Tag Archives: grateful

How do you…

How do you thank someone who has done so much for you?

So much that I don’t think they will ever fully understand how much they have done for me.

I am so thankful for my professor. I don’t know where I would be today if not for stumbling into my spring poetry workshop last year. Gosh I owe him everything.

He has been an extraordinary professor. And I’m very sad this is the last semester I’m going to be working with him as a student. Because this last year and a half has been amazing for me.

To say I struggle in school would be an understatement. I have never been a very good student. As hard as I’ve tried I have struggled a lot and I have far too many memories of messing up in school. Too many tears and too many times I’ve hidden facts about myself to friends. Because I don’t want to appear as stupid.

For once in my life I feel like I’m apart of the education community instead of out-of-place. I feel like I belong and I can hold my own not only in my poetry workshops but in all my classes.

It’s hard to express over the internet how huge of a feeling this is for me.

I cry every time I think about it.

Every time I think about much I use to pray as this 7-year-old kid asking God to make me like everyone like. Make me not stupid.

It’s taken me a long time to figure out why I’ve ended up the way I have.

I don’t use the normal route like everyone else. It’s taken a long time to be happy with the fact that  I learn differently. There are times will I still break down and I still get mad at myself. But I’ve gotten better now.

I’ve found a voice and a place where I belong. I am so grateful.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I was a little kid in first grade reading Cat and Dog. The one book I remember as a child because I remember picking that book because it was the only one I could read. Or on kindergarten visit day I would have my buddy kindergartener read the books because they could read better than me and I didn’t want them to find out.

It’s been a long road and it amazes me how young I was and I still knew something felt off about myself.

And that’s what’s wrong with the education system. The fact that I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t smart enough. Finally I’ve realized how many gifts I have and the many gifts that have developed due to my learning disability.

I am so grateful for the woman I am today.

I am so grateful for all the amazing teachers I’ve been given throughout my education. Without them I would not be the person I am today. That is the moment I believe there must be something out there in the universe taking care of us. Because it’s not by accident that I was given all these wonderful teachers and these wonderful parents to hold my hand and help me through my greatest struggles and tears.

Oh my goodness I am overwhelmed with such strength and love.

This is why I want to be a teacher.

Thank you to my teachers.

Thank you to my parents.

Thank you.

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Filed under about me, Family, My Chapbook, reading, school, Sleep, Struggles, Teachers, Thankful, thoughts, universe, Words

Ugly Sweater Epiphany

This last week/weekend has mustered a lot of light bulb moments. A lot of realizations and for once being thankful for certain situation not panning out.

Saturday night wearing all black at a very “midwestern” ugly sweater party I sit with my best friends Valerie drinking some very nice cheap wine and I watch these guys, the ones I’ve almost dated and hear about other’s I’ve dated and what they up to now. As I’m watching and hearing all this play out I realize I’m so thankful I’m not with any of these guys.

And I think about all the times each guy I’ve been with and has left me standing here alone, I think about what each of them has said to me, “from you deserve better, you love too much, you’re amazing.” I’ve always written these line sin my poetry as painful cliche lines that guys place upon women and this could still be true and I could be just acting silly but I rather start to think about these lines as hell yeah I am too good for you!

I much rather sit down in this chair, drinking wine, watching these guys who couldn’t handle a woman like me and be grateful that each of them realized I wasn’t the one for them because there is someone out there who I’m much more suited for and will not only sit with me and talk about my day but will run along side of me with not only my passion but their’s too. (Ok now I sound like a cheesy chocolate or ring commercial)

I much rather say things like that, then I’m never going to find someone. And you know what maybe I don’t find someone. Maybe no one is good enough for me.

I think it’s about damn time I set my standards high, because I’m a beautiful, caring, talented young woman. And hell yeah I’m going to still fuck it up and date the dumb ass loser who is going to break my heart, because I throw myself into situation fast and hard but I don’t care. I’m going to cry, I’m going to go buy some cake mix and wine and cry in the shower. Then I’m going to write a poem about, because shit this bullshit guy stuff sucks but at least I get a good poem out of it.

So to the guy that’s out there somewhere waiting for me (Lets hope your real and not just a piece of cake I’m imaging) lets hope you run into me soon or hit your head and realize you want to run with someone like me, ok maybe not actually running, because its icy in Peoria right now and I slip walking. Here’s to hoping this man realizes he can’t spend the rest of his life without.

Until then, I’ll drinking wine

(Not like that’s going to stop once I met someone)

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Filed under Being a woman, Dating, Ex-boyfriends, good energy, Hope, Love, Thankful

I’m a Poet?

Today has increasingly turned into, “Oh, you’re the poet.” Or “Oh, I love your work. You’re amazing.”

Which has now lead to every time I walk into an open mic  someone knows me, knows my work, knows I’m from California, but I’ve never met any of these people and they are so happy to hear I’ve decided to read my work at the open mic.

And tonight, I went to an open mic at a bar, where for most of the performances everyone was chatting in the back, people coming in who just wanted a drink, etc. But then I stood up to read and everyone listened, everyone in the bar turned to hear my work, it was so quiet.

I’m very shocked and very humble by this feeling, because I don’t think my work is that amazing. I just really love performing, really love writing and it’s amazing to think others enjoy my work.

I don’t think of myself as a poet, or a writer and it trips me out still when someone says, “Oh you’re a writer, so you know or hey your that poet I’ve heard about!”

I guess maybe I am a poet now?

I’m so humble by everything that’s happening for me.

So thankful and so grateful that I get to do what I love

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Filed under my writing, poetry, Thankful, universe