The Past

“I’ve never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don’t understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.”
― Sophia Loren

These are the men:

Some I have kissed, some slept with, some fell in love with, some I’ve crushed on and some that have crushed my heart. Some have been around for years, some only days/weeks/ maybe months.

This is my past.

Vanilla Thrilla:  You were once my best friend, my co-worker, a teammate, a duo partner and someone I loved very deeply. We dated for almost 4 years. Middle of August 2012 I not only found out that he had been cheating on me for five months, but with someone I knew. All the red flags I ignored, all the times I didn’t listen to my gut when it said, “I think its time you two break-up.” The memory of the time we broke up for four months and the thought of, “We should have stayed broken up.” I still cannot get over all the items I found, the messages, notes, poems, the secret life you were living each time I said, “I love you over the phone.” But despite all these painful moments, these memories I don’t feel sad anymore, angry, or heartbroken. Those feelings moved on quickly anyway, but I feel nothing for you, whats the point anyway? It wouldn’t make me a better person or make me feel better to be upset, so I moved on. Of course I do understand you set my foundation for my career and I wouldn’t be where I am in my career without your help. But you know I think your worst fear was the day I would realize that yes you did help me but all the gifts, the skills that have come forth these past months where always inside of me and all you really did was push me to shine, to believe in myself. I think thats why we didn’t work; you were not ok with soaring above you in certain aspects. You cheating on me may have been the best thing that you could have ever done for me, because I was being so weak, I was blind and comfortable about life, about love. And after you, after August; I can now say I know exactly who I am, what I want in life, in my career. It was time we had parted ways. I know I’m better off. I haven’t felt this good about myself, my life since high school. It was nice knowing you Thrilla, would have been nice if you hadn’t cheated on me, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers. We official no longer speak to each other.

The guy I can no longer talk to because:  There comes a moment between the time you dated a guy to the now where you realize you can no longer be friends because you are so different now. At one moment I thought he was everything I was looking for. But there’s some stuff I’m not really ready to lay out here about him and why I can no longer be friends. It really hurts but for my mental health and from my past he needs to stay in the past for good.

The Poet: Well from what I’ve been told, you have been crushing on me for years and I don’t think I really felt anything until Thrilla and I broke up in the summer. We kissed, it was hot and thats about it.  You’re definitely a very gifted person.We talk on and off but thats about it. Nothing will ever come of this, we will always just be friends, because we both think and see the world too differently, but you are a good friend. Thank you good friend.

Peeta: A guy I was causally seeing for about a month (Read Doppelganger Dating) He was an attractive, nice, midwestern guy. Who ever ends up with him is going to be a very lucky lady. It’s rare to met a guy who knows what he wants out of his career and out of life. I know we don’t speak anymore and you were basically a rebound but you made an impact in my life and helped me get through a hard time without even realizing it. But you will always be the boy that looks like the actor playing Peeta in the Hunger Games.

Mr. Nose Candy: Oh…I don’t even know where to begin with your ass. Well, lets see, you were one of my boyfriends in high school for just four months (the shortest relationship I have ever had). You want my ass, but lets be real you were an ass when we broke up. You not only kissed a girl when we were dating, but broke up with me and then hooked up with her right after are a break up. Oh and then told me a month later that no one will ever love me and no one will want to marry me. But now you have come out of the wood works and you want to have something with me. Umm no. First of all….Wait why I’m I even giving you reasons why not, I think we ALL know why we aren’t together anymore. But i have to admit you have given me some great stories to tell and you were a few pages of my life. (Read Mr. Nose Candy posts)

The High School Boyfriend: You were definitely the definition of a high school boyfriend. We dated for like what, two years? Yeah lets say two years, and then some. You were definitely the most romantic of my ex’s and definitely the most Jewish of them too. We were so young and so free spirited. You were definitely a chapter in my life, it feels it was so long ago. You will forever be my high school boyfriend. A time were I believed love could do and be anything. We don’t really talk or run into each other ever but you were a big part of me growing up and although my view on love has changed, you have shown me how free and open love can be, how it should be. Thank you.

The Douchebag: A friend, of a friend, of a friend, of a…blah blah blah we barley knew each other but you started chatting with me on Facebook. You were definitely very attractive and charming to a point (sometimes a bit too cheesy for me personally) Now this one is from California, near my hometown and we had planned on meeting when I got back for Winter Break. But once I was home, I didn’t really want to see him, just had this gut feeling, this red flag from him. And of course I would end up being right. Not only did he text me one night, “I want to be inside of you, ” He also random a week later after the fucked up sexting message this: “You’re too difficult to hang out with, I’m seeing someone else now.” And after telling him off he then told me he was lying and just wanted a rise in me (I assumed the last portion myself) This all ends and blows up with us planning on going out to dinner and he cancels randomly saying he thought I didn’t want to have dinner anymore and he wanted to watch the Larkers game. And that was the end of that. By far one of the biggest, most self-centered, ass-holes  have spoken too and who basically would have just wanted to get into my pants and would have bailed afterwards. This middle finger is for your Cali. Douchebag

Bruiser: This is a guy I met through my roommates. I never thought I would end up hooking up with you. Just didn’t see this one coming, but we did and on a Easter Sunday morning no less. Name is Bruiser solely due to the fact that you like to bite (I like biters) but yes you do love to bite and hard. Now I have huge bite marks on my hips. My roommates are really the ones that came up with the name. But this guy, he seems like a good guy. Will he ever make up his mind that I’m something worth the time? I don’t think so.

The one that turned out to be an ASSHOLE: I once was calling you “Falling into his arms” a month ago. We met randomly one night at the bars, I fell into you and we kissed and life seemed great after that. Believe me asshole, actions speak louder then words. You liked me, more then you were planning and it looks like you got scared because I haven’t heard from you since you’ve gotten back from spring break. You just left me here confused, hurt and wondering what the fuck happened. I believed every sweet word you said to me and never thought in a million years you would never just bail on me like this. I understand if things needed to end for you, but have some BALLS and tell the woman you have been sleeping with for almost three months it’s not working out to her face, instead of running away. My ex who cheated on me had more balls. Shit every other guy on this page is better then you because they each had the balls to tell me its over. I can’t believe I trusted you. I deserve better then what you have done to me. So now here you are, forever in my past as the ASSHOLE! You’re welcome.

Virgin Corn Field- (Use to be the guy into red hair but got a better name!) This guy. Sent me a Facebook request, started talking on Facebook, then skyping a lot, then we finally met last week. I think I still kind of like you, but I’m trying to get over that because I’ve come to the realization that you are just like every other guy I’ve met. You just wanted to use me for my body and I let you. Hoping that maybe you wanted more, to keep me around for more. This doesn’t seem to be the case. I thought you were going to be different. Guess you weren’t going to be the one to prove me wrong. I’m very disappointed in you. Might I add that he’s waiting till marriage to have sex, which is fine and flowers but having oral sex and no sex…really? Get yo life! Naked in a corn field and no sex. I was a bit lost for a good hour, just thinking to myself, “hmm normally I be having sex by now, I don’t know what to do.”

The Dick: I thought for once I was moving in the right direction with somebody. He seemed nice, sweet and a really great guy. Then I found out he has a girlfriend and they are very much together. I think they also may be engaged. This one was rough. We both liked each other, just wasn’t meant to be. I deserve better and of course I never want to be the other women or just be something on the side. And he is right, he will forever be the dick.

The one that wants to be the fuck-buddy:   We hooked-up once. And then you fucked it up by telling people and then I was going to give you another shot, but you fucked that up too. One,  you wanted to just be fuck buddies after I said I wanted something more then sex and Two, you are still seeing your ex and really don’t want her to find out about me. umm RED FLAGS! Oh guess what…I heard his moving in with his Ex soon….hmmm Asshole. Plus you creep me out with how much you seem to want my body more than me. Yuck! The look you give.

The drug dealer: Ok this one is short. One night stand, drunk, haven’t seen you since that night and lets keep it that way. Oh, he was a drug dealer and went to jail, but I guess he’s getting married now….

The Life choice: Yeah, one night stand number two. Yeah that happened, drunk, naked and then oh fuck….LIFE LESSON! Yeah now I see you once and awhile and hey it seems less awkward now, cool! And I pray, I pray no ones knows about who this is. Because then shit would go down. Hahaha Shit. It was nice fucking you, umm yeah….not. *Life choice*

That one night stand I really don’t remember: Don’t you hate it when your drunk enough you only remember images? Like I remember the bar, I remember going to the car and then all I remember after that is having sex. Then I wake up in the morning half naked. Yeah that’s about it, so umm one night stand number three. Cool. Oh and then we hooked-up again…at least I remembered more that second time….kind of. That third time…yeah I don’t remember.

The Twin: I dated this guy who happened to be a twin, yeah I don’t remember this relationship much. We dated for about four months and then realized it wasn’t working out and decided to call it quits, I guess thats how it happened. But I don’t remember much of this relationship And you ran track and shit and now you dance? OK….Cool.

The one that I made out with for a week: We made out for a week. i really thought I liked you, but lesson learned, get to really know someone first before you really make that desicion. Believe me dude, it wouldn’t have worked out. You couldn’t make your mind up, you were way to shy for me. I mean ok i know I can be shy but damn. YOu are a nice person, but it was not the right fit for me. I shouldn’t have made with you to begin with. But thats what i get for being single and drunk.

The Random Make out session, now friends: This one is pretty simple and quick. We made out randomly one night. I thought I had a crush on you, but I got over that pretty quickly. It wouldn’t have worked out any ways. So now we are friends. I think its better to stay friends.

The Spaniard: We kissed last week, or thats what I’ve been told. You think you’re such a player but its fine. You’re a pretty funny guy, espically after sending me a picture of you and the Asshole posing for a picture. That made my night! Hope we can be chill friends and give each other shit.

2 responses to “The Past

  1. Pingback: The Rabbit | The Cat Chronicles

  2. Ohmhh…Wicked yet Interesting.
    knowing you more is like knowing you less.

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