Tag Archives: universe

The dick

This weekend was a reminder of past pain that I though I was almost over with. But triggers have a way of going off and within seconds your laying on a crying in tears struggling to breathe about all the pain you’ve endeared. I always think about the quote by Joan Didion.

“I closed the box and put it in a closet.
There is no real way to deal with everything we lose.” 

Last night all the way till noon today I spoke to a guy I was starting to really like. Lets call him “the dick.” Not because his penis was large or anything, he just ended up being a dick.

I found out he not only has a girlfriend but I’m pretty sure they have been together for years now. He came over, we talked for a long time about everything throughout our lives. I guess we didn’t want to focus on the real issue at hand.

Which we eventually ended up on, which of course ends exactly how anyone would expect it to. He loves his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to give up on that. Yes, he does really like me. But let’s be honest whenever does someone really leave their relationship for a “like.” Ok, maybe my ex did that. But most guys aren’t going to leave their girlfriend, who I’m pretty sure is also his fiancé.

It was terrible this morning. Absolutely an awful morning. I will never see him again. I mean of course I’ll probably run into him downtown here and there. Which will be awful and of course Valerie will murder him each time she runs into him.

I cried, slept for three hours, eat some food. And I’m feeling much better. It amazing how easily I can move on more and more now. Will I break down a few more times? Yeah, I probably will. Will this fill up another piece of baggage for me. Of course.

But later today everything seemed to changed. The universe of something is looking out for me because everything shifted to a much better day. A bunch of people I haven’t spoken to in a while spoke to me. A few will be in town next week and I cannot wait to be back home for a little bit and enjoy friends and family. I’m so so thankful that something is watching out for in the world. I have never felt more safe and so full of comfort.

Thank you

It gives me hope.

 
Now “the dick” is just distant memory of how terrible men can be and the test that I made sure that I never do what was done to me. I could have continued on with fooling around with him, but that’s not ok. I told him he should tell her too. To be honest I don’t think he will. I don’t think that’s ok. He will be another lesson, another pain and another reminder that I do deserve better and i will find someone who is going to be so lucky to have something like me in their life and I’m going to be so lucky to have a man someday in my life who is going to give me all the love and care I deserve. 
 
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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Confessions, Ex-boyfriends, Feeling Lost, Hope, Life, single girl problems, thoughts, trust, universe, WTF?

Tonight

Just a thought:

I sit around a group of beautiful people, beautiful voices, beautiful words

Sharing beautiful words.

Sharing heart songs, touching souls with hushes of our voices

This is the moment I feel so beautiful, feel so much at peace. These are the moments as a writer I crave for, write for and dream about.

I am so thankful for my gifts.

Thankful for my beautiful gifted friends.

I am so happy for the beauty and energy that moves throughout this house.

Thank you Universe for blessing me

 

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Filed under Beautiful, Being a woman, Friends, good energy, my writing, poetry, Thankful, universe

The Universe is watching after me

I have this belief about the Universe, where when you’re having a bad week the universe finds a way to pick you back up. The Universe knew I needed a win this week and oh boy did the universe open my eyes to my future. So I will write here, who ever is in control of the Universe, who ever is watching after me, thank you.

Last night I went to an Open Mic night on Campus and it was wonderful. My best friends all came out to see me, some who I always torture with by sending them files on top of files of my work and some who have never heard my work until last night. I knew they would love it and support me but the audience, woah. Such wonderful feed back, such wonderful comments, such wonderful energy. Not only that but a local Poet approached me right after to get my number and has been pouring out invites for me to attend spoken word performances and wants me to work on a project over the summer.

Then this afternoon I got a call from my professor informing me I won The Academy of American Poets contest that my university puts on.

I know to some these things may be consider small achievements and for me I look at both of these as my stepping stone into a career I wasn’t even thinking about a year ago. I wasn’t even writing like how I am now a year ago. So today I’m sitting here crying, not because I won something but because I remember the nights I sat alone in my bedroom at the age of six praying to God to make me smart, to take away my learning disability. Now here I am, an English creative writing major sitting down writing in a language I could barley spell or read in first grade. So I will sit here and cry about how happy that the years of bedroom tears are finally being wiped away.

I am so thankful.

I would trade a hundred times falling in love with a man for the feelings I have when reading and writing my poetry. These are the moments I’m reminded I don’t need love from a man, I feel love in my writing and in the books I read.

Gosh, I’m just so blissful about all thats happening for me, I can feel it. This is only the beginning and I cannot wait for the rest of my life. I feel the momentum building inside of and nothing is going to stop me.

This is how I want to feel for the rest of my life.

Blissfully happy, crying over my hard work and falling in love with the Universe.

Working

Photo: My laptop and drinking coffee at my favorite little coffee shop.

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Filed under Disability, good energy, Life, my writing, poetry, Thankful, universe

Let me just sit here, just spin here

With the universe hanging around my neck, trickling down spine and out my breath

The universe around my neck

Spring break this week! Woo! Taking it easy this spring break. Got a lot of cleaning already done and spent my whole weekend sleeping which lead to the most intense vivd dream I’ve ever had. It was so beautiful and breath taking! My mind is finally well rested again and its about time I become spiritually connected again. I’m connecting with the universe once again. I feel so good up and down my soul.

Also I turned my poetry into a local contest last week. So maybe I’ll end up winning something, that would be nice. On that note, I love where my poetry is going at the moment. I’m very excited where my work is going. Writing is becoming more and more a part of myself and I’m falling head over heels with it. I’ve made plans of looking into a MFA programs focusing on poetry. I’m very excited and hoping one day my work will make a difference.

Finally almost done with Eat, Pray, Love! I’m in love with this little book. I just picked it back up again after not reading it for about three months and might I add this was the book I needed for this last weekend and this up coming week. Planning on finishing it up by tonight and going to pick up a new book tonight. By I wanted to talk about a part of the book. Elizabeth Gilbert and a few people she meets in Italy talk about how everything seems to have a word. Like cities and such. They then proceed to talk about what they think their word is. I realized what my word is Resilience. Which is something I hope to get tattooed on my back soon, well Resilience Gene is what I want tattooed on my back and I cannot wait for this tattoo to happen!

I’m looking forward to the changes going on inside of myself and the feelings transforming throughout my body. My spirit is ready for the changes happening.

L’ho provato sulla mia pelle

(I have experienced that on my own skin)

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Filed under about me, Books, good energy, Life, my writing, poetry, reading, thoughts, universe

Fallin’ into his arms (literally)

A month ago this past Saturday a lot happened within one weekend, experiences and events that have altered my everyday routine and have shifted my life is the most positive of ways.

     First, on a sad note, my good friends grandfather passed way within this weekend. He was a very wonderful man and a gift to this world. He also reminded me a lot of my grandfather, he spoke his mind like him, was kind like him and was very well loved like him. It’s very sad to watch someone pass on and to watch their love ones learn to live without them physically being around but regardless of what religion you believe in, you just gonna hope their in a better place and wonderful people like that, you feel and know they are really in a wonderful place.

     Second, my best friend Valerie and my other best friend Cassidy who happens to be her girlfriend had broke up on this Saturday. Now they are back together again, after figuring out what needed to change and I do love them together and only wish for the best. But this break-up really shifted the night I thought I was going to have.

The Saturday Night Story

     Saturday afternoon Valerie broke with Cassidy, who happens to be another one of my close friends. This would shift the whole night for me. You see Valerie would come over to my place that afternoon and stay there for the whole weekend. Valerie was also planning on going out with Tina and I that night but because of her break-up she opted out of the night of drinking and dancing. And looking back on that night, I think that if Valerie had gone I wouldn’t have ended up dancing with “him.” Like I just said, Valerie didn’t go out that night with us but we met up with Tina’s co-workers at this bar in downtown. We drank, a lot, danced a lot. Tina and I that night came up with giving each other thumbs up and thumbs down when a guy tried to dance with us and we would tell each other if we thought they were cute. Quite a few thumbs down were playing out through the night. At one point Tina’s friend Nessie was trying to set her up with this very cute guy who we will call Ester; and then thats when “he” walked on the dance floor, as of now I can’t think of the name to call him on my blog so for now we will call him, “The one I fell for.” Any ways he was walking out to the dance floor, I don’t remember much, Tina told me he seemed to want to dance with me but I thought he was passing through so I moved out of his way. I danced next to Tina, she grabbed me and said, “What are you doing, that guy wanted to dance with you. I said, “Oh my god, really? Is he cute?” “Yes, he is,” Tina yelled back.

    In that moment the universe took hold, or maybe Tina took hold of me and pushed me into him. She really pushed me, like so hard he had to catch me before I fell. Then we started dancing, then dancing led to making out, a lot of dancing and then a lot of stopping dancing and making out on the dance floor. Then the making out lead to him asking me back to his place. This lead to me saying, “Yes.” After going up to the bar for one more quick drink, learning his name thanks to the help of his friends near by and also thanks to reading his name on his debit card he pulled out to paid for the drinks. After a vegas bomb, we took a cab to his place and  went up to his bedroom, laid out on his bed and started making out. Thats when I had to tell him, tell him, “I’m on my period.” Shit! We laughed a bit, made out some more, and started talking, him telling me his life story really. Me, telling him my life story. Him going crazy happy with the fact I was from California, that I loved AC/DC too and that I had done sports. We talked for hours, made out for hours. Him, telling me over and over again how beautiful I was, how gorgeous I was, how sexy, how beautiful my blue eyes are. Words, things I never heard enough of with my other ex’s. Words I always wanted to hear from a man. And after this night, after being pushed into him, we have been “seeing” each other since. We basically have sex everyday, twice a day. We talk constantly, he had met my friends, my friends love him, I’ve met his friends, they are amazing. He is amazing, he is what I have been looking for. I’m not sure where this will end up, but I’m trying not think about that, i’m just enjoying him, enjoying his smell, his wonderful smile and his sweet words.

Last night he said to me, “I am so happy Tina pushed you into me.”

I’m happy too.

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Filed under Dating, Life, universe

Death

I know that we want to live forever.

And more importantly I know we want are love ones to live forever.

If Anne Rice has taught me anything through her books, its that we wouldn’t want to live forever any ways. We Simply couldn’t handle living forever. Now thinking about it, maybe thats why some many stories that involve  living forever are about vampires, creatures, and demons from hell, because these non-human beings, these dark creatures without a soul can handle the “forever.”

Well, never mind, because Anne Rices Vampires can’t handle the forever, half of her books they talk wishing for death.

But regardless of this I know that already at the age of 23 I’m overwhelmed with grief, overwhelmed with happiness and overwhelmed with the need to belong.

So how could I handle years, decades, centuries of death, war, and sadness? Or better put, why would I wish that upon myself or another person I love in my life?

Maybe thats the big joke the universe is playing on us. We have a soul, we see the grass swaying in the breeze, we love someone so much we claim it’s caused by an organ inside are body.

We have been given compassion, empathy, but at the end of the day we realize we could die.

Are could die

Siblings.

Parents.

Family.

Pets.

And the love of are life could die.

And with this knowledge what do we as humans do?

We fight it, we are a stubborn jackass species and will do everything to fight for a belief or a cause. We don’t want to die, everything is too beautiful here and we are too scared of the unknown. So we dream about living forever. But like the pages of Anne Rices novels, her vampire characters who too feared death, who too wanted to live forever wanted an easy out to the thought of death and they got their wish.

But then we see them in such pain, some even sleeping for centuries because they miss the past too much, they can’t living forever. These creatures carry so much pain. I don’t think I would want to carry that kind of pain around in my life. I don’t think I could fall in love over and over again for centuries, and then watch lovers, friends, family die over and over and over again.

Shit.

You’re a big old bitch universe. You know exactly where to poke at us and you blocked any kind of loop hole didn’t you? Damn.

Or maybe thats just the universe’s little hint to us, and maybe all those silly quotes about loving like you’ve never been hurt and living like its heaven earth are right. Maybe the universe just wants us to enjoy the time we have been given

And here’s the kicker, I think we all already know this, but we are just to blind to the idea. Sometimes we can be so selfish.

Why would anyone want to live forever any ways? When I think about it I wouldn’t want to live forever. I have already witnessed and read so many wonderful authors stories, I don’t need to read the next generation, because I love the books of my generation. I wouldn’t want to have lovers for years. I want love, I want to love someone so deeply that it will hurt so much when they die. I already have a wonderful family, I don’t need another one two centuries from now. And I get to stare out my window and look at a tree that will die someday and I will know I’m lucky to have seen it’s leaves fall off the branches and watch it bloom in the spring. And I don’t want centuries worth of friends, I want just the friends I have now and then some. I want to know I was one of the lucky people in this world to have known them.

So I wanna live for only as long as the universe has planned for me and maybe a little bit more if I’m lucky. And I’m going to use this time wisely. That means taking more chances, writing more, sending my art out into the world. I’m going to read more books, fall in love with a new word everyday. Eat too much food, talk too much, love my pets, watch them pass away, cry for them, cry for my loved ones that pass away and then smile knowing that they are onto their next adventure and be jealous of them, because they now know the secrets of the universe.

That means loving everyone I met, and kissing all the wrong people until the right one comes along. And having my friends by my side during every minute of my life.

I think I’m ok with the thought of death more. I think I will be ok with the thought of death more and more as life goes on.

I get it now Universe. I’ll start loving myself a little more each day now. And love those around me more.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.”So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

― J.R.R. TolkienThe Fellowship of the Ring

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Filed under Death, Life, thoughts