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Transition

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  • I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
  • There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.

And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness

  • I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
  • I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
  • When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.

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Filed under Dating, Disability, Friends, Home, Life, Love, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Teachers, thoughts

Sally, Go Home (For Christmas)

E.T.-Phone-Home

This is me trying to be clever…

The five love languages

This guy was reading a book about the 5 love languages.

It came as bit of a shock. I suppose a lot of other people are interested in that short of thing and I guess I just assumed the guy reading the book on the airplane would never be into that short of thing.

The five languages of love:

  • Quality Time
  • Gifts
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service
  • Words of Affirmation

Quality time and physical touch are definitely both the biggest components I need in a relationship. I would also say a bit of words of affirmations as well, but that’s more due to all the guys I’ve currently had a thing with. They have now made this “language” more apart of my life.

I ordered cranberry apple on the airplane. It took all my strength to not order Coke, but I haven’t order Soda on a flight in years, I’ve learned when you ask for drinks, like apple juice, cranberry or tomato juice they give you the whole can. I’ve also learned that when you fly on a smaller plane they tend to not have apple juice. For some reason unknown to me, they never have apple juice, like they ran out on the last flight or apples are few and far between. So I order Cranapple, but did I get the whole can? Nope. And this flight isn’t even that full! I also ate a snickers bar. OHH!! Half way through writing this post the flight attendant came back around and refilled my drink! *I really enjoy me some Cranapple

I still can’t grasp the fact that I’m going to home already. I’m only going to be in town for about two weeks and I wish I had decided to stick around a bit longer but I do need to get back to the Midwest early and focus on my chapbook, last of my classes and memorize my poetry tour set. Wish I could be home longer, but it’s also important that I focus on my poetry and really kick my work into high gear during the New Year.

Ever sense my huge break-up a year ago it’s always really weird to fly home and visit. I’ve been away for so long now it’s like stepping into another world. Especially when I have so many wonderful friends back in the Midwest now. It’s also odd because every time I head home I can feel the changes happening throughout my life. This year so much has happened to me (silly me, that happens every year to everyone)

I went through A LOT of men. Dating, hook-ups, sex and the douche-bags of the millennium.

My kitty-cat passed away I love her very much and I will miss her for the rest of my life.

I found poetry. I met a wonderful professor who really lead me to my voice and has been guiding me and editing my work for almost a year now. I almost cried on Saturday during the final class because I only have one more semester to work with him. I’m very sad knowing this, because he’s helped me so much. More then just poetry, he’s also helped understand my strengths and weakness in all aspects of writing that no one else has helped me with before. I am so grateful.

I lost a friendship. I thought Tina and I would become lifetime best friends. I’m very sad this friendship fell apart but this issue has also reminded me that when I have best friends who are willing to put things aside and talk things out. Tina never truly did this. She patched up a hole in my friendship with her and never even tried with Valerie. Patches have a way of falling apart. You can’t always just keep repairing them and then walking away. I want my best friends to be able to step up when things have gone wrong. I want a best friends who don’t want the friendship to end, so they will do anything to make sure it doesn’t fall apart. Tina has been revealed to be two faced. I’m sadden to realize her friendship with Valerie did seem to mean enough to her. But that’s life. Some friends come and go. I’m thankful for the friends that have stuck around in my life.

I finally miss my job. I really miss the high school and every time I see them it’s never the same. But the kids help. The kids getting excited when they see me, makes me excited and makes me miss being around. I fear I won’t end up in my dream job. I fear I won’t become the head coach. The only thing I can do it put my head down, work my ass off and hope that this fear never comes true.

I’m extremely exhausted. Not sleeping for weeks has finally kicked in. I cannot wait to finally get some well deserved rest. I can’t wait to take a bath! I miss baths, because soaking my neck, back and knees feels so wonderful. Poor sore muscles are dying for some bath time.

I can’t wait to see my friends when I get home. I miss them all to pieces and I need some catch up time!

Note* I don’t think I’m going to be having sex anytime soon. From what I’ve witness the last week or so it’s clear he’s moved onto other…well I don’t know onto what but clearly I’m no longer on option of any short. And this is for the best…lets be real I don’t need anymore hooking up. Ugh I hate no sex and no relationship. It’s like I’m on a stupid diet or something. But shit no more for me…just real cake from now on. Or cookies!

Another adventures, more moments of luck, tears, food, family and friends.

Here’s to changing some more in these next two weeks of my life. I would say I’m nervous, very excited and filled with joy but all I can feel right now is how sleepy I’m feeling. Also I have to Tab a high school tournament this Saturday. That’s going to be a long day, but sushi afterwards and downtown!

I’m home…here we go

 

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It’s been rough, Zombie rough

Zombie

I sang in a show on Saturday! Badass zombie make-up

My poetry has been rather frustrating lately. Not the poetry’s fault, but I do blame all my class work and certain events that have taken place that have really put a damper on my work. Which sucks because I have a huge contest deadline on Thursday and I’m not too happy with the product I have right now. I haven’t had a lot of people willing to go through my stuff and I haven’t had the time to write and it’s very much effecting my moods. Lets hope this mood goes away soon.

I had to deal with some assholes last week. The mens club that goes on without the poetry community is one of the worst ones out there. No my name is not baby and you’re a pig for not only performing drunk, for thinking your shit is gold but especially for rubbing up against women. (More on this later maybe.

(SCHOOL IS A BITCH AND A HALF)

I must confess I have been struggling with posting this last week and I have so much to say now I feel like this post may be rather too long but FUCK IT!

The one that wants to be the fuck-buddy emailed me a second time and sent me a friend request. GO AWAY! He has been nothing but drama in my life and I don’t need any more of that in my life.

Virgin Cornfield guy called me out of the blue tonight. Which was funny because I was crying. He told me I could come over lay down and just fall asleep, you know get away. Which I was rather tempted to, because comfort right now is something I’m dying for, but i know this is something I need to get through without needing someone. Plus he’s not the guy I want comforting me.

THAT guy (the one I really like right now) seems to have stop speaking to me. I know I could be over doing it, so what if he hasn’t text me in three days. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the fact that he’s bailed so many times before this just worries me even more. He just has promised so much these last few days and out of no where just kind of stopped speaking to me. I’m so sensitive to stuff right now and this is just going to drive me rather crazy, especially since we kissed the last week. For all I know he’s changed his mind. (Not sure what to do)

The hardest thing to deal with at the moment…my kitty cat back at home in California is not doing so hot. She’s 20 years old and she’s been my bestest little friend for these last 20 years now. My mom keeps sending me these cute little texts and stuff, like they took her into the vet today and my mom texts me she’s a tough old cat and a fighter. I don’t think she’s going to be around much longer, but if I am to be honest I rather not be home when she decides its time to go. I know I must sound rather silly, because some people don’t care for cats every much or think well it’s only an animal.

But I don’t think it’s silly. She’s my best friend, she was there when my doggy was hit by a car, she was there during the moments I felt so stupid and struggled each time in school. She was there after each break ups. She was always there and she’s always been there for me. It’s hard to think I won’t have that little cat in my corner for much longer. She’s the last of my childhood pets and my God I’m going to miss her to pieces when she’s gone and I think that may be happening pretty soon. (I’m Praying for you Kitty cat) I wish I could give her one last hug, but she knows I love her.

Adele: Make you feel my love

God, I need a pick me up after these last few weeks.
I’m burnt out and about to give up.

And I hope my writing picks up too

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Being a woman, Cats, Dreams, Feeling Lost, Help, Home, Love, My kitty cat, my writing, poetry, school, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts

Closed For the Season? (Condoms and other miscellaneous items on my dresser)

Cali (Home)

Sitting on a departing American Airlines flight that will be heading towards California in a matter of minutes, I look out the window. The terminal slowly moves out of view and my fingers curl over plastic arm rests, my heart races and only one thought comes to mind, “shit I should have had sex last night.” What follows can only be describe as the aftermath of a late night party foul. I continue to repeat in my mind, “well there goes sex for a while, and what were you thinking Sally!” With realization setting in, I begin to feel like a recovering heron addict.

I’m rethinking this whole “Closed for season.”

“Closed for Season” Basically means I’ve chosen to compare myself as hunting season. Or like one of my close friends pointed out could mean snow season for snowboarding, skiing, etc.

I’m at that point of the hunting season where everyone is not aloud to hunt. Which allows all the deer to mate, have little Bambi deers and live happily ever after…until Bambi’s mother gets her head blown off by “man” entering the forest. This metaphor seems to make sense up until the multiplying of deer and the head blown off is a bit much…

“Closed for Season” this where I’ve been the past three weeks. Well until Monday….

 Confession number one: I had sex Monday night. With a previous hook-up from last fall. The random drunk hook-up, where I kind of remember. This time I remembered more…cool. This guy is definitly just a hook-up for me. We do get along, we are friends and we have a good time but this one is clearly and always will be just sex, which I’m %100 ok with. Why am I ok with just sex with this one? I don’t think I will ever really understand or answer this question clearly. I have no answer here.

Confession number two: I met up with another past hook-up Tuesday night. We didn’t have sex and that was definitely a struggle for me. Because this guy….oh hot damn does he know what to do. Also I’m pretty positive he could be reading this…..and I know I had sex with someone on Monday and didn’t have sex with you last night. I know exactly what you would say to me, so no need to say it. haha. (This is directed to you, “Damn your good at what your do, so don’t give me that, because it was really hard to not have sex and I can’t say I won’t when I get back to Peoria two months from now.”) haha

Why have a chosen to not have sex with certain people and ok with others?

Reason number one: The guy I slept with on Monday, like I’ve said before, he is just a hook up. I have no other conncetion then a hook-up from him.

 Other guys: After the asshole and bruiser, I have been feeling very used.

(Used isn’t my favorite word in this instance, but it’s the best word to describe the situation.) More so after asshole but bruiser hasn’t left me much hope when it comes to guys too, but I thought that even if asshole and I hadn’t worked out, we would have still became friends. Of course he preferred to disappear all together.

This has left me filling used, slutty and very alone. Now left here with guys, that are friends as well but I carry the same fear of being used for sex.  This is what I feel with this guy. I’m not saying a have any huge feelings for him, because I barley know him, but I have ended liking him more then a fuck and leave situation. Believe me, this was the last thing I ever imagenie would happen with this guy. Never even thought about sleeping with him. But I am, laying in his bed, in his shower making out and it has been a long time since I’ve enjoyed kissing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this turned on from kissing in a long time.

The fingers through my hair, the kissing of my neck. *Biggest turn on for me* And the kissing of my breast *yet another huge turn on* it’s been a long time since I’ve really just enjoyed these moments, this pre-sex bliss. Then came the moment I decided not to have sex with him. Simply I fear to be used again for sex. I want to know I matter more to someone, even if that is just a good friend.

 Craving deep in my heart right now you be held, to matter to someone.

To see all my guy friends, the way they speak about their girlfriends, the way they speak about the woman they are seeing. Telling me how beautiful she is, how amazing the sex is, how hot she are, how sweet, loving, and how extraordinary talented and bright she is. Geez, I don’t think I have ever had a man say all those wonderful things to others about me or say all those wonderful things to my face.

That’s what I want.

I want to hear wonderful things about me:

About my eyes, hair, hands, freckles, back dimples, my finger prints

 I know I am beautiful. I know I am talented beyond my wildest dreams.  I know I am a sweet, nice girl. I know all these things. Sometimes though, a girl wants to hear it from a guy. Who will look at her so deeply that she feels like she is the only one in the room.

I want to be the only one in the room…

This is what I crave right now and this is why I have stopped myself, well most of the time from having sex with certain guys.

So…here I am. Sitting on an airplane thats headed back to California.

Finally realizing something else…this is the second time I’ve been back since my huge break-up with Vanllia thrilla and around April of last year is when this all started, when he started cheating on me with this other woman. This is when everything in my life kicked into first gear.

This is when my life began to change, before I even knew it.

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Filed under Confessions, Dating, Home, Life, Love, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, Struggles