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Today I masturbated to a Berry White song, candles and my pretty pink vibrator

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Today (I mean Saturday March 8th) was amazing. Now of course I’m writing this at 3am which is due to the fact that I just watch half of the documentary, My Amityville Horror and after the creepiest fucking picture of a ghost boy we shut off the film and freaked out for 10 minutes and then put on The Office to calm ourselves down. Real ghosts or not and no matter what you believe it was creep as fuck.

But this March 8th was an amazing little day. I got to spend all day at my favorite little coffee shop working on my poetry. Hung out with friends, went to two little house parties, had a nice beer, lots of food all day. I’ve been pushing myself to eat better and eat more throughout my day and my body has been feeling wonderful.

Also I found out today one of my poems found a home! It’s going to be getting published in a University Journal! Yay! It felt wonderful to read the email. They also invited me to read at their university so I’m pretty sure I’m going to attend that. Basically I’m feeling great, because this is another stepping stone for my work. I can’t wait to see where I’ll go from here!

As for the title of this blog, yes I masturbated. Ha!

Honestly I hadn’t recently masturbated the last week or so, but after I had dinner I just got the feeling and ok I happen to have a candle already lit and ok I may have put on some Barry White, because I have a poem where I joke about masturbating as a Berry White song plays so I thought I should actually live up to umm my writing….yeah.

Two things I learned today: I need to get laid and I want a new fancy vibrator

and of course I would talk about masturbation and my poetry getting published in the same goddamn post. Ha!

And this is my life.

FML bahahaha

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Filed under Being a woman, FML, FOOD, funny, poetry, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny)

Gosh, I can be such a mess

Today was beyond hilarious and showed everyone how much I’m a mess of red hair running around.

First I woke up early today to go to the gym and I thought to myself at 8am, I’m going to sleep in a bit longer but I though hey I’ll go on Facebook for a few minutes and then sleep a bit longer. But I forgot last night I decided to be a grown up (kind of) and log out of not only all my emails but my social media sites as well. At 8am trying to remember one of my millions of passwords was a struggle.

Problem 1: Forgot Facebook Password

Problem 2: I Forgot my yahoo password which is the recovery account

Problem 3: Can’t access the recovery email for yahoo but to be honest I don’t even remember that old email.

Problem 4: So next step was to use a new email-used my college email-didn’t send to my email right away and Facebook tells me I should wait 30 minutes so I figure ok i’ll nap for an hour and see when I wake up

Problem 5: Still nothing, so I try another email…still nothing

Problem 6: Try my phone number, but I don’t have a smart phone. Oh don’t worry I tried to send the link to my email, but when i did that it told me I have to use the link through my phone.

So I can’t get on Facebook and I think to myself ok that’s not all that bad.

Problem 7: OMG MY SPOTIFY! I need that for when I’m working on poetry.

So I made myself a new spotify account.

*THIS IS MY LIFE**

Also I went to my poetry workshop today and I’m sitting in there with one of my peers and we are chatting and having a good time being in class earlier and I look down at my shirt and I realize: “Damn, my shirt is inside out.”

Shit.

This was my day all day!

 

 

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Filed under about me, FML, funny, This would happen to me (funny)

Pizza & Sex (Places you don’t want to get sauce in) Or do you…

“I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.” -Mike Birbiglia

Now that I’ve finished my chapbook I’ve given myself a few days of down time. Letting my mind rest and my body just lay down in bed or watching movies in the downstairs living room with a plate of cookies.

Since I’ve been “trying” to not work on my poetry I’ve been scanning the internet reading other blogs and articles. Tonight I came across a post Thought Catalog: 7 Types Of Pizza That Would Make Great Lovers If They Were People.” 

After reading the title I became extremely excited about reading a post not only having to do with food, but is resonate talking about having sex with me…clearly an article for their women’s reader-ship when the main picture of the post is of a woman holding onto her pizza lover. But once I began reading this article I realized how a funny little idea went in the wrong direction. (Maybe I’m far too passionate about my lovers and my pizza)

Their number one: DiGiorno Pizza

First of all they failed to mention DiGiorno Pizza Cheese Stuffed Crust. If we are going to be comparing great sex and pizza lets first start off with cheese in the crust. Second of all DiGiorno Pizza should never be compared as great sex or a “great lover” as this post likes to call sex. DiGiorno becomes the “stay at home boyfriend.” No, I had that boyfriend when I was twenty-one. The post then mentions that you don’t have to go outside to get this pizza. Umm no, you still have to go drag your hungry ass to the grocery store, with no bra on, single and too damn lazy to make a homemade pizza, so you make your way to the froze pizza section where you meet “DiGiorno” and you think this could work, it looks good, it’s friendly and I don’t have to work at all to get a bite. But at the end of the night you realize this pizza is not sweet on me, it’s not good in bed at all. It turns out it was just a romp through the field.

Lovability is not a 9.8/10 (No)

Their Number Two: Little Caesars HOT-N-Ready Pizza

The post seems unsure if Little Caesars is the relationship type or the booty call. Clearly they have never eaten Little Caesars because it’s not only the booty call pizza but the really drunk one night stand that you have and after you end up going to the clinic for an STD test. This shouldn’t even be the “quick fix.” Believe me I’ve had a bite of this pizza and it was a one time very very drunk hook-up that you wake up to thinking, “fuck I did that” and “time to go get tested.”

Lovability is not: $5/10 More like 0/10

Their number Three: $1 NY Pizza (Or cheap slices, $3 Maximum)

I’m not a hooker, they are not a Giglio and we are not strippers. Great sex is not based on the amount of value of money, unless you’re into that short of thing…But still that’s not a “great lover.” Plus the post claims, “You would hold on tight to this person and consider yourself lucky to have found an affordable, scrumptious significant other.”

No…

Lovability they gave A+/10 (seriously need to stop switching the scale…

Their number four: Papa John’s Pizza

Ok, I agree with this one the most and what the post has to say. Papa John’s Pizza is the equivalent  of the guy you date that after you break-up you see everywhere. But I disagree I can to resist biting into their hot pizza, it’s not worth the burnt mouth. They were an asshole, always going to be an ass hole and they are just acting like they care. So no I will not bite into them. I’ll find my own local pizza place that cares about my needs, my hunger and will give me a light spanking now and again.

Lovabilty is not a 8.9/10 (This rating they gave doesn’t make sense. If they’re the ex and burning your mouth why would you rate them so high?) Booo!

Their Number Five: Domino’s Pizza

I’m rather confused with this portion of the post, because they don’t really discuss the quality of pizza itself more the fact that Domino’s comes off as “thirsty” and the Pizza Tracker can be related to a boyfriend who constantly lets you know where they are at all times. (Which is not a healthy at all) Yet the post fails to mention how this pizza would make a “great lover.” When in the reality the post sets up Domino’s not as a great lover but a  clingy lover who you felt bad for because they tried really hard to win you over, so you give them a go in the sack. (Which will all know who that turns out).

Lovability they gave: 9.89/10 Ok maybe more an 8, but that’s because they are cute and sweet, but the sex….no  that’s nowhere near an 9 or 8. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Their Number Six: Pizza Hut

The describe Pizza Hut as, “Pizza Hut the person would obviously have a symmetrical face and a witty personality, glowing with a gorgeous aura that is borderline intimidating. If Pizza Hut was interested you’d certainly act because who can resist…”

I will agree with the first line I left out, that yes I knew Pizza Hut growing up and I was always excited to see one or hear I may end up with some pizza, but the fact is I was young and I just wanted some pizza. Then I grew up and realized what Pizza Hut really was. Full of coupons that don’t do shit, pizza that looks better in the picture and if I’m going to order pizza from a place I’m ordering from Domino’s (they have pasta bowls)

Lovability they gave: 9.1/10 (No….no way in hell)

Their Number Seven: A Pizza Buffet

Ok…poor pizza buffets. Plus this portions is just informing us lovely ladies that you shouldn’t jump from man to man or as they put it, “relationships.” Oh hell no….I want to try myself different types of pizza and I’m going to bite into has many slices as I want, when I want. Not necessarily all at one time and at one place but shit if I want a different kind of pizza by GOD I’M GOING TO GRAB IT AND EAT IT!

Lovability they gave: beginning &Middle: 9.8/10, Towards the end of relationship: -3/10

I really don’t what this one should be really rated but to me a variety means I’m going to find a good time and I thought this was what this post was really going to be about. The good times and the great sex moments via Good pizza.

Now I’m hungry for a real good time and a really good slice of pizza.

Both…at the same time….now.

1321081969705_4397886Did I just rant about pizza? Yes…yes I did.

 

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Filed under Causal, Dating, FOOD, for fun, funny, Pizza, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar

Saturday was one of the most refreshing nights I’ve had in a while. Especially since this night almost didn’t even happen.

I was rather stressed on Saturday and after a weeks worth of life choices ranging from naked in the wrong bed, hang over Wednesday and having to let go of a guy I thought could have been something more than just friends.

From crying in the shower, to still being drunk at 8am on Wednesday it was definitely hell last week. Saturday night going out didn’t seem like the best of ideas, especially with all the poetry I have to memorize and papers I feel behind in.

My friend Alicia invited me to go out to this bar, let call it “Navy Blue.” At first I said, “no, I’m working on a bunch of stuff.” Then some divine feeling, or maybe I was just thirsty ripped to me and I text her back, ‘you know what, yeah come pick me up.” After drinking with Alicia and three other couples, Valerie finally arrived. “THANK GOD!” Too many couples. You know those couples that all just want to hold each other and buy each other drinks and talk about couple things, so when you throw in a “guess who I spelt with this week!?” Then they just stare at you.

Now I told Alicia I was only going out to Navy Blue for drinks but the rest of the group was planning on going out to this “Irish bar.” Again this “spirit” deep down inside me was like, “ahh, Fuck it…LETS go!”

For the majority of the night sitting at this large table you could see the three couples and then to the right, “the single bitches.” Proudly objecting the men who decided to come into the bar in power ranger costumes, “dat ass!” Fast forward a few hours, Alicia catches her eyes on a very good-looking guy. Valerie, Alicia and I are a very bad combination drinking and horny as shit. We walk by them to get drinks and I’m not going to go into detail about the secret skills it takes to get a guy attention.

Oh wait….we’re good looking…..so it took nothing….I just had to flip my red hair and smile.

Two free drinks later we are joking with this creepy old man at the bar who happens to have two belly buttons! His name is Horseshoe. I shit you not and he told my friend Alicia that, “her cleavage looks like a midget’s butt crack.”

Eventually these three good-looking guys, who are very tall (that’s important during these economic times) invited us back to their house. We went, because why the fuck not. Of course Valerie made me promise we must all go home together.

These three guys names shall be: “He likes to party,” “Batman” and “In my pants.”

So after a game of Cards Against Humanity and King’s cup.

During King’s cup Alicia decides its best to make the rule that at the end of every sentence you have to end, “In my pants.” Of course I’m very drunkenly entertained by this, so is this good-looking guy who makes a point to move next to me. Eventually people step out of the room long enough that we make out and I end up on top of him making out. “Hot,HOT,HOT” ALL THAT IS GREEN ON EARTH I SHOULDN”T HAVE STOPPED HAVING SEX!”

Finally its time to go, it’s 3am and I have to be somewhere by 7am. We all exchange numbers and head home. Of course In my pants guys and I text till 4am and then I passed out. Next day we text a lot, he makes it very clear he wants to see me again. I definitely do, even if this just ends up being a hook-up.

Then like every great moment I’ve been having these past few weeks, reality comes crashing in. Now I cannot confirm and deny this, but for what I’ve gathered. In my pants guy may not only have a girlfriends but they are engaged! Now from the information I have I could be %100 off, but I don’t know if I’m wrong or right. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Valerie asked me what I’m going to do and I told her I’m going to do what I never got. I’m going to back away, I didn’t know and now I do, so I’m not going to add more damage to a relationship that’s obviously not working out anymore. That’s their mess, not mine and I don’t want to dive deeper into the pain that will eventually surface.

And of course I never want to be the other women.

I must confess though, it’s hard to not want to text him and just hook up with him. I will always have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That, “someone did this to me so why not?”

I also wonder if this is the universe testing me, like what would I do if the roles were resivse. Wondering if I would keep to my word and feelings towards cheating. I believe this was a lesson and test the universe was putting me through. Or maybe I’m saying this to make myself feel better about when i was cheated on twice, by two different guys.

of course I never would cheat or be involved in cheating. I went through far too much and I still deal with that betrayal. For the rest of my life my ex-boyfriend cheating on me will forever be a deep scar that I will carry around and I don’t want to know I ever caused others pain. So I will back away, especially until I find out the truth.

I’m not going to lie though. I’m pretty bummed. I thought I was finally getting somewhere in dating. So now I just want to give up on dating and become pie.

Unknown

Life would be easier to just be pie.

I’m going to admit it here if it’s not already crystal clear. I want a relationship. More than the drunk sex, the confused back and forth guys and the ones in relationships or the ones who can’t let go. I want a best friend again. It’s been so long since I’ve had someone I was in a inmate relationship with someone who was my best friend.

I’m slowly giving up on finding someone. I’m beginning to come to the terms more and more each day that maybe I was never really meant to meet someone, be with someone and fall in love in the ways I have day dreamed about for years.

Because as of right now, no man “boy” can handle being with a woman like me.

So I’ll just eat some pie.

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Filed under Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Friends, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

Valerie and I driving at midnight after picking up Bdubs

I decided that tonight I wanted Bdubs so Valerie and I ordered take out by phone. Which I may add I’m terrible at! I started to order right when the woman picked up the phone. This reminds me of how terrible I am at ordering through the drive-thru. My brother makes fun of me because I always end a order with, “that will be all” and I also say, ‘I would like a coke to drink.” My brother is always like, “to drink?” and then laughs at me. (I’m a mess)

So at the start of the drive we start to talk about the two guys we both are stuck on. Valerie is into “the Rabbit” again and I’m hung up on Bruiser again. Which leads to Valerie saying, ‘How did this happen?!” “Right when you think your over someone!”

Which lead to the car ride home after getting take out, 

Valerie started eating her fries in the car, saying, “God damn he’s sooo hot.”

Which lead to a series of conversation on the car ride back:

Valerie: God the rabbit is so hot! His hair!

Me: God Bruiser beard

Valerie: God he’s so good at sex

Me: And Bruiser likes biting

Valerie: and the rabbit grabbing my ass

Me: OK WE HAVE TO STOP! I’m getting turned on!

Then Valerie starts her weird laugh cry she does as she’s saying, “Sally we are waiting for guys! We never do this! We sad we never do this but we are!! What are we going to to?!”

And this is us right now, laughing, joking puzzled about how we got into this mess. So we are sleeping in the living room tonight watching Forrest Gump.

I think we needed it. 

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Filed under FOOD, Friends, funny, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems

Question and Answer (Why I fill these out and post them I’ll never know)

So I woke up at 8am this morning because that’s what I tend to do after drinking. I wake up really early, not hung over and wanting to do something. I kind of worked on a few poems but I need a break from that so someone I follow on Tumblr posted this question answer thingy and I thought why the hell not, I’ll fill it out!

(Having some silly fun)

1.Kissed a girl? And I liked it! (Terrible Katy Perry joke…)

2.Kissed a boy? Do I really have to answer this one?

3.Had sex in public? If answer yes to this one do I even have to answer number #1 and #2? Of course I’ve had sex in public.

4.What’s your religion? I’m a very spiritual person but I prefer not to label myself a religion. I take away a lot from christianity and I take a lot away from buddhism. Then I take parts from funky stuff, like cord cuttings and other energy healing concepts.

5.What does your URL mean? This is silly. No.

6.Reason you joined Tumblr?It took me about 5 tries before I actually joined tumblr. If anyone can fuck up signing up for tumblr…I can

7.Do you have any nicknames? I will not answer this and give away my name but I do have a few random red-head joke names that include, Strawberry Short Cake and cinnamon muff.

8.Do you like bubble bath? Yes, I very much enjoy bubble bath, especially for my bad back

9.Kissed in the rain? I believe so, but its been awhile

10.Dyed your hair? With Henna, all natural shit

11.Soup or salad? Umm I want both

12.Vegetable or meat? Both, I LOVE FOOD. OHH I could have made this one sound so dirty…

13.Go out drinking?  You don’t need to go out drinking to drink. Shit, I drink in the shower when I’m in a hurry.

14.Smoke cigarettes? Nope, never have

15.Smoke weed? Never have

16.Do any hard drugs? Only a mans heat…haha (such a bad, weird joke) But really no hard drugs, but clearly I haven’t ever smoked anything, so it be weird if I skipped over weed and cigarettes for some nose candy.

17.Have you had sex today? Nope and thanks for reminding I need to masturbate

18.Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Yes. I’ve learned though I don’t always enjoy this or I’ve also learned that I can tell how compatible a guy and I are depending on how comfortable it is to cuddle falling asleep.

19.The relationship between you and the person you last texted? My poet friend, I’m touring with him at the moment. Really cool guy, very talented poet.

20.Has anyone said you have pretty eyes? Not to sound vain or anything but I get that a lot.

21.Skipped doing homework to play a video game? I have actually, umm Left For Dead and Halo sound much more fun sometimes…but its been a long time since I’ve had “homework” because the work I do for class is writing and reading books which I do on the daily.

22.Tried to commit suicide? umm, not really. I Know that sounds silly to put “not really” I will say I’ve thought of it, beginning of high school. I collected pills even but no I would have never gone through with it, really I wouldn’t have and have never thought about it again. High school at the start was hard, school wise for me. I really struggled and felt really embarrassed about my being apart of special education.

23.The last time you felt broken? Hmm…It’s been awhile. I’m not sure. Maybe at the start of summer.

24.Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt? Ok this question is stupid, I’m not going to answer it.

25.Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Nope…just me and my wine and my cats and my vibrators

26.Do you have Long hair OR short hair? Long hair

27.First thing you notice to a guy? Beard or no beard and then smile

28.Do you sing in the shower? I run poems in the shower and its driving my roommates crazy because throughout the day they hear me running my poems in different locations of the house.

29.Do you dance in the car? Umm heckkkk yeah! AND SING!

30.Where were you yesterday?Coffee shop-One Class-AND MY FEATURE FOR POETRY!

31.Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes…my dads side of the family is very “man.” They have motorcycles, cars and like sports but not just like football sports but track and cycling and racing dirt bikes.

32.Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Last month by my roommate. She’s a wonderful photographer. (And who says portrait taken)

33.Do you think musicals are cheesy? Umm no, Musicals rock my dancing socks!

34.Is Christmas stressful? No, but its cold as fuck! Then I go home to visit and stay in warm California and cry when I have to go back to the fucking harden your nipples cold.

35.Favorite type of fruit pie? Wow, I was just about to put…is banana pie a fruit pie? wow…wait its a cream pie? I don’t know…I like all pies. I don’t think theres a pie I don’t like.

36.Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A veterinarian or to be a member of the USA Women’s Soccer Team

37.Do you believe in ghosts? I do a little bit. I’m not really sure how I feel about it

38.Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? All the time

39.Take a vitamin daily? Yes, my roommate makes me, she says its good for me

40.Wear slippers? Nope

41.Wear a bath robe? After a shower when its cold as shit! And it feels good on my naked body

42.What do you wear to bed? Naked

43.Do you want to get married? That be cool someday

44.Can you curl your tongue? Oh yeah…

Relationship preference: (Oh boy, my favorite part of these things…)

45.How many relationships have you had? hmm Serious relationships? I would say only four. I’ve had a few more in between there and even some that I didn’t count that really effected me but those four meant the most.

46.How can I win your heart? I like food. haha Hmm I’m not sure. Talk to me, cuddle, hang out. I like to go out but I also very much enjoy staying home with a significant other and just watching a movie or read a book or talk about speech! or have sex….LOTS of HOT NASTY SWEATY SEX.
(Lets be real any man could easily win my heart with treating me to some good sex, amazing food and fantastic conversations) BAM I be yours!

47.What makes a great relationship? Trust, chemistry, some good lube and the right safe word

48.Shy OR open? What? ohh your asking what I prefer in someone I like. I don’t care. Both are lovely qualities but not crumpling shy. I’ve dated a guy like that before….oh dear it was bad

50.Religious OR non-religious? Either, I will support whatever my specific other supports as long as they support my faith and my beliefs. I will be there for them and what they believe as long as they are there for me.

51.Caring OR non-restricting of you? What? This is a terrible question

52.Straight edge OR non-straight edge? WHAT? bahahahaha Are we really asking this question? bahahaha

53.Piercings OR no piercings? Like them nipples pierced….oh boy (I don’t actually, I hope you all know that is a joke)

54.Tattoos OR no tattoos? Don’t care. I’ve dated a few guys with them tats

55.Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type? A man who enjoys sex

^That’s really the question this thing wants end on? Ok…

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