Singledom

I’m that friend. The woman in the group whose’s stereotyped into, her career comes first, her life comes first. Finding a man, having kids is not happening anytime soon.

I hate this stereotype. I feel like society sets this up and I feel like I let it happen. I let it affect me and I feel like most women in my shoes do the same as well.

We feel guilty, alone and like we don’t belong at times. Like we’ve been branded an outside.

Just because I don’t want a boyfriend in this moment doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. I don’t sit in my room and miss having someone there with me. But there’s also that voice in my head that reminds me I’m too busy to give someone everything they want and relationships a year ago were an addiction, the way I tried getting over the past and those who’ve hurt me.

So yes I’m taking my time, yes I’m not looking for anything serious.

Do I still feel out-of-place? Most of the time. Do I worry everyone will pair up, family will pass away and I will be wishing I had someone? Yes everyday. But I try not to think about. That’s all I can really do. Wait for that right person to enter my life, even if I’m not sure if that will really ever happen.

Would it be sad if I never found the one? A little. But I can say at this point in my life I’m a strong woman. I love my life, I love my poetry, I love the idea of my future and I couldn’t be happier.

Here’s to being single, people judging me, giving them the bird and mouthing, “fuck you.”

No more dating for awhile

I’ve been in this mood since January where I don’t want a relationship.  I even get rather irritated when I even imagine being in one.

I feel rather silly about this because looking through so many of my posts where I crave for someone, where I’m dying to be close to someone and now I’m like ugh I don’t want any of that. Which is sad because I’ve had many offers when it comes to dating and I just don’t want any of it right now.

I like my poetry and myself. Rather stick with just my work for a while. I think I need that and I deserve that. I’ve spent too much of my young adult life caring for another person instead of caring for a craft.

It’s my turn and no one is getting in the way this time.

Geez, I sound rather grumpy and blah.

But I don’ t care, because I’m happy with working alone everyday. Nothing gives me more energy and happiness than what my writing gives me.

In a pickle (FML)

I’m stuck between a rock and fucking problem. I’m still not exactly sure if I know the whole story, or maybe I’m just lying to myself. No I’m sure I don’t know the whole story. Just the fragments, the pieces of what must be a much bigger and more complicated story/issue.

I met this guy about three weeks ago. Really nice, sweet guy, the conversations are easy and he’s a lot of what I’ve been looking for. And those negative qualities I’ve seen so far I’m willing to put up with. Now a week after meeting him, he told me he was “seeing someone.” Now problem number one “seeing one” can mean a bunch of different stuff for different people. Which really sucks because I’m pretty sure after Wednesday night over hearing the word “girlfriend” flying out his kind of tipsy mouth that there is more going on. Which prompted a very long drunk conversation outside, that I kind of remember and I kind of remember talking about poetry…goddamit Sally! Really? Of course drunk Sally starts talking about poetry and my ex’s and when I was cheated on, of course!

I’m so confused at the moment. Because this guy he not acting like I would assume he would. After large amounts of assholes and my fair share of watching my ex cheat I’m confused. Because I’ve met a huge chunk of his very good friends, we are friends on Facebook and well after Wednesday night he called to say sorry and talk to me. Maybe I’m just acting very stupid and very naive.

But this guy could just take off, get out of here, never talk to me again. Like every other guy has done to me. But he hasn’t and maybe he will eventually. But my gut tells me he’s a sincere guy, who does like me a lot. Maybe more than he should.

But I could never be the other woman. Never.

So I will talk to him soon. I will ask him whats going on and I will him what I kind of remember telling Wednesday night when we both were drunk. I will tell him what I have been too nervous to tell most guys. I want more than the hook-up, more than a back up and deserve more than that. I always have deserve more. And I don’t want to ever hurt another woman’s heart so I can have happiness.

I’m very sad and very heart-broken over this, because I know exactly how this is going to play out. He will say sorry, he will feel like shit and he go back to the life he was living. Because there is nothing romantic about leaving someone else for another.

It’s funny because I wonder if this so suppose to happen, I mean something like this situation was bound to happen. People being a part of monogamous relationships at my age seems less and less.

Last month I was thinking a lot about what happened with me. Last night I also told Valerie I don’t think I’m mad at the other woman anymore. To be honest I think I would have gotten over it/her a lot faster if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew her very well and that Thrilla took my car and well how I found out about it.

It was weird to be in these shoes. Different and I told Valerie I’m sad that Thrilla handle things the way they did. Because you know I do think they really loved each other and really were happy together. I wish he would have just broken things off right when things started to become than friends. I’m a bit sad for them in that sense. If only they would have handled it better.

I think they would be together… maybe be happy. And I would be much happier too and without some baggage. I suppose these are the lessons I needed to learn though and has fueled a lot of my soul. Without being cheated on i don’t think I would have ever moved on from Thrilla and I don’t know if I would have ever found poetry.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it.

Laying out in a dream that looked like the 70’s

Last night laying down on a striped black and green couched my ankle propped up on the cushion [due to falling down the stairs earlier that evening] I sat there watching dancing flicking lights of a dance party. Friends, some sober, some passed out next to me and the dogs and some so drunk they decided to try and give me a lap dance.

This scene can only truly best be decided of a dream like state where I have found myself so how in the late 70’s. Between the music, the items around the house and a couple passed out in a hammock,  I must have been in a dream.

And there I was, in this dream like moment in a soccer tee-shirt, soccer shorts and my rainbow sandals [aka California sandals] with ice on my ankle. Did I mention I also wasn’t wearing a bra or underwear. Somehow though I still get hit on.

This seems to continually happen to me. I somehow find sex. For such a awkward, falling all over the place, saying silly shit stuff, I still manage to find sex. What is it with me? I have also learn that I may not be the most smooth with jokes, walking, eating I have some short of gift in regardless to the art of hook-ups.

Oh boy! Gimmie Gimmie!

Sitting on the couch last night I shared two moments with myself:

1. I was so happy to be single, so happy to know I have all these options. To know that I can go downtown and I can dance my life away and know that guys are checking me out. I am very confident in myself [well most of the time] that I know I have skills, I have looks, and I have a cute personality. Knowing and understanding these adolescent have been huge for me and I know have helped me out as a woman. This is the moments I love being single, I love not being settled down with someone and knowing I have options.

2. The feeling I have stirring deep down inside of myself. The feeling  I’ve since I could read fairy tales, really since i could sit and comprehend a Disney movie. The ideals of true love and living happily. Now don’t freak out too much, I’ m not  overly emotional about this, more this feeling I believe is something many women from my generation especially have deep down somewhere inside of them. This is the moment called, “I miss falling asleep with someone holding.” I miss kissing someone special. I miss having someone a part of my life in the most intimate of ways.

These are the two conflicting feelings I carry with me in each moment of my everyday life. I have both months, days, minutes where these two feelings attack my moments.

Here I am at this party. Full of beautiful, talented, caring and very drunk friends. Feeling as though I’m in a dream. Trying to hold onto that feeling.

Late last night I created affirmations in my bones:

“I do not need someone to confirm I matter.”

“I do not need a man in my life to be happy.”

“I do not need to sleep with a man to keep him around.”

[The last one is something I recently learned the hard way about]

And my last bone hollowing affirmation:

[I love myself]

There.

It seems as though I have grown up a little more.

Best thing I never had

I was sitting down earlier today  and this song popped up in my spotify. Reminding myself of everything I’ve been through from August and how thankful my last relationship is over. Thrilla is a very faded memory, I can barley remember now.

Yes, I do still images of my break up pop up in my mind. Yes, I do still feel hurt sometimes, still get angry and upset sometimes. But for the most part its faded into a deep memory, chapter in my life. I’m still growing but I do feel so much older now, after that. I’m more me now, writing, reading, loving my body, my clothes, my personality and I’m standing up for myself in friendships, in class, with men.

 This opened my eyes to who I was becoming and I didn’t like it. I’m happier, I’m awake, I’m alive. I’m finally being myself again.

This was the best thing that could have ever happened to me

Last week

Last week I was walking to my morning creative writing class.

It was a little cold outside, the trees seemed so empty. Only a few colored leaves remained on the branches and the rest were laid out onto the ground

I don’t remember what I was wearing, what color my shoe laces were, or what we did in my morning class, but I remember looking up, I remember the sky was bright blue and I remember exactly where I was standing when I realized I wasn’t in pain anymore, that the pain from my recent break-up was all gone.

And in this moment I said to myself, “I don’t feel pain anymore.” The best way I can really explain this feeling is quoting the movie P.S. I Love You. Now at the end of the film, Holly says, “I don’t feel Gerry anymore, I think Gerry’s really gone.” (If you’ve never seen the movie, this quote refers the fact that her husband “Gerry has been dead for almost a year now.”

This is how it felt, just in a different context. But all the pain I had been feeling these past few months was finally gone, it was finally all gone, no more terrible pain in the pit of my stomach.

 I really couldn’t believe it and I still can’t believe. I can’t believe the pains gone. I mean its really gone.

I feel different.

I feel like different person after this break-up. Its crazy to say but this break-up really made me grow up, that one final big growth sprout, but not height wise, I mean more emotionally and mentally. Also I think I’ve been holding back me for a few years now. I’m finally me. I’m so much happier, I glow so much more now. My ex boyfriend was really holding me back.

Holding me back in my career,

my school,

speech,

sports,

my writing,

friends,

holding me back,

And at this moment right now I may been struggling with a few issues right now and yes I  cry some nights and other nights I may not glow as bright but I would rather be where I’m sitting right now then everywhere else in the world.

On another note; I realized I’m going back home December 13th. I haven’t been home since my break-up out here with my ex. I’m so different now. I look different, I dress different and I’m so much more of myself.

And I’m so different now, that most people don’t even  recognize me when they see me.

I’m different now. I’m finally back on track with who I’m supposed to be.

I’m glowing again. I’m writing again, I’m smiling more again and I know what I want for my future.

Yes, its scary to be doing this all alone now and its weird to not have someone by my side, someone helping me out with work and holding my hand when I’m crying or comforting when I’m stressed over work and school. But its supposed to be this way, I’m trying to  forget that. This life i’m living, I’m living it for me, i’m here on this earth for me. I can do it by myself, I can hand being on my own.

I’m ok with being alone.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

I love myself, my body and I’m head of heels in love with my work and writing.

These next few years are going to be amazing. I can’t wait for each day.