Maybe I’ll blame the Moon

There must have been a full moon last week, because everything seemed to happen all at once, my past decided to catch up with the present and smack me into a different future then I intended. It’s almost impossible to go everything that happened to me last week, so I will do my best to go chronically day by day. (hopefully this will clear my mind)

Sunday Morning 9/1/13

I called out, “The one that just wants to be a fuck buddy.” Found out from a source that I wasn’t invited to a party because he didn’t want me there. I was furious to say the least. Here is a guy, who not only has just tried to get into my pants, talk about my body parts in a derogatory way, but a guy who is also still seeing is ex and I hear they are planning to move in together. Which leads him to decide to tell friends not to invite me to parties because he doesn’t want to run into me. So I sent him a lovely message, albeit I was a little drunk when I sent it, which I tend to avoid but in these matters I was fend up. This message lends to him trying to play dumb, which lend to him realizing I knew a lot and wasn’t going to back down, which lead to him profusely apologizing to me and trying to make peace with me. So at least now he won’t stop me from seeing the people I care about. (Asshole)

Sunday night 9/1/13

My ex, the one that turned out to be an asshole text me. *Background story* Ran into at a bar downtown, he tried to say to me and my roommate…it was awkward to say the least. Then I get a text message from him, decided to text back which leads to a series of I’m so sorry, It didn’t hit me what I did to you until I saw you at the bar, told me he knows he’s an ass for just bailing on me, just leaving me there, doesn’t know why he did it and many more “I’m sorry” after an already fifty text out. Now I was going to meet up with him, because let’s be honest, an up front apologize means much more, but this has yet to happen. Until then…

Tuesday Early Morning 1am 9/3/13

A new guy enters into the already long list of “confusing me.” I think I’m going to call him, “The one that has a thing for red hair,” because he’s mentioned my hair to me numerous times. He finally moved closer, we have been speaking to each other on and off for sometime now and I decided to be spontaneous for once and drive all the way to this other city, umm about 40 minute drive to lay on an abandoned road between soy beans and corn and make out and other various things. He also happens to be the first guy I’ve done stuff with that is “waiting till marriage” that was new for me. I’m very attracted to him, nice personality. It’s just this encounter left me unsure of what he wants from me.

Wednesday 9/4/13

Met with my professor about my chapbook. He really loved it, told me a few things to fix up with the order of things  but he could tell I’ve been working all summer on my poetry. Glad to be back working with my professors on my work and have them pushing me to submit my work.

Side note: It’s amazing how far I’ve come, it hasn’t been a year yet since I started writing and look how far I have come?! It’s exciting and I know I have so much growing to do still!

Thursday Early Morning 2am 9/5/13

Met with, “The one that’s got a thing for red hair.” Yes that’s right, I drove all the way to see him and to lay in the same field again. It was wonderful to lay with someone, outside, in a location that was clearly trespassing. definitely did “stuff” but left this encounter feeling even more unsure of him and I have that deep feeling inside of me again, that feeling that speaks, “he’s just using you for your body and to get pleasure…there is nothing more there.” I believe this to be true. I’m very disappointed because I thought he would be different.

Friday 9/6/13

Besides the guy problem, I’ve been getting into little fights with my best friend, nothing huge. I think we are both just very emotional and stressed about a lot of things. Plus I haven’t told her the main thing that has been wrapping my stomach into notches on a bedpost…I’m feeling very lonely. I miss having someone, a man to lay in bed with, to wrap his arms around me and snuggle with me. This definitely is a stress I haven’t admitted to anyone. Went to a party, saw The one that turned out to be an asshole,” ended the night with crying in my bedroom, writing and trying to make sense of everything.

Saturday 9/7/13

This was the day the universe decided to give me a giant bear hug, kiss my forehead while saying, “Everything’s going to be ok.” This came in the form of the fact that my roommate need to drive over to this one random shop across town, almost didn’t want to go but I did any how, so it definitely became one of those moments where the universe wants you to be in a certain location at a certain time. There was a car show going on, so that kept my roommate and I there a little longer. As we were walking I was the first to look up at the sky, why? I’m not sure, had a feeling I suppose but I looked up and I saw this:

This was the moment I realize that universe was trying to comfort me. Now I could be wrong and just being a crazy person searching for hope in the clouds but this is what i want to believe, because I saw it first and I felt something different then what I normally do when gazing up at a beautiful sky.

This became a hope, a reminder that everything is going to be ok. I will find love, I will be happy someday and this too shall pass. Of course the cheesiest of the thoughts, don’t forget to remember there is beauty in the rain and like what I teach my high school students, even a flower needs rainy days.

I don’t know if there was a full moon this last week or not that caused everything and everyone in my life to burst onto the scene and build a never-ending emotional battle with myself but one thing I do know for sure…the sky that Saturday blue were the same color as my eyes and the pinks intertwined with hues of my red hair.

Song I’ve fallen in love with: Departure and Farewell by Hem 

I have your clothes.

Dear The one that turned out to be an ASSHOLE,

I have a shit ton of your clothes. But now I don’t feel bad at all, because one I hear you do have a new girl. Which is all fine and flowers, but shit dude pull your balls out of your ass and tell me to my face that you want to see other people. Especially after we had two different talks about exclusively not sleeping with other people.

I’m a woman, a beautiful, talented, caring woman who deserve a man to tell her when he wants to end things.

But instead I dated a boy and he bailed on me all together. I’ve never once had someone just stop talking to me out of the blue. Have some class and let a woman know.

I have your clothes and I can’t wait to cut them into outfits that will fit me. You had no respect for me at the end of the day so why should I care about you getting all your shit back to you. Especially when you’re so chicken shit to talk to me you are willing to let go of these clothes so you don’t have to talk to me.

Wow, sad.

Thanks for the new stuff dude. And thanks for the condoms, they’ve come in handy.

Shocked

Its over, whatever you just call what I did with “asshole” for almost three months; its over. Now here comes the tricky part, what happened? Why? There is no answer and looks like there never will be. Which is disappointing to say the least, because I really thought this guy was one of the good ones.

Sitting here shocked like walking away from a car accident that no one understands. I walk away with only a few marks, a few scars but more filled with confusion, shocked and sad to lose someone I was hoping would become a close friend even if things never worked out for us.

I’ve deeply disappointed in him and not sure what I will do when I run into, or what he will do if he runs into me.

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn’t coma back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I’ve been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head.”
― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

 

So much for not feeling like a hook-up. So much for him saying I was more then sex.