Tag Archives: crying

Feeling more and more like the self I’ve been searching for

Post written a week ago (Rough Draft of my Chapbook)

I’m trying really hard not to cry at my favorite coffee shop right now as I read my professors wonderful notes about my chapbook.

Gosh I am so lucky to have such an amazing professor working with me and I’m so sad this is going to be the last semester I get to work with him. I know we will have a continuing friendship and he’ll always be there to over look my poetry but gosh I’m going to miss working with him.

If is wasn’t for him I would have never discovered poetry. If not for stumbling into his class I would have never found poetry, never found this voice and I think I still be struggling a lot in my classes. I’ve become this straight A student now (Deans List), which is something I only ever dreamed of.

So I’m trying really hard not to cry right now as I read these extremely helpful notes.

Over the course of these two weeks I have felt more at home with myself. I don’t know if that’s exactly what I want to say. But I feel so comfortable in my own skin. I’m so damn happy.

Of course I still have bad days. But I seem to find myself looking less and less at article titled, “things to do single, things every women to strive for.”

Instead I make my own lists now. More like what I want to eat and what movie I should watch next.

I’m also fortunate I’m in love with my poetry in this moment. Which is nice because I’ve been so upset at my work these last few weeks, but today I so at peace. Maybe it’s because I bought 7 different bottles of lotion at Bath and Body Works. (There was huge sale) I also bought a candle.

I also went on a date yesterday. Post to come soon about that.

In this moment I’m feeling blissful and warm-hearted.

Gosh I am so thankful for this warmth.

Because I created it all on my own.

And as I finish up this post…finally (I’ve been rather busy this week with my poetry) I can now say I’m done with my first Chapbook. I started this bad boy last summer and after many drafts, many different poems and a lot of wine I can say I’m done. Of course I know it will need more work. (When is anything ever really done…

But I’m so goddamn happy right now and I’m hungry.

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Dating, FOOD, Hope, Life, My Chapbook, my writing, poetry, school, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Meditations: Animal Spirit Totems and Twin Flame

 

 

 

Its pretty obvious I’ve been struggling with relationships on different platforms these last few weeks. I’ve been left feeling rather heart-broken and very disappointed in men [boys] who have left me with empty promises. A cycle of getting over the idea of something exciting happening and the promise that one of these mornings I will wake up to someone holding me.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt someone.

Today I decided it was time to figure out my Animal totems. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a few years now and I after speaking to a friend on Tuesday evening I felt it was about time I did something about it. After reading a lot and meditating where I ended up passing out for 45 minutes I realized how silly I was to not have known my animal totems. I read a lot of article and books today that spoke about how your animal totems tend to be animals that are recurring throughout your daily life, they pop up everywhere and you have always been interested in them. During my meditation as I was laying on a sandy beach I discovered three:

  • A cat, orange and white appeared to me. Which is freaky because the past few weeks I have been seeing this cat named copper when I go over to visit my friend Alicia We think he must belong to someone in the neighborhood. Copper [the name we gave him] first appeared on Halloween, which was the week this guy I was hopeful for something told me it wasn’t working out and to stay away. This cat brought me so much comfort to me that night. I’ve always felt very connected with cats too. I’ve had my cat since I was six. Also….ok this sound silly and I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this in a long time but when I was a kid at recess I would pretend I was a cheetah. I shit you not my three dream jobs as a kid where, U.S Women’s Soccer player, Zoo veterinarian and Cheetah. I also remember acting out the Lion King in preschool a lot too.
  • The second animal that came to me was my old dog Sassy. Which I didn’t expect to happen, to encounter a childhood pet. She was a Kerry Blue Terrier.  Sassy died when I was in kindergarten though, I saw her get hit by a car. I loved her so much and I miss her everyday. It was comforting to see her again, but this time she came to me during mediation.
  • The last animal that arrived was this large golden eagle….go figure. But to be honest I was surprised to see this Marahute looking bird land down besides me. I’ve never felt very connected to birds, or so I thought. I woke up in middle hug with this bird to realize I not only have a feather dream catcher above my head on my ceiling, but I have a large feather by my desk I randomly found one day and hung up a week before I found out about my ex cheating on me. Then of course these necklace which I tend to wear as I perform.

I am bird

Also I was reminded how much wings end up in my poetry. So maybe I have been more connected to birds then I thought I was. I mean my chapbook does end with a poem about this giant bird.

Then after this meditation I stumbled upon another meditation  and books on “finding your twin flame.”

Twin Flame:  A twin flame is quite literally the soul’s other half, which parted before entering the 3rd dimensional experience and human incarnation. Basically it’s another form of a “soul mate” in a way. Plato and the New Testament of the Bible both discuss the idea that we were once whole but then got divided into two. Of course Twin Flame involves a lot more meditation and chakras opening and of course understanding the need to put aside the “ego.” It’s also important to note there was a lot on the whole idea that once you find your “Twin Flame” that means you both are on your last life on Earth, your last reincarnation. I thought what they heck! I’m going to do this sweet ass guided meditation I found and maybe I’ll figure someone stuff out.

Now I’ve done a few guided meditations before, so I’m aware if they are working or not. This one was rather interesting. I was ahead of the steps a little bit, which is a good sign. It Means I was deeply in the meditation and my mind was ahead of where she was guiding me. You meet this man in all white robes, blue eyes, he holds his hand out and you grab a hold of it and in this moment I broke down crying. For a good amount of the meditation I was crying. Then I met my Twin Flame. Well, I lost the image of him. I’m going to do the meditation again to get a better image of him, but it I know it was a man. He was tall and he made me break down even more. I asked him to contact me more, because I need to know he’s there thinking about me. He asked me to be strong, that I needed that. We were asked to give each other a gift, without hesitation I handed my favorite writing journal over and without hesitation he handed me a pen.

It was a rather an extremely emotion experience for me. I haven’t cried like that in a long time. I want to go back to that meditation to get a better picture of him, because the feelings were so strong.

Listed below are some of the attributes of a twin flame relationship:

  1. You had dreams or visions of this person and/or your energetic relationship before ever meeting in this lifetime.
  2. Meeting your partner felt like “coming home” to a familiar, long-lost energy. After meeting, you had “memories” of other times and places with that person that are not part of this life experience so far.
  3. Your partner mirrors your own issues, concerns, and imbalances, but you also complement each other’s skill sets, talents, and capacities. You are the ultimate embodiment of yin/yang.
  4. At least one partner is of higher frequency, possibly a First Waver, Indigo, and/or Crystal, or is genetically related to one.
  5. You may be of different ages, the same or opposite sex, vastly different backgrounds, “opposing” religions or cultures, but you feel an incredible unity or incomparable sense of oneness with your partner.
  6. You feel each other’s symptoms, illnesses, and emotions even when you are not near each other or in communication.
  7. Your functioning is impaired or much less optimal when you are apart from your twin flame. It physically and mentally hurts when you are not together.
  8. When you are with your partner and the relationship is in balance, you become stronger, more powerful, and more capable than you have ever felt. You feel united in a mission or “calling” to serve others and the world.
  9. Your unconditional love for your partner is like no other. Your partner is likely to have a certain habit, quality, or “baggage” that would be a deal-breaker for you in any other relationship. However, you overlook it or willingly work through it with this partner– no matter what it takes.
  10. You met your partner when one or both of you were in other relationships or otherwise “unavailable.” It’s likely that you met when and where you were least consciously expecting it.
  11.  Either you or your partner feared the power of the twin flame connection and ran from the relationship so as not to feel overwhelmed and/or vulnerable. Years may go by before you are both in the “place” to finally commit fully to the relationship.
  12. The partner who ran from the twin flame relationship finally “wakes up” and realizes the significance. His or her “a-ha” moment comes as the result of a loss, illness, or other personal catastrophe. He or she then comes to terms with the fact that there is no other person or priority more important than the twin partner.
  13. No matter how many times you break up or separate, forces seems to bring you back together. You see the “signs” and reminders of that twin connection everywhere, urging you back together.
  14. Your relationship is characterized by extreme highs and lows, including passion and intense pain you’ve most likely never felt before.
  15. In efforts to harmonize, justify karma, and balance each other, you “push each other’s buttons” and test each other’s limits like no one else has or ever will. Nevertheless, the extreme highs in the relationship consistently get higher.
  16. Friends, family members, and others in your circle can’t relate to the twin flame dramas and always try to get you to move on to someone or something else that seems more logical or better for you “on paper.”
  17. The growth you experience, the lessons you learn, and the person you become in the twin flame relationship are more significant, happen more rapidly, and are more powerful than any other experience or period of growth in your life.
  18. You realize that your previous soul mates or other relationships prepared you for the twin flame reunion. Your twin flame may even have or embody a number of the unusual characteristics or outstanding attributes of your previous mates and soul friends.
  19. You feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life for this person. When you look back at your life, you see illnesses, sabotaged relationships, or other situations that  manifested because you were still waiting and still looking for “the one.”
  20. Even if you are extremely tired of 3 dimensional existence here on earth, you heal, evolve, mature, and continue to live– just to stay with your twin flame partner.
  21. You are an “old soul” and this is your last human experience.
  22. The more that you and your twin partner spend time together, the more rapidly and completely you awaken to higher consciousness.
  23. You have a deep knowing that your twin partner is your destiny– not just in this lifetime, but also when you ascend, return “home,” and are reunited for eternity.

I know this must sound so silly to a good chunk of you, but I’m sick of shying away from this spiritual stuff that I love reading about and meditating about. Mediation as gotten me so far and has healed me so much. Even if this stuff is just silly at the end of the day I don’t care because I’m closer to knowing myself then half the population out there.

I do worry if I will meet my Twin Flame in this life. Maybe I will….maybe I won’t. Sometimes I sit here and worry….more I try to make peace with the idea that I’m not going to meet anyone, I’m not going to get married and I’m not going to find the love I’m looking for. I’ve started to make peace with this idea. But I fear I can’t live like that, it psychically hurts my chest when I think like that. But I also feel like everyone meets me and crushes on me then turns and walks out the door but they realize what I have been keeping from myself for years now. I want someone, I’m looking for a relationship, I’m looking for that one love. I need to stop kidding myself. Because it appears every other man [boy] knows this. I need to admit this to myself right now.

“And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight even for a moment.”
–Plato

 

 

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Filed under Alignment:, Beautiful, Cats, Confessions, Dating, Dreams, Hope, Life, Love, Meditation, Thankful, thoughts, trust, universe

Pull it together Sally

I almost cried at the first coffee shop I was at this morning. I’m onto my second coffee shop and I’m crying.

It’s amazing that one person can be in a room full of people and no one seems to notice to that one person crying. Don’t get me wrong I rather they not notice me crying and I’m keeping it pretty much concealed.

I decide to text that one guy I’ve been speaking to. I know as soon as Valerie reads this post she’s going to kill me but frankly I could no longer handle it. I can no longer handle this back and forth I’ve been dealing with the moment I hooked-up with him.

I like him, more than my mind and body says I should. Or that high power in your bones that tells you to just move on but you can’t and you’re no entirely sure why but you hang on anyhow.

But after Thrilla and after The one that turned out to be an asshole I just can’t handle this anymore. I was doing just fine without all of this knowing he liked me. Because I emotional can’t this back and forth. This speaking to me one moment and then disappearing the next, between school, Ex baggage, my cat, the lost of friendships and my overall stress of my disability I’ve been carrying around these last few weeks. I can’t handle it.

I’m so overwhelmed

Not sure where I begin and where the rest of me has ended up.

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Filed under Confessions, Feeling Lost, school, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe

Lions, Tigers, Bears and my birth control

Remember how in my more recent posts I spoke about how I just found out they [the stupid birth control making people] “the manufacturer’s” stopped manufacturer  my brand of birth control “Loestrin 24” aka the birth control I always accidentally call “Lustrine” [God Damn my life]

So the wonderful birth control making people decided to make “Minestrin.” It’s the same damn thing, but you can chew this one, which I say, “WHAT THE FUCK?!” “NO.” I do not want to chew my pill. First have you ever seen a pill before? They are so small and second I’ve been taking them since I was 17 years old, I think I got this shit on lock down. Expect for that time one pill fell down the sink but that’s why I no longer take them near sink like drains now but still I think I’m good to go!

I even told my roommate Valerie, “Watch before we know it they will have birth control in gummy form.” And she replies, “OMG I WOULD I LOVE TO TAKE THOSE!”

So my doctor was out-of-town until Thursday, then they call and tell me I have to find out what my health insurance covers and I’m like, “umm so you don’t even care what I take?!” So I tell them I’ve already check so they are like, “Oh ok we will send it off.”  Then I get a text on Thursday. Oh boy! My birth control is at the pharmacy in California! So I had to call two pharmacist and thank goodness the lady working there is a normal human and understands where I’m coming from.

All thursday though I have been uncontrollably crying at everything! You see if I’m even off by a few hours of taking my pills my body freaks out and well I cry at shit like this:

Shit I was crying about for hours: Valerie comes home and finds me crying on our porch and I go in how they call this bear, lion and tiger trio the “BLT” I can’t stop crying and she’s like, “Oh my God Sally!”

#BLT

And now its friday, I finally got a call to come pick up my pills at CVS! Hallelujah! Then as I’m walking out of CVS I walk past the all the cards and I see these Boofle cards and I have to rush out of the store before I start to cry again! OH MY GOD WHATS WRONG WITH ME! I NEED MY PILLS!

As I’m sitting at the local coffee shop I visit almost everyday I’m about to take my pills, because I am lady and a lady takes her birth control next to a bunch of strangers drinking coffee and reading The Da Vinci Code because clearly they made a life choice this morning too.

THEN I REALIZE!!! I HAVEN’T TAKEN MY PILLS IN SIX DAYS! I call the pharmacist again and they tell me to start this Sunday, so I have to go through this crying hell for another few days! And of course use other forms of protection for a while and I should have just told her over the phone, “Oh ok.”  But what I did say was, “Oh I haven’t had sex since May and that’s not changing anytime soon, so its all good.”

Looks like I’m going to be crying a lot this week.

This is worst then the time I cried every time I saw this commercial: Budweiser Clydesdale Commercial, Super Bowl 2013  

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Filed under Being a woman, funny, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, Struggles, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, universe, WTF?

Maybe I’ll blame the Moon

There must have been a full moon last week, because everything seemed to happen all at once, my past decided to catch up with the present and smack me into a different future then I intended. It’s almost impossible to go everything that happened to me last week, so I will do my best to go chronically day by day. (hopefully this will clear my mind)

Sunday Morning 9/1/13

I called out, “The one that just wants to be a fuck buddy.” Found out from a source that I wasn’t invited to a party because he didn’t want me there. I was furious to say the least. Here is a guy, who not only has just tried to get into my pants, talk about my body parts in a derogatory way, but a guy who is also still seeing is ex and I hear they are planning to move in together. Which leads him to decide to tell friends not to invite me to parties because he doesn’t want to run into me. So I sent him a lovely message, albeit I was a little drunk when I sent it, which I tend to avoid but in these matters I was fend up. This message lends to him trying to play dumb, which lend to him realizing I knew a lot and wasn’t going to back down, which lead to him profusely apologizing to me and trying to make peace with me. So at least now he won’t stop me from seeing the people I care about. (Asshole)

Sunday night 9/1/13

My ex, the one that turned out to be an asshole text me. *Background story* Ran into at a bar downtown, he tried to say to me and my roommate…it was awkward to say the least. Then I get a text message from him, decided to text back which leads to a series of I’m so sorry, It didn’t hit me what I did to you until I saw you at the bar, told me he knows he’s an ass for just bailing on me, just leaving me there, doesn’t know why he did it and many more “I’m sorry” after an already fifty text out. Now I was going to meet up with him, because let’s be honest, an up front apologize means much more, but this has yet to happen. Until then…

Tuesday Early Morning 1am 9/3/13

A new guy enters into the already long list of “confusing me.” I think I’m going to call him, “The one that has a thing for red hair,” because he’s mentioned my hair to me numerous times. He finally moved closer, we have been speaking to each other on and off for sometime now and I decided to be spontaneous for once and drive all the way to this other city, umm about 40 minute drive to lay on an abandoned road between soy beans and corn and make out and other various things. He also happens to be the first guy I’ve done stuff with that is “waiting till marriage” that was new for me. I’m very attracted to him, nice personality. It’s just this encounter left me unsure of what he wants from me.

Wednesday 9/4/13

Met with my professor about my chapbook. He really loved it, told me a few things to fix up with the order of things  but he could tell I’ve been working all summer on my poetry. Glad to be back working with my professors on my work and have them pushing me to submit my work.

Side note: It’s amazing how far I’ve come, it hasn’t been a year yet since I started writing and look how far I have come?! It’s exciting and I know I have so much growing to do still!

Thursday Early Morning 2am 9/5/13

Met with, “The one that’s got a thing for red hair.” Yes that’s right, I drove all the way to see him and to lay in the same field again. It was wonderful to lay with someone, outside, in a location that was clearly trespassing. definitely did “stuff” but left this encounter feeling even more unsure of him and I have that deep feeling inside of me again, that feeling that speaks, “he’s just using you for your body and to get pleasure…there is nothing more there.” I believe this to be true. I’m very disappointed because I thought he would be different.

Friday 9/6/13

Besides the guy problem, I’ve been getting into little fights with my best friend, nothing huge. I think we are both just very emotional and stressed about a lot of things. Plus I haven’t told her the main thing that has been wrapping my stomach into notches on a bedpost…I’m feeling very lonely. I miss having someone, a man to lay in bed with, to wrap his arms around me and snuggle with me. This definitely is a stress I haven’t admitted to anyone. Went to a party, saw The one that turned out to be an asshole,” ended the night with crying in my bedroom, writing and trying to make sense of everything.

Saturday 9/7/13

This was the day the universe decided to give me a giant bear hug, kiss my forehead while saying, “Everything’s going to be ok.” This came in the form of the fact that my roommate need to drive over to this one random shop across town, almost didn’t want to go but I did any how, so it definitely became one of those moments where the universe wants you to be in a certain location at a certain time. There was a car show going on, so that kept my roommate and I there a little longer. As we were walking I was the first to look up at the sky, why? I’m not sure, had a feeling I suppose but I looked up and I saw this:

The day the Universe gave me hope

This was the moment I realize that universe was trying to comfort me. Now I could be wrong and just being a crazy person searching for hope in the clouds but this is what i want to believe, because I saw it first and I felt something different then what I normally do when gazing up at a beautiful sky.

This became a hope, a reminder that everything is going to be ok. I will find love, I will be happy someday and this too shall pass. Of course the cheesiest of the thoughts, don’t forget to remember there is beauty in the rain and like what I teach my high school students, even a flower needs rainy days.

I don’t know if there was a full moon this last week or not that caused everything and everyone in my life to burst onto the scene and build a never-ending emotional battle with myself but one thing I do know for sure…the sky that Saturday blue were the same color as my eyes and the pinks intertwined with hues of my red hair.

Song I’ve fallen in love with: Departure and Farewell by Hem 

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Filed under Asshole, Beautiful, Being a woman, Feeling Lost, universe

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m just a horny redhead

Its been a stressful week to say the least, but after a margarita, an excellent bottle of wine and without sounding too much like an alcoholic, “I’m feeling much better.”

Come to think of it, I did just get my period and without sounding too much as though I’m stereotyping myself but I’m pretty sure I cried this week exactly because of that little red bastard. Especially when I’ve ended up crying at the end of each movie I’ve watched this week. FYI Sally’s body: Jaws should not make you cry.

Last night I fell asleep to a guided sleep and positive thoughts meditation. Which lead to vivid dreams and of course I only remember a few details that I can write out on paper and actually look up on Dream Dictionary. I remember walking into a large, beautiful hotel. I remember just being on the jungle cruise and now I’m in this beautiful room with five other women, that I don’t know and there are these toys in the main room. They almost seem to be Disney themed toys in some ways, so I remember thinking I must be at a Disneyland hotel. These are the toy animals I remember seeing and also thanks to Dream Dictionary I’ve heard their explanation of what it all means.

    1. Giraffe: To see a giraffe in your dream suggests that you need to consider the overall picture. Take a broader view on your life and where it is headed. The dream may serve to indicate how you are “sticking your neck out” for someone.
    2. Hippopotamus: To see a hippopotamus in your dream symbolizes your aggressive nature and your hidden strengths. You have more influence and power than you realize. Alternatively, it indicates that you are being territorial. Perhaps someone is overstepping their boundaries.
    3. Lion: To see a lion in your dream symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents dignity, royalty, leadership, pride and domination. You have much influence over others. You also need to exercise some restraint in your own personal and social life. Alternatively, a lion represents your need for control over others. You have to be in charge.

Other aspects of the dream I remember wearing this gorgeous long light silver dress, so I looked up the color silver because it was a big aspect to me in this dream.

    1. Silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy.

What these colors, animals and dreams mean to me…I don’t know, but I do think these images, colors, animals do represent aspects of emotions I’m going through.

It’s important to note I’ve had another long conversation with an old friend. Trying to understand the root of the problem with not only work but with relationships.

I have a fear of being betrayed, from the people closest to me. I constantly live in fear of people using me, and getting up and leaving. After this month I have not been convinced otherwise

Hoping my dreams will clear everything up.

In my dreams

 

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Filed under Dreams, Help, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, universe