Category Archives: WTF?

Grapefruit your man

So my wonderful friend Candice sent me this funny as shit Youtube video.

There are no words

I was really trying to think of my own comments to this video but there are no words for this video. just watch it and you’ll understand.

Thank you Candice for showing me funny ass video

I’m sure I’ll never look at a grapefruit the same again.

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Filed under FOOD, funny, WTF?

Doubtful

I’m in one of those moods.

Feeling forever doubtful about poetry and my work.

I’m gradating soon and I have seen so many of my fellow talented writers leave college and to never write again.

I don’t want that to happen to my poems.

But is this a real thing? Many moments throughout my day consist of the thought, am I really good at this whole poetry writing stuff or is everyone just being really nice to me? Because who would say, “Well Sally maybe you should try something else.” This is all I got, I love it, I live for it, it’s what makes me feel better and I am the most happy writing and performing. But how will I make money? How will I get into a great MFA (Full time or low residency)

I want to be the best, but this just never seems to be in the cards for me, well I suppose I just need to dig really deep.

I’m just been so down on myself this week and my work. Maybe it’s the period, maybe the terrible back pain that makes me sleepy and in exhausted. MaybeI’m just facing some hard facts.

I don’t know what else to do but keep writing and performing.

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Filed under Help, Hope, Life, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, venting, WTF?

Stress

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Stress has become a huge player in my everyday life. My mother has always been a very stressed out person and I’m sure I’ve developed some of that stress from growing up around her.

Along with this stress is the terrible pain of my back and neck that has been playing out and its terrible. The amount of medicine I have taken and icy hot on my back has become never-ending and almost placing no effect on making me feel better. My back and neck pain makes everything exhausting and painful. It’s really slowed me down the past few weeks and I’m struggling to keep up.

Friends have become stressful. I love them to pieces but keeping up with everyone’s needs has killed me and stressed me out.

Poetry is always stressful, but I suppose of all the stresses I’m happy and try not to complain about the stresses of writing. More I’m sad my time with my professors is almost over. Of course I have moments of clarity, moments of immense doubt in myself and moments I just want a glass of wine.

But I’m worried because I feel like I’m close to a breaking point, like I’m going to just start crying and freak out. (Great Crazy Sally) I’m trying to prevent this from happening but I’m worried.

Dating stresses me out, more upset at the past, memories I’m ashamed of and the idea that I may never find someone I want to be with. There are plenty that would want to spend their time with me and I’m grateful and flattered but I’m not sure I want any of them. And the more i watch friends find someone and have someone and then the ideas of family members will die, my parents one day will be gone and it will be just me. It really puts everything into perspective the whole meaning behind lovely yourself, because everyday it really is just you. Yes you have friends, family, co-workers and peers but (ok this sounds morbid) but they’re going to die (you’re going to die) or you’ll lose touch with people, realize you no longer work. So its morbid weird thing I’ve been thinking about. Really understanding what loving yourself means.

I think this is where loneliness comes from.

When you have no one. I think this is why many pair off into mates, because it’s no fun feeling lonely and there’s the added plus of kids and passing on a bit of yourself.

Each night I fall asleep and whisper, “I am in love with myself.”

Each day I become more unsure if I ever will find someone who will match up with me, or if I will ever want to match up with someone. For all I know I do with so many but have turned them away because of this gut sick feeling I have towards dating right now. I almost feel sick and don’t want anymore to touch me. To be honest I’m a bit worried what this all means. I hope some of it comes from strength.

I’m pushing the hot showers, the chocolate, watching TV shows, getting more normal sleep than I normally get, like for example its 1:30am and after I post this I’m going to pass out and wake up at 9am. Normally I don’t fall asleep until 3am. I think the sleep and candy is keeping the break down at bay. I’m worried the neck pain is going to push the break down out in the open.

Just need to continue the deep breathing and wine.

And food…lots of food.

Also masturbating here and there. Like I shit you not I was in the middle of writing a paper, got horny, masturbated and then went back to writing.

This is my Life.

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Filed under Back and Neck Pain, Confessions, Dating, Death, Drinking, Family, FML, FOOD, Friends, Help, Hope, Life, Love, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, WTF?

I’ll take this post with a side of bitter and a cup of pissed off

I did one of these awhile ago. I will admit these can be rather trivial, silly and a bit sexist in certain aspects but sometimes a girl just has to set a few rules and expectations.

For most of my young adult, which hasn’t been that long yet I have been silly with the qualities I’m looking for in a man, until recently when I was like, “UGH I”M SICK OF ALL THIS!” (I will purpose the sexist cliché idea that I am bitter and on my period right now.”

(These are blunt, honest and I’m not sorry)

  • No drugs. I’m over the pot smoking, ecstasy and lines of “nose candy” bullshit. You once smoked, fine I don’t care and understand I have a terrible addiction to Dr. Pepper and the TV Show Grey’s Anatomy. We will have our vices, but I’m over dealing with men that use substances to create art, to have fun or to basically get through the day.
  • Drinking too much. Look I’m a fun gal, I get drunk, I enjoy it, shit I write everyday and sometimes a glass of wine is needed. But hearing someone is drinking everyday, three beers a day. I’m sorry but its a turn off. I don’t need to get drunk twice a week. Shit barley once a month to have the craving of, “I wanna get wasted.”
  • Using the word “Ghetto.” I’m over it and done.
  • Not supporting my right of choice. Look if you don’t believe in it, fine that’s your freedom but don’t expect to date me.
  • Grammar correction. Over it. I get it you notice when people have spelling mistakes or grammar issues. You need to get a life and worry about your own language and the lack of quality within it.
  • A man who enjoys cooking, because I’m going to blunt and honest. I don’t cook and I don’t have the patience for it. So it would be lovely to date a man who enjoys cooking.
  • Has a car: for too long have a been the one in the relationship driving us everywhere
  • Who will pay for dinner. Look I’ll buy too but for too long have I been the sole provider of meals. Over it.
  • Dresses like their age.
  • No racist, sexist, homophobic comments
  • I hate “no homo”
  • Calling another women a bitch, slut, the over million derogatory  terms is not ok. If you think about other women like that then how should I expect you to picture me or women in my life.
  • Saying things about me like, too fat, too thin. I’m tired of the too much or the not enough.
  • If they are in love with an art form, oh gosh that be lovely. I haven’t date many artists. More the frat boys, the runners and a few choir boys.
  • I love when someone has future goals and aspirations but whats more attractive  is when someone actually achieves their dreams and goals. I’ve dated too many men that have spat on about “going back to school” “getting that place to live” blah blah blah Stop talking and go out and get what you want.
  • I hate,  I HATE when a guy asks me why all my poetry is so angry. Gosh that’s so rude.
  • Have a passion and love it to pieces
  • Don’t dislike the TV show Friends. Regardless if you’re a fan or not. It’s such a red flag when you have such a hate for it. What did the TV ever do to you? Oh that’s right you must not have a soul.
  • Turn off #1 when a guy says, “I hate books.”  I’m fine if you’re not a fan but if you can’t tell me one book you enjoyed reading, like Harry Potter even…then we have a problem!
  • When men post pictures of naked women on their Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or anywhere! Ugh I hate it. Nasty.
  • Not having a career
  • Too much video game playing. I don’t mind the video game playing here and there but when that’s all you do…I’m sorry just not going to work for me.
  • They have their own set of friends and spend time with them. I think of it as a red flag when a guy really just goes to work, home and well that’s it. They have no one else in their life.
  • Talking down to me
  • Acting like you are Gods gift to art, ugh I know a few of these boys in my workshops *yuck*
  • When men use the phrase “ugh i hate academia” First of all if you’re using academia you are in academia. And whats wrong with the pursuit of education, but that’s going to be another post
  • Don’t tell me you’re not good enough for me, because I’ll realize, “hmm you’re right…see yea!”

Ok this is all I could think of and I’m not as bitter not that I have had wine and ice cream but I’ll think of more!

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Filed under Asshole, Confessions, Dating, for fun, List, single girl problems, What do you want in a man, WTF?

It hurts to move my jaw….how will I give blow jobs now? AHHHH!

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Tonight while I was trying to enjoy my soup and pizza Valerie made I noticed my jaw started to really hurt when I tried to open my mouth really wide. After awhile I started to notice my side of my jaw was really hurting. This really sucks. I’ve had years of jaw pain. It’s never as bad as this feels in the moment. Now I will admit after years of blow jobs I’ve noticed more and more the pain I experience from giving them can be very bad, especially when a blow job takes centuries.

Which is also unfortunate because I enjoy giving blow jobs and I’m well aware that I’m good a giving blow jobs.

Also I love food. I love to chew food.

This jaw pain is killing me…

Lets hope I don’t have to go see a doctor. That’s all I need more mouth surgery. Plus what would I say? “Hey doc. can you patch me up so I can get back to what I do best?” Or “yeah I know doctor…I’ve given too many blow jobs. I’ll stop to save the jaw. Can I get a doctor’s note?”

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Filed under about me, Dating, FOOD, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, universe, WTF?

The dick

This weekend was a reminder of past pain that I though I was almost over with. But triggers have a way of going off and within seconds your laying on a crying in tears struggling to breathe about all the pain you’ve endeared. I always think about the quote by Joan Didion.

“I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with everything we lose.” 

Last night all the way till noon today I spoke to a guy I was starting to really like. Lets call him “the dick.” Not because his penis was large or anything, he just ended up being a dick.

I found out he not only has a girlfriend but I’m pretty sure they have been together for years now. He came over, we talked for a long time about everything throughout our lives. I guess we didn’t want to focus on the real issue at hand.

Which we eventually ended up on, which of course ends exactly how anyone would expect it to. He loves his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to give up on that. Yes, he does really like me. But let’s be honest whenever does someone really leave their relationship for a “like.” Ok, maybe my ex did that. But most guys aren’t going to leave their girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is also his fiancé.

It was terrible this morning. Absolutely an awful morning. I will never see him again. I mean of course I’ll probably run into him downtown here and there. Which will be awful and of course Valerie will murder him each time she runs into him.

I cried, slept for three hours, eat some food. And I’m feeling much better. It amazing how easily I can move on more and more now. Will I break down a few more times? Yeah, I probably will. Will this fill up another piece of baggage for me. Of course.

But later today everything seemed to changed. The universe of something is looking out for me because everything shifted to a much better day. A bunch of people I haven’t spoken to in a while spoke to me. A few will be in town next week and I cannot wait to be back home for a little bit and enjoy friends and family. I’m so so thankful that something is watching out for in the world. I have never felt more safe and so full of comfort.

Thank you

It gives me hope.

 
Now “the dick” is just distant memory of how terrible men can be and the test that I made sure that I never do what was done to me. I could have continued on with fooling around with him, but that’s not ok. I told him he should tell her too. To be honest I don’t think he will. I don’t think that’s ok. He will be another lesson, another pain and another reminder that I do deserve better and i will find someone who is going to be so lucky to have something like me in their life and I’m going to be so lucky to have a man someday in my life who is going to give me all the love and care I deserve. 
 

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Hope, Life, single girl problems, thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar

Saturday was one of the most refreshing nights I’ve had in a while. Especially since this night almost didn’t even happen.

I was rather stressed on Saturday and after a weeks worth of life choices ranging from naked in the wrong bed, hang over Wednesday and having to let go of a guy I thought could have been something more than just friends.

From crying in the shower, to still being drunk at 8am on Wednesday it was definitely hell last week. Saturday night going out didn’t seem like the best of ideas, especially with all the poetry I have to memorize and papers I feel behind in.

My friend Alicia invited me to go out to this bar, let call it “Navy Blue.” At first I said, “no, I’m working on a bunch of stuff.” Then some divine feeling, or maybe I was just thirsty ripped to me and I text her back, ‘you know what, yeah come pick me up.” After drinking with Alicia and three other couples, Valerie finally arrived. “THANK GOD!” Too many couples. You know those couples that all just want to hold each other and buy each other drinks and talk about couple things, so when you throw in a “guess who I spelt with this week!?” Then they just stare at you.

Now I told Alicia I was only going out to Navy Blue for drinks but the rest of the group was planning on going out to this “Irish bar.” Again this “spirit” deep down inside me was like, “ahh, Fuck it…LETS go!”

For the majority of the night sitting at this large table you could see the three couples and then to the right, “the single bitches.” Proudly objecting the men who decided to come into the bar in power ranger costumes, “dat ass!” Fast forward a few hours, Alicia catches her eyes on a very good-looking guy. Valerie, Alicia and I are a very bad combination drinking and horny as shit. We walk by them to get drinks and I’m not going to go into detail about the secret skills it takes to get a guy attention.

Oh wait….we’re good looking…..so it took nothing….I just had to flip my red hair and smile.

Two free drinks later we are joking with this creepy old man at the bar who happens to have two belly buttons! His name is Horseshoe. I shit you not and he told my friend Alicia that, “her cleavage looks like a midget’s butt crack.”

Eventually these three good-looking guys, who are very tall (that’s important during these economic times) invited us back to their house. We went, because why the fuck not. Of course Valerie made me promise we must all go home together.

These three guys names shall be: “He likes to party,” “Batman” and “In my pants.”

So after a game of Cards Against Humanity and King’s cup.

During King’s cup Alicia decides its best to make the rule that at the end of every sentence you have to end, “In my pants.” Of course I’m very drunkenly entertained by this, so is this good-looking guy who makes a point to move next to me. Eventually people step out of the room long enough that we make out and I end up on top of him making out. “Hot,HOT,HOT” ALL THAT IS GREEN ON EARTH I SHOULDN”T HAVE STOPPED HAVING SEX!”

Finally its time to go, it’s 3am and I have to be somewhere by 7am. We all exchange numbers and head home. Of course In my pants guys and I text till 4am and then I passed out. Next day we text a lot, he makes it very clear he wants to see me again. I definitely do, even if this just ends up being a hook-up.

Then like every great moment I’ve been having these past few weeks, reality comes crashing in. Now I cannot confirm and deny this, but for what I’ve gathered. In my pants guy may not only have a girlfriends but they are engaged! Now from the information I have I could be %100 off, but I don’t know if I’m wrong or right. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Valerie asked me what I’m going to do and I told her I’m going to do what I never got. I’m going to back away, I didn’t know and now I do, so I’m not going to add more damage to a relationship that’s obviously not working out anymore. That’s their mess, not mine and I don’t want to dive deeper into the pain that will eventually surface.

And of course I never want to be the other women.

I must confess though, it’s hard to not want to text him and just hook up with him. I will always have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That, “someone did this to me so why not?”

I also wonder if this is the universe testing me, like what would I do if the roles were resivse. Wondering if I would keep to my word and feelings towards cheating. I believe this was a lesson and test the universe was putting me through. Or maybe I’m saying this to make myself feel better about when i was cheated on twice, by two different guys.

of course I never would cheat or be involved in cheating. I went through far too much and I still deal with that betrayal. For the rest of my life my ex-boyfriend cheating on me will forever be a deep scar that I will carry around and I don’t want to know I ever caused others pain. So I will back away, especially until I find out the truth.

I’m not going to lie though. I’m pretty bummed. I thought I was finally getting somewhere in dating. So now I just want to give up on dating and become pie.

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Life would be easier to just be pie.

I’m going to admit it here if it’s not already crystal clear. I want a relationship. More than the drunk sex, the confused back and forth guys and the ones in relationships or the ones who can’t let go. I want a best friend again. It’s been so long since I’ve had someone I was in a inmate relationship with someone who was my best friend.

I’m slowly giving up on finding someone. I’m beginning to come to the terms more and more each day that maybe I was never really meant to meet someone, be with someone and fall in love in the ways I have day dreamed about for years.

Because as of right now, no man “boy” can handle being with a woman like me.

So I’ll just eat some pie.

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Filed under Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Friends, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, single girl problems, This would happen to me (funny), thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?