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Dear New Years Kiss….I hope you’re the best piece of cheesecake I’ve ever eaten

kiss-midnight-new-years-ecard-someecards

It’s that time again….the New Year is upon us, or New Years Eve is to be exact.

Here I am. In my underwear, eating pizza, a stick of cheese and watching Grey’s Anatomy. What more kind a girl want after Monday night drinks. Shout out to finally hanging out with a good friend! Don’t worry you won’t be named the professor on my blog. (insert laugh out loud moment)

Now a lot had happened this year….I’ve been naked more times than I care to count but hey!! LETS FUCKING COUNT!

  1. Peeta: He looked like the guy from the Hunger Games and was too scared to tell me he wanted things to end. hahaha MESS! He was ok making out with, decent at other stuff.
  2. The Awkward Upside Down Turtle: Haven’t written about him yet, but this was a brief and very short encounter. That ended solely because it was too awkward and nothing was clicking. Sexually or emotionally. Which are both huge components for me.
  3. That one time I made out and other stuff with a friend: Yeah…..not the best idea. Nice guy, cool but he’s stuck in life and also a sloppy kisser.
  4. Dumb-ass runner: We saw each other for a good few months, this is the asshole guy. He’s a nice guy and everything, just stupid as shit. Kissing was pretty good. Just took a bit of time and that’s the same with sex. But damn…..we had sex twice a day for three months!! I shit you not…we may miss one day out of those three months. Lots of me upside down and my red handcuffs.
  5. Oh yeah….that huge asshole who was the most sexist, full of himself dude: Now I will admit he was good-looking, but shit on a pine corn, NO ONE IS THAT GOOD LOOKING. He was a dick and then some! Glad I ended that. Man was he pissed….that asshole. Learn how to treat a women and then never speak to me again.
  6. Bahaha remember that time my old ex from High school tried to hook up with me….hahaha and then he tried to act sexy by telling me he did nose candy.
  7. Brusier: I did like you and drunk sex on Easter was great and a really funny story. Yet I’m glad it never worked out though. You’re a good guy, but not for me.
  8. Virgin Corn Field: Gosh I almost forgot about you! Ha! You seemed like the whole package, then I actually hung out with you.
  9. The one that wanted to be a fuck buddy: Ugh….such an ass and creepy.
  10. The fuck buddy: Yeah….this fuck buddy is ending now. I’m done with that train. So move out of my station please! I needs me a new train to pull in.
  11. Remember that time I fooled around with the Spaniard: hahaha omg yeah!
  12. The one’s name that rhymes with Dick: Yeah…thanks for letting me know you’re engaged.

Wow….that was a lot of Penis.

Song of the year: Leave me Here by Hem

Movie of the year: (the one’s I watched waaay too much): A Tie between watching Return of the King too much and Dark Knight Rises. New movie I saw that I enjoyed: Some Like it Hot

Quotation of the Year:

 “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”Elizabeth Gilbert

Book of the Year: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Poetry Book of the Year: Words for Empty and Words for Full by Bob Hicok 

Mess of the Year Moment: When I woke up in the wrong bed after a hook-up. Always fun to wake up in their roommates bed….I suppose.

Numbers of 2013:

  • Only threw up three times after drinking this year and I kind of remember one of the time and it was pretty clean and quick in the bathroom before I passed out.
  • Five times I was told I was caught drunkenly talking to objects
  • Six times I got stuck on a door, the stairs railing, or some other object
  • Probably Twenty time I’m sure I said I wasn’t going to drink much and I ended up drinking a lot!
  • Four one-night-stands in the year 2013
  • I’ve let go of two really great friendships in 2013

In 2013 I lost my kitty Cat Rosie. The last of my childhood pets. I will miss her dearly.

New Years Resolution:

I think having New Years Resolutions are total bullshit and five chicken pies! They always end up being about working out, finding love, or writing in a journal. Half that shit should be an everyday thought.

Resolutions should be like:

  • I’m going to eat the shot out of some cake
  • Watch Breaking Bad naked
  • Sing the entire Highway to Hell album in the shower

The word Resolution is such a firm, eck word.

I prefer to think of every thing I do in my life as something I’ve been planning all a long. I don’t have resolutions, but there’s some shit I would like to make happen:

  • For my heart to beat heavy when someone kisses me
  • To make this Oreo cake son of a bitch
  • I will not drunk download anymore shitty music on iTunes
  • Have sushi with my brother this weekend
  • Get my book published
  • Stop googling the men I’m dating
  • Get published in Rattle
  • Maybe have a dinner date where food doesn’t end up in my hair
  • You know how like guys shave their beards all fun ways and then shave it all off. Well I want to do that! But with the downstairs
  • Check off some of my sex bucket list
  • GO ON A GREAT DATE

2014! Lets do this!

This is going to be the year of poetry shows, manuscripts that make me cry and eat food, wine, beer, books, enjoying my last class with my favorite professor and getting ready to start the rest of my life.

I’m going to be a speed limit this year (Turning 25) But I’ll be speeding around with my red hair, probably naked and eating too much cheese and fries.

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Well that was fast

Thank goodness that everybody knows everybody out here, because I just found out he is single.

 

So false alarm everyone! Sally can get naked!

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Late Night Messages From Boys

As I work late into the night memorizing my poems for this Thursday day poetry event that I’m going to be featured in, he messages me, “The one that has a thing for red heads.”

Messages me on Facebook asking me to drive 45 minutes to go see him. To make out with him, to be naked but no sex, because he’s waiting for marragie. Which I don’t fully understand when I’m bent down giving you head but ok…that’s your forte.

But the fact remains that it hits me, “I am just his warm body pillow.” Because he hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks and out of the blue he decides to message me at 12:15 and see if I will drive over to see him.

And the fact remains he has never driven to see me.

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A taste of my poetry

This is just a taste of one of the many poems I’ve been working on. This is just the ending to a poem called, “Strawberry Awake.” 

Link: Ending to the poem “Strawberry Awake”

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Spring Break Rolls On

Rolling Stones and my hair

The top five songs I’ve been listening to this week as I write:

  1. California by Chris Pureka
  2. Sloppy Seconds by Watsky
  3. Ay Chico (Lengua Afuera) by Pitbull
  4. Blackbird by Paul McCartney
  5. Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore

Weird addictions of the week:

  1. Needing to use my Coca-Cola chap stick everywhere I go, my lips have been so dry.

Spring break is almost over and it’s been interesting to say the least. Spent time with my wonderful best friends, finally got some sleep and I’ve had some of the most vivid dreams ever. I’m not going to go on and on about them or the really intense one I had on Sunday because I hear that people get annoyed at those of us who talk about are dreams, so I’ll simply say these dreams have connected myself spiritually to my mind, my body, and the energy I love to fill up on. These dreams were much needed.

The Guy I’m short of seeing is out of town this week, he’s in Miami, FL working with Habitat for Humanity . So we haven’t had sex since he left on Saturday, which means my friend Tina made brownies last night and stated “Your sex deprived, you need desserts and cats!” Thanks Tina. Actually I’m quite find without the sex, ok kind of but I’ve gone four months before without sex so I’m quite capable of a week thank you very much. I’m more worried that once he’s back everything is going to change and he will want to move on from me. We spoke about where this is going and he said, “I don’t know yet.” Which to me is a serious red flag of someone who could bail on me but that’s a risk I’m going to take because I do enjoy his company and he is fun and very sweet to me; something I haven’t expected in my past relationships.

I’m having headaches and back pain this week. Nothing that has ruined my week but pain thats always there and a reminder of reality. I don’t know why I’m having headaches. Ok I’ve been very tense this week due to work situations. Let me state here to anyone reading this blog and a reminder to myself in the moments of doubt. I love my job, my job is part of my identity, when I’m working at my job you can see the best qualities about me and my greatest strength. But right now I’ve lost a part of care for my job. People can make you feel that way. I don’t care as much anymore and I’m tried of how I’ve been treated these past few months from co-workers and what hurts I’m starting to realize this co-worker doesn’t care about me as a person, or a worker for that matter. Hasn’t tried to get in contact with me. I was kind of waiting for my co-worker to. But what can you do, because people make decisions and this was my co-workers decision. Now I have to start re-thinking what I want for me. Something I honestly don’t do enough. To be honest the main reason I don’t is because I know what I want is going to hurt my heart a bit because I’m going to give up certain aspects of my job and umm now thinking about it on another note as I sit here and think I may have to give up some other aspects of my life as well. This is the part of life that gets hard but I like to think of what my mentor always says,

“We do what we have to do to do what we want to do”

Onto another topic I think I’m going to have a talk with Thrilla my wonderful the “cheating ex #2” For readers of my blog I don’t think I’ve ever written about this but I do still speak to Thrilla on the occasion. We actually have to lunch a few times. This doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t really feel anything around him, because I’ve moved on from him. (Before we even broke up) But it’s hard to let go of someone that was as been in your life for four years and you basically grew up with, in college, work and friendship. Plus I still see a bit of the “old him” the person he use to be. I understand that person is no longer really their but I still see the moments of the “old him.” But he has been asking me to help him pick out a motorcycle because he trusts me with the knowledge I have for them but that means helping him by driving him to the bike, teaching him how to ride it and bring it back into town. Too much for me; I’m not at the point in this “friendship” to be helping him out with that. So it looks like I’m going to have to tell him. I still hurt sometimes and what happened in August is still something I struggle with at moments

Spring break is just about over. Soon I will see the guy “falling into his arms” and see if that is moving onto more moments of bliss or time to move on. Soon I will speak to my boss about what has been going on with me. Soon I will be back in my poetry workshop classes. Thank goodness for my classes, I miss them and I need them to breath again.

But regardless of some stresses I’m doing very well and I may have outward personal stress about work, relationships and past ones. My inside, my spirit is feeling rested and wonderful. Thank goodness for that.

Thank you universe for centering my spirit.

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Best thing I never had

I was sitting down earlier today  and this song popped up in my spotify. Reminding myself of everything I’ve been through from August and how thankful my last relationship is over. Thrilla is a very faded memory, I can barley remember now.

Yes, I do still images of my break up pop up in my mind. Yes, I do still feel hurt sometimes, still get angry and upset sometimes. But for the most part its faded into a deep memory, chapter in my life. I’m still growing but I do feel so much older now, after that. I’m more me now, writing, reading, loving my body, my clothes, my personality and I’m standing up for myself in friendships, in class, with men.

 This opened my eyes to who I was becoming and I didn’t like it. I’m happier, I’m awake, I’m alive. I’m finally being myself again.

This was the best thing that could have ever happened to me

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New baggage

August 2012: A break-up that will forever change my how I view “relationships” And forever will be intertwined within my stories, within my heart.

Tonight why I sit here and write I wait for the guy I’ve “seeing” to text me back. Now deep down I know he likes me, a lot. An example of this, he today he was at some part of the library when I was in class, I then ended up at the library with some friends posted a picture of us being silly and before he was on his way out he figured out where we were so he could say goodbye and give me a kiss. This is the reassurance in my heart. But then I get these sweeping panic attacks that he’s not going to come back. That maybe he is right now as he speak sleeping with another girl, laying down with her and kissing her.

I give you my “new baggage” the new worry I have attached to my heart. Thanks to my ex thrilla this is a new problem that at times I have no control over at all. Now most the time I have a pretty good handle on it but times like these, sitting here writing, right now my chest hurts, it aches, it worries for what he could be doing, if he really does like me. This baggage is so heavy on my heart. I know, I understand this baggage is not going anywhere anytime soon and I’m hopping that understanding this will make me a little bit stronger and the baggage a little bit smaller. But sometimes I have no control over the feeling.

So I write about it, I day dream, I pour my heart out on open line pages. That seems to make me stronger. Then after the feeling has passed, after the no control lifts from my chest. I take a deep breath, re-adjust my eyes and remember to have hope, to try and trust again and always smile.

Here’s to having hope.

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