Category Archives: Friends

Limbo In the Midwest

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I’m restless at the moment. With one paper, journals and one more exam between me and undergrad graduation. My parents will be in town shortly and then I’ll be road-tripping. All sound fun and all are stressing me out.

I’m looking into two manuscript submissions and I’m not sure what to turn into who. Which is stressful. Maybe I’ll get this last paper done tonight so I can put together two chapbooks I would be happy to send out.

I hate and love moving. I hate taking down my good feeling energy. I can already feel it. But I love the idea of change and moving onto a new life. Especially since I’ve lived in this same house for two years now. It’s time to move onto new things (I’m not going to say adventures because…stupid) So the idea of fresh places, a change of scenery sounds wonderful but I hate cleaning, packing, cleaning, hot weather and the never-ending of packing boxes and trying to lift heavy boxes. Which just turns into my ass in the air, loud sounds, cussing and getting no where. (Like bad sex)

Road trip should be fun. I just can’t wait to get over the planning and packing for that as well. Especially because I’m doing most of it. Everyone is so busy it’s hard to meet up with them to work out things and if I don’t get it done…it won’t get done.

So here I am.

But I’m excited because I’ll be in my favorite National Park for my birthday!

Zion!! AHHHHH

But I’m ready. Ready to get home and start making my next move.

I can only take two more weeks of limbo before I say, “fuck this!”

 

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Filed under Friends, good energy, Home, Hope, House, My house, stressed out, venting

Transition

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  • I’m disappointed in a few of my poet friends. (Should I be surprised?) No. That’s how artist can be sometimes and Speech and debate performers for that matter, so I’m use to this disappointment. I must remind myself, that it’s their loss and they are artist who do not want their career to grow like mine. So fuck it!
  • There’s this perpetual feeling that swings back and forth in my chest. I am far too busy for a relationship, to give myself to a man. But then there is that sinking feeling. Watching others pair up and I just feel like that unicorn in my childhood Noah’s ark book, sitting alone on a rock, watching the water climb up. I know its morbid but what happens when all my family dies, when uncles and aunts are gone, when my parents leave this life? I’m starting to understand the true need to find someone and it’s kind of sad all around. That we cannot fathom being alone so we must pair up with another, settle for someone else to create our happiness instead of it being the other way around. I think about my professor and how he says how thankful he is for his wife and all the shows she goes to with him. And I don’t have that. Not right now anyways. But then it begs the question, do I want to settle? No.

And so continues the never-ending cycle and the thoughts of loneliness

  • I’m moving soon. Leaving the midwest (for now) and returning to California. Going to teach high school, coach some speech and work on my writing. I’m nervous to leave all my friends and a city that has been so good to me. But it’s time. Time to try a bigger stage for my poetry. I’m ready for this. (I hope)
  • I had a nice chat with my poetry professor yesterday. He spoke some wonderful words to me about my work and how I will make a wonderful teacher. (I needed that) As you’ll (who read) notice I’ve been a bit down on myself and my work. I need a boost, because I was really doubting my work recently. Today I’m feeling better. I’m working on a poem that means a lot to me and I’m hoping to have it done for workshop tomorrow.
  • When I return home to California I’ll be 25-years-old. I’m transiting into who I will be for the rest of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 9-year-old Sally would have never thought I would end up here. A writer, an English major and almost done with school. But thinking about grad school. These were once just silly dreams of mine, from a “special kid.” I don’t feel disable very often.

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Filed under Dating, Disability, Friends, Home, Life, Love, my writing, poetry, school, Struggles, Teachers, thoughts

Stress

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Stress has become a huge player in my everyday life. My mother has always been a very stressed out person and I’m sure I’ve developed some of that stress from growing up around her.

Along with this stress is the terrible pain of my back and neck that has been playing out and its terrible. The amount of medicine I have taken and icy hot on my back has become never-ending and almost placing no effect on making me feel better. My back and neck pain makes everything exhausting and painful. It’s really slowed me down the past few weeks and I’m struggling to keep up.

Friends have become stressful. I love them to pieces but keeping up with everyone’s needs has killed me and stressed me out.

Poetry is always stressful, but I suppose of all the stresses I’m happy and try not to complain about the stresses of writing. More I’m sad my time with my professors is almost over. Of course I have moments of clarity, moments of immense doubt in myself and moments I just want a glass of wine.

But I’m worried because I feel like I’m close to a breaking point, like I’m going to just start crying and freak out. (Great Crazy Sally) I’m trying to prevent this from happening but I’m worried.

Dating stresses me out, more upset at the past, memories I’m ashamed of and the idea that I may never find someone I want to be with. There are plenty that would want to spend their time with me and I’m grateful and flattered but I’m not sure I want any of them. And the more i watch friends find someone and have someone and then the ideas of family members will die, my parents one day will be gone and it will be just me. It really puts everything into perspective the whole meaning behind lovely yourself, because everyday it really is just you. Yes you have friends, family, co-workers and peers but (ok this sounds morbid) but they’re going to die (you’re going to die) or you’ll lose touch with people, realize you no longer work. So its morbid weird thing I’ve been thinking about. Really understanding what loving yourself means.

I think this is where loneliness comes from.

When you have no one. I think this is why many pair off into mates, because it’s no fun feeling lonely and there’s the added plus of kids and passing on a bit of yourself.

Each night I fall asleep and whisper, “I am in love with myself.”

Each day I become more unsure if I ever will find someone who will match up with me, or if I will ever want to match up with someone. For all I know I do with so many but have turned them away because of this gut sick feeling I have towards dating right now. I almost feel sick and don’t want anymore to touch me. To be honest I’m a bit worried what this all means. I hope some of it comes from strength.

I’m pushing the hot showers, the chocolate, watching TV shows, getting more normal sleep than I normally get, like for example its 1:30am and after I post this I’m going to pass out and wake up at 9am. Normally I don’t fall asleep until 3am. I think the sleep and candy is keeping the break down at bay. I’m worried the neck pain is going to push the break down out in the open.

Just need to continue the deep breathing and wine.

And food…lots of food.

Also masturbating here and there. Like I shit you not I was in the middle of writing a paper, got horny, masturbated and then went back to writing.

This is my Life.

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Filed under Back and Neck Pain, Confessions, Dating, Death, Drinking, Family, FML, FOOD, Friends, Help, Hope, Life, Love, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, WTF?

Dark Horse

I’ve been having sex since I was a junior in high school (my first time) I think I was 17 years old and I may have been one of the last of my friends to get my period in middle school but I was the first of the group to lose my virginity. Not surprised at all. I was always the more sexual one of the group. The crazy, freaky, fast paced friend who never really slowed down.

It’s been five months since I’ve had sex. This is the longest I have gone without sex since my first time. Between 17 and 24 I was either in a long-term relationship or having a good old-time with groups of different guys. Of course there were moment of dry spells. Little ones though, like four months.

This dry spell has no end in sight. I’m not worried or upset. It’s more of my ongoing joke and something I enjoy talking about.

But don’t you hate it when you tell people you’re going through a dry spell and they try to out do you and tell you they spent even longer not having sex. Like you say, “Oh, its been six months now.” And then someones shots, “oh I went two years.”

What do you want? A slow hand clap? A gold star? Sex from me?

Don’t you also hate those people with statements: Oh, I don’t need sex.I’m asexual. Ha! I think it’s almost insulting to those of us that can admit sexual desires play an integral role in our daily lives. It’s like when you were a little kid playing sports and you cry after getting hit by a basketball and your friend would laugh and shout, “ha I never cry, because I’m tough.”

And you’re like, “um that’s not healthy.” Actually emotionally damaging.”

Also they always seem like they are looking down upon you and you need to get your act together. Ugh I dislike this. Especially from those who don’t even masturbate. These are healthy needs, like wanting pie or smoothies.

Masturbating: Don’t you hate it when you masturbate to a certain song a few times so after that its hard to listen to it in public. I masturbated to Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse” one too many times. Now I live in fear that if it comes on the radio…I may come too…

 

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Filed under Being a woman, Confessions, Friends, funny, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, sex, single girl problems, thoughts

Sally, Go Home (For Christmas)

E.T.-Phone-Home

This is me trying to be clever…

The five love languages

This guy was reading a book about the 5 love languages.

It came as bit of a shock. I suppose a lot of other people are interested in that short of thing and I guess I just assumed the guy reading the book on the airplane would never be into that short of thing.

The five languages of love:

  • Quality Time
  • Gifts
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service
  • Words of Affirmation

Quality time and physical touch are definitely both the biggest components I need in a relationship. I would also say a bit of words of affirmations as well, but that’s more due to all the guys I’ve currently had a thing with. They have now made this “language” more apart of my life.

I ordered cranberry apple on the airplane. It took all my strength to not order Coke, but I haven’t order Soda on a flight in years, I’ve learned when you ask for drinks, like apple juice, cranberry or tomato juice they give you the whole can. I’ve also learned that when you fly on a smaller plane they tend to not have apple juice. For some reason unknown to me, they never have apple juice, like they ran out on the last flight or apples are few and far between. So I order Cranapple, but did I get the whole can? Nope. And this flight isn’t even that full! I also ate a snickers bar. OHH!! Half way through writing this post the flight attendant came back around and refilled my drink! *I really enjoy me some Cranapple

I still can’t grasp the fact that I’m going to home already. I’m only going to be in town for about two weeks and I wish I had decided to stick around a bit longer but I do need to get back to the Midwest early and focus on my chapbook, last of my classes and memorize my poetry tour set. Wish I could be home longer, but it’s also important that I focus on my poetry and really kick my work into high gear during the New Year.

Ever sense my huge break-up a year ago it’s always really weird to fly home and visit. I’ve been away for so long now it’s like stepping into another world. Especially when I have so many wonderful friends back in the Midwest now. It’s also odd because every time I head home I can feel the changes happening throughout my life. This year so much has happened to me (silly me, that happens every year to everyone)

I went through A LOT of men. Dating, hook-ups, sex and the douche-bags of the millennium.

My kitty-cat passed away I love her very much and I will miss her for the rest of my life.

I found poetry. I met a wonderful professor who really lead me to my voice and has been guiding me and editing my work for almost a year now. I almost cried on Saturday during the final class because I only have one more semester to work with him. I’m very sad knowing this, because he’s helped me so much. More then just poetry, he’s also helped understand my strengths and weakness in all aspects of writing that no one else has helped me with before. I am so grateful.

I lost a friendship. I thought Tina and I would become lifetime best friends. I’m very sad this friendship fell apart but this issue has also reminded me that when I have best friends who are willing to put things aside and talk things out. Tina never truly did this. She patched up a hole in my friendship with her and never even tried with Valerie. Patches have a way of falling apart. You can’t always just keep repairing them and then walking away. I want my best friends to be able to step up when things have gone wrong. I want a best friends who don’t want the friendship to end, so they will do anything to make sure it doesn’t fall apart. Tina has been revealed to be two faced. I’m sadden to realize her friendship with Valerie did seem to mean enough to her. But that’s life. Some friends come and go. I’m thankful for the friends that have stuck around in my life.

I finally miss my job. I really miss the high school and every time I see them it’s never the same. But the kids help. The kids getting excited when they see me, makes me excited and makes me miss being around. I fear I won’t end up in my dream job. I fear I won’t become the head coach. The only thing I can do it put my head down, work my ass off and hope that this fear never comes true.

I’m extremely exhausted. Not sleeping for weeks has finally kicked in. I cannot wait to finally get some well deserved rest. I can’t wait to take a bath! I miss baths, because soaking my neck, back and knees feels so wonderful. Poor sore muscles are dying for some bath time.

I can’t wait to see my friends when I get home. I miss them all to pieces and I need some catch up time!

Note* I don’t think I’m going to be having sex anytime soon. From what I’ve witness the last week or so it’s clear he’s moved onto other…well I don’t know onto what but clearly I’m no longer on option of any short. And this is for the best…lets be real I don’t need anymore hooking up. Ugh I hate no sex and no relationship. It’s like I’m on a stupid diet or something. But shit no more for me…just real cake from now on. Or cookies!

Another adventures, more moments of luck, tears, food, family and friends.

Here’s to changing some more in these next two weeks of my life. I would say I’m nervous, very excited and filled with joy but all I can feel right now is how sleepy I’m feeling. Also I have to Tab a high school tournament this Saturday. That’s going to be a long day, but sushi afterwards and downtown!

I’m home…here we go

 

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Filed under Dating, Family, Friends, Home, Hope, Life, poetry, thoughts, universe

Rosie

There is no easy way or time to find out the loss of a childhood pet. Last night my parents called and my dad told me they had taken Rosie down to the vet and put her to sleep. She wasn’t eating anymore and basically starving herself. She was 21 years old and was a best friend to me.

Two years ago we our dog (Rascal) was also put down. Rosie was the last of my childhood pets still alive. She has been around almost all of my life and I grew up having her around. When my dog Sassy died, this beautiful Kerry Blue Terrier that I sadly witness get hit by a car I will never forget that night. I was very young and sitting in the hall way with my mom. I was worried Sassy wasn’t going to come home and my mom looked at me and said, “Well, you still have your kitty.”

Rosie has always been there for me. Through nights crying about struggles in school to adolescent break ups Rosie was there. I will never forget one night I was crying and she jumped up on the bed and sat next to me and licked me. She and I were really connected. I guess sharing a bedroom together can do that to you.

And this is the thing, I’m really sad and I’m trying really hard to not cry right now as I write this in my favorite coffee shop and I may be really sad but I’m also really happy because I have so many wonderful memories of my kitty cat. We had a blast together and I think I’m so compassionate and such a big animal lover because of my childhood animals so I couldn’t ask for anything more of them.

It’s hard living so far away from home. I miss home so much right now but I don’t if I could have handle being there. I wonder if they put her down on Thursday or Friday last week because I just had the worst energy feeling then and cried for one reason. I wonder if the heart and soul can feel a friend pass away…

Goodbye best friend. I’m not going to say rest in peace, because well first you were a pampered little diva of a cat and got plenty of rest and second I know that were ever you are now you are happy and you are safe.

Love you Rosie.

I will always miss you and you will always be in my heart.

I’m so thankful you were part of my life, especially growing up.

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Filed under Beautiful, Cats, Family, Feeling Lost, Friends, Home, Life, My kitty cat, Thankful, thoughts, universe

Is losing a friendship worst then losing a relationship?

After my meeting this morning I had some spare time before my one Friday class this and  I could have slept a little bit, worked on a handout but clearly I went with option “C.” Which was to watch the new episode online of Grey’s Anatomy. Yes, I watch Grey’s Anatomy. It’s my guilty pleasure! (Along with  laundry list of other shit)

 Give yourself a moment to let that sink in and move on!

Now the last few episodes have continuing this side event about how Cristina and Meredith who have been best friends and each others “person” for years now, but due to a major rift their friendship has crumbled to pieces within minutes before our eyes, of course this is the magic of film/TV shows.

I know what you must be thinking to yourself, “Sally I don’t watch this show?why does this matter?” Well, it got me thinking about the drifting friendship between Tina and I.  I haven’t mention it much on here but I’m going through a similar situation.

We live five steps from each other and yet the most I’ve said to her this week was, “hey.”

I guess it all began in September, “the month of miscommunication” and “people not confronting enough.” Tina got a boyfriend and within a blink of an eye she was with him and I connceted at the hip with him.  It seemed ok at first. Still  I Valerie and I were worried. We knew Tina was looking for ” the relationship.” The one that’s going to last a long time and thats going to give her the love and treatment she deserves.

I’m not sure when everything happened. When we stopped really speaking to each other and she became a stranger in our house. I guess Tina got busy with work, which is understandable. Then she stopped hanging out with us downstairs, stopped texting us, stopped trying to make an effort.

Then came a series of issues:

  • Smelling smoke up stairs that was so strong, I could smell it with my door close. Then we confronted her about the smell that night. She blocked the view from her room and told us it was nothing. To the next day telling us it was just her candles. (We all know what candles smell like and what someone smoking smells like) Then she told us he had just came in from smoking. (We have all dated a smoker and no one man (unless you are Joe Camel) is going to stink up the whole second floor bedrooms and the attic bedroom.
  • She struggles confronting people. Which is fine because I struggle with this same problem, but I also know that sometimes you have to confront and talk about awkward situations. This is something I think she has yet to figure out. Because she has lost of a few good friends because of this.
  • She just stop speaking to my roommate Valerie, because she was scared to talk to her.
  • She just sits in her room now, sleeping or watching TV. We never see her, just when she leaves, comes home, lets her boyfriend in or picks up food.
  • She doesn’t help with cleaning the house
  • She’s made series of two jokes to me I wasn’t to happy about.
    • The first one being: when my other roommate was giving away condoms she didn’t need (she bought some for a joke thing but doesn’t have sex…blah blah any ways) Tina Found out I got some and she didn’t and she say’s to me, “You don’t need and haven’t had sex in months! Why should you have them, some of us are actually having sex.”

This one bugged me, because she knows why I’m not having sex. She’s seen me cry and become heart-broken. Especially giving someone so much of myself so fast and then they just bail on me. Plus I don’t think I have ever made her feel bad for not having sex. (Plus I have never once pointed out I probably had more sex last year in one month then she’s ever had in her life at this point.) So lets not start getting caddy with statements such as those. No need to pull out our vagina’s and see which one is bigger….ok that could mean so many things.

    • The night after my poetry feature I went out with a bunch of people and this one guy, that I’ve hooked up with before bought me a drink. He’s a very nice guy, chill and nothing happen at all that night. Then that weekend when Tina and all of us were walking she made a comment that basically stated she thought he may have stayed the night last night.

This one was a problem mainly because this hook-up and I never talk about our hook-ups. It’s like a good hook-up should be, “no connection.” I feel nothing more than sex and he feels the same and I would like it to stay that way. That includes it not being awkward or talking about it, but Tina decided to be snarky one day and bring it up. Even though we didn’t even hook-up that week and hadn’t since May!

    • Then came the loud sex noises during all hours of the night. Look I’m all for sex and I’m all for being loud. I mean I can get loud, but not every week all the time moaning. Plus Valerie doesn’t let me perform my poetry loud past 11pm and that’s love-making in its own right, so if I can’t be loud performing poetry downstairs, then to hell is anyone going to be having loud sex!
    • They also talk really loud. Especially  “him” he’s a loud talker. I dislike loud talkers when I’m trying to sleep or work on a paper.
    • Also I just don’t trust him. He was weird from the start and acted off and he’s kind of big on “Merica.” (Ugh that makes my lady parts swirl around.)
    • Last week she left her tea-cup out, well my tea-cup but she used it for tea and never washed it and left the tea bags in it. Then she went out-of-town and a week later I’m like, “Shit I’ll wash it, like I’ve done with so many dishes.”

(Ok, now I’m just being bitchy and pissed)

Now past all this anger, these pissed off feelings and mumbling under my breath, I really miss my best friend. I miss her even more knowing she’s probably not coming back and our friendship is over so quickly.

I’ve never been one of those girls who has ever planned out her wedding, never thought of a dress or color scheme, but I have always thought about the people I would want there and the ones I want next me on a day that’s so important to me. To lose a friendship where you imaged her there with you on that day, standing near you and celebrating with you, well it’s hard.

What’s even harder is to here about her shitty relationship. I’m sorry Tina, I know you can go on this blog and you may read this, even if you think about checking this blog anymore any ways. But I’ve heard you guys have broken up three times already. I’ve seen you walk around crying and like I’ve said Sam is loud and I can hear you guys talking as I’m sitting on my bed with the bed closed. He’s an asshole and a shitty relationship. I wish we hadn’t lost our friendship, because maybe you wouldn’t be with him if you had the support system you need.

I hope you read this. It’s the least I can do for you, is give you a wake up call and get the fuck out of dating someone you have only been dating for about two months and yet you guys have already broken up.

You’re losing your friends. I don’t just mean your house friendships. People talk, a lot of them talk and a lot of them feel the same way as I do. You have disappeared and left us all for a guy. You cut everyone off for a good time and I hope it’s worth it in the end. I hope one day you realize the choices you made.

I miss you.

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Filed under Friends, Hope, House, Life, thoughts