Tag Archives: me

No more dating for awhile

I’ve been in this mood since January where I don’t want a relationship.  I even get rather irritated when I even imagine being in one.

I feel rather silly about this because looking through so many of my posts where I crave for someone, where I’m dying to be close to someone and now I’m like ugh I don’t want any of that. Which is sad because I’ve had many offers when it comes to dating and I just don’t want any of it right now.

I like my poetry and myself. Rather stick with just my work for a while. I think I need that and I deserve that. I’ve spent too much of my young adult life caring for another person instead of caring for a craft.

It’s my turn and no one is getting in the way this time.

Geez, I sound rather grumpy and blah.

But I don’ t care, because I’m happy with working alone everyday. Nothing gives me more energy and happiness than what my writing gives me.

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Filed under Dating, poetry, single girl problems, thoughts, venting

Egg Shells

breakfast-badass-makes-eggs-scrambled-and-hard-boiled-without-cracking-shell.w654

 

I’ve continued to have egg cracking throughout various dreams these last few weeks. To the point within my dream last night there were thousands of egg shells all over the floor. I was bare foot and I was crying but I was also so very happy at the same time. I suppose they must have been happy tears.

*Breaking out of my shell*

That’s what I’ve been telling myself I’m doing. I’m breaking out of my shell. Which makes a lot of sense. I’ve been feeling  irritated by certain people around me *men* in particular and the injustice I’ve been not only about how certain men view me as a woman but the other women around has been exhausting.

To realize a dear guy friend of mine has been a core reason for why my poetry has seem to be slipping past my finger tips is a rather very upsetting realization. To not write feminists, to have a smaller voice. The very issues I have been writing about started to become me because I trusted him, my friend and all it got me was tears and the frustration of, “what’s going on?”

I can only hope I’ve gotten back on the right track?

God I’m praying, I know I don’t pray very often but God, Universe, the World I need a big win right now. That would be awesome. Please.

There’s a lot going through my head right now and I did the good feelings to come back.

Today writing they did come back and I’m hoping the feelings are the same again. So I’m going to keep pushing through and hope each day gets better and better.

And even though *breaking out of my shell* has been one of the hardest changes of my life, its one of the happiest most worthwhile experiences and I know I’m going to be a  strong, proud, powerful woman at the end of this all.

I can’t wait to see my poetry and I can’t wait to meet this new woman coming out of her shell.

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Filed under about me, Beautiful, Being a woman, Dreams, good energy, Hope, Life, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Remember where you came from

I suppose this will be my 100th post once I click on the publish button. Not like I’m one to care about certain little milestones (which is both true and a lie) But after I posted my 99th post and whenever I’ve been upset about something or someone and I start thinking about a post I stop myself.  I didn’t want my 100th post to be angry or full of negative energy.

Last year I went through one of the most tragic experiences of my life. Being cheated on by my boyfriend of almost four years was life changing. I not only lost someone I loved very dearly, but I lost my co-worker, my best friend, I lost someone I had grown with and I’ve lost someone that’s still living.

I know what you must be thinking, cheating happens and its rough, sucks ball and never ends well. Then of course you’ll tell me there are far worse events happening around the world. And this is true, but that doesn’t mean this pain I’ve been going through, this loss isn’t real to me. Along with this intense pain I’ve learned I am someone who wears my love on my sleeves, I’m quick to fall for someone and I give all of myself. This does mean I hurt often but I like to think about this section of Andrea Gibson poem, “Royal Hearts.”

Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my separate parts.

  • September 2012 I walked into my first creative writing class [207]
  • October 2012 I began this blog
  • December 2012 I turned in my first set of poems

And January of 2013 I walked into a poetry workshop that was going to change my life forever.

  • April 2013 I got my first poem published
  • September 2013 I toured for the first time
  • October 2013 I performed at my first feature
  • November I helped put together a poetry event

It’s hard to not sit here and cry right now looking at all I’ve accomplished. This is a long time coming for me. Of nights as a little kid crying in my bedroom, looking out the window and asking God, “Please make me like everyone else…I don’t want this disability.”

Here I am. On the track to graduate college, publishing poems, coaching high school students and reading books I use to dream about when I was a little kid in the bookstore.

I am so thankful God never listened to those cries. Even though I’m still rather mad and frustrated about all this sometimes. I’m starting to believe certain things/events happen for a reason and everything comes together at the end of the day to teach you a lesson or throw you into the next moment in life. (But I’m not going to get into that in this post)

I’ve come a long way from that little girl in elementary school sitting at a big round table in the back of dusty library with a popsicle on my tongue to teach my body to sound out the words I must have never been born with.

This is what my 100th post is about, the moments of firsts, the moments I cried and the time I sat down in a chair and found poetry. I’m not sure if I’m gifted or talented even, but I do know I’m happy.

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Filed under about me, Life, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe, Words

10 qualities you’re looking for in a man (bad articles, written by men)

I’m in the works of reading really terrible articles about dating (for my poetry) Decided to actually do one of their stupid ideas because I’m taking a thirty minute break from my writing.

10 qualities you’re looking for in a man:                                                        (that I want to be in a relationship with)

  1. Has a sense of humor (can make me laugh)
  2. Sincerely cares about how I’m doing
  3. Either has similar values as me or is at least accepting of how I view the world, religion, etc.
  4. We can communicate easily, can talk about more than sex. Everything just seems to flow so well and I enjoy someone who will have witty come backs or is playful in communication.
  5. Has something to compliment me on, something that has yet to be said to me.
  6. Will keep an open dialogue with me
  7. Cares enough about me that if things are not working out they will break it off  in person.
  8. Who wants to go out but is also happy with staying in some nights and just watching a good film or reading books, or writing.
  9. Passionate
  10. Someone who will laugh with me

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Filed under about me, Dating

I’m a Wildflower

I’ve been seeing “falling into his arms” for about a month now.

I like him. More then just sex (But I guess my past blog made that very clear)

My biggest fear at the moment? That this is all going to end at some point. Like the guy “the best sex ever” where everything was going so well, I was just all smiles and then he changed his mind, wasn’t feeling it, wanted to explore the world more, see different girls more. I wasn’t the one at all, a good friends by the end of it, but not the one.

Then of course there was Vanilla thrilla; the one I thought would never cheat on me and then he did. It’s this relationship that has changed me; yes for the good, but sometimes good things also come with “the extra” the fear of abandonment, the new trust issues, the new worry of the guy I’m sleeping with is talking to other women more beautiful then me. I know this fear I’m having in the moment is something I shouldn’t be feeling or worried especially  when he has no time to be sleeping with anyone else but me, but still because of Thrilla and because of the other men in my past and of last fall, the men who normally flirt with me are not the best men, haven’t treated me well, not the in the way I should be treated. These past men have caused me to become cautious but Tina is right, I shouldn’t worry. Yet I do.

Because I do like him, I do care about him and seeing him does brighten up my already lovely day and on bad days. He is the positive man in my life. Don’t get me wrong I have positive men in my life, my father is one of them and I do have some fantastic guy friends but men I’ve dated, well that list is well, looking back at the guys I’ve dated in my past none of them treated me the way I should be treated , because at one point each of them have criticized me being too skinny, too heavy, needing to work out, less make up, more make up, dress up too much, dress down too much, was too sexual, not into sex enough, some cheated on me, some promised me they wanted me around, changed their minds and left without really letting me know. Each of these guys were more focused on what they wanted then loving me, caring about me just being myself.

I don’t feel this way anymore and to be honest that has a lot to do with me. I won’t let anyone make me feel that, I’m too strong now, now who I am now. I am and have always been a wildflower.

A flower of an uncultivated variety or a flower growing freely without human intervention.

I am fearful at moments he will walk away, he will leave me here alone. But thats a risk i’m very ok with making because he makes me smile and if he walks away then thats ok, because I’m strong enough now, I’ve always been strong enough. And the loss is his if he walks away. Plus I must remember he is must certainly not like any of the guys I have dated in the past, he is unconditionally kind.

 I’m not going anywhere, I’m enjoying the ride. I may have these “fears” but I must just continue to remind myself that fear is what makes me feel alive and is the reason I write. Like I just said, I’m a wildflower blowing in the wind of chance.

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Filed under Dating, Life, Struggles, thoughts, trust

This is Me, This is who I was born to become, I have always Become

I know there are no pictures of me up on my site and that is for privacy reason of planning of becoming a teacher and well lets be honest due to some of my subject matter its best if I keep my identity Anonymous on my blog. But I thought I would post a picture of my hair with snow flakes on it and add a little about me here, just for fun and to a new month, a new start and beginning.

Snow flake hair

  1. The first thing I did this morning was: Have sex
  2. My strength is: Myself, who i am
  3. My weakness is: I care too much about what people think about me
  4. Favorite Quotes: Hard to pick just one but I have the Resilience Gene, and that’s the gene that I hope will define me and everything I do for the rest of my life-Amy Cohen
  5. This weekend I’m going to: Drink, write, have a good time
  6. A TV character I’d most compare myself to is: Liz Lemon
  7. The most important quality in a potential mate is: Has a passion
  8. My guilty snack pleasure is: Oeros
  9. My first kiss was: by a fountain in California in my hometown
  10. Someone who always makes me laugh is: My brother
  11. I’m annoyed by: elitist people
  12. The last books I read was: I am Legend
  13. Favorite word: universe
  14. I cannot start my day without: writing
  15. My idol is: my books, authors, writers, poets, language
  16. If I was stuck on a deserted island, the one person I’d bring is: My best friend Valerie
  17. Favorite Band?: The Beatles
  18. Wish three wishes I’d ask for are: become a published writer, work at my dream job, and have a happy fulfilled life
  19. One word to describe me is: Resilience
  20. A surprising fact about me is: I have authority processing disorder

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Filed under about me, for fun, Life

Falling Stars (My Poetry)

Falling Stars

Let my lovers energy move me, let it throw me off my feet and catch me in midair

twirling me up, around, tying me into a big pretty sapphire bow.

Then, touch my face with honeysuckle rose smiles.

Kiss me gently on the cheek.

Oh lover,

pray for me to sway closer with your breath,

whispering secrets of this big bang universe, through cellar door ears and out my Efflorescence soul.

As we, love struck lovers watch the falling stars jump through the sky

skipping from galaxy to galaxy

they don’t know where they’re going

but they just keep moving on.

Falling down towards the center of the earth

Why do they fall?

Stars whisper back through the galaxies kiss.

“We fall so others can take our place, we die, so others can live.”

Touch my shoulders with finger tips and brush up against my face, lover

I would die a thousand deaths for you

kissing softly the forest floor, smelling fresh pine on your breathe.

What should I say? sweet lover asks my butterfly catching eyes

I smile and whisper, Tell me I’m pretty, no

tell me, I’m beyond the measure of the word “beauty”,

tell me you see how jealous the stars can be and that’s why they shine so bright, trying to out shine my glow.

Tell me my hips move with the willow trees, and my hands touch your face like the cool air catching onto your aching breath.

But like the breath, you lover, you slipped through my fingers,

Stars faded.

Time rolls away,

I waited

even though the air felt strange, and the seasons change,

I wasn’t ready for change.

You lover, you once told me no one in the universe is more beautiful than me.

It took me years after to understand that this too was a lie

only words of worship

with a message that was interwoven through the strings of a dream catcher

that now twirls over my restless pillow head.

I close my eyes, pray for better days to come, praying for the tears to whisper off my face

throwing my head back, shooting my glances towards the stars and yell out

“why?”

Why did you think it was fair to love me so deep into silicon veins, feed off heart beats, brushing up against my heart cheeks taking a part of my love away from me?

Stars whisper back, “some times we fall, so others can live.”

“But here is another secret,” they whisper to me,

a whisper hushed like wings of a humming bird in mid air, almost without sound, they speak

“just because you fall, just because you die so others can live, doesn’t mean you’re not alive”

you live in a world more beautiful than reality my sweet angel.

Stars Crescendo through the sky, voices deep, God like, speaking clear,

you my earth angel, you love more than a man can contain in a single glass jar, you kiss with a thousand heart beats and cry like the flashing flood God brought down upon earth.

Don’t be sad to fall down, you fall down to get back up.

You have hope!

Why else would people wish on falling stars, they see us as hope, not as heart break.

People wish on you now too

they wish for you to have a better life than the one before.

Original

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Filed under Beautiful, Life, Love, my writing, poetry