Tag Archives: relantionships

Said no single person ever.

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At least once a day I stumble across a Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog or miscellaneous post about being single. Weather it’s be funny or inspirational the post tends to dance among the seams of the world of singledom and how us single people feel.

Even though many of little anecdote of singlehood do have truth to them I find many of them rather incorrect and only reminding me that I am single and there for this must be a problem. Especially as I begin to come across the posts about, “whats holding you back from marriage” or “23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23.” It’s like when Beyoncé sang, “Single Ladies.”

Thanks happily married lady for tricking us single people into thinking, “fuck yeah gurl!” When in reality she goes home to a husband and child each night. And we stay out dancing (falling over if you’re me) and acting like each of us falls under the same category when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

In an era of mass communication involving the internet I think we’ve forgotten the needs, requirements, views of each other are just as different as each person on this planet. I know this must sound rather redundant, but it reminds me of the book, He’s just not into you and the underlining message I took away from it. Both men and women need to stop looking at others relationships, non relationship, or dating style and think that’s how it’s going to work out for us. Because we are all such different people and no cosmopolitan tips to flirt or your best friend telling you how her boyfriend cheating and then coming back to her and now there married and happy, that doesn’t happen for everyone.

Dating and love is not like meat temperatures, there’s no set rules on how to…cook me. (Ok I was trying to be clever) Fail. But that’s my point I’ve finally come to terms with today when I met this guy for coffee. Instead of reading the post from Cosmo titled, First Date Tips…From Guys. 

For once in my life I took a deep breath, wasn’t buzzed and just talked. It was rather refreshing. Now I may have been feeling super so warm(actually really hot) I felt like I was on a tropical island in the coffee-house but for once in a long time I had a normal, nice conversation with a good-looking guy that didn’t end up naked or drunk.

Because you can’t get drunk in coffee houses that don’t sell booze.

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Filed under funny, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, thoughts

When it rains men, its pours

Movie I’m watching right now: Love Actually 

A Book I just got done reading: Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Quick recap of the weekend before I get into the real story:

  • Walking Dead is back! Woah! What a season premiere!
  • Going to lunch with my little brother and his girlfriend tomorrow. Sushi!
  • We will be adding another member to the house soon! Frida the Cat!!
  • I have stopped crying and finally back on my birth control, so now I’m just very horny and it’s making me sweaty and shit. Also I now have a huge sweet tooth because of it.

StoryTime:

I swear when guys know your dating they come at you all at once. It’s like they don’t know how many people you’re seeing but they pick on this scent and the scent is called, “Hey lets tell Sally how we really feel about her.”

Guy number one: Well he’s been a friend, he comes over a lot. We workshop poems together. There has been on and off flirting a lot! And as my friends put it, every time I perform my poetry he gets a “poetry boner.” This is what I’ve been told from my friends watching the face he makes when I perform. (This has happened to multiple guys and my friend joke to me all the time about it) This one is never going to happen. Lets be real, he’s a nice guy but he’s just a big old flirt and he’s still pretty young. It would never work, nothing beyond a fun make out session.

Guy number two: My friend kind of set us up, he just moved into town recently. We met up at this really fun fall festival of beer thing. Ran around to different bars with him and my friends. Seemed to hit it off and he didn’t jet when I drunkenly spilled about my ex cheating on me. Then he came to my big poetry reading and then we both hung out this last Friday, just watched a movie. I wanted to take it easy, didn’t want to go out. It was nice, he didn’t make a move. Which is a new thing to feel, not having someone try and jump my bones. He’s a nice guy, attractive, runner,  gets along with my friends so far. I just don’t know. He seems young, not to sure how to date or I guess take charge. He’s a very nice guy so we shall see. Plus one negative is he doesn’t really read. But he’s a big movie buff, so that kind of makes up for it, but who am I kidding, it’s a  turn off when someone says they don’t read.

Guy number three: Oh boy, this guy again. So I hooked up with him drunkenly once and to be honest it was always more. I guess more than I even was aware of at the time. Which I should have known by the way he left that night. By the way he kissed me on my forehead, picked me up and place me on the bed and pulled all the blankets on me. But I kind of fucked up. A week later I slept with his friend. Did I know they were that close friends? No. Did I know this would affect him that much? No. This is one of my biggest regrets. (I don’t have many regrets) So we kind of stopped talking, but of course there was a little back and forth flirting, a little texting and then it stopped over the summer with him.

I stopped sleeping around and haven’t since May, because I realized I wanted something more than a one night stand.

Then we started talking again. I think it was the weekend I got back into town.We ran into him and his friends, who happen to be my friends and old roommates. That night as he was leaving my kind of drunk best friend Valerie whispered to him, “You fucked it up.” Which lead him to texting me that night, about how it was nice to see me and we started talking again. That lasted until the end of September and then again nothing.

Now I was aware that a friend of his had just passed away so I only figured he was going through some stuff so I stepped away. (My senior year of high school my speech team went through two very tragic death so I really learned that year that everyone griefs differently.)  And then what seemed like time away turned into me thinking, “well I’ve just faded into the background.”

That was until Saturday morning I woke up to a late night text message.

Two texts: He spilled his guts out about the death of his friend, which was rather tragic and very sad to hear and then the passing of his cousin, which is also very sad to hear. Which lead to him shutting everyone out and I should point he’s been going through stuff. You know, just life changing stuff, that “stuff” we all go through, just getting are shit together and figuring it all out(I’m not going to go into detail)

This lead to his second text, about how he does like me and does want to get to know me. And this is the last part of the second text (Replaced his name with guy) “But before I can do that, I have to sort myself out first. Its only fair. I refuse to give you the guy I am right now. I want to give you the guy I can be.”

I was rather speechless and not sure really what to say.

This one is hard for me. I like him, rather more than my head says I should. But it’s hard not to like him because it’s so easy with him. The talking, the looks, the jokes and he cares on another level. Like he knows my friends approval means a lot to me and how he gets along with them means everything. Sexual knows what he’s doing and he likes biting, which lately has been hard to come by. And more importantly his touch feels different. He’s somebody I want holding me. I’m craving for him.

But will this one ever happen? I’m not very hopefully, because well it’s been easier this past year to not have hope then it is to have hope in dating. Hearts break less.

But maybe I’ll give this one a little bit of hope.

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Filed under Being a woman, Dating, Hope, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, thoughts, universe

One Year

Thank goodness I don’t remember the extact date I found out my boyfriend of almost four years was cheating on me, but I do remember it was between the 14th-20th.

It’s been a year, I got through a year and probably one of the hardest and most beautiful years of my life thus far.

I feel like I’m an alcoholic or a drug addict celebrating my one year of sobriety. I guess they would maybe call it, “celibate.”

Of course I was naked for must of last fall and this spring with various men, so I was very far from being celibate….so far and so naked from being celibate.

This has been a tough year, lots of tears, for not only my ex who cheated on me but for other boys I thought were men, thought they could love me, thought they could fit into my life. And it just took me some time to realize that I was just too farer along in life then they were and they were too scared, too nervous to love someone like me.

I’ve had to learn to really love myself, love myself deep down into my own poetry and realize the moments I feel lonely, are the moments I am closests to my poetry.

I feel as though I am just randomly moving through my thoughts in this post but I don’t feel as though I have a chronically order for my feelings with this past week. Maybe beside feeling like I’m part of alcoholics anonymous I also feel like I lost my arm last year and its the one year anvery of the accident and I barley even notice my arm is even misisng anymore.

All I am left with is wondering if I have ever really been in love with someone. I’m starting to wonder if I ever was and now thats all I’m craving. I’m so hungry for love, for someone to lay down with and just kiss and smile with till the sunrise.

Dang….do I miss having a man wrap his arms around me.

Have I even had a man wrap his arms around me?

 

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Filed under Dating, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Life, Love, sex, Struggles, thoughts

Attraversiamo

I’m afraid, trying to “cross over” into a new outlook on relantionships. I am terrified, becoming shy and nervous to let someone else into my heart and feelings.

Because what if I do and they just decide to float away, drift away and I then must learn to move on yet again. Growing tried of letting men into my heart and they just use me for the sex, the kisses, smiles around their necks.

Here I sit then, waiting for someone to walk into my life, worried it will never happen. Deciding if I should just cross the street and walk on that side of the concrete. I don’t want to be heart broken anymore. Too scared to feel my chest ache and my hair damp sticking to my face.

Confession #2: I don’t remember the last time I got to tell a man, “I love you.”

Too shy, too nervous, heart broken back zipper, stuck half way up. Want to be done with love, dating, men, the sex so badly at times. But this quotation stops me.

But still humans must try to love each other. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. -Elizabeth Gilbert

And writing helps, my poetry helps. It keeps my mind and heart busy and else where. Lets me express my pain and most importantly, my poetry reminds me that I don’t need a man. Because my art form, my beautiful words do more then anyone could ever give me. And with that I believe in soul mates. Because I have already found mine…”words.”

I will “Attraversiamo” cross over to my words, let them slide off my tongue and speak affirmations to myself out loud, “I will love someone again, he will be handsome, he will hold me tight and he will inspire me.”

So I will continue on then, I will choose to look for him.

love

Tomorrow I will again and the days to follow.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Confessions, Dating, Love, my writing, poetry, thoughts, universe, Words