Tag Archives: pain

It hurts to move my jaw….how will I give blow jobs now? AHHHH!

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Tonight while I was trying to enjoy my soup and pizza Valerie made I noticed my jaw started to really hurt when I tried to open my mouth really wide. After awhile I started to notice my side of my jaw was really hurting. This really sucks. I’ve had years of jaw pain. It’s never as bad as this feels in the moment. Now I will admit after years of blow jobs I’ve noticed more and more the pain I experience from giving them can be very bad, especially when a blow job takes centuries.

Which is also unfortunate because I enjoy giving blow jobs and I’m well aware that I’m good a giving blow jobs.

Also I love food. I love to chew food.

This jaw pain is killing me…

Lets hope I don’t have to go see a doctor. That’s all I need more mouth surgery. Plus what would I say? “Hey doc. can you patch me up so I can get back to what I do best?” Or “yeah I know doctor…I’ve given too many blow jobs. I’ll stop to save the jaw. Can I get a doctor’s note?”

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Filed under about me, Dating, FOOD, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, universe, WTF?

The dick

This weekend was a reminder of past pain that I though I was almost over with. But triggers have a way of going off and within seconds your laying on a crying in tears struggling to breathe about all the pain you’ve endeared. I always think about the quote by Joan Didion.

“I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with everything we lose.” 

Last night all the way till noon today I spoke to a guy I was starting to really like. Lets call him “the dick.” Not because his penis was large or anything, he just ended up being a dick.

I found out he not only has a girlfriend but I’m pretty sure they have been together for years now. He came over, we talked for a long time about everything throughout our lives. I guess we didn’t want to focus on the real issue at hand.

Which we eventually ended up on, which of course ends exactly how anyone would expect it to. He loves his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to give up on that. Yes, he does really like me. But let’s be honest whenever does someone really leave their relationship for a “like.” Ok, maybe my ex did that. But most guys aren’t going to leave their girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is also his fiancé.

It was terrible this morning. Absolutely an awful morning. I will never see him again. I mean of course I’ll probably run into him downtown here and there. Which will be awful and of course Valerie will murder him each time she runs into him.

I cried, slept for three hours, eat some food. And I’m feeling much better. It amazing how easily I can move on more and more now. Will I break down a few more times? Yeah, I probably will. Will this fill up another piece of baggage for me. Of course.

But later today everything seemed to changed. The universe of something is looking out for me because everything shifted to a much better day. A bunch of people I haven’t spoken to in a while spoke to me. A few will be in town next week and I cannot wait to be back home for a little bit and enjoy friends and family. I’m so so thankful that something is watching out for in the world. I have never felt more safe and so full of comfort.

Thank you

It gives me hope.

 
Now “the dick” is just distant memory of how terrible men can be and the test that I made sure that I never do what was done to me. I could have continued on with fooling around with him, but that’s not ok. I told him he should tell her too. To be honest I don’t think he will. I don’t think that’s ok. He will be another lesson, another pain and another reminder that I do deserve better and i will find someone who is going to be so lucky to have something like me in their life and I’m going to be so lucky to have a man someday in my life who is going to give me all the love and care I deserve. 
 

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Hope, Life, single girl problems, thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

Forgiveness

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines forgiveness as:

transitive verb
1
a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for –forgivean insult-

 b : to grant relief from payment of –forgive a debt-
 2
: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardonforgive one’s enemies-
A Little over a year ago I had one of the worst experiences of my young adult life.
Standing in the middle of my boyfriend of the time bedroom, holding a beautiful silky pearl under shirt my whole world came crashing down around. Every red flags, every fight, every fear hit me like a bullet to the heart. I couldn’t breath, couldn’t stand, couldn’t believe that someone I had been dating for four years of my life could cheat on me. But these are the facts, these are the moments that will forever be a scar on my heart and these moments have become haunting,the worst of my nightmares since the beginning of last August. From finding letters, emails, finding out my car was taken to visit this other women, who was not only someone I had met before but a friend of my best friend.

Then two weeks ago I found out not only were they seeing each other over the summer I was home working my job but when i was heading back, both of them came to California, she met his family, friends and where he grew up, all the while with the understanding we were still together.

Last year has been nothing but a struggle for me. A struggle to date, to trust again, to love again and a struggle to forgive those who have broken my heart. Yes I did forgive Thrilla. We became close friends and I really had to convince my friends again that this person may have not been the best boyfriend at the end of our relationship but he was going to be a good friend, he was going to make it up to me. So there was forgiveness.

This has all come crashing down around me yet again as I bring up deep dark issues that haven’t been spoken about since last year. Not only has my ex not learned to accept what he did was not ok, was not right. He blames me for the loss of his job.

I have become the one to blame, the one that changed his life forever.

I want to make a few points clear:

My life has forever been changed. Not only has trusting men become near impossible but scares me half to death. Not only have been jumping in and out of bed with men that I have no feelings for, I have made one night stands my drug, my band-aid, my way to fill the huge gap in my heart, in hopes for brief moments I will forget the emails I read, forget the “I love you” they wrote back and forth to each other, and I hope having another man on top of me will help me forget that she sat inside my car as they kissed, held hands and fell in love.

I not only lost my boyfriend of four years, but my best friend and my co-worker.

So yes Thrilla, your life has forever been changed, you have lost so much. But YOU made that decision, I did not decide to kiss her, fuck her, to love her. That was you, those were your moments. Your life has changed because of you, her life has changed because of you and because of her own decisions. And my life has changed because of both of you.

A year ago I decided to forgive, to do something I have never heard anyone else do. I became friends with my cheating ex. I welcomed her into my house and I listened to how much you loved her with no resentment. This is the kind of person I am. I forgive; perhaps too much but this is who I am.

Today though, today has shown me that maybe forgiveness was a mistake, was a silly idea on my behalf. Not only did Thrilla discount what happened a year ago, he saw nothing wrong with his actions and then continue to point out he can’t keep saying sorry for something he did a year ago.

Look a year is nothing, a year is a blink of the eyes. 

It seems as if I have become a victim needing to get over my problems, my sadness and a woman who still clings on to events.

This is not the case, this is anything but the case. I have moved on, I am very happy and I have a much better life then I did during this relationship, but that does not mean scars still do not bleed or hurt once and awhile.

So no Thrilla, this does not give you the right to yell at me (especially when i was not yelling at you) does not give you the right to cuss me out, to kick me out of your house, to flip me off and then continue to text me afterwards. You have no right to ever raise your voice to, not only because I am a women but because I am a human being. I deserve respect, class and a man (friend or more than friend) who will never raise their voice at me.

I promised myself a year ago that you would hurt me again, this promise was broken today. You confirmed everything I ever feared. That you still get it, you don’t see the magnitude of what you have done.

Still I will forgive you, I will let go of the pain bit by bit each morning and I will move on from of this. Someday I will be in love with someone who will forever hold my heart in the right place and someone will love me for each wrinkle of my smile and each tear I shed for those who have done wrong to me.

I am not just a strong woman, but a good PERSON. I am compassionate, I am caring and I give all of myself to love.

I will move on, I will heal, I will forgive still.

I do not know if I can still say the same for you. I do not know if you can move on. Forgive me, for something I should never say sorry for.

I did nothing….I was the victim of a failing relationship that should have ended much sooner. I was a victim of a man who did not have the courage to treat me like an equal person and break it off with me.

Tonight I will forgive myself first, I will wash my salty face and I will sleep with good dreams in mind.

I know the rest will follow.

“True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.”
― Oprah Winfrey

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