Category Archives: Help

Doubtful

I’m in one of those moods.

Feeling forever doubtful about poetry and my work.

I’m gradating soon and I have seen so many of my fellow talented writers leave college and to never write again.

I don’t want that to happen to my poems.

But is this a real thing? Many moments throughout my day consist of the thought, am I really good at this whole poetry writing stuff or is everyone just being really nice to me? Because who would say, “Well Sally maybe you should try something else.” This is all I got, I love it, I live for it, it’s what makes me feel better and I am the most happy writing and performing. But how will I make money? How will I get into a great MFA (Full time or low residency)

I want to be the best, but this just never seems to be in the cards for me, well I suppose I just need to dig really deep.

I’m just been so down on myself this week and my work. Maybe it’s the period, maybe the terrible back pain that makes me sleepy and in exhausted. MaybeI’m just facing some hard facts.

I don’t know what else to do but keep writing and performing.

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Filed under Help, Hope, Life, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, venting, WTF?

Stress

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Stress has become a huge player in my everyday life. My mother has always been a very stressed out person and I’m sure I’ve developed some of that stress from growing up around her.

Along with this stress is the terrible pain of my back and neck that has been playing out and its terrible. The amount of medicine I have taken and icy hot on my back has become never-ending and almost placing no effect on making me feel better. My back and neck pain makes everything exhausting and painful. It’s really slowed me down the past few weeks and I’m struggling to keep up.

Friends have become stressful. I love them to pieces but keeping up with everyone’s needs has killed me and stressed me out.

Poetry is always stressful, but I suppose of all the stresses I’m happy and try not to complain about the stresses of writing. More I’m sad my time with my professors is almost over. Of course I have moments of clarity, moments of immense doubt in myself and moments I just want a glass of wine.

But I’m worried because I feel like I’m close to a breaking point, like I’m going to just start crying and freak out. (Great Crazy Sally) I’m trying to prevent this from happening but I’m worried.

Dating stresses me out, more upset at the past, memories I’m ashamed of and the idea that I may never find someone I want to be with. There are plenty that would want to spend their time with me and I’m grateful and flattered but I’m not sure I want any of them. And the more i watch friends find someone and have someone and then the ideas of family members will die, my parents one day will be gone and it will be just me. It really puts everything into perspective the whole meaning behind lovely yourself, because everyday it really is just you. Yes you have friends, family, co-workers and peers but (ok this sounds morbid) but they’re going to die (you’re going to die) or you’ll lose touch with people, realize you no longer work. So its morbid weird thing I’ve been thinking about. Really understanding what loving yourself means.

I think this is where loneliness comes from.

When you have no one. I think this is why many pair off into mates, because it’s no fun feeling lonely and there’s the added plus of kids and passing on a bit of yourself.

Each night I fall asleep and whisper, “I am in love with myself.”

Each day I become more unsure if I ever will find someone who will match up with me, or if I will ever want to match up with someone. For all I know I do with so many but have turned them away because of this gut sick feeling I have towards dating right now. I almost feel sick and don’t want anymore to touch me. To be honest I’m a bit worried what this all means. I hope some of it comes from strength.

I’m pushing the hot showers, the chocolate, watching TV shows, getting more normal sleep than I normally get, like for example its 1:30am and after I post this I’m going to pass out and wake up at 9am. Normally I don’t fall asleep until 3am. I think the sleep and candy is keeping the break down at bay. I’m worried the neck pain is going to push the break down out in the open.

Just need to continue the deep breathing and wine.

And food…lots of food.

Also masturbating here and there. Like I shit you not I was in the middle of writing a paper, got horny, masturbated and then went back to writing.

This is my Life.

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Filed under Back and Neck Pain, Confessions, Dating, Death, Drinking, Family, FML, FOOD, Friends, Help, Hope, Life, Love, poetry, school, stressed out, Struggles, thoughts, universe, WTF?

It’s been rough, Zombie rough

Zombie

I sang in a show on Saturday! Badass zombie make-up

My poetry has been rather frustrating lately. Not the poetry’s fault, but I do blame all my class work and certain events that have taken place that have really put a damper on my work. Which sucks because I have a huge contest deadline on Thursday and I’m not too happy with the product I have right now. I haven’t had a lot of people willing to go through my stuff and I haven’t had the time to write and it’s very much effecting my moods. Lets hope this mood goes away soon.

I had to deal with some assholes last week. The mens club that goes on without the poetry community is one of the worst ones out there. No my name is not baby and you’re a pig for not only performing drunk, for thinking your shit is gold but especially for rubbing up against women. (More on this later maybe.

(SCHOOL IS A BITCH AND A HALF)

I must confess I have been struggling with posting this last week and I have so much to say now I feel like this post may be rather too long but FUCK IT!

The one that wants to be the fuck-buddy emailed me a second time and sent me a friend request. GO AWAY! He has been nothing but drama in my life and I don’t need any more of that in my life.

Virgin Cornfield guy called me out of the blue tonight. Which was funny because I was crying. He told me I could come over lay down and just fall asleep, you know get away. Which I was rather tempted to, because comfort right now is something I’m dying for, but i know this is something I need to get through without needing someone. Plus he’s not the guy I want comforting me.

THAT guy (the one I really like right now) seems to have stop speaking to me. I know I could be over doing it, so what if he hasn’t text me in three days. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the fact that he’s bailed so many times before this just worries me even more. He just has promised so much these last few days and out of no where just kind of stopped speaking to me. I’m so sensitive to stuff right now and this is just going to drive me rather crazy, especially since we kissed the last week. For all I know he’s changed his mind. (Not sure what to do)

The hardest thing to deal with at the moment…my kitty cat back at home in California is not doing so hot. She’s 20 years old and she’s been my bestest little friend for these last 20 years now. My mom keeps sending me these cute little texts and stuff, like they took her into the vet today and my mom texts me she’s a tough old cat and a fighter. I don’t think she’s going to be around much longer, but if I am to be honest I rather not be home when she decides its time to go. I know I must sound rather silly, because some people don’t care for cats every much or think well it’s only an animal.

But I don’t think it’s silly. She’s my best friend, she was there when my doggy was hit by a car, she was there during the moments I felt so stupid and struggled each time in school. She was there after each break ups. She was always there and she’s always been there for me. It’s hard to think I won’t have that little cat in my corner for much longer. She’s the last of my childhood pets and my God I’m going to miss her to pieces when she’s gone and I think that may be happening pretty soon. (I’m Praying for you Kitty cat) I wish I could give her one last hug, but she knows I love her.

Adele: Make you feel my love

God, I need a pick me up after these last few weeks.
I’m burnt out and about to give up.

And I hope my writing picks up too

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Filed under Asshole, asshole dude, Being a woman, Cats, Dreams, Feeling Lost, Help, Home, Love, My kitty cat, my writing, poetry, school, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts

Upside Down Decisions

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I don’t think I even know how to date anymore. I’m definitely stuck, like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhogs Day I continue to repeat life over and over again.

I’ll admit I’m not exactly like Bill Murray, repeating my day over and over, more every time I met a guy I just end up hooking up, over and over. Different guys, same results. So minus Bill Murray, add one red head and replace the groundhogs with naked men. And you get me, stuck in the sex pool and not sure where the ladder went.

Disclaim: I haven’t had sex since May. (Something new I’m trying out) Which doesn’t seem to be helping very much. I still feel like everyone just wants to hook up and I still feel wobbly on my feet trying to be with someone for more then sex.

My stomach tied up in knots made of stone, I can hardly breath and I’m not sure if I’m ready to be with someone. Maybe thats the problem, I’m too scared to open myself up to someone. To give all of myself to someone, because when I fall, its like jumping off an ocean cliff, gravity’s [my heart] is going to make me fall hard.

I’ve always been that way. Don’t think I could ever be one of those people how just steps to the edge to take a look.

My goodness I’m just so terrified,

I’m not going to find what my hearts aching for. Because I’m dying, craving, eating large amounts of food, looking for some deep romance, some passion. Holding each other so tight in fear the other may disappear and I’m dying for those stares back at my when I’m looking into their eyes.

Upside Down by Abbie Folken 

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Filed under Causal, Confessions, Dating, Feeling Lost, Help, my fingers feel numb, sex, single girl problems, thoughts, trust

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m just a horny redhead

Its been a stressful week to say the least, but after a margarita, an excellent bottle of wine and without sounding too much like an alcoholic, “I’m feeling much better.”

Come to think of it, I did just get my period and without sounding too much as though I’m stereotyping myself but I’m pretty sure I cried this week exactly because of that little red bastard. Especially when I’ve ended up crying at the end of each movie I’ve watched this week. FYI Sally’s body: Jaws should not make you cry.

Last night I fell asleep to a guided sleep and positive thoughts meditation. Which lead to vivid dreams and of course I only remember a few details that I can write out on paper and actually look up on Dream Dictionary. I remember walking into a large, beautiful hotel. I remember just being on the jungle cruise and now I’m in this beautiful room with five other women, that I don’t know and there are these toys in the main room. They almost seem to be Disney themed toys in some ways, so I remember thinking I must be at a Disneyland hotel. These are the toy animals I remember seeing and also thanks to Dream Dictionary I’ve heard their explanation of what it all means.

    1. Giraffe: To see a giraffe in your dream suggests that you need to consider the overall picture. Take a broader view on your life and where it is headed. The dream may serve to indicate how you are “sticking your neck out” for someone.
    2. Hippopotamus: To see a hippopotamus in your dream symbolizes your aggressive nature and your hidden strengths. You have more influence and power than you realize. Alternatively, it indicates that you are being territorial. Perhaps someone is overstepping their boundaries.
    3. Lion: To see a lion in your dream symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents dignity, royalty, leadership, pride and domination. You have much influence over others. You also need to exercise some restraint in your own personal and social life. Alternatively, a lion represents your need for control over others. You have to be in charge.

Other aspects of the dream I remember wearing this gorgeous long light silver dress, so I looked up the color silver because it was a big aspect to me in this dream.

    1. Silver represents justice and purity. It is symbolic of some protective energy.

What these colors, animals and dreams mean to me…I don’t know, but I do think these images, colors, animals do represent aspects of emotions I’m going through.

It’s important to note I’ve had another long conversation with an old friend. Trying to understand the root of the problem with not only work but with relationships.

I have a fear of being betrayed, from the people closest to me. I constantly live in fear of people using me, and getting up and leaving. After this month I have not been convinced otherwise

Hoping my dreams will clear everything up.

In my dreams

 

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Filed under Dreams, Help, Life, Really Sally? SingleGirlProblems, universe

Leave this life so shattered

Life has definitely happened since the last time I put up a post. Somethings have changed for the good, others for the worse and some are continuing to stress me out to the point my chest is feels like cement.

First of all, my work. I’m tired of the battle, of the fight/games between co-workers. On Sunday I decided to step up and let go of the hurt, the pain of losing a friendship. I sat back and realized that if I want this job someday its time I start acting like it. It was time I stepped it up and showed how much I love my job and how grown up I’ve become. Plus I’m so thankful for my wonderful boss. I don’t think he will ever understand how much of an influence he has been in my life; he is my mentor and my dear friend. It’s safe to say I’m feeling much better about work and I’m actually in the progress of working on a project for my job, which is going to make life a bit stressful for a week but I love stress like that. MORE PLEASE! (Not joking, I really do love that kind of stress!)

I realized today how wonderful my friends are. I’m so thankful and lucky to have them in my life! Damn, I love my best friends. They are what keeps me going and without them life would be a lot more stressful and difficult to get through. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

The guy I’ve been seeing came home Sunday from spring break. I have yet to see him and he seems to be “busy.” I’m going to believe that he is truly “busy.” But it’s hard and I’m not going to lie, I think he’s seeing someone else/lost interest in me. This is a weakness I’m learning about. I have a hard time with the unknown. I just want to know whats going on, because I not only haven’t seen him but he has barely text me back. I don’t know why this is making my chest heavy. I’m trying to make sense of why this is hurting  so much. My friend Tina asked me these questions trying to help me find out last night at the bar.

Tina: Do you think you’re not good enough?
Me: No
Tina: Do you think it’s your fault
Me: No
Tina: Are you worried about being cheated on?
Me: I assume that everyone has the capable of cheating on me and I’ve been cheated on so much now that I don’t think it will affect me in the same way. So no.
 

Laying in bed two nights ago I wrote this,

How do you get over the feeling that someone is going to leave you? I don’t know how.

I think I’m scared of people leaving me after I’ve invested so much of my love, my heart, my caring energy on them. I give a lot in relationships and I do this at the very start in a relationship too. I wear my emotions of my sleeve. I haven’t been able to stop this and I don’t think I want to, because I think that’s a gift of mine; how loving I am. But its hard for me to watch someone go and try to go back to how my life use to be. Its like they have died and I must figure out how to go on without them there to hold me.

Maybe that’s my problem, I’m too dependent on having people in my life and when they leave me I come crashing down. Because right now I’m sitting in the car before the crash, before the crunch of metal and everything is in slow mo. I’m waiting for the crunch of this guy to walk off without me. I like him. Right not I’m doing the usual  female issue. I’m coming up with all these excuses for why he is not calling, not texting, not wanting to see me. But like the author Greg Behrendt says, “He’s just not that into you.” Those are the six little words in the back of my mind right now. Then past relationship, past men who come back into the fore front of my mind and I remember all the men that have left me and all have said, “You are such a sweet girl and I don’t want to hurt someone like you.”

So I’m now here. At the moment where I have text him and he hasn’t text back so now I shall sit and wait to see what will happen. My gut is telling me this is not going to work out, but is this really my gut or me scared to be hurt again?  Or is this me scared and over reacting and everything is just fine and he is really just busy. Maybe I’m simply not ready to feel the pain of losing someone again, because I know he would want to be friends but I know I can’t and this has been the case with everyone I’ve been with. From Pita to the best sex I’ve ever had. I told each of them I couldn’t be friends, not for a while anyway. Now best sex guy and I are good friends and this has led me to believe he has always cared about me, but Pita guy this is not the case and I understand now I was really nothing in his life. So I’m in this moment of “waiting.” But maybe that should be my sign. I want to be with someone who will text me as soon as they get back into town and someone who will see me, even if it’s just for an hour. I need that in my life, I need the extra mile from a guy and I don’t think this guy can give me that, because I do know I am a beautiful, smart women and even greater I have such a huge heart and a huge capability to forgive and to care for others. I need a man in my life who will never make me feel worried they will leave. I need this. Maybe what is hurting me so much is that I realize I need to cut it off. That I need to cut it off because I’m not receiving what I need.

God that hurts my heart to say that right now. 

What hurts so much right now is the fact that I just want to find the love of my life, I want them here right now, in front of my eyes, I want them to hold me, to make all my past pain disappear with their arms. I want to walk into my coffee shop with my computer, my books and a guy will look up and see me, simply who I am. Then he will fall in love with my freckles, my smile and the rest is the outwards breath of everything will be ok now, you can let go now. I want a mad hungry, thirsty kind of love. Of not being able to take our eyes off each other and I want to hear the passion of life not only in my voice but in the voice of another that loves me as passionately as they love the sound of the rain falling above their roof.

My God I want to breath again to the point I cough up all the past. I’m becoming impatient looking for him and I’m starting to lose all hope of ever meeting him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this quote the past few days:

I’m never gonna wait
that extra twenty minutes
to text you back,
and I’m never gonna play
hard to get
when I know your life
has been hard enough already.
When we all know everyone’s life
has been hard enough already
it’s hard to watch
the game we make of love,
like everyone’s playing checkers
with their scars,
saying checkmate
whenever they get out
without a broken heart.
Just to be clear
I don’t want to get out
without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
so shattered
there’s gonna have to be
a thousand separate heavens
for all of my flying parts.”
― Andrea Gibson

Tonight I must remind myself:

I am strong

I am Beautiful

I am resilient

I am a women that deserve the best out of love and more importantly out of life

(But shit do I feel so lost in my heart right now and I feel so unsure and out-of-place in dating.)

Help.

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Filed under Dating, Feeling Lost, Help, Life, Love, single girl problems, Struggles, thoughts, trust, universe