Tag Archives: school

Transition

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  • I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
  • There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.

And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness

  • I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
  • I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
  • When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.
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Filed under Dating, Disability, Friends, Home, Life, Love, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Teachers, thoughts

Doubtful

I’m in one of those moods.

Feeling forever doubtful about poetry and my work.

I’m gradating soon and I have seen so many of my fellow talented writers leave college and to never write again.

I don’t want that to happen to my poems.

But is this a real thing? Many moments throughout my day consist of the thought, am I really good at this whole poetry writing stuff or is everyone just being really nice to me? Because who would say, “Well Sally maybe you should try something else.” This is all I got, I love it, I live for it, it’s what makes me feel better and I am the most happy writing and performing. But how will I make money? How will I get into a great MFA (Full time or low residency)

I want to be the best, but this just never seems to be in the cards for me, well I suppose I just need to dig really deep.

I’m just been so down on myself this week and my work. Maybe it’s the period, maybe the terrible back pain that makes me sleepy and in exhausted. MaybeI’m just facing some hard facts.

I don’t know what else to do but keep writing and performing.

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Filed under Help, Hope, Life, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, venting, WTF?

Stress

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Stress has become a huge player in my everyday life. My mother has always been a very stressed out person and I’m sure I’ve developed some of that stress from growing up around her.

Along with this stress is the terrible pain of my back and neck that has been playing out and its terrible. The amount of medicine I have taken and icy hot on my back has become never-ending and almost placing no effect on making me feel better. My back and neck pain makes everything exhausting and painful. It’s really slowed me down the past few weeks and I’m struggling to keep up.

Friends have become stressful. I love them to pieces but keeping up with everyone’s needs has killed me and stressed me out.

Poetry is always stressful, but I suppose of all the stresses I’m happy and try not to complain about the stresses of writing. More I’m sad my time with my professors is almost over. Of course I have moments of clarity, moments of immense doubt in myself and moments I just want a glass of wine.

But I’m worried because I feel like I’m close to a breaking point, like I’m going to just start crying and freak out. (Great Crazy Sally) I’m trying to prevent this from happening but I’m worried.

Dating stresses me out, more upset at the past, memories I’m ashamed of and the idea that I may never find someone I want to be with. There are plenty that would want to spend their time with me and I’m grateful and flattered but I’m not sure I want any of them. And the more i watch friends find someone and have someone and then the ideas of family members will die, my parents one day will be gone and it will be just me. It really puts everything into perspective the whole meaning behind lovely yourself, because everyday it really is just you. Yes you have friends, family, co-workers and peers but (ok this sounds morbid) but they’re going to die (you’re going to die) or you’ll lose touch with people, realize you no longer work. So its morbid weird thing I’ve been thinking about. Really understanding what loving yourself means.

I think this is where loneliness comes from.

When you have no one. I think this is why many pair off into mates, because it’s no fun feeling lonely and there’s the added plus of kids and passing on a bit of yourself.

Each night I fall asleep and whisper, “I am in love with myself.”

Each day I become more unsure if I ever will find someone who will match up with me, or if I will ever want to match up with someone. For all I know I do with so many but have turned them away because of this gut sick feeling I have towards dating right now. I almost feel sick and don’t want anymore to touch me. To be honest I’m a bit worried what this all means. I hope some of it comes from strength.

I’m pushing the hot showers, the chocolate, watching TV shows, getting more normal sleep than I normally get, like for example its 1:30am and after I post this I’m going to pass out and wake up at 9am. Normally I don’t fall asleep until 3am. I think the sleep and candy is keeping the break down at bay. I’m worried the neck pain is going to push the break down out in the open.

Just need to continue the deep breathing and wine.

And food…lots of food.

Also masturbating here and there. Like I shit you not I was in the middle of writing a paper, got horny, masturbated and then went back to writing.

This is my Life.

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Filed under Back and Neck Pain, Confessions, Dating, Death, Drinking, Family, FML, FOOD, Friends, Help, Hope, Life, Love, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, WTF?

How do you…

How do you thank someone who has done so much for you?

So much that I don’t think they will ever fully understand how much they have done for me.

I am so thankful for my professor. I don’t know where I would be today if not for stumbling into my spring poetry workshop last year. Gosh I owe him everything.

He has been an extraordinary professor. And I’m very sad this is the last semester I’m going to be working with him as a student. Because this last year and a half has been amazing for me.

To say I struggle in school would be an understatement. I have never been a very good student. As hard as I’ve tried I have struggled a lot and I have far too many memories of messing up in school. Too many tears and too many times I’ve hidden facts about myself to friends. Because I don’t want to appear as stupid.

For once in my life I feel like I’m apart of the education community instead of out-of-place. I feel like I belong and I can hold my own not only in my poetry workshops but in all my classes.

It’s hard to express over the internet how huge of a feeling this is for me.

I cry every time I think about it.

Every time I think about much I use to pray as this 7-year-old kid asking God to make me like everyone like. Make me not stupid.

It’s taken me a long time to figure out why I’ve ended up the way I have.

I don’t use the normal route like everyone else. It’s taken a long time to be happy with the fact that  I learn differently. There are times will I still break down and I still get mad at myself. But I’ve gotten better now.

I’ve found a voice and a place where I belong. I am so grateful.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I was a little kid in first grade reading Cat and Dog. The one book I remember as a child because I remember picking that book because it was the only one I could read. Or on kindergarten visit day I would have my buddy kindergartener read the books because they could read better than me and I didn’t want them to find out.

It’s been a long road and it amazes me how young I was and I still knew something felt off about myself.

And that’s what’s wrong with the education system. The fact that I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t smart enough. Finally I’ve realized how many gifts I have and the many gifts that have developed due to my learning disability.

I am so grateful for the woman I am today.

I am so grateful for all the amazing teachers I’ve been given throughout my education. Without them I would not be the person I am today. That is the moment I believe there must be something out there in the universe taking care of us. Because it’s not by accident that I was given all these wonderful teachers and these wonderful parents to hold my hand and help me through my greatest struggles and tears.

Oh my goodness I am overwhelmed with such strength and love.

This is why I want to be a teacher.

Thank you to my teachers.

Thank you to my parents.

Thank you.

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Filed under about me, Family, My Chapbook, reading, school, Sleep, Struggles, Teachers, Thankful, thoughts, universe, Words

Feeling more and more like the self I’ve been searching for

Post written a week ago (Rough Draft of my Chapbook)

I’m trying really hard not to cry at my favorite coffee shop right now as I read my professors wonderful notes about my chapbook.

Gosh I am so lucky to have such an amazing professor working with me and I’m so sad this is going to be the last semester I get to work with him. I know we will have a continuing friendship and he’ll always be there to over look my poetry but gosh I’m going to miss working with him.

If is wasn’t for him I would have never discovered poetry. If not for stumbling into his class I would have never found poetry, never found this voice and I think I still be struggling a lot in my classes. I’ve become this straight A student now (Deans List), which is something I only ever dreamed of.

So I’m trying really hard not to cry right now as I read these extremely helpful notes.

Over the course of these two weeks I have felt more at home with myself. I don’t know if that’s exactly what I want to say. But I feel so comfortable in my own skin. I’m so damn happy.

Of course I still have bad days. But I seem to find myself looking less and less at article titled, “things to do single, things every women to strive for.”

Instead I make my own lists now. More like what I want to eat and what movie I should watch next.

I’m also fortunate I’m in love with my poetry in this moment. Which is nice because I’ve been so upset at my work these last few weeks, but today I so at peace. Maybe it’s because I bought 7 different bottles of lotion at Bath and Body Works. (There was huge sale) I also bought a candle.

I also went on a date yesterday. Post to come soon about that.

In this moment I’m feeling blissful and warm-hearted.

Gosh I am so thankful for this warmth.

Because I created it all on my own.

And as I finish up this post…finally (I’ve been rather busy this week with my poetry) I can now say I’m done with my first Chapbook. I started this bad boy last summer and after many drafts, many different poems and a lot of wine I can say I’m done. Of course I know it will need more work. (When is anything ever really done…

But I’m so goddamn happy right now and I’m hungry.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Dating, FOOD, Hope, Life, My Chapbook, my writing, poetry, school, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Remember where you came from

I suppose this will be my 100th post once I click on the publish button. Not like I’m one to care about certain little milestones (which is both true and a lie) But after I posted my 99th post and whenever I’ve been upset about something or someone and I start thinking about a post I stop myself.  I didn’t want my 100th post to be angry or full of negative energy.

Last year I went through one of the most tragic experiences of my life. Being cheated on by my boyfriend of almost four years was life changing. I not only lost someone I loved very dearly, but I lost my co-worker, my best friend, I lost someone I had grown with and I’ve lost someone that’s still living.

I know what you must be thinking, cheating happens and its rough, sucks ball and never ends well. Then of course you’ll tell me there are far worse events happening around the world. And this is true, but that doesn’t mean this pain I’ve been going through, this loss isn’t real to me. Along with this intense pain I’ve learned I am someone who wears my love on my sleeves, I’m quick to fall for someone and I give all of myself. This does mean I hurt often but I like to think about this section of Andrea Gibson poem, “Royal Hearts.”

Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my separate parts.

  • September 2012 I walked into my first creative writing class [207]
  • October 2012 I began this blog
  • December 2012 I turned in my first set of poems

And January of 2013 I walked into a poetry workshop that was going to change my life forever.

  • April 2013 I got my first poem published
  • September 2013 I toured for the first time
  • October 2013 I performed at my first feature
  • November I helped put together a poetry event

It’s hard to not sit here and cry right now looking at all I’ve accomplished. This is a long time coming for me. Of nights as a little kid crying in my bedroom, looking out the window and asking God, “Please make me like everyone else…I don’t want this disability.”

Here I am. On the track to graduate college, publishing poems, coaching high school students and reading books I use to dream about when I was a little kid in the bookstore.

I am so thankful God never listened to those cries. Even though I’m still rather mad and frustrated about all this sometimes. I’m starting to believe certain things/events happen for a reason and everything comes together at the end of the day to teach you a lesson or throw you into the next moment in life. (But I’m not going to get into that in this post)

I’ve come a long way from that little girl in elementary school sitting at a big round table in the back of dusty library with a popsicle on my tongue to teach my body to sound out the words I must have never been born with.

This is what my 100th post is about, the moments of firsts, the moments I cried and the time I sat down in a chair and found poetry. I’m not sure if I’m gifted or talented even, but I do know I’m happy.

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Filed under about me, Life, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe, Words

I better get some damn good ass Karma after turning down sex twice

Twice tonight two men have hit me up for a good old-time.

Men I have had hook ups with before.

And twice have I said, “No I can’t. I have a paper to work on.”

I haven’t had sex since May! MAY MAAAAAAAAYYY And I said no.

I’m either stupid, accidentally drunk and I’m not thinking, I’m masturbating too much or I have been eating too much cake or I’m just I don’t know…AHHH

I think someone should give me a medal. AND GOD! YEAH! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! YOU OWE ME!

Dear Bruiser,

Get yourself together because I want to have sex with you and you’re killing me! Killing me!

I had to post this up, it’s not every night at 3am not just one guy but two and a kind of third hit you up.

AHHH SEX!

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Filed under Confessions, FML, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, school, sex, single girl problems, Struggles, This would happen to me (funny), WTF?