When dinner dates go well

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a date go well. It’s been a long time since things felt easy. Been a long time since I was naked, sober and didn’t end up having sex. (Hey…I may have been  a bit naked but it was about time)

I may be an ultra feminist at times but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy when a man takes me out to dinner, than coffee. A man who will open doors for me and well basically does every polite thing you can think of. Plus enjoying these aspects shouldn’t ever be labeled as “anti-feminist.”

Geez, I like it when a man can step up to the plate and tell me I damn good. I know I look good but I also like to hear it.

I had a wonderful thursday night. I’m not sure where this will go and I’ve become rather pessimistic at the age of 24. Which is a shame to feel so bitter about dating at this age but after the shit I’ve dealt with are we surprised? I’m not…well I guess I went through it so…

It was the first time in a very long time I felt a connection with someone and to have that returned as well. To sit down and realize so many true connections are nice. Even if this goes no where and ends up becoming a mess or something it was definitely the little push I needed to become a sad woman with a bunch of plants, or cats.

And I’m not going to lie the sexual tense was hot, hot….did I say how hot it was? Damn I haven’t been that hot since I went hiking in Death Valley. I’m also going to be rather vain but I know I’m good at what I do. Sometimes I have these fleeting moments of forgetting and I worry and then I’m like, “oh yeah….I’m good at that shit.” This time was different too…there was definitely a different connection I felt in a long time and I know he definitely felt it.

Or….maybe I’m just that good at giving head.

Any ways for now I’m going to enjoy the moments and the fact that I went on a date with someone who isn’t in college.

Thank you Jesus for tall men with bodies.

Forgiveness

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines forgiveness as:

transitive verb

1

a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for –forgivean insult-

 b : to grant relief from payment of –forgive a debt-

 2

: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon–forgive one’s enemies-

A Little over a year ago I had one of the worst experiences of my young adult life.

Standing in the middle of my boyfriend of the time bedroom, holding a beautiful silky pearl under shirt my whole world came crashing down around. Every red flags, every fight, every fear hit me like a bullet to the heart. I couldn’t breath, couldn’t stand, couldn’t believe that someone I had been dating for four years of my life could cheat on me. But these are the facts, these are the moments that will forever be a scar on my heart and these moments have become haunting,the worst of my nightmares since the beginning of last August. From finding letters, emails, finding out my car was taken to visit this other women, who was not only someone I had met before but a friend of my best friend.

Then two weeks ago I found out not only were they seeing each other over the summer I was home working my job but when i was heading back, both of them came to California, she met his family, friends and where he grew up, all the while with the understanding we were still together.

Last year has been nothing but a struggle for me. A struggle to date, to trust again, to love again and a struggle to forgive those who have broken my heart. Yes I did forgive Thrilla. We became close friends and I really had to convince my friends again that this person may have not been the best boyfriend at the end of our relationship but he was going to be a good friend, he was going to make it up to me. So there was forgiveness.

This has all come crashing down around me yet again as I bring up deep dark issues that haven’t been spoken about since last year. Not only has my ex not learned to accept what he did was not ok, was not right. He blames me for the loss of his job.

I have become the one to blame, the one that changed his life forever.

I want to make a few points clear:

My life has forever been changed. Not only has trusting men become near impossible but scares me half to death. Not only have been jumping in and out of bed with men that I have no feelings for, I have made one night stands my drug, my band-aid, my way to fill the huge gap in my heart, in hopes for brief moments I will forget the emails I read, forget the “I love you” they wrote back and forth to each other, and I hope having another man on top of me will help me forget that she sat inside my car as they kissed, held hands and fell in love.

I not only lost my boyfriend of four years, but my best friend and my co-worker.

So yes Thrilla, your life has forever been changed, you have lost so much. But YOU made that decision, I did not decide to kiss her, fuck her, to love her. That was you, those were your moments. Your life has changed because of you, her life has changed because of you and because of her own decisions. And my life has changed because of both of you.

A year ago I decided to forgive, to do something I have never heard anyone else do. I became friends with my cheating ex. I welcomed her into my house and I listened to how much you loved her with no resentment. This is the kind of person I am. I forgive; perhaps too much but this is who I am.

Today though, today has shown me that maybe forgiveness was a mistake, was a silly idea on my behalf. Not only did Thrilla discount what happened a year ago, he saw nothing wrong with his actions and then continue to point out he can’t keep saying sorry for something he did a year ago.

Look a year is nothing, a year is a blink of the eyes. 

It seems as if I have become a victim needing to get over my problems, my sadness and a woman who still clings on to events.

This is not the case, this is anything but the case. I have moved on, I am very happy and I have a much better life then I did during this relationship, but that does not mean scars still do not bleed or hurt once and awhile.

So no Thrilla, this does not give you the right to yell at me (especially when i was not yelling at you) does not give you the right to cuss me out, to kick me out of your house, to flip me off and then continue to text me afterwards. You have no right to ever raise your voice to, not only because I am a women but because I am a human being. I deserve respect, class and a man (friend or more than friend) who will never raise their voice at me.

I promised myself a year ago that you would hurt me again, this promise was broken today. You confirmed everything I ever feared. That you still get it, you don’t see the magnitude of what you have done.

Still I will forgive you, I will let go of the pain bit by bit each morning and I will move on from of this. Someday I will be in love with someone who will forever hold my heart in the right place and someone will love me for each wrinkle of my smile and each tear I shed for those who have done wrong to me.

I am not just a strong woman, but a good PERSON. I am compassionate, I am caring and I give all of myself to love.

I will move on, I will heal, I will forgive still.

I do not know if I can still say the same for you. I do not know if you can move on. Forgive me, for something I should never say sorry for.

I did nothing….I was the victim of a failing relationship that should have ended much sooner. I was a victim of a man who did not have the courage to treat me like an equal person and break it off with me.

Tonight I will forgive myself first, I will wash my salty face and I will sleep with good dreams in mind.

I know the rest will follow.

“True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.”
― Oprah Winfrey

My Guardian Angel

My life has been a series of struggles, like everyone else on this Earth I have cried during hard times, I have watched loved ones die, pets die, gone through my own personal challenges. We are mortal, we’re not perfect, we will have bad days, good days and moments to smile.

This past year though personally has been a series of struggles for me or as I look at it now, “Life testing how resilient I am.” Between my struggle with love, school, work and every in between this has year and 2012 has a year of tears, fighting for what I love and moments of sitting alone in my room wondering if I will ever find love, ever be done with fighting for what I love and if I will ever be done with some of these continuing struggles.

Then I have these moments of such joyous gifts, of amazing events happening in my life and these moments shine light on all the terrible shitty shit moments and really just push them away. 

For example: The week The one that turned out to be an ass hole decided to just stop talking to me which made me so crushed, is also the week I found out I won this poetry award for one of my pieces. Which of course has changed everything for me, because this was the moment I looked at my writing differently, my peers, my professors, my friends began to look at not only my writing differently but me as well.

 These moments have continued to shine on my life, from becoming a featured poet, to the amazing feed back at open mic nights, to workshops with amazing people, to the moment I started to realize I’ve grown up into this beautiful woman. 

I’ve been looking back on last year and the year that is in progress and I always say to myself, “Wow, I’m so lucky, I’m so blessed and I think the world is looking out for me.” And this is always the one thought that follows, the one thought I have been thinking about for years had it isn’t until tonight I have finally spoken about it out loud, “I think someone is watching out for me.” Like a Guardian Angel.”

And I know exactly who my Guardian angel is……….My Grandpa.

He passed away after developing cancer from asbestos exposure. On multiple occasion my mother tells me this story. Your Grandpa found out his was sick and around this same time I was born. I have always been told that after I was born my grandpa was so happy, so excited! And since both my parents were working at the time, he was always babysitting me. My grandpa would follow me everywhere. “You made his day.” “He loved you so much.” “You were everything for him.” “He focused on you instead of his sickness.”

A little bit after my 1st birthday he passed away.

After talking with a good friend and finally saying all this I do agree with him and finally see it. These moments with my Grandfather make up 100% of who I am today as a person. He is the reason I am the caring person I am today. He is the reason I grew up happy, grew up a dreamer, grew up giving out all this love. I was his world for a year, he was mine too.

Looking through photos tonight I begin to flood with emotions and tears for a man I don’t even remember, for a man who was only around for a year of my life. This moment……Of tears falling down my face at the age of twenty-four make me firmly believe that my Grandpa is watching over me, is holding me when I cry alone, is the reason I have more sunny days then rainy days.

 I only wish he could have been on Earth to watch me grow up in person. I would have loved more hugs on Christmas, more smiles on birthdays, more forehead kisses as I leave for college, more time with someone who gave me such a blooming love inside of myself.

Then I remember……he is watching after me. Like the sun touches the flowers petals, like the wind kisses my face and the stars fill up the darkness. He sees me, he knows I love him and he is forever watching out for me.

He is my foundation of love, he is my Grandpa.

My Grandpa holding me

Forever in each others hearts

Love, positivity and Tornado’s

Today I experienced my third tornado dream. Haven’t figured out why I have been developing these dreams lately but I’m beginning to think it has something to do with my back and forth state on dating.

In previous posts I’ve mentioned this numerous times and i’ve mentioned that I’ve mentioned this multiple times as well: One moment I just want sex, just rough, all night, all day kinky sex. These moments of craving sex like it’s a big old piece of cheesecake happen almost every week. Moments were I become the least rational as a woman. Of course these irrational moments have caused me the worst of heartache. Exactly why I’ve concocted the whole idea of being “Closed for Season.” Clearly after last month, the whole being closed didn’t really work out too well, but here I am. FInally closed for the season and hating must days.

Then I have a day like today: I wake up and I’m lonely, craving to have someone text me “good morning,” to miss me, to hold me tight. It’s always great to have someone that wants to hear about your day, wants to make sure you had a good day and lastly someone who is thinking about you throughout the day. That’s the one main thing I miss about dating, about relationships. Knowing someone is thinking about me. I miss this so much, which just gets me pissed, upset, and I take a nap, where I end up dreaming about tornados again.

Tomorrow maybe I’ll just miss sex, then wait for someone to just treat me like a piece of meat and want to fuck me.

Of course my friend is right though, I just need to stay positive with dating. Again I guess I haven’t been so positive with dating because I’ve been so focused on my poetry and throwing all my good energy onto my art form, instead of men. Which is how it should be until someone knows how to treat me right. Treat me as the beautiful, caring, free spirited woman I am.

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, then all at once.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars”

I fell in love the way I fall asleep: hugging a cool pillow, listening to the rain tapping on my window and dreaming about a tornado carrying me off to Oz…where you’ll be waiting for me.

Moments

I know I go on a lot, really most of the time about not wanting to be with anyone right now.

And on certain days this is very true.

But I have these moments, between my dreaming and awake where I miss having someone.

Moments I wish someone would just lay with me, hold me, and kiss me.

I miss the gentler moments of an relantionship.

The moments of a soft touch on my leg and the brush of someones finger tips on my shoulders and down my back. Moments of staying up late, spending hours just talking.

Hours of laughing, hours of blissful smiles, and hours of brushing up against someone else’s hand.

I dream about these moments. That’s all I dream about for the past month and each morning I wake up happy. But this is something I still cannot find, or I still have yet to be noticed.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt any of these moments. Now don’t get me wrong, I have felt the touch of a man these past months, I’ve had someone lay awake in bed with me, talk to me, but I can say only two people have gotten me close to feeling good, just simply making me smile.

 

Until then, I guess I’ll keep on dreaming.