Last week I was walking to my morning creative writing class.
It was a little cold outside, the trees seemed so empty. Only a few colored leaves remained on the branches and the rest were laid out onto the ground
I don’t remember what I was wearing, what color my shoe laces were, or what we did in my morning class, but I remember looking up, I remember the sky was bright blue and I remember exactly where I was standing when I realized I wasn’t in pain anymore, that the pain from my recent break-up was all gone.
And in this moment I said to myself, “I don’t feel pain anymore.” The best way I can really explain this feeling is quoting the movie P.S. I Love You. Now at the end of the film, Holly says, “I don’t feel Gerry anymore, I think Gerry’s really gone.” (If you’ve never seen the movie, this quote refers the fact that her husband “Gerry has been dead for almost a year now.”
This is how it felt, just in a different context. But all the pain I had been feeling these past few months was finally gone, it was finally all gone, no more terrible pain in the pit of my stomach.
I really couldn’t believe it and I still can’t believe. I can’t believe the pains gone. I mean its really gone.
I feel different.
I feel like different person after this break-up. Its crazy to say but this break-up really made me grow up, that one final big growth sprout, but not height wise, I mean more emotionally and mentally. Also I think I’ve been holding back me for a few years now. I’m finally me. I’m so much happier, I glow so much more now. My ex boyfriend was really holding me back.
Holding me back in my career,
holding me back,
And at this moment right now I may been struggling with a few issues right now and yes I cry some nights and other nights I may not glow as bright but I would rather be where I’m sitting right now then everywhere else in the world.
On another note; I realized I’m going back home December 13th. I haven’t been home since my break-up out here with my ex. I’m so different now. I look different, I dress different and I’m so much more of myself.
And I’m so different now, that most people don’t even recognize me when they see me.
I’m different now. I’m finally back on track with who I’m supposed to be.
I’m glowing again. I’m writing again, I’m smiling more again and I know what I want for my future.
Yes, its scary to be doing this all alone now and its weird to not have someone by my side, someone helping me out with work and holding my hand when I’m crying or comforting when I’m stressed over work and school. But its supposed to be this way, I’m trying to forget that. This life i’m living, I’m living it for me, i’m here on this earth for me. I can do it by myself, I can hand being on my own.
I’m ok with being alone.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
I love myself, my body and I’m head of heels in love with my work and writing.
These next few years are going to be amazing. I can’t wait for each day.