Tag Archives: words

When I was Comfortable

I’ve been reminiscing a lot recently about my past relationship with Thrilla, ok maybe  reminiscing isn’t the right word. Because it’s far from an enjoyable recollection of past events. I guess I’ve been examining the past. Trying to figure out what went wrong, finally past that point of blaming myself, blaming my sex and blaming the charm.

Last Thursday I went Iowa to perform my work, which is another story but I will add I did get paid and I got feed. It was like two of my favorite things, getting feed and paid to perform. But any ways I was sitting in this very crapped car and looking out the window something hit me, nothing physically hit me (thank goodness) but a strong thought within hit me upside the head,

“When I was with Thrilla I was so comfortable.”

I suppose this is nothing new to the never-ending stream of thoughts I have about this very failed relationship, but this is a thought I look at differently now. Right before I fell asleep last night I wrote this down in my notes on my cellphone.

I think comfortable is the worse word you can use in a relationship. It’s the first of numerous red flags that mean a relationship is ending.

I should have seen it coming, after I used the word I’m comfortable with my boyfriend. “I don’t know what I would do without him.”

No one should ever feel like this. Now I know a few people will get upset by me stating this, will say hey! Wait a minute! I’ve been a long healthy comfortable relationship or you’ll tell me you’ve been married for years now. I’m not trying to say this word is the end all be all but what I’m trying to point out is, there are better words in the English langauge then saying your relationship is comfortable.

If my ex (Thrilla) and I had made it one more month it would have been four years together and when he left me for another women, my life was shattered and I didn’t know what piece to pick up first.

But, if he hadn’t left me and hadn’t left me in such a final way that I knew we would never be  intimate or a couple again, I may have never started writing. I would have this blog. I wouldn’t think of myself as beautiful and I wouldn’t have all these wonderful friends and I wouldn’t have been in that car going to Iowa, because now of my poems would be written, especially the ones written about my failed relationship. I wouldn’t have my chapbook, I have experienced that on my own skin.

And I wouldn’t be craving for real love. Because I was comfortable.

It was April 2012, I was sitting with a friend in her living room. I had just found email messages of Thrilla and the other woman. They weren’t bad enough to worry but they sent a red flag up. I remember my back resting along this leather sofa, the one that seemed to stick to skin and in between the struggle of the sofa I spoke up to my friend, “I’m so comfortable with Thrilla, I don’t know what I would do without him.”

That was the first time I used comfortable in our relationship and in that same month Thrilla and her started their relantionship. And mine ended.

But, I do now know what I would do without him…

I’m better off. More than better off, I’m thriving.

And I don’t ever want to be comfortable again with someone. I rather be: happy, busy, smiling, holding, powerful, eating, sleeping, naked, sweating, hiking, writing, learning, dancing, singing, loving, enriching, beautiful, natural, spontaneous, transforming with someone.

I will never need or be comfortable with someone again.

I’m so thankful for this lesson.

Iowa

The view from the car on my way to Iowa.

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Filed under Beautiful, Ex-boyfriends, Life, Love, Message in the clouds, thoughts, universe

Tonight

Just a thought:

I sit around a group of beautiful people, beautiful voices, beautiful words

Sharing beautiful words.

Sharing heart songs, touching souls with hushes of our voices

This is the moment I feel so beautiful, feel so much at peace. These are the moments as a writer I crave for, write for and dream about.

I am so thankful for my gifts.

Thankful for my beautiful gifted friends.

I am so happy for the beauty and energy that moves throughout this house.

Thank you Universe for blessing me

 

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Friends, good energy, my writing, poetry, Thankful, universe

Attraversiamo

I’m afraid, trying to “cross over” into a new outlook on relantionships. I am terrified, becoming shy and nervous to let someone else into my heart and feelings.

Because what if I do and they just decide to float away, drift away and I then must learn to move on yet again. Growing tried of letting men into my heart and they just use me for the sex, the kisses, smiles around their necks.

Here I sit then, waiting for someone to walk into my life, worried it will never happen. Deciding if I should just cross the street and walk on that side of the concrete. I don’t want to be heart broken anymore. Too scared to feel my chest ache and my hair damp sticking to my face.

Confession #2: I don’t remember the last time I got to tell a man, “I love you.”

Too shy, too nervous, heart broken back zipper, stuck half way up. Want to be done with love, dating, men, the sex so badly at times. But this quotation stops me.

But still humans must try to love each other. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. -Elizabeth Gilbert

And writing helps, my poetry helps. It keeps my mind and heart busy and else where. Lets me express my pain and most importantly, my poetry reminds me that I don’t need a man. Because my art form, my beautiful words do more then anyone could ever give me. And with that I believe in soul mates. Because I have already found mine…”words.”

I will “Attraversiamo” cross over to my words, let them slide off my tongue and speak affirmations to myself out loud, “I will love someone again, he will be handsome, he will hold me tight and he will inspire me.”

So I will continue on then, I will choose to look for him.

love

Tomorrow I will again and the days to follow.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Confessions, Dating, Love, my writing, poetry, thoughts, universe, Words

Sorry I’ve been ignoring you blog, I’ve been ummm “busy”

Ok, I’ve been sex for the past three weeks now. Wonderful, hot, sexy, sex that you only see in the movies kind of sex. Mind you I basically have sex two times a day. So yeah, I’ve been busy. Oops, sorry blog.

But i’m not ready to start blogging about him, about the funny stories, or about the sex. I can’t really give you the right answer to why I don’t want to, but I’m to ready to. But I thought the least I could do is explain why I haven’t been blogging for the past month. Don’t worry, I’m alive, i’m healthy and I’m still happy, I’m still glowing, I’m still full of life. I’m me.

On another note, my classes. I’m in love with my English classes! I feel like I’m really mastering my craft, really learning how to improve my writing and all of this is helping me shine as a person. I miss soccer and running all the time, that’s never going away but I’m so thankful I’ve found another outlet, another place to perform, to master skills and try and be the best in what I love. Sometimes I do think, maybe I wasn’t meant to play sports for ever, maybe writing, maybe speech was all a lone going to be the place I was going to end up. I believe this now. I’ve fallen head over heels with writing. I love language. I love words. Which is some funny irony, because I have my language disability. But it’s true, I love words, I love having others read my work and feeling, seeing what I feel and see really day, every minute, every moment.

Stuff I’m missing:

  • I miss hiking
  • I miss the ocean
  • I miss my mustang
  • I miss my friends in Cali.
  • I miss the smell of evening and morning grass on a soccer field
  • I miss California
  • I miss the smell of the ocean
  • I miss my dirt bike

I may miss all these things, but I have so much here with me right now. I’m just excited to go home this summer and have new experiences at home. I cannot wait! For now though, where I’m at, is pretty great as well.

 

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Memories (Written Weeks ago)

Song of the Day: Where did our love go by The Supremes

Quotation of the day: “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

Poem of the Day: Stay by Andrea Gibson

Today is an absolutely beautiful day. I stepped outside into this amazing sunshine and gentle breeze on my face. I closed my eyes and it felt like home, back home in California.

I miss my home so much right now. I miss the kids I work with. I miss their energy.

Today is a moving my soul/spirit kind of day, I can feel it.  Late last night I was walking up to my front door and I just stopped suddenly and felt an urge to look up into the sky and stare at the stars. That’s one of the beautiful things about the Midwest, how the stars seem to shine so brightly in the sky.  I could just stare at them for hours and they always reminds me of when I  go motorcycle riding out in the desert in California and at night you can see everything out there.

I’ve been thinking a lot about learning disabilities this week. I was with my special services advisor and I told her that my biggest fear/struggle that I’m facing with right now is for students I’m working with to understand what I deal with. (Now mind you my students back home have never judged me, but I’m not sure if that will be the case with students  out here) And my special service advisor says to me, “You shouldn’t worry about that, you have great social skills, your brilliant, you have so much going for you.

I have so much going for me….

I found out today I got the highest score possible on my reading comprehension and writing on the ACT. I’m not sure how to react to this. I not use to this feeling. I’ve felt it, but just not use to it.

Dealing with a learning disability has created a life full of memories that will forever be imprinted into my mind.

Memory: Being in a hospital, laying down in a cold, darkened room, they put, what can only be described as a swimmers cap with lots of holes on my head and with a paste like stuff and then put metal sticks through the holes, twisting my hair. I remember crying, I remember my hair hurt. I remember thinking to myself, “What is wrong with me.” I remember hearing my mom say to someone in angry, “They think something could be wrong with her brain.”

Memory: Speech therapy. Learning vowels, learning how to sound words out.

Memory: Flash cards with my tutor after school, learning to spell look, there, their, where,. I will remember the word “LOOK” especially Because it was on a little card, white, and there was just the word and in between the O’s were two eyes,. That’s how I remember to spell look and still see that picture when I see the word.

Memory: My parents and tutor fighting the school to keep me in Special Education, the school didn’t think I needed it. Basically I was costing them money.

Memory: 1st grade, picking out books for reading time, always reading the same books, over and over, because those were the only ones I could read by myself.

Memory : falling in love with reading. It was after reading Dracula in 7th grade. Then The Hobbit.

Memory: Falling in love with Shakespeare, junior year of high school, we read Julius Caesar

Memory: 5th grade, wrote my first long story, ended up being about 20 pages. Even got to read part of it to my classmates. That was the moment I fell in love with writing and I didn’t even know it yet, Shit I don’t think I realized that was the moment until this year.

Memory: Meeting a writing mentor that would shape how I write and do my job for the rest of my life. Wrote a story and performed it. If you’re reading this, I want to say thank you for everything you have given to me in regard to writing and my job. You set down a beautiful foundation and stunning examples for me. Thank you. You are one of my favorites writers of all time.

Memory:  My senior year English teacher. I not only fell in love with the Beatles even more but I fell in love with poetry. Wrote some of my first of poems in that class.

Memory: Senior year of high school, last IEP meeting of the public school system. I will never forget these words, “You have found a way around your disability.” I have found a way around? I was then told that my reading comprehension was that of a college grad. Students.  This was a moment in my life where I understood that the universe was looking out for me and that great things to happen for me. This was the moment I realized how strong of an individual I am.

Memory: my third year and my junior college, realizing I wanted to become a teacher. And believed I could become a teacher. Someone like me could become a teacher.

Memory: Amy cohen, her words changed my life. She connected to a pain at the time I thought I couldn’t handle. She has done so much for me without ever meeting me. She has helped open up the flood gates of my heart.

Memory: Terry Galloway, I healed from my disability because of her stories. Performing her work, each moment, each time she was there with me, when I cried I felt her pain, she felt mine. We have never met, but she is an author that has changed my spirit. Thank you for the gifts you have given the world. You are a gifted writer. I am healed because of you.

Memory: This summer, July, Realized I knew who I was, what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and  how much I’m in love with my job.

Memory: My coach, my boss telling my how amazing my performance was and how real it felt. And telling me not to let others bring me down and get in the way of the success I’m going to have.

Memory: Another wonderful coach telling my how beautiful my performance was.

Memory: My University has let me take sign language as my foreign language, understand the struggle I have faced trying to learn a new language and that sign language would be something to benefit me as a person.

Memory: Receiving the highest you can on the reading comprehension and writing on the ACT.

Memory: I read and write everyday, I still sit here and struggle everyday, but I’m doing what I thought was the impossible, I write and people can understand me.

These are memories that I carry throughout my day, some may be sad, still hurt, and may be a scar thats healed, but regardless of what I feel from each memory, they have all shaped me and have helped me become who I am today.

These memories define me.

When you ask me why I’m so happy. It’s simply because I have lived. I have felt the darkest, saddest, moments  in my life. I understand others pain better because of my own, I will always have more compassion then needed and I will never take reading for grated and I will never take writing for granted, because there was once a time where I was lucky to spell look right.

-I know exactly why I’m a compassionate person, I know exactly why I love so much and so freely. And yes I know sometimes I forget it myself on a bad day but on a day like this, sitting here I remember the reasons why. I remember the great aspects of all these memories, and that they are the reasons why I want to write, why I want to become a teacher, why I sit and struggle and fight through the tough days

Here, in these posts, all through my blog you can see my Learning Disability shine through, from misspelling, word placement out of whacked and terrible, terrible grammar. My learning disability shows my character, shows who I am and what really matters to me. A misspelled word isn’t the definition of a poor writer, a poor writer is someone who isn’t willing to take a risk, who won’t themselves out into the world.

auditory processing disorder

I am not my disability

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Filed under Disability, Struggles, thoughts