Tag Archives: alone

Transition

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  • I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
  • There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.

And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness

  • I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
  • I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
  • When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.
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Filed under Dating, Disability, Friends, Home, Life, Love, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Teachers, thoughts

Like Lullabies

Five friends, five conversations and five days later I have learned one key factor that each of these individual, including myself all share in common.

We all crave to have someone. 

To have someone to lay next to, to kiss, to hold in pressed arms, like a flower in a chapter book. Each of my dear friends, including myself simply want these moments to return to their lives.

I want these moments to come rushing back into my life. As if I’ve jumped into a river without testing the temperature of the water. I just want to close my eyes, take a deep breath and never look back at the cliff.

I miss laying with someone, I miss someone there to hold me, to kiss my forehead. I miss this, I crave this so terribly that I can feel the angst of this problem throughout music, can feel my bed sheets wrap around me, feel someone whisper to me in my sleep, “You have beautiful eyes.”

I have been trying to tell my closest guy friends that these are the moments women want the most. These are the moments that create that raw sexual energy I believe men are waiting for us to bust out with. To tie them up, to blind fold them, to kiss them everywhere, wait for them to smack our ass and then for us to scream out their name. Now from my own experience these moments are amazing, hot and have been some of my finest sexual experience, but these raw, hot moments came with moments of someone holding me, smiling at me, telling my how lucky they are to have me with them.

Gosh, can you remember those happiest of moments of being with someone. If I sit here, take a deep breath out and listen to my favorite writing music…I can remember those moments from my past that made me happiest.

  • His fingers moving through my hair
  • Kissing my neck softly
  • He says to me, “You are so gorgeous”
  • His arms wrapped around me
  • Waking up to him smiling at me
  • Telling my how beautiful my eyes are
  • Holding me when I cry
  • Wanting to hear about my day
  • Just sending me a text to let me know he’s thinking about me
  • Buying me flowers
  • Simply laying in bed with me, stroking my back, kissing my cheeks, humming  a song gently in my ears
  • Kissing in the shower
  • Carrying me up the stairs
  • Sitting in a coffee shop with me
  • Reading my poems
  • Falling asleep on the phone.
  • Telling me how important our friendship is.

(This “him” of course is not all from one person. The list above is of course from various relationships I’ve had).

This post is not only for myself but for my friends who lay alone at night (as I do every night) staring up past the ceiling, past the roof and look to the stars, in hopes of finding that one person who will hold them and never let them go.

They are out there.

Past the comets, past the star-dust and hanging on your eye lashes.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

My dear friends, close your eyes, fall asleep and continue to keep that shape in your heart for that one person that will change everything.

And remember you all have people in your lives who change everything, every single moment. They are your family members, your friends, co-workers, your students.

Tonight sing your own lullaby.

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