Stress

 

Stress has become a huge player in my everyday life. My mother has always been a very stressed out person and I’m sure I’ve developed some of that stress from growing up around her.

Along with this stress is the terrible pain of my back and neck that has been playing out and its terrible. The amount of medicine I have taken and icy hot on my back has become never-ending and almost placing no effect on making me feel better. My back and neck pain makes everything exhausting and painful. It’s really slowed me down the past few weeks and I’m struggling to keep up.

Friends have become stressful. I love them to pieces but keeping up with everyone’s needs has killed me and stressed me out.

Poetry is always stressful, but I suppose of all the stresses I’m happy and try not to complain about the stresses of writing. More I’m sad my time with my professors is almost over. Of course I have moments of clarity, moments of immense doubt in myself and moments I just want a glass of wine.

But I’m worried because I feel like I’m close to a breaking point, like I’m going to just start crying and freak out. (Great Crazy Sally) I’m trying to prevent this from happening but I’m worried.

Dating stresses me out, more upset at the past, memories I’m ashamed of and the idea that I may never find someone I want to be with. There are plenty that would want to spend their time with me and I’m grateful and flattered but I’m not sure I want any of them. And the more i watch friends find someone and have someone and then the ideas of family members will die, my parents one day will be gone and it will be just me. It really puts everything into perspective the whole meaning behind lovely yourself, because everyday it really is just you. Yes you have friends, family, co-workers and peers but (ok this sounds morbid) but they’re going to die (you’re going to die) or you’ll lose touch with people, realize you no longer work. So its morbid weird thing I’ve been thinking about. Really understanding what loving yourself means.

I think this is where loneliness comes from.

When you have no one. I think this is why many pair off into mates, because it’s no fun feeling lonely and there’s the added plus of kids and passing on a bit of yourself.

Each night I fall asleep and whisper, “I am in love with myself.”

Each day I become more unsure if I ever will find someone who will match up with me, or if I will ever want to match up with someone. For all I know I do with so many but have turned them away because of this gut sick feeling I have towards dating right now. I almost feel sick and don’t want anymore to touch me. To be honest I’m a bit worried what this all means. I hope some of it comes from strength.

I’m pushing the hot showers, the chocolate, watching TV shows, getting more normal sleep than I normally get, like for example its 1:30am and after I post this I’m going to pass out and wake up at 9am. Normally I don’t fall asleep until 3am. I think the sleep and candy is keeping the break down at bay. I’m worried the neck pain is going to push the break down out in the open.

Just need to continue the deep breathing and wine.

And food…lots of food.

Also masturbating here and there. Like I shit you not I was in the middle of writing a paper, got horny, masturbated and then went back to writing.

This is my Life.

Dark Horse

I’ve been having sex since I was a junior in high school (my first time) I think I was 17 years old and I may have been one of the last of my friends to get my period in middle school but I was the first of the group to lose my virginity. Not surprised at all. I was always the more sexual one of the group. The crazy, freaky, fast paced friend who never really slowed down.

It’s been five months since I’ve had sex. This is the longest I have gone without sex since my first time. Between 17 and 24 I was either in a long-term relationship or having a good old-time with groups of different guys. Of course there were moment of dry spells. Little ones though, like four months.

This dry spell has no end in sight. I’m not worried or upset. It’s more of my ongoing joke and something I enjoy talking about.

But don’t you hate it when you tell people you’re going through a dry spell and they try to out do you and tell you they spent even longer not having sex. Like you say, “Oh, its been six months now.” And then someones shots, “oh I went two years.”

What do you want? A slow hand clap? A gold star? Sex from me?

Don’t you also hate those people with statements: Oh, I don’t need sex.I’m asexual. Ha! I think it’s almost insulting to those of us that can admit sexual desires play an integral role in our daily lives. It’s like when you were a little kid playing sports and you cry after getting hit by a basketball and your friend would laugh and shout, “ha I never cry, because I’m tough.”

And you’re like, “um that’s not healthy.” Actually emotionally damaging.”

Also they always seem like they are looking down upon you and you need to get your act together. Ugh I dislike this. Especially from those who don’t even masturbate. These are healthy needs, like wanting pie or smoothies.

Masturbating: Don’t you hate it when you masturbate to a certain song a few times so after that its hard to listen to it in public. I masturbated to Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse” one too many times. Now I live in fear that if it comes on the radio…I may come too…

 

Is losing a friendship worst then losing a relationship?

After my meeting this morning I had some spare time before my one Friday class this and  I could have slept a little bit, worked on a handout but clearly I went with option “C.” Which was to watch the new episode online of Grey’s Anatomy. Yes, I watch Grey’s Anatomy. It’s my guilty pleasure! (Along with  laundry list of other shit)

 Give yourself a moment to let that sink in and move on!

Now the last few episodes have continuing this side event about how Cristina and Meredith who have been best friends and each others “person” for years now, but due to a major rift their friendship has crumbled to pieces within minutes before our eyes, of course this is the magic of film/TV shows.

I know what you must be thinking to yourself, “Sally I don’t watch this show?why does this matter?” Well, it got me thinking about the drifting friendship between Tina and I.  I haven’t mention it much on here but I’m going through a similar situation.

We live five steps from each other and yet the most I’ve said to her this week was, “hey.”

I guess it all began in September, “the month of miscommunication” and “people not confronting enough.” Tina got a boyfriend and within a blink of an eye she was with him and I connceted at the hip with him.  It seemed ok at first. Still  I Valerie and I were worried. We knew Tina was looking for ” the relationship.” The one that’s going to last a long time and thats going to give her the love and treatment she deserves.

I’m not sure when everything happened. When we stopped really speaking to each other and she became a stranger in our house. I guess Tina got busy with work, which is understandable. Then she stopped hanging out with us downstairs, stopped texting us, stopped trying to make an effort.

Then came a series of issues:

• Smelling smoke up stairs that was so strong, I could smell it with my door close. Then we confronted her about the smell that night. She blocked the view from her room and told us it was nothing. To the next day telling us it was just her candles. (We all know what candles smell like and what someone smoking smells like) Then she told us he had just came in from smoking. (We have all dated a smoker and no one man (unless you are Joe Camel) is going to stink up the whole second floor bedrooms and the attic bedroom.
• She struggles confronting people. Which is fine because I struggle with this same problem, but I also know that sometimes you have to confront and talk about awkward situations. This is something I think she has yet to figure out. Because she has lost of a few good friends because of this.
• She just stop speaking to my roommate Valerie, because she was scared to talk to her.
• She just sits in her room now, sleeping or watching TV. We never see her, just when she leaves, comes home, lets her boyfriend in or picks up food.
• She doesn’t help with cleaning the house
• She’s made series of two jokes to me I wasn’t to happy about.
  • The first one being: when my other roommate was giving away condoms she didn’t need (she bought some for a joke thing but doesn’t have sex…blah blah any ways) Tina Found out I got some and she didn’t and she say’s to me, “You don’t need and haven’t had sex in months! Why should you have them, some of us are actually having sex.”

This one bugged me, because she knows why I’m not having sex. She’s seen me cry and become heart-broken. Especially giving someone so much of myself so fast and then they just bail on me. Plus I don’t think I have ever made her feel bad for not having sex. (Plus I have never once pointed out I probably had more sex last year in one month then she’s ever had in her life at this point.) So lets not start getting caddy with statements such as those. No need to pull out our vagina’s and see which one is bigger….ok that could mean so many things.

• The night after my poetry feature I went out with a bunch of people and this one guy, that I’ve hooked up with before bought me a drink. He’s a very nice guy, chill and nothing happen at all that night. Then that weekend when Tina and all of us were walking she made a comment that basically stated she thought he may have stayed the night last night.

This one was a problem mainly because this hook-up and I never talk about our hook-ups. It’s like a good hook-up should be, “no connection.” I feel nothing more than sex and he feels the same and I would like it to stay that way. That includes it not being awkward or talking about it, but Tina decided to be snarky one day and bring it up. Even though we didn’t even hook-up that week and hadn’t since May!

• Then came the loud sex noises during all hours of the night. Look I’m all for sex and I’m all for being loud. I mean I can get loud, but not every week all the time moaning. Plus Valerie doesn’t let me perform my poetry loud past 11pm and that’s love-making in its own right, so if I can’t be loud performing poetry downstairs, then to hell is anyone going to be having loud sex!
• They also talk really loud. Especially  “him” he’s a loud talker. I dislike loud talkers when I’m trying to sleep or work on a paper.
• Also I just don’t trust him. He was weird from the start and acted off and he’s kind of big on “Merica.” (Ugh that makes my lady parts swirl around.)
• Last week she left her tea-cup out, well my tea-cup but she used it for tea and never washed it and left the tea bags in it. Then she went out-of-town and a week later I’m like, “Shit I’ll wash it, like I’ve done with so many dishes.”

(Ok, now I’m just being bitchy and pissed)

Now past all this anger, these pissed off feelings and mumbling under my breath, I really miss my best friend. I miss her even more knowing she’s probably not coming back and our friendship is over so quickly.

I’ve never been one of those girls who has ever planned out her wedding, never thought of a dress or color scheme, but I have always thought about the people I would want there and the ones I want next me on a day that’s so important to me. To lose a friendship where you imaged her there with you on that day, standing near you and celebrating with you, well it’s hard.

What’s even harder is to here about her shitty relationship. I’m sorry Tina, I know you can go on this blog and you may read this, even if you think about checking this blog anymore any ways. But I’ve heard you guys have broken up three times already. I’ve seen you walk around crying and like I’ve said Sam is loud and I can hear you guys talking as I’m sitting on my bed with the bed closed. He’s an asshole and a shitty relationship. I wish we hadn’t lost our friendship, because maybe you wouldn’t be with him if you had the support system you need.

I hope you read this. It’s the least I can do for you, is give you a wake up call and get the fuck out of dating someone you have only been dating for about two months and yet you guys have already broken up.

You’re losing your friends. I don’t just mean your house friendships. People talk, a lot of them talk and a lot of them feel the same way as I do. You have disappeared and left us all for a guy. You cut everyone off for a good time and I hope it’s worth it in the end. I hope one day you realize the choices you made.

I miss you.

My guilty pleasures of the week:

My guilty pleasures of the week:

• Pizza
• Wine
• Watching The Bachelor and eating popcorn at the same time.
• Listening to Pitbull as I write. This has become my number one new favorite thing that I need in my life. Pitbull+writing poetry=life.
• Listening to Missy Elliot (not really guilty but my poems get sexual and my friends said they need a break)

Yesterday my friends Valerie, Cassidy and my roommates were making fun of me due to the fact that I go through phases where I create sayings for myself. Last fall my big saying was, “I need this in my life.”

Now I apparently have been saying, “It’s been a week” and “I’m having a day.”

Spring Break Rolls On

The top five songs I’ve been listening to this week as I write:

1. California by Chris Pureka
2. Sloppy Seconds by Watsky
3. Ay Chico (Lengua Afuera) by Pitbull
4. Blackbird by Paul McCartney
5. Can’t Hold Us by Macklemore

Weird addictions of the week:

1. Needing to use my Coca-Cola chap stick everywhere I go, my lips have been so dry.

Spring break is almost over and it’s been interesting to say the least. Spent time with my wonderful best friends, finally got some sleep and I’ve had some of the most vivid dreams ever. I’m not going to go on and on about them or the really intense one I had on Sunday because I hear that people get annoyed at those of us who talk about are dreams, so I’ll simply say these dreams have connected myself spiritually to my mind, my body, and the energy I love to fill up on. These dreams were much needed.

The Guy I’m short of seeing is out of town this week, he’s in Miami, FL working with Habitat for Humanity . So we haven’t had sex since he left on Saturday, which means my friend Tina made brownies last night and stated “Your sex deprived, you need desserts and cats!” Thanks Tina. Actually I’m quite find without the sex, ok kind of but I’ve gone four months before without sex so I’m quite capable of a week thank you very much. I’m more worried that once he’s back everything is going to change and he will want to move on from me. We spoke about where this is going and he said, “I don’t know yet.” Which to me is a serious red flag of someone who could bail on me but that’s a risk I’m going to take because I do enjoy his company and he is fun and very sweet to me; something I haven’t expected in my past relationships.

I’m having headaches and back pain this week. Nothing that has ruined my week but pain thats always there and a reminder of reality. I don’t know why I’m having headaches. Ok I’ve been very tense this week due to work situations. Let me state here to anyone reading this blog and a reminder to myself in the moments of doubt. I love my job, my job is part of my identity, when I’m working at my job you can see the best qualities about me and my greatest strength. But right now I’ve lost a part of care for my job. People can make you feel that way. I don’t care as much anymore and I’m tried of how I’ve been treated these past few months from co-workers and what hurts I’m starting to realize this co-worker doesn’t care about me as a person, or a worker for that matter. Hasn’t tried to get in contact with me. I was kind of waiting for my co-worker to. But what can you do, because people make decisions and this was my co-workers decision. Now I have to start re-thinking what I want for me. Something I honestly don’t do enough. To be honest the main reason I don’t is because I know what I want is going to hurt my heart a bit because I’m going to give up certain aspects of my job and umm now thinking about it on another note as I sit here and think I may have to give up some other aspects of my life as well. This is the part of life that gets hard but I like to think of what my mentor always says,

“We do what we have to do to do what we want to do”

Onto another topic I think I’m going to have a talk with Thrilla my wonderful the “cheating ex #2” For readers of my blog I don’t think I’ve ever written about this but I do still speak to Thrilla on the occasion. We actually have to lunch a few times. This doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t really feel anything around him, because I’ve moved on from him. (Before we even broke up) But it’s hard to let go of someone that was as been in your life for four years and you basically grew up with, in college, work and friendship. Plus I still see a bit of the “old him” the person he use to be. I understand that person is no longer really their but I still see the moments of the “old him.” But he has been asking me to help him pick out a motorcycle because he trusts me with the knowledge I have for them but that means helping him by driving him to the bike, teaching him how to ride it and bring it back into town. Too much for me; I’m not at the point in this “friendship” to be helping him out with that. So it looks like I’m going to have to tell him. I still hurt sometimes and what happened in August is still something I struggle with at moments

Spring break is just about over. Soon I will see the guy “falling into his arms” and see if that is moving onto more moments of bliss or time to move on. Soon I will speak to my boss about what has been going on with me. Soon I will be back in my poetry workshop classes. Thank goodness for my classes, I miss them and I need them to breath again.

But regardless of some stresses I’m doing very well and I may have outward personal stress about work, relationships and past ones. My inside, my spirit is feeling rested and wonderful. Thank goodness for that.

Thank you universe for centering my spirit.

Fallin’ into his arms (literally)

A month ago this past Saturday a lot happened within one weekend, experiences and events that have altered my everyday routine and have shifted my life is the most positive of ways.

     First, on a sad note, my good friends grandfather passed way within this weekend. He was a very wonderful man and a gift to this world. He also reminded me a lot of my grandfather, he spoke his mind like him, was kind like him and was very well loved like him. It’s very sad to watch someone pass on and to watch their love ones learn to live without them physically being around but regardless of what religion you believe in, you just gonna hope their in a better place and wonderful people like that, you feel and know they are really in a wonderful place.

     Second, my best friend Valerie and my other best friend Cassidy who happens to be her girlfriend had broke up on this Saturday. Now they are back together again, after figuring out what needed to change and I do love them together and only wish for the best. But this break-up really shifted the night I thought I was going to have.

The Saturday Night Story

     Saturday afternoon Valerie broke with Cassidy, who happens to be another one of my close friends. This would shift the whole night for me. You see Valerie would come over to my place that afternoon and stay there for the whole weekend. Valerie was also planning on going out with Tina and I that night but because of her break-up she opted out of the night of drinking and dancing. And looking back on that night, I think that if Valerie had gone I wouldn’t have ended up dancing with “him.” Like I just said, Valerie didn’t go out that night with us but we met up with Tina’s co-workers at this bar in downtown. We drank, a lot, danced a lot. Tina and I that night came up with giving each other thumbs up and thumbs down when a guy tried to dance with us and we would tell each other if we thought they were cute. Quite a few thumbs down were playing out through the night. At one point Tina’s friend Nessie was trying to set her up with this very cute guy who we will call Ester; and then thats when “he” walked on the dance floor, as of now I can’t think of the name to call him on my blog so for now we will call him, “The one I fell for.” Any ways he was walking out to the dance floor, I don’t remember much, Tina told me he seemed to want to dance with me but I thought he was passing through so I moved out of his way. I danced next to Tina, she grabbed me and said, “What are you doing, that guy wanted to dance with you. I said, “Oh my god, really? Is he cute?” “Yes, he is,” Tina yelled back.

    In that moment the universe took hold, or maybe Tina took hold of me and pushed me into him. She really pushed me, like so hard he had to catch me before I fell. Then we started dancing, then dancing led to making out, a lot of dancing and then a lot of stopping dancing and making out on the dance floor. Then the making out lead to him asking me back to his place. This lead to me saying, “Yes.” After going up to the bar for one more quick drink, learning his name thanks to the help of his friends near by and also thanks to reading his name on his debit card he pulled out to paid for the drinks. After a vegas bomb, we took a cab to his place and  went up to his bedroom, laid out on his bed and started making out. Thats when I had to tell him, tell him, “I’m on my period.” Shit! We laughed a bit, made out some more, and started talking, him telling me his life story really. Me, telling him my life story. Him going crazy happy with the fact I was from California, that I loved AC/DC too and that I had done sports. We talked for hours, made out for hours. Him, telling me over and over again how beautiful I was, how gorgeous I was, how sexy, how beautiful my blue eyes are. Words, things I never heard enough of with my other ex’s. Words I always wanted to hear from a man. And after this night, after being pushed into him, we have been “seeing” each other since. We basically have sex everyday, twice a day. We talk constantly, he had met my friends, my friends love him, I’ve met his friends, they are amazing. He is amazing, he is what I have been looking for. I’m not sure where this will end up, but I’m trying not think about that, i’m just enjoying him, enjoying his smell, his wonderful smile and his sweet words.

Last night he said to me, “I am so happy Tina pushed you into me.”

I’m happy too.