a Berry White song plays so I thought I should actually live up to umm my writing….yeah.

Two things I learned today: I need to get laid and I want a new fancy vibrator

and of course I would talk about masturbation and my poetry getting published in the same goddamn post. Ha!

And this is my life.

FML bahahaha

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Filed under Being a woman, FML, FOOD, funny, poetry, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny)

I need to get laid. (Yep…I need some sex in my life)

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This is the first time I’m sitting down to watch the Super Bowl. I’m 24 and I’ve never done this before. I feel so America!

I’m even making these Mac and Cheese cups! Which for anyone that has figured me out, “I hate cooking.” To the point I feel like I need to add that a first date now. “Oh yeah I love movies, reading and I’m not a fan of cooking.” Like if he wants out because I’m not the little lady in the kitchen making a roast.

Which is shame in the sense that I love food but I have no patience for cooking.

But today I’m in a good mood for cooking. AND SUPER BOWL! Which will be me drinking and eating and then heading over to my writers workshop half way through the Super Bowl.

Coffee of the day: Earl grey Latte. Which just makes me think of  Mary and Max

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So I’m just going to put it out there now: I NEED TO GET LAID!

God my body is dying…I see people making out in movies or fooling around and I get horny. It’s like low-grade porn. But I think I’ve set my eyes on a guy right now. We’ve talked before and when I wanted a relationship I stopped talking to him but we always get thrown into seeing each other and now I just want some sex so I’ve made up my mind and once I’ve set my mind on something I’m going to have sex with it (it being a guys) Damn I need some sex.

And I feel bad for this other guy I went on a few dates with but I wasn’t feeling any physical heat and I hadn’t even kissed him yet. Just through hugging him I felt like it was weak. Sorry dude but you make me feel more frustrated than wanting to kiss you.

I feel like a horny sixteen year old boy.

(Time to clean my room and shave)

On another note, if we can even move on from that thought I started to someone again. A friend, always been a friend and we’ve known each other for years and I fear he may read this so I’m going to be vague here. But I think I’m developing a crush on him.

I also find it odd that we are talking this much. Makes me wonder what he’s up to and that maybe he’s feeling the same way.

I would hope maybe something could come of this once I’m back home from school this spring. (We shall see)

Until then I need me some….some sex. Just no strings attached sex. Gosh I should just hold up a sign and make a Tinder account.

Here we go. And I need to masturbate a lot today to get through the day.

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Filed under Causal, Dating, FOOD, school, sex, single girl problems

Pizza & Sex (Places you don’t want to get sauce in) Or do you…

“I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.” -Mike Birbiglia

Now that I’ve finished my chapbook I’ve given myself a few days of down time. Letting my mind rest and my body just lay down in bed or watching movies in the downstairs living room with a plate of cookies.

Since I’ve been “trying” to not work on my poetry I’ve been scanning the internet reading other blogs and articles. Tonight I came across a post Thought Catalog: 7 Types Of Pizza That Would Make Great Lovers If They Were People.” 

After reading the title I became extremely excited about reading a post not only having to do with food, but is resonate talking about having sex with me…clearly an article for their women’s reader-ship when the main picture of the post is of a woman holding onto her pizza lover. But once I began reading this article I realized how a funny little idea went in the wrong direction. (Maybe I’m far too passionate about my lovers and my pizza)

Their number one: DiGiorno Pizza

First of all they failed to mention DiGiorno Pizza Cheese Stuffed Crust. If we are going to be comparing great sex and pizza lets first start off with cheese in the crust. Second of all DiGiorno Pizza should never be compared as great sex or a “great lover” as this post likes to call sex. DiGiorno becomes the “stay at home boyfriend.” No, I had that boyfriend when I was twenty-one. The post then mentions that you don’t have to go outside to get this pizza. Umm no, you still have to go drag your hungry ass to the grocery store, with no bra on, single and too damn lazy to make a homemade pizza, so you make your way to the froze pizza section where you meet “DiGiorno” and you think this could work, it looks good, it’s friendly and I don’t have to work at all to get a bite. But at the end of the night you realize this pizza is not sweet on me, it’s not good in bed at all. It turns out it was just a romp through the field.

Lovability is not a 9.8/10 (No)

Their Number Two: Little Caesars HOT-N-Ready Pizza

The post seems unsure if Little Caesars is the relationship type or the booty call. Clearly they have never eaten Little Caesars because it’s not only the booty call pizza but the really drunk one night stand that you have and after you end up going to the clinic for an STD test. This shouldn’t even be the “quick fix.” Believe me I’ve had a bite of this pizza and it was a one time very very drunk hook-up that you wake up to thinking, “fuck I did that” and “time to go get tested.”

Lovability is not: $5/10 More like 0/10

Their number Three: $1 NY Pizza (Or cheap slices, $3 Maximum)

I’m not a hooker, they are not a Giglio and we are not strippers. Great sex is not based on the amount of value of money, unless you’re into that short of thing…But still that’s not a “great lover.” Plus the post claims, “You would hold on tight to this person and consider yourself lucky to have found an affordable, scrumptious significant other.”

No…

Lovability they gave A+/10 (seriously need to stop switching the scale…

Their number four: Papa John’s Pizza

Ok, I agree with this one the most and what the post has to say. Papa John’s Pizza is the equivalent  of the guy you date that after you break-up you see everywhere. But I disagree I can to resist biting into their hot pizza, it’s not worth the burnt mouth. They were an asshole, always going to be an ass hole and they are just acting like they care. So no I will not bite into them. I’ll find my own local pizza place that cares about my needs, my hunger and will give me a light spanking now and again.

Lovabilty is not a 8.9/10 (This rating they gave doesn’t make sense. If they’re the ex and burning your mouth why would you rate them so high?) Booo!

Their Number Five: Domino’s Pizza

I’m rather confused with this portion of the post, because they don’t really discuss the quality of pizza itself more the fact that Domino’s comes off as “thirsty” and the Pizza Tracker can be related to a boyfriend who constantly lets you know where they are at all times. (Which is not a healthy at all) Yet the post fails to mention how this pizza would make a “great lover.” When in the reality the post sets up Domino’s not as a great lover but a  clingy lover who you felt bad for because they tried really hard to win you over, so you give them a go in the sack. (Which will all know who that turns out).

Lovability they gave: 9.89/10 Ok maybe more an 8, but that’s because they are cute and sweet, but the sex….no  that’s nowhere near an 9 or 8. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Their Number Six: Pizza Hut

The describe Pizza Hut as, “Pizza Hut the person would obviously have a symmetrical face and a witty personality, glowing with a gorgeous aura that is borderline intimidating. If Pizza Hut was interested you’d certainly act because who can resist…”

I will agree with the first line I left out, that yes I knew Pizza Hut growing up and I was always excited to see one or hear I may end up with some pizza, but the fact is I was young and I just wanted some pizza. Then I grew up and realized what Pizza Hut really was. Full of coupons that don’t do shit, pizza that looks better in the picture and if I’m going to order pizza from a place I’m ordering from Domino’s (they have pasta bowls)

Lovability they gave: 9.1/10 (No….no way in hell)

Their Number Seven: A Pizza Buffet

Ok…poor pizza buffets. Plus this portions is just informing us lovely ladies that you shouldn’t jump from man to man or as they put it, “relationships.” Oh hell no….I want to try myself different types of pizza and I’m going to bite into has many slices as I want, when I want. Not necessarily all at one time and at one place but shit if I want a different kind of pizza by GOD I’M GOING TO GRAB IT AND EAT IT!

Lovability they gave: beginning &Middle: 9.8/10, Towards the end of relationship: -3/10

I really don’t what this one should be really rated but to me a variety means I’m going to find a good time and I thought this was what this post was really going to be about. The good times and the great sex moments via Good pizza.

Now I’m hungry for a real good time and a really good slice of pizza.

Both…at the same time….now.

1321081969705_4397886Did I just rant about pizza? Yes…yes I did.

 

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Filed under Causal, Dating, FOOD, for fun, funny, Pizza, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems